Blindsided


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This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Mandee 1 day, 3 hours ago.

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  • #934578 Reply

    Mandee

    So my ex bf (M26) and I (F27) had been dating for 2.5 years and lived together for 1.5. We were friends a whole year before dating. We had a really good relationship with trust, respect, shared values and knew how to have a good time. I also got along really great with his family and friends. And about 2 months ago we had talked about moving back to his hometown and he wanted me to move with him. Then about 3 weeks ago he comes in and says that he loves me but he can’t see me in his future right now and that he is moving out and needs some independence. I was totally shocked. 20 min later he packed a bag and stayed with a friend. He came back the next day and had completely moved out in less than 24 hours. All he could say is that his heart just wasn’t in this anymore and he couldn’t give me the commitment I deserve and that he felt we had been growing apart for awhile now and that this was something he had to do. I was totally caught off guard since he didn’t act any different and did not talk to me about how he was feeling. We were even leaving for Mexico the next week for a trip just the two of us. He kept saying that I will be happier because of this one day and deserve to be with someone that will give me 110% but would contradict himself saying that we can definitely reassess after some time apart, this isn’t goodbye forever we just need some time, that he doesn’t want to burn bridges with me and that couples break up and get back together all the time. I asked him if this was just a break and said that he wants to break up but acknowledges things can change but he thinks this is the right decision right now. That just messed with my head. It was really hard to accept that he could potentially see himself with someone else after he was talking about our future not long before. Even the weekend before we were talking about our 4th of July plans and the events we had in the fall. I don’t think he met anyone else but at this point I could be totally wrong. I hate that he left so many breadcrumbs of hope that he could change his mind but also feeling very confident in his decision that he will not come back. We haven’t talked since and it’s been awful. His sister even reached out saying how highly she and his family think of me and that they are so grateful for how well I treated him. I know he had trouble showing emotions and communication which would often cause me to be super needy and insecure. I really could of done better with this and I know it’s something to work on. It is just hard to imagine him just losing feelings after not acting any different. I understand we had a routine and it was probably too comfortable for him. Which is why we wanted to go on a trip together to change it up. I asked him why he told me he wanted me to move with him and plan this trip if he’s been feeling this way and he said that he did feel those things at those moments. I just really wish he had communicated with me how he was feeling so we could maybe try to figure it out. But he said he doesn’t think everything is fixable and that you can’t talk everything out. I know he isn’t coming back/reaching out/changing his mind even though I really wanted to believe he would reassess everything after some time apart. It really is like mourning the death of my best friend. I thought he was the one and he decided I wasn’t the right one for him. I wish I could get closure knowing why he didn’t see a future with me since all he said was a gut feeling. Trying to move forward but it’s so much easier said than done! Any feedback to help me understand would be greatly appreciated.

    #934584 Reply

    A

    He definitely met someone else. That is the reason. I’m sorry but you deserve so much better. No contact and move on.

    #934585 Reply

    Zoe

    2 OPTIONS:
    You were too needy and he has had enough/became too comfortable/lost feelings(could be all in one)
    OR He met someone else

    Either way, you move on. He did it once he will do it again, You deserve better!

    #934587 Reply

    Maddie

    “I was totally caught off guard since he didn’t act any different and did not talk to me about how he was feeling.”

    This is your closure right here. He’s not ready to show up maturely in a relationship. Not only does he have a major communication problem, but he tried to soften the blow by keeping the door open kind of — so he’s either too uncomfortable to be fully honest with you or he can’t even commit to the idea of a breakup (so forget about a relationship)! It’s very unfortunate that it took this long to find out, but I don’t think this is uncommon in your 20s when people haven’t yet had a lot of experience with longer relationships yet.

    I’ve had people do this to me in the past, and it didn’t have to do with meeting anyone else or even with me so much… it wasn’t really anything personal and was more about immaturity and the relationship working up to a fun point but simply not being the right one for the long-haul. It doesn’t mean it reflects poorly on you, especially when it’s a blind-side breakup. So don’t blame yourself for his communication issues. He’s probably telling you the truth that he can’t explain himself, because he’s a bad communicator and unsure of himself in general at this stage of his life. But when people are saying contradictory things, listen to the negative, not to the breadcrumbs.

    Growing apart didn’t necessarily have anything to do with you either, there’s still a lot of exploration and figuring out who you are and what you want, even into your mid 20s. And there’s very little one person can do if the other isn’t communicating. Relationships really are a two-way street that one person can’t prop up on their own. Give yourself some time and grace, but do also keep your door closed for a while and don’t let him be wishy-washy. He doesn’t get to come and go as he pleases. Take your space and heal and mourn, and protect your boundaries since he’s broken your trust. Eventually, it will feel better and you’ll look for a better fit who will be there for you and putting in the effort to keeping things fresh whether you’re having a good time or need to deal with more serious stuff. Don’t blame yourself for being too needy and not being able to read his mind — know instead that this teaches you that you eventually want a partner who is a better communicator and one who wants to solve problems as a team instead of keeping everything to themselves and then making decisions on your behalf. Hang in there! *hugs*

    #934589 Reply

    ANgieBaby

    Here’s the deal. You’re in your twenties. You’ve been together long enough now for marriage to be on the table at some point soon, especially since you were talking about moving in together.

    Maybe he met someone else, maybe he didn’t. It really doesn’t matter. What he did was think it through long enough to realize he isn’t ready to take the next step with you. That happens a lot to relationships at your age. He was honest and he removed himself immediately. That was decent. What isn’t cool is he’s also trying to keep the door open for later, which I’m sure he can’t see right now is very unfair. Either he’s doing it to soften the blow or he’s afraid he’ll realize later he made a big mistake, I suspect.

    It know it feels like a sucker punch, when everything seemed fine. This is how men are though. They operate differently than we do. Women don’t tend to break up with a guy when everything is going well. They will usually break up after a period of being openly unhappy. So did he mean it when he said he wanted you to move with him? Yes, that the time he said it. Did he want to go on vacation with you to Mexico? Yes, at the time it was booked. But in his mind things changed. At least he didn’t let you move with him and then break up. I’ve seen that one happen.

    Do everything that Maddie said, that’s great advice. I wouldn’t be too quick to take him back.

    On the flip side I will say in my twenties I saw three cases of friends who had solid relationships, broke up for a period and then got back together and got married and now 10 years later are still together. In each case (two male, one female did the break up) they needed time and space (up to a year in each case) to be totally sure they were ready to make a lifelong commitment. And when they were in, they were in. So you really do never know.

    However, I would assume that he’s gone so you can grieve, heal and move on. I will tell you that in the cases I described above, the ones who were on the receiving end of the breakup let go gracefully and went forward with their lives without looking back and had no contact for months with the person who left.

    I know it hurts. I’m sorry. This does happen without it being someone’s fault. I wouldn’t waste time looking for what you could have done wrong. Be kind to yourself now. Surround yourself with your friends and family and take one day at a time. We’ve all been through heartbreak. it does heal. Hugs.

    #934591 Reply

    Rubi

    Well he has been thinking about this for a long long time. Unlike you who just learnt of this decision. But he will be back, just go no contact. If I were you though I wouldn’t take him back, just because he didn’t even talk to you about the things that was going on in his mind at all. And he’s trying to keep you waiting on him to come back after he’s done pursuing whatever adventure. This is a hell no.

    There is a youtube channel by Coach Lee. Go binge watch it. I HIGHLY recommend it. All the answers is there. From he’s thoughts to dumpers remorse. It will also help you cope and understand things a lot better.

    #934613 Reply

    Mandee

    Thank you for all the kind words and input! It’s a day by day process about not dwelling on the things he said and what we could of done differently to keep the spark or love alive. That’s the part that’s hard that I don’t think he even tried and thought what we had was worth saving. I know this happens that two people can love each other and not work out. He really just wasn’t ready for a commitment and wants to enjoy his 20s. So I am sure I will have acceptance about all this at some point in the future. So I’m trying to stay positive by surrounding myself with friends and family but rejection by the person you love because they lost feelings/attraction knocks you down a bit. But as I said it’s a day by day thing! Stupid guy saying “I’ll never tell you there’s a zero percent chance that we won’t get back together” 🙄

    #934620 Reply

    Tammy

    Glad your dealing with it in such a mature way. Not sure what the future holds. He may or he may not come back. But for the present this is over and so you must focus on moving on without him. It happens. Noones fault. Pls do not wait for him in the hope he may return.

    #934688 Reply

    Mandee

    UPDATE – I ended up having to see him this past Sunday because he got something in the mail that was important for his CPA license so I told him I’d leave it on the front porch along with his other stuff he left but guess he decided he wanted to talk. Nothing changed and he kept saying he wants to be single and not with anyone and that he doesn’t see himself settling down for a long time. but here’s the shocker he decided he’s moving to Dallas, which is 3 hours away. Can totally see him meeting someone quickly. He goes I was only here bc of you and when I started looking for apartments I realized I needed a life change but doesn’t have a job there yet. Also shocking bc now he is even farther away from his family. This was really sad to hear because now we will never see each other again and plus I think he just really wants to go and be a f*** boy. Lots of going out in Dallas and he’s going to move in with 2 of his single friends. That really takes a toll on someone! I even said I thought you got all that out before we started dating and he was like idk I think I just need to experience life more. Idk in my mind is just sounds like he wasn’t happy with our sex life?? He said to not take any of this personal but that’s easier said than done because obviously something personal about me he didn’t like anymore so this has all really hurt my self esteem. He even said I need to raise my standards bc he was a terrible boyfriend to me. Which sucks bc it’s like wow you knew but didn’t want to change for me. I think the first two years he was great but then once he passed the CPA he wanted to go be free since he no longer had school and studying and that’s when he checked out. I called him out for all his breadcrumbs he left saying that wasn’t fair and he said that maybe he was trying to soften the blow but also doesn’t believe in absolutes bc this has been so hard on him. It’s really hard knowing I’ll never see him again after basically seeing him everyday for 2.5 years. And everyone keeps saying oh in a few months he’s going to miss you bc the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I thought that at first but now that he’s moving it really is out of sight out of mind. Maybe I’m just a sensitive person but not sure how someone just totally forgets the person they lived with for a year! I know I will move on at some point but yeah thinking of him with someone else right now is sickening. Hopefully I will be better some day bc of this but it is hard seeing the person you thought you knew do all this.

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