Boyfriend vs Best Friend


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This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Newbie 2 weeks, 6 days ago.

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  • #777791 Reply

    Steffie

    Hi All,

    I have a lovely boyfriend whom i’v been with for 3 years. He has disabilities and I love and support him in every day life. He will not be able to have a normal life without me. Im 22 years old.

    I also have a best friend (a guy) of 7 years, and although it’s two or three times a year, we make the effort to see eachother.

    The other day, I finally saw him after 6 months. We are very familiar with eachother’s house and family. I went to his and he came to mine. He also knows my boyfriend.

    When we were hanging out, we both knew it felt amazing to finally see eachother, and we missed one another. We hugged on the sofa and he got his head on my shoulder too. We joked about how none of this will probably be allowed if my boyfriend was here. (He was working that day).

    And- since then, I cannot stop thinking about how things might’v been. How much I miss him.
    My boyfriend and I are currently going through a PIP tribunal and it’s extremely stressful.
    My mother questioned me whether I was going to be his carer forever.

    What should I do?

    #777792 Reply

    Whatz best 4 u

    The right thing.

    #777796 Reply

    Raven

    What is a PIP Tribunal?

    Being a caregiver for your romantic partner is really hard!
    You become ‘mom’ instead of Darling…

    Can you hire a caregiver?
    How much care does he need?

    #777846 Reply

    Steffie

    @Whatz best 4 u

    The right thing for me, is to stay with my partner and care for him. Were you thinking the same?

    @Raven

    PIP is Personal Independence Payment. Basically Disabilities Benefits. We’re fighting the organisation who assessed my partner atm because they gave him zero points for all aspects of daily living!
    I understand what you mean. I think we do have a good balance of; ‘caregiver’ and ‘darling’ relationship, but he needs help organising his day, making sure he eats, drinks, gets changed, goes to work on time, prompting for toilet, bathing..etc.
    I guess, being with my best friend released mt daily stress and maybe I missed the feeling?

    #777852 Reply

    Raven

    You’re a better woman than me…
    Sounds like you’re taking care of a child-

    #777855 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I agree with Raven. It’s admirable that you have taken on the role of carer for your boyfriend, but you’re only 22 years old. Is this really what you want for the rest of your life? It would be one thing if you were married or in a relationship for many years, and one of you became disabled, and you started physically caring for the person. But you’re very young to be tied down as a carer to someone with such great needs.

    “He would not be able to have a normal life without me”. This is a huge weight to bear for anyone, not to mention someone as young as you are.

    Could it be that you are frustrated or unsatisfied with your relationship, and being with your best friend made you realize what it would be like to be in a relationship where you were not the caregiver in every aspect?

    I’m not saying you should break up with the boyfriend. But you should evaluate your relationship closely and see if it’s meeting your needs (as we should with all romantic relationships!)
    Would it be possible for your boyfriend to have a professional carer so that you are not put in that role, and can just be a girlfriend to him?

    #777858 Reply

    AllieM

    OP, only YOU know the right thing. Strangers on the internet cannot give you valid advice on this that you should use to make a decision that will affect the rest of your life and his. Your friends and family also aren’t probably the right ones to advise either. You should be discussing this with a counselor who can objectively help you arrive at the decision you’re comfortable with.

    Have you discussed marriage and children, finances, your career, his career? You have to if you have not. If you just keep doing this without clarity – you’re giving up years of your life you can’t get back.

    Whatever you decide is the right thing… don’t stay out of pure pity and guilt/duty-based obligation.

    #777862 Reply

    Warasen

    Is this best friend someone you want to have sex with? I only ask because if he’s a platonic friend, why do you compare him to your boyfriend?
    How did your boyfriend come to be totally reliant on you?

    #777863 Reply

    Newbie

    I think that yes being with your friend and feel closer to him, is the result of your daily stress atm. I wouldnt pay much attention to it, except take it as a sign that you have to have some fun and loving things with your bf too. And try to find a way where he can be less dependant on you because too me it does sound too much.

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