Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Communication while on a "break"
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Elizabeth
So we haven’t spoken for over a week now, which I know doesn’t seem that long but it feels like forever. I’ve been doing what you all told me and hanging out with friends and keeping my mind occupied but I also have a lot of down time until my college classes start again so I’ve had a lot of time to evaluate my behavior in our relationship and I’ve come to a lot of epiphanies.
Not only did I act needy by bombarding him with texts while he was at the music festival but I also treated him horribly when he got back. He was really excited to tell me all about the fun he had drinking and partying, and I couldn’t be happy for him because I don’t drink so I couldn’t personally relate. I even said to him that I wouldn’t have had fun there and he just looked kinda upset and agreed with me. I realize now that it didn’t matter about how I would have felt there, all that matters is that he had a good time. I think it seemed like I didn’t want him to have fun with his friends, which would make every guy a little worried. He even said that I deserve someone who doesn’t want to hang out with his friends and wants to spend all his time with me, but I don’t want that! That’s not healthy!
Then, probably with that in mind, he asked for a little space to figure things out in his life, and I lost it because I immediately thought that meant we were breaking up. Instead of giving him space, I did the exact opposite. Looking back on it now, if the roles were reversed and he had acted the way I’ve been, I would be pushing him away too. Is there any way to come back from that?
I know I’m not supposed to be thinking about how to get him back, but I realize now that I’m not innocent here. I want him to know that I realize the mistakes I made and that I’m willing to fix them before he decides to give up on us. This is the first problem we’ve ever had. I don’t want everything that was so great to end over something this silly. I don’t want to push him further away though. Any advice?
Gemini615
Elizabeth, you have been given plenty of great advice already that you aren’t really taking. Now you see that you are getting in your own way by being needy and harassing him with texts and calls instead of focusing on yourself and moving on like we advised you to do.
Either take the advice or don’t. I strongly suggest you stop focusing so much on him and really just focus on yourself. Doing that for one week is not going to have much effect until you do it for at least a month, then two months, then three, and so on. You need to treat this as a break up and give him and yourself space from each other. It doesn’t mean you have to ignore him completely but he was the one that wanted this break so you need to let him live with that decision and give him what he asked for. Do not initiate any texts or calls, do not ask to hang out, do not come up with any excuse to contact him. Let HIM contact YOU, and you politely respond, keep it short and sweet. That is ALL you need to do, that and focusing on yourself. You are making this more complicated then it needs to be.
Elizabeth
I’m sorry Gemini. It’s not like I’m ignoring your and everyone else’s advice out of spite. I truly am trying to listen but it isn’t easy. This is my first heartbreak, and I think it’s even harder not knowing where I stand with him. I’m just terrified that he’s going to slip away because he feels like I want to control his social life, which isn’t true. I have focused on me and I feel like I’ve grown as a person. I really want to share my growth with him, but, you’re right, it will be useless until he comes to me. It just hurts that he hasn’t reached out at all.
Again, I’m sorry. I have good days where I feel like this space is a good thing for both of us to grow independently. And then I have bad days like today where I just want everything to be better between us and need to try everything to make that happen. I think I’ll be a lot better once I can get back to class and take my mind off of him. Thank you.
Gemini615
No offense, but how exactly have you grown? I mean that sincerely because from your update you seem to be stuck in the same place.
You need to realize and except that you cannot control another person’s choices or behavior and you cannot control the outcome of any situation. You can only control your own behavior and thoughts. So if this relationship does not work out, then that is what was meant to be. You have to be more accepting of things and less controlling. I know it’s hard but you really are capable of controlling your own thoughts so if you’re still feeling sorry for yourself about this situation and being sad and thinking about him, that is entirely in your control and only you are keeping yourself stuck there. You have to force yourself to divert your attention elsewhere. You have to force yourself to get up and out of the house to do things even when all you want to do is lay in bed. It takes practice but with time it will become second nature and it will feel good to know that your emotions and well being are not at the mercy of someone else.
Look at this objectively and accept the facts. Your relationship is essentially over for right now. The person you love has requested space and time from you. You would do best to honor that request and give him exactly what he asked for. If it was someone else in this situation, would you advise them to keep pining away for someone who is unsure about them, or would you tell them to get themselves together and try to move on with dignity?
Lily
Elizabeth,
sorry to hear that you are suffering there.
But when a man is determined to step out of your life, you can’t control it. This is his choice. Though he didn’t say it out, it is obvious.
It takes time for you to heal. I understand no matter how busy you keep yourself, there’s still a void in your heart. Try not to think back how great the relationship you two had, how good he treated you.. My dear, it’s all over… if he’s good to you, he won’t let you cry and suffer…Be strong and try your best to move on… Exercise could help you… Not only keep you fit and health, but good vibe and hope… You need a better version of you… and let him regret…
All the best!!
Shelly
Elizabeth – I really feel for you, and I know everyone else here does too because we have ALL been there. I know it’s going to be the hardest thing you ever had to do, but it’s best if you did not talk to him at all. Even if he tries to get back in touch with you, don’t respond to him for AT LEAST 30 days. If he REALLY loves you, it won’t matter how long you make him wait – he will fight for you if it is meant to be. So right now, do things for you and hang out with people that make you happy. He needs to see you as a strong and independent woman, so be that woman and do not contact him again. I know, easier said than done but you can do it!
Elizabeth
I know it might not seem like it, but I am in a lot better of a place than I was a month ago. At that point, I couldn’t and didn’t want to imagine life without him. I was convinced that I would never find someone as attractive and kind and wonderful as him to ever look my direction again; I actually spent our entire relationship wondering why he was with me and not with someone prettier. So my self esteem has pretty much been in the toilet my entire life and it dipped to an especially low point after he asked for space. Now, however, I have realized that insecurity is just a mindset. I know that if this doesn’t work out, I’ll find someone else who loves me. The reason why I can’t let it go is because I don’t want to give up on something that was so great without a fight. I realize, however, that I can’t be the only one fighting for it.
I have also realized a lot about our relationship and how I depended solely on him for my happiness. I pushed my friends away so that I could be available for him “just in case.” I realize now how unhealthy that is, and I’m reconnecting with my friends and seeking out hobbies that I used to enjoy. The problem I’m trying to overcome is being able to focus completely on my friends and hobbies without being distracted by thoughts of him. You’re right though, I need to be in control of my own mind. If I stop telling myself that I miss him or that everything reminds me of him, I’ll be a lot better off.
Additionally, I also came to the conclusion that my expectations of him weren’t realistic. Texting all day everyday isn’t something that needs to happen; now that I’m focusing on other things as well, he won’t be my only form of entertainment. I also realize that a lot of my actions (before and after I sought advice on here) were inexcusable and didn’t make anything better or easier for him.
So, while I’m still not perfect, I do feel as though I’ve grown a lot. This space has allowed me to realize a lot and become a lot more confident, both of which wouldn’t have happened without this break. I also understand that this time apart could be better for us in the long run, even if it turns into an official break up. We’re both very young and if we’re meant to be, we’ll find each other again. If the relationship was as good for him as it was for me ( which I believe it was up to a month or so ago) then he shouldn’t want to give it up either. So I’ll give him his space and move on with my life. He’ll probably appreciate me giving him space more than any confession or explanation I have anyway.
I feel so much better after writing things like that down, it’s just putting it into practice that I’m having trouble with. I’ll keep trying though. Thank you.
Elizabeth
Thank you Lily and Shelly for your kind words. I’m already a week into NC so I’m definitely going to aim for those 30 days. The problem was that I figured he’d try to contact me and then I’d be able to ignore him, but he hasn’t even tried. I guess I should give it more than a week though, especially with how clingy I acted. He’ll probably be curious why I stopped contacting him eventually. Thank you.
Options2
Sorry. He has made up his mind.
You can’t force on people, which lowers your value. He has been turned off and you have no magic wand. Please leave it.
You need to learn how to let go. That is a basic survival skill and he can’t help you with it.
If you are meant to be, someday you could be together. For now, learn the skill to find and keep the right person.
Mila
To me, I really think it depends on the circumstances of the break. Recently, my boyfriend told me he still loved his ex, and although he’s not trying to get back with her, he needs to get over her before he’s ready for a full on relationship. So, we’re taking a break from seeing each other and being together physically. However, we still text each other everyday and he does seem to be improving. And in your case, as long as you can handle the anxiety and fear of maybe suddenly going from this conversation to nothing at all, then I say continue it. It will remind him you’re still here, waiting for him. But don’t rush him, unless it starts taking too long. Just imagine what you would want if it were the other way around.
Raven
This thread was created back in August …
Val
This is almost the same thing as whats happening to me. We’ve been dating for a year and 10 months and yeah I agree we started to argue almost every 3rd day but its I believe not a big deal, there were small things. I just thought we were at that stage so I didn’t think much of it, after 3 weeks he tells me he wants a break. Hes been my best friend my everything for all that time. I told him everything and spent almost everyday together. We’ve been on this break for almost 2 weeks. We text but we text in the morning and then after 3 its done. I believe breaks are stupid, I feel as if we are going through something hard we should be able to solve together. He didn’t agree. He wants time to be a better person and just to have fun and party. But Its hard going from seeing him all day to maybe a 30 min a day or not at all. From face timing him and texting him to almost nothing.
CuriousMindAtEase
I was reading this article and it really gave me a perspective on what my girlfriend is going through I suggested a break a few days back and I wanted to keep contact text and what not, I even suggested hanging out with a group of friends she gave it a try but soon after she told me it was hurting her now I see why, but the only reason I suggested a break was because I honestly wanted to save the relationship, fix things all we did was argue, point out flaws, blame each other it was getting ugly and I thought maybe if we missed each other a little, let go of all the anger, I don’t want to be away from her I love her, I just don’t want to argue with her and fight I’m just scared it won’t end well if we go on like this, 😅 Thoughts?
Sophia
Please stop beating yourself up. We’ve all done the insecure texting. That’s how we know it doesn’t help the situation. Often you feel worse by the response of the lack of response altogether.
Be angry about him standing you up! Be angry about his lack of responsiveness! It will buy you a few days before getting sad. Hang in there and NO contact no matter what he texts or sends to you.
THAT’S a clear message that you’re moving on (for the time being). Take your power back sista, because only then, when he comes back (yes, I do think he will) will you be in the position to stop his crappy behavior and be clear that starting up again will be on a different playing field. Yours!
You’ll be able to be firm about what behavior is and isn’t acceptable from him and he’ll know you mean it.
So NO contact. You can do it. You’ve got this.
scorpio1
30 days seems to be a long time for a break. so much can happen in that time and the ability to move on is more probable. we both decided on a break, it has been a week, is it who breaks first that responds eventually ?
scorpio1
My ex bf just got out of a long term marriage and I fell as if he jumped into a serious relationship too fast and he dropped hints that he is feeling like he needs space and didn’t get to date etc. I know he loved me, I think people are filling his head.
Danielle
Me and my partner were together 1 year and 8 months and we did have a very intense but successful and passionate relationship however we are still very young. We do argue frequently and it has been getting us both down, for a while now I’ve been the one to call the shots , to be the one who said they are not happy but because I love him and the good times are worth it I stick with him, especially because he will cry and tell me how much he loves me and that everything he does he does for me, I recently went on holiday and it was all love before I went although some silly arguments before hand that were dealt with, mid point on my holiday he hadn’t replied to me all night on a Saturday so I got worried and freaked out and asked him to prove he was at home when he eventually replied , he kept questioning me about why I didn’t believe him but eventually showed me and was still making the effort to make me feel better, obviously the next day I wasn’t happy so we argued massively but this time he stood his ground abit more but after long arguing we left it as I said we’d speak later ending the call with I love you ect- he then sent me a message saying how I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and he loves me and I deserve better, then I didn’t really speak the next day because I met up with a girl friend on holiday and then the next day was the day I flew home and he all of a sudden was like I love you but it’s getting hard then told me he couldn’t promise everything was going to be okay and since then he broke up with me and then the next day ay told me he regretted it and that we would get through it together and then he has now said for the past week he just doesn’t know and he is confused and his head is f*cked , I love this boy truly and he treats me exceptionally and I just want him back, what advice can you give me as we are now on a break and at first he responded to my snapchat streak and now he ignores me and when I rang him he ignored that too, do you think there is a way to get him back? Am I wasting my time waiting for him or is it a case of him being only 18 and afraid? Many thanks xx
Newbie
Hi daniëlle, this is a really old post. You can read the advice that was given to the op , because it applies to you too. Also the part about being less dependent on someone else. You need to stop calling and texting him. If you want more replies create your own post (scroll to the botttom of the section you want to post in).
Also your guy broke up with you before, so its really up to him to proof he wants you, not the other way around. I think he is not in a good place for a relationship right now, so giving him space and spending your time with friends is the best thing to doYasminAb
Elizabeth. You are not dumb or silly; HE IS. He obviously has issues towards you and your relationship but same time he’s being very carefully on keeping a spot in your life, just in case. And this is extremely selfish and manipulative on his side. Just think if you really deserve to be treated like this – I would add up reflecting on whether you WANT someone in your life who treats you like this. Whether there’s some other woman involved or he’s going through an existential crisis, one thing is 100% sure: he will never go back to value you if he doesn’t feel he might loose you for good.
And sadly it can be the case he realizes he might loose you for you and just doesn’t care. One more reason not to care about him and move on with your life. Sign up for a gym/ dance class (something that releases endorphines), take lessons on something you are interested , join a charity or just sit a bar and TURN OFF your phone for a while. (Unless you are a doctor or something). I’m relatively new at the forum but you can count on our support.Ruth
Hy guyzs, I started dating my boyfriend early this year.
It was a bed of roses and so much fun.
Suddenly he reduced the way he spoke to me, sincerely I felt like I was a pest.Every conversation we made after then always ended up in him bieng angry.He explained that school work was stressing him out and I understood and reduced communicating, but I still sent messages once in a while to see how school was coming up for him.
Suddenly, he asked for a break and his reason was I needed time to myself.
For the past weeks when he was busy, I was literally to myself cause I hardly heard from him. I asked for a break up cause his reasons didnt make sense but he said no, I asked how long the break would be but he said till I finish thinking.
I want him back, I love him, I feel like texting him and saying that Im done thinking, I just dont know what to do.
Now Im here and so confused…caitlin jackson
So my live-in bf betrayed my trust. We then discovered that trust issues he thought he dealt with; he really didn’t. We decided to take a break, he needs to figure some things out and I need to deal with his betrayal.But I let him know that I always give him 100% and I expect nothing less from him. we can’t take our relationship to the next step until he gets over his fear. It has been less than a day. He isn’t moving out or anything but I am still figuring out the boundaries of enduring the break with him around. I know its still early and we have a way to go. I have forgiven him for betraying me, but I still need to go through the motions. I want this break to be a solution not result in a break-up.
Lisa
Elizabeth wrote
“I’m afraid if I do cut off communication, he’ll agree and not hearing from him will hurt worse. Or that he’ll realize he doesn’t miss me and that’ll be the end.”He can get spoiled, since he knows you want to be in a relationship with him again. So he can treat you rudely textwise, without you being able to complain.
He can string you along like this, not losing his admirer.This is like trying to be friends before both have moved on, after a breakup.
Usually not cool.
The person who got dumped will become a little bit of a doormat.
Doing emotional work and favours for the dumper, hoping …Your guy may not be aware that he is doing this, but in the back his mind he knows he has you.
I strongly suggest that you meet other guys, and don’t go exclusive until one of these guys has proposed to you, or something like that.
Anieke Nel
Me and my boyfriend love each other very much, but thhe last couple of weeks we have been fighting the whole time. The thing is none of us know why we are fighting.. So yesterday he decided we should take a break.. The thing is because of all the fighting we both need this but we don’t know how to handle it.. we want to talk but also not? We are writing end year exam the next couple of weeks and I don’t really see him in exams.. and after that we have matric vacation.. so i will only see him in January next year💔what should we do?
Karlie
I’m going through the almost same thing with my boyfriend he just lost his grandpa and he is leaving in 2 months and will be gone for 6 months. No matter how much I want to see him or contact him or even have him contact me I know that he has to deal with his stuff. He wanted the break and that is what I’m giving him. He wanted one a couple of days ago and these days have been hard. I have been told to just move on and forget about him. And I have also been told that we will make it work in the long run. He even told me the day he wanted a break that he wants us to work and we will if we take this break. He even gave me a hug and called me babe. I thought about dropping his stuff off and I thought about blocking him. But something is holding me back. I think it is God telling me to be patient and stay positive but it’s hard because he is my go to and my everything and I would do anything for him and this helps me by just talking about it shows me how real our love is for another. Because him and I told each other way before had that we would never take a break and we would work it out I know that this is his first break and this is mine I have so much hope that he will figure his stuff out soon but it still does kill me when people just tell me to give up hope and I’m here telling you that if someone is telling you that and you try but you can’t then sometimes that is a good sign. Take from someone that has gone no contact before in her past relationships. But every single one of them came back trying to get back with me. And one of them even told him that he still thinks of me and misses me I can tell you this much when you know someone is for you you just know and that is how it is for me. Yes him and I are on a break but I prayed so long and so hard about this relationship that I know God put this relationship in my life because we are meant to be together for a life time. I am here for you if you ever need anything and I know how hard it is for you right now. I also pray for you too.
Tammy
Why did he want a break in the first place? where is he going away for 6 mnths? How long have you guys been together? What kind of relationship did you guys share?
Widout the above information its diff to say much. But when a guy says he wants a break, you need to move on.. and yes you need to go bo contact.. take that break. Pick up on things you had given up. Pick up new activities. Meet friends go for holidays. Workout evryday. So many things to focus on.
If he really just wants a break, maybe he will revert. Or maybe this is his way of breaking off. Who knows? In the meanwhile pick up your life and take your focus of him. Assume it’s breakup.
Who knows? He may or may not reconnect. But leave him well alone. He wants a break, leave him well alone!!! Get on with your life.
Maybe god doesnt want you guys to be together and hence this break?
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