being anxious/ is he still keen


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This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Maddie 1 month, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #899888 Reply

    Sabrina

    HI,

    So I have been dating this guy for over 2 months now, we are exclusive and I know he is not dating anyone else. We see each other once or 2 a week, he is the one initiating all the dates and has been extremely consistent from the start, he always plans dates, pay for meals etc we usually go out or do some activity during the day, in 2 months time there was maybe one or 2 occasions were we had a home dates (more so at the beginning because of lockdown).
    He is also pretty consistent with texting but I feel like the amount of texts are decreasing now but we still see each other as often as we used if not more.

    I had some bad experience from the past where my anxiety took over and I was looking for signs that someone might be losing interest where everything was perfectly fine and I think it maybe happening now too.

    I also wanted to mention that my nationality is different to his and where I live people don’t usually mix and I haven’t met his friends yet , I know his family and friends know that he is dating me but right from the start they were laughing at my accent (stereotyping) because obviously they don’t know how I speak. Also he mentioned that his mates whenever he says he has a date they ask :oh with the (my nationality ) one and he told them that I have a name so they should use that instead. If I am honest because of their attitude I am not really keen on meeting them and I feel like he is either embarrassed to introduce me or he is trying to protect me and him somehow.

    should I worry about his texts habits when we see each other every 2 days? should I worry that his friends might not want me around and he will eventually listen to his friends and find someone with his nationality ?

    thank you

    #899892 Reply

    Raven

    So, You’re worried that you’re dating a racist?

    #899900 Reply

    Sabrina

    ha I wouldn’t say racist but I know for guys , their friends opinion is important

    #899904 Reply

    Raven

    Then his friends are racists…

    #899974 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Is this Sarah/Sheila again??

    #900003 Reply

    ANM Staff
    Keymaster

    (@AngieBaby – I don’t think so, not this time)

    #900010 Reply

    Maddie

    “I feel like the amount of texts are decreasing now but we still see each other as often as we used if not more.”

    After a couple months, if the in-person time is still escalating, I wouldn’t put much stock in the texting. A lot of people don’t like texting but do it at the beginning to make sure the other person knows they’re interested, until that’s been established well enough. People who are more prone to anxious dating put way more analysis and thought into texting than others do.

    It does sound like maybe you’re actually feeling uneasy because there are compatibility concerns, but it’s getting funneled through more familiar “is he losing interest” anxiety because it’s very difficult for an anxious dater to think in terms of maybe this isn’t the right person for me — because they tend to want to be in a relationship and want so much for it to work out. It becomes, “how do I keep his interest” instead of, “am I really that interested and is he a good match for me? And if not, should I walk away?”

    You’ve identified real red flags here, not about his interest in you but about him as a person, and you need to consider if he’s the right guy for you. That’s what dating and dating exclusively is all about, gauging if it’s a good match. His friends do sound ignorant at best, and people’s friends can be a reflection of their own character. I’d pay less attention to the idea of maybe this guy will want to listen to his friends and more attention to the fact that it’s such early days still yet you’re already uncomfortable with meeting them (with good reason). Try to frame all this as what do you want, does a situation like this make you happy and meet your need if you need to hang out with people like that and be judged by them, and is your guy doing enough to speak up on your behalf? Because if you’re seeing early indications that the answer is no, this dynamic is more likely to grow over time than it is to go away. No guy should be letting anyone talk ignorant $h*t about their date, partner, girlfriend, wife, etc. as it shows a lack of respect and an imbalance to the dynamic between him and you. (Yes, I know my perspective is from a background in a society that’s less patriarchal than some and there may be cultural differences present here, but I still view this as a healthy respect issue.)

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