Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Boyfriend needs space?
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Andrea
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 13 months so a year and no doubt love him. But sometimes he says he needs space and doesn’t return my calls or texts. I’m just annoyed sometimes that he ignores me. I know he hates texting but he tries to make an effort to text me 80-90% of the time. He makes an effort with good morning texts and how are you texts.
My gut tells me everything is fine. He does this every now and again for a few days, usually after a whole day together or a weekend together. I feel like he wants space and doesn’t like it when we’re always with each other. Same with me, but with me my need for space is less than him.
I just want to be sure that’s not him falling out of love or losing interest even though I’m sure everything is fine. I guess it’s my insecurities speaking.
Like I know he’s a good guy but ughhhhhh sometimes I can get quite needy and just want some attention from him. I’ve been learning how to give him space and learn to have my own life/routine.
I’m posting because I want everyone here’s opinion/advice. If I’m needy, then please tell me. Thanks
mama
You’ve admitted you are needy. You also sound a bit young. Here’s the best advice I think I can give you for your immediate problem: I think you need to find a hobby, something for yourself to keep you busy and preoccupied. Set goals for yourself. Workk on them. Learn something, do something, create something. Something that doesn’t exist in relation to your boyfriend.
You become the least interesting person when all you are doing is either spending time with him, waiting to spend time with him and complaining when you aren’t spending time with him. It’s got to be exhausting for him feeling like he’s your reason for living (I hope I’m exaggerating).
You’ve already said he’s pretty good at responding. Back off a bit and make your life more about balance and less about him. You are suffocating him with your neediness.
cupcake
I think you need to lay off him and work on your insecurities/neediness issues.
It sounds to me he really tries to accommodate your needs. It‘s only fair you try to do the same.Newbie
I dont like the words needy or clingy as it sounds so crazy woman but in this case i do think him needing space is due to you overtexting and calling and expect him to do the same.
Think about this: if you are not big on texting but prefer to talk face to face sending texts is gruesome to an avid texter since you know it opens textgate and you have to respond or rhe other person gets annoyed. So you need breaks. If you let him be, he would step up as your bf. But not now since youre treating him as a gf. And even so worse: it looks like you having nothing better to do than waiting for bf to text. Its just aweful.
And why you need all this attention for? Are you so hollow that you cant make your day meaningful by itself?
If you put up with this behaviour you will lose the bf’s especially when texting is not high up on their list to do.
Then the texts itself. You trained the bf to send you good morning and how are you texts. On the list of interesting conversations this ranks the lowest of them.
If i were you i would Have a talk with him where you can hopefully acknowledge that your texting desires are over the top and you want to give both of you some breathing space. But you like to know your input on it.
I know im harsh but i also dont want you to kill this relationshipPersephone
He sounds like a wonderful boyfriend.
I wonder if you’re not quite as needy as people are painting you to be. He has a right to space, for sure. However, it’s a little controlling and unkind to take that space without setting boundaries around it. So I like the suggestion about having a talk with him to let him know that you’re going to be giving him more space when he needs it because you’re also going to use that space to develop yourself. I would be tempted to take it a step further to ask him if, when he takes his space, he could give you an idea of when he’d be ready to come back to you. Sometimes, he may not know, but honestly, if this is his pattern you both need to learn how to function within it while getting both needs met. And if you both give a little on this, I feel like maybe you knowing there will be an end to the space will help you to be less anxious and free up some mental/emotional space so that you can work on hobbies and interests of your own.
Also, when I used to be anxious about people taking space my therapist told me that it’s not fair to others to try to control/change their actions on the outside because I am feeling insecure on the inside. Something from your past likely makes you anxious, and that’s okay. But don’t let it spiral and spoil a good relationship. I’m sure you’re a reasonable person with a little baggage. Don’t feel bad about yourself, just sit with it and refocus.
Everyone in relationships has issues of some type. It’s how the individuals manage them and work together knowing each others’ issues that determines the success of the relationship. Good luck to you!
Newbie
I do agree a lot with persephone addition. I did suggest to talk but she is 100% right that this is the time where you go into adult couple mood and you establish what works for both sides. And Yes we focused on the needy parts but to talks to him about how long he generally wants space and what that means to him is totally fair for you. So its a good way to grow closer and more mindfull of each other.
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