Best friend-love-no contact- so difficult.


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  • #353550 Reply
    Judy

    Hi everyone, I’m new here. I just wanted to say hello, and get some advice/encouragement/support. I have decided today to back away from an unhealthy situation with my “best friend” — a guy that I love deeply but that I know is not healthy for me. I’m tired of being hurt and I’m tired of the roller coaster.

    He says he loves me, but I’ve learned words and actions are not the same. Looking at his actions, it is clear that he doesn’t really care about me. So today is day 1 of stepping away. I’m actually not even going to tell him- because every time I try this he talks me out of it or I go back…I’m just going to fade away. I have to protect myself. Enough is enough.

    #353555 Reply
    Ann

    Awh, Judy,

    I have gone through what you are going through. It’s “your” Gambler Guy that you are talking about, right?

    As the wise women here have told me, some people are just takers. They suck you in, they take advantage of us caregivers, and they suck us dry. Fading away from him is maybe a good strategy, because people like that won’t listen to your words. Just take it one hour at a time, you can do it.

    I know exactly what you are talking about. UGH. Sweetie, just know there are women here who will send you strength. Keep yourself busy this weekend. Just tell yourself for now you want to get through the weekend. Remind yourself that you deserve someone who is into you, who adores you.

    The most difficult thing for “my” Gambler Guy was that I was always trying to figure out why he was not into me, but wanted me around. I finally figured out that I was taking care of him so much, he was in hog heaven, and I had turned into his mammy as I think Lane told me. haha

    Think about what gives you comfort. Do those things.

    Hugs

    #353593 Reply
    Judy

    Ann, you’re right. Thank you for the response and advice :) Yes, it’s my Gambler Guy. Off on, hot/cold…basically I’m his fallback girl and I know it. When we met he told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship bc he had just gotten out of a long one…I was cool with it bc I had just gotten divorced and didn’t want anything serious either. (Hellloooo red flag!)

    But as time has gone on, he became my best friend. He can be really great at times, but also terrible. I don’t like who I am when I’m with him. He makes me insane. I’ve never gotten so worked up about someone- I’ve never gotten so angry, so hurt, but then so high on my feelings. He tells me he loves me. I know that neither one of us need a relationship right now as I am obviously still sorting out some issues.

    But I’m finding that I’m getting in too deep. I don’t think I can do the friends, or FWB thing anymore. It’s a roller coaster, and it’s killing me. I’m exhausted. My emotions are everywhere. I never know what to expect from one day to the next. Trust is gone bc of some things that happened…and when trust is gone, you have nothing.

    I need to move on. One minute at a time.

    #353594 Reply
    Judy

    Wow. Writing that out made me realize some things and it helped!

    #353595 Reply
    Ann

    Wow Judy,

    I could have written what you wrote. Just wow.

    I find I can’t do the FWB thing either. I, too, think Gambler Guy and I became best of friends, almost in a platonic way. I, too, realized trust was not there, and probably never was. I, too, at the start didn’t want anything serious as I was still adjusting to being single.

    Wow.

    You are so correct. It is exhausting. It shouldn’t be.

    The thing that I am thankful for, as far as having had him in my life, is that the situation was SO extreme, that it finally dawned on me that my failed relationships have not always been my partners’ faults. I HAVE ISSUES TOO. Who knew? haha Through Gambler Guy I learned that my codependent issues run much deeper than I thought, and that I caregive to the point where I lose myself. So, in a very twisted way he was good for me, but I wish I could have learned it on-line through an Eric article instead.

    So, I trudge on. Hearing your story has really helped me today. I know you are struggling too today. So, just let’s share our strength okay? Tonight I’m gonna listen to music and sort through a pile of papers on my desk. I’m going to enjoy my quiet living room and just be.

    The biggest point I took out of your message above was where you said “you don’t like who you are when you are with him”….. OMG. THAT IS ME. I don’t like the bending over backwards, sacrificing, weirdo I was with him. I can’t imagine he would have respect for me in the end because I expected nothing from him.

    Thank you Judy.

    #353597 Reply
    Judy

    Ann- you made me get all teary eyed! Thank you for saying all of that. It’s hard to talk to my friends about it because, well, they’re tired of hearing about him, and they don’t understand it.

    It’s really nice to talk to a woman who has gone through it and is on the other side. I actually have a date tonight, but it will be over early. I’m worried about being home alone on a Friday night after my date…I’m usually out. Usually with Gambler Guy. I’ve been trying not to text him today. He asked me why I was quiet, and I just said “I’m good, just busy at work” – I’m going to just try to put some distance between us without having a big conversation.

    I noticed today that I am anxious BECAUSE OF HIM. I am tense all day. Wondering if he’ll text, when he’ll text, if we’re going to see each other that night (we usually hang out most every day. I know.) I’m also waiting for the other shoe to drop when he hurts me again or disappears.

    He hasn’t dated this year. I have. I know that he will probably date soon…and I’ve realized that there is no way I can handle that and be his friend. He could do it for me, but I think it’s because he’s not into me as much as I am into him.

    Sigh. I will check in with you tonight if that’s ok. I might need some back up.

    #353600 Reply
    Ann

    Are you me? Seriously. Wow.

    Just out of curiosity does your Gambler Guy gamble like mine? Mine is a compulsive gambler, so all of his actions revolve around getting the next fix. Until him, I had no idea how destructive gambling addiction could be.

    There is no way that I could handle seeing him date others. Just like you. AND, we need to remember, that kind of attitude is RIDICULOUS!!!! If they don’t want us, why on EARTH do we want them? And, even as I type these words to you, I still am wondering, why isn’t he into me? UGH.

    If you have been dating, I bet you’ve been with at least one guy who has fallen for you hard. I have, that is my Nice Guy. That too has helped me, because I can’t explain to him why exactly I’m not into him like he wants me to be. SOOOOOO, I think to myself, well, it’s probably the same with Gambler Guy, he’s just not into me, and it’s not a reflection on me. Just like it’s not a reflection on Nice Guy that I’m not into him. Also Gambler Guy is totally fe@cked up.

    I don’t have internet access at home, and I don’t have a smart phone. I know. Primitive. My technology is all messed up right now. So, you won’t see me on here tonight. I wish there was a way to share a phone number with you, as I’d text you moral support. You can do it Judy. Really. You can. Just get through the night.

    You are doing all the right things.

    The other thing I would tell you to do is rest your brain. Stop thinking. Just stop thinking. We’ve thought this through to the death, right? At least for tonight, do the self care thing, comfort yourself.

    Another thing that was said to me is that I am pining for something that I wish existed. But it doesn’t exist. Not in reality. So, just be in the moment. To rest my brain I have been noticing the world around me, and comforting myself with listening to birds chirp, smelling the air, looking at the green grass, flowers, listening to children play, listening to music, eating good yummy foods, taking nice soothing showers, pampering myself. I had a spa day for myself at home the other day, I slathered creams, lotions, gave myself a pedicure, super conditioned my hair, did really pretty make-up. Then I went to a an ice cream stand feeling beautiful. I smiled at people. Kids. Old people. They smiled back. It all feels good.

    #353602 Reply
    judy

    Wow, that was beautiful and i can relate to everything you’re saying. I can’t write more right now, but i will soon.

    You have no idea how much that helps. Thank you!!!!

    #353650 Reply
    Ann

    Hi Judy, just checking in. I hope all is ok.

    #353911 Reply
    Judy

    Hi Ann,
    Thank you for checking on me :) Rough weekend- he texted me on Saturday asking what I was doing- I responded briefly. He called, I didn’t answer, I called back- he didn’t answer. He hasn’t responded to any of my texts from yesterday… I’m done and I told him.

    I deleted his number from my phone, and blocked him on facebook. I’m going to find an app that will let me block his calls and texts on my phone so I am not tempted.

    I’m having a hard time, but I’m doing ok. I know I can do this. He will never change. I need him out of my life so I can move on. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting the same results.

    Whenever I miss him or feel sad or lonely or start thinking about the good times, I just keep seeing the image of him in my head during a moment when he hurt me- the look in his eyes when he hurt me, and how he didn’t care. That image is helping me remember who he REALLY is- not the guy I’ve built him up in my head to be.

    Thank you, again. I’m angry today.

    #354240 Reply
    Ann

    Hi Judy, I’ve been away from the on-line world for days…..

    It sounds like you had a tough few days, but anger might be a good thing. It might give you the strength to push through.

    What is happening now? How are you doing?

    #354719 Reply
    Mia

    This sounds eerily similar to my recent “Gambler guy” (also a gambler, and drank a lot too)situation. In the beginning we both expressed how we were not into anything “too serious”. We continued to see each other for 2 and a half years, we were the best of friends, never really separated, always in each other pockets. We had a fair share of fights, but they only lasted a few days max, because I would always give in. I found myself giving in more and more, and in turn, being ridiculously anxious about him just leaving me, just like that. I told him I loved him about a year and a few months into the so called relationship, he rang me blind drunk the next night expressing how much he loved me. He only said the “L’ word twice when he was drunk. When sober “He didn’t believe in such a thing as love, that it was all a concept”. HA!
    Anyway, I felt as though, in the end, I was nothing more than an emotional support system that fed his ego. When I would express a concern, or hurt, he would find a way to manipulate it around on me, and stupidly I let him. Even to the point where I would question myself.
    The last few months were dreadful, full of fights, then a tiny re kindling stage followed by another huge fight. contact faded.
    The last time we spoke, I stupidly asked if he would like to join me for an event in a few months, which he laughed at like it was a joke. Made me feel like a joke.
    22 days zero contact today (longest we have had in 3 years) and I feel 100% better for it. I’m no longer anxious and my confidence has came roaring back!

    #354966 Reply
    judy

    Mia- Tell me your secrets!!! It does sound similar, and I am struggling with no contact.

    #355023 Reply
    Mia

    Hi Jenny,
    I’ve found distraction works pretty well, although I know you can’t keep yourself busy all the time. I pick up the dictionary and try to memorize a new word, or paint. I find the hardest time to keep to the no contact is late at night. Sometimes it’s so hard not to think of anything else, so what I do is, gather up a few songs and play them on my ipod on repeat (usually Amy Winehouse) I have a cry and get it all out. I’ve also found that removing all the reminders has helped (I had a stack of letters from GG that I sent back to him) The main thing to focus on is, you will be ok, you do deserve better, they are NOT going to change (although you still secretly cross your fingers) and that, if you could feel such a connection with this particular guy imagine the possibilities with others in future.

    #355026 Reply
    Mia

    Sorry Judy, not Jenny. haha.

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