Conflict when starting to talk about our future

You’ve been dating 4 months. That’s way too soon to be discussing marriage! You barely know each other. You’re still in the honeymoon period at this point.

You are developing a relationship and getting to understand and know each other. You have just found out that you two are not “on the same page” as much as you thought. You have conflicting ideas of what a marriage should be like– you want to be a stay at home mom, but he does not want his future wife to be a stay at home mom. So it sounds like you aren’t as compatible as you thought.

I don’t mean to sound harsh. You’re just getting way ahead of yourself with marriage talk at this stage. You need to date awhile to really see if you would be a good fit in marriage. And now it’s starting to look like you don’t have the same expectations of marriage.

Is this a dealbreaker? Yes, possibly. You should not have to sacrifice your desire to be a stay at home mom, and he should not have to sacrifice what he wants in a marriage and family either. It may be that your expectations on this never align.

How old are you both? As for how to respond- let him be. Stop the marriage talk for now. It may be that he changes his mind (from the way you described it). Let your relationship develop and deepen over time before you start talking marriage.

I mean….it doesn’t really change my advice, no. Again, it takes time to really get to know a person. The first 3-6 months of dating are the honeymoon period (anyone here will tell you that), which is a wonderful, beautiful time. But you don’t truly know the person yet.

You may both know what you’re looking for, but it doesn’t sound like you’re looking for the same thing. You want to be a stay at home mom. He doesn’t want his wife to be a stay at home mom. It may be that this is the point where you realize you are not as compatible as you thought.

Just slow down a bit, take time to get to know each other more, and proceed with caution. Definitely don’t marry someone with vastly differing expectations of marriage. Everyone I know who has done that (including myself) has ended up divorced. Don’t go into a marriage knowing that you are not on the same page about major life choices like this one.

I think it’s a dealbreaker. It’s a very large lifestyle difference, and it reflects you have some different values and priorities that it even came to you as a surprise.

I don’t think it’s so bad to have these conversations already about what you both are theoretically looking for in a marriage at all, but having them in the context of *you two* specifically getting married is way early for only 4 months in. It’s part of getting to know each other and seeing if you’re on the same page, but dating with such strong emphasis on “we’re dating to find a spouse!” instead of “we’re seeing if we have a foundation of liking and trusting each other while not having incompatibility dealbreakers and if all goes well will potentially consider marriage later on because that’s where we both want to end up” puts a lot pressure on things. Might seem like a subtle perspective difference, but personally it made all the difference in my dating life.

Ah yes, that makes sense, Liz. I agree too!

I have a different take on this.

You’re both 30, dating to find a life partner, getting along well. And HE raised the subject of marriage and family. Four months is about where a guy will start to seriously consider if he could see a future with you. I think it’s a positive sign he asked. And I think your answer was just fine, because it was your truth.

It takes courage in this day and age to state the job you want most is wife and mother. And you are not asking him to be the sole breadwinner, you have a side business that brings in additional income.

You are 30 and you know what you want. I wouldn’t be dating for 6-12 months before having some kind of basic marriage and family discussion. Men can father a child pretty much all their lives. Women have a relatively short window of carry a baby and you are in the middle of your prime childbearing years. You don’t have to jump down a guy’s throat on a first date to find out where he stands on marriage, children and your being a stay at home mother, but I think you should find out sooner rather than later so you don’t run out of time, because believe me, your 30s go fast. So perfect that HE raised the subject.

Either he doesn’t want to be the primary support of his family, he wants a full time outside the home working wife or he’s never really thought about it and needs time to consider.

Let him think. Either he’s open to it or he’s not. You’re not asking him to sign on the dotted line. If he comes back and breaks up, GOOD because you found out very early in you two are not compatible – and yes, it is a dealbreaker – and you can move on to someone who would LOVE a full-time mother and domestic goddess. ;)