Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › BF didn’t get me bday present
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 2 years, 3 months ago by
Anonymous.
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Jamie
I’ve been with my partner for 5 yrs
Before me he has never been on a serious relationship . We are in our early 30s. He’s trustworthy , listens well , and I feel safe and secure with him, that’s why I am with him. However
My issue is he is slack at suprising me or ‘spoiling me’ . For example never gets me flowers or takes initiative to make me feel special and yes I’ve told him I like getting flowers .
Today he wishes me a happy bday before going to work . Comes back empty handed and said we will do something on Saturday (although I know he has nothing planned as he spent a few hours on his phone looking for something for us to do on Saturday). Basically today , he bought us Uber eats for dinner, gave me hug and kiss an that’s pretty much all I got today.
Am I being too fussy ? It’s the lack of effort that’s frustrating . I told him all he had to do was pop into the grocery store and buy me some flowers or something small and it would mean the world to me. He says his stressful day at work got the best of him but honestly , it’s one day a year. It makes me question the relarionship when I see my friends being treated like queens by their men all the time and I can’t even get any special treatment on my actual birthday . Christmas was the same , he had nothing planned for me . Just a last minute gift when we went to the mall to get groceries he purchased something that I picked as we happened to walk past a store I liked . If we didn’t walk past that store I would’ve got nothing .
Am I over reacting or is this just slack effort from my bf ?Liz Lemon
It sounds like gifts/birthdays are not a big deal to him. Do you make a fuss over him on his birthday? Does he expect you to? Or can he take it or leave it?
How does he treat you in general? Is he kind and generous? Does he try to make you happy? I’ve been with my bf for 4 years and he’s also not into making a big fuss over birthdays or bringing me flowers, but I’m OK with that because I’m not either. He’s very generous with me throughout the year and makes an effort to make me happy, and I see that.
My advice is to look at the big picture. How does your boyfriend treat you the other 364 days of the year? You have to accept that this is the way your boyfriend is. After 5 years, you know he isn’t going to change. You have to decide if you can live with him the way he is. Don’t compare him to other women’s boyfriends; decide if he makes you happy the way he is. If this issue is a symptom of something larger– that is, if he’s never generous or giving to you– then that’s a bigger problem.
Ann
Honey, first you need to analyze his behavior in general… Unfortunately people love/show love differently
I see that your way of feeling loved (gifts) is different from his.
There is a book that was special for my life, and I think it will be for yours too. Please read the book “The 5 Love Languages.” Author identifies five ways people experience love: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. If you speak a different love language than he does, your BF may not intuitively understand how to make you feel loved and appreciated.Honesty Rocks
This is one that you have to decide yourself. I guess if you say to him he may understand that its important to you to make an effort and up his game a bit. But then again he may not. He probably wont change. I see people on fb etc and they have the balloons, party settings, banners etc for their childrens birthdays. All elaborate and for show. I dont do all that. I would rather put money towards their gifts thats me im the practical type, it doesnt mean I love my kids any less. I just dont need the bling. It depends if you want to have a guy like this or not is it a dealbreaker ? Do you need to be shown the grander gestures of love and appreciation or does he have other redeeming qualities that make him a great partner ?
tammy
i agree with Liz. if after 5 years of knowing you like special treats, he still hasn’t upped his game on your b’day, i doubt he will in the future. who knows for sure? this is him. take it or leave it. but before you take that decision u need to weigh in on other factors as Liz pointed out.
redcurleysue
Buy yourself flowers and gifts. Expensive ones – you are worth it. We teach others how to treat us. When he sees this hopefully it will sink in. If not you will still be ahead.
Anonymous
Not going to lie, I was like you in the beginning. Wanted to feel spoiled like in rom com movies. my bf never once bought me any birthday gifts or Christmas gifts (he bought me earrings once but it was bc I went into the shop and asked him to buy me it). I questioned his affection for me for awhile.
I eventually accepted the fact that I can’t change him and after a period of time, I noticed he shows love in a different way via services and I have zero doubt now! Things he does like getting up super early (5-6am) when he doesn’t want to, just to walk me to the bus station and walk back so that I get into work safely; stays calm and listens to me when I’m crying and being totally unreasonable.
I once dated a guy who liked fancy dinners, got me flowers but he turned out to be a jerk. Don’t get me wrong not to say guys who buys flowers are jerks or guys who don’t aren’t . … I think you need to assess yourself what his love language is and if the lack of gifts is acceptable to you.. and most importantly if he truly likes/loves you.
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