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Jo.
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Frankie
I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years now. We met online. He’s from Nigeria.
In the course of two years, everything’s great. My sister and mum have told em there’s something they can’t put their finger on it but they don’t like him.
I’ve told my friends he’s quite militant and aggresive. He doen’t really have a car so we both agreed he should put his name down in my car insurance. We both have good jobs. He works in banking and I work in a charity. Yesterday, he said “Oh, now I have to make breakfast, lunch and dinner during lockdown, usually breakfast, lunch and dinner are prepared for me. I usually have breakfast when I go to work, now I have to prepare dinner myself.” My mum is a chef and showed him all the cooking she’s done in the past since she has a youtube channel. He asked me “Don’t tell me you can’t cook that”.
Maybe I’m a bit paranoid but eventually, I want to live with him but if my mum and sister’s gut feeling say he’s bad news, I’m trying so hard to believe them. I told my mum she’s too judgemental about my relationship but I kinda feel maybe I’m not listening to her. Maybe I don’t want to hear the truth. I’m a little bit scared that when I eventually move in with him, he’d want me to cook breakfast, lunch and dinner. I’m not much of a cook myself. And the fact he’s very militant and aggresive means he might be abusive. We always have small arguments about something small, difference in opinions on general topics e.g. work, home life etc.
The only reason we’re not living together is because I live with my sister. She’s dependent on me as I heard more than her. She only earns minimum wage. She said she didn’t mind selling our flat, split the money and we’ll live separate ways and I move in with him but she told me, my mum and her are worried about us living together.
I don’t know.
Frankie
Sorry, my english grammar isn’t so good. I’ve been typing on my phone. That’s why there’s spelling and grammar mistakes.
Newbie
How on the world can we know what you should do? Do we have to base it on the fact that he is Nigerian, because he has no car, he now has to suddenly cook for himself or because you told your friends he is agressive. Or that he is your bf for 2 years already and stayed your bf even when your family dont like him. So even if i would say the fact he is agressive is a red flag to me, would you listen to me? Since your mom already told you that for 2 years now.
Maybe you should try harder to find out if you two are really compatible and to what extend he is agressive. What does that even mean on this case? Because wit the weird examples you are given it could vary between he drives dangerous or he beats people upFrankie
@Newbie
Wow, I’m new here and I’m already attacked. I’m confused and need advice. This is my first ever relationship and I don’t know what to do because it’s something new to me.
The fact you’re saying he’s Nigerian has nothing to do with his behaviour, I know a lot of Nigerian guys who are loving. It’s not about race.
I wanted to tell my friends because I don’t know how to deal with aggressive guys as I’ve never had a relationship before. I wanted their advice. My mum and sister are telling me he relies on me too much because he asks me to drive him around places when he can use public transport.
I’m a little bit upset that you’re saying that my examples are weird. I don’t think they are since it’s hard to just let him know I don’t like the way he speaks to me. I know he’ll take it the wrong way. Since I’m not expereinced in communicating with men and this is my first serious relationship, it’s hard for me to say how I feel. There’s nothing wrong with that.
It’s not my fault that I’m not experienced with men, I’m just exploring, trying to figure out how men think and search for red flags.
Newbie
Maybe my tone was a bit agressive but youre the one having a 2 year relationship with this man.
So: i didnt say it has to be about the fact he is nigerian, i was high lightning you made a point of that.
Then: you say he is agressive but you dont give any details so i guess its not big of a deal? Still you give no clues: you dont like how he talks to you. That can mean many things to: he raises his voice (yellow flag) to he calls you a big stupid c*nt (deep red flag, get out now).
The weird examples are: he says now i have to make breakfast, lunch and dinner myself, something about your mom being a chef showing her cooking. You conclude from that he wants you to be a house wife. Why dont you ask him what he means.
Im sorry its your first post. But really if after 2 years you have no clue in what kind of Relationship you are in, we really wont be able to help. At least i am not. In 2 yeatrs you get to know a guy well enough to know if he is:
– a good partner
– a potential good father
– a provider
– a loyal and commited lover
– your best friendIf he is
– demeaning
– taking advantage of you
– being agressive emotional verbal or fysical
– not taking you serious
– not spending quality time with you and letting you in his mind and heart
Get outRaven
If being Nigerian has nothing to do with this problem, why did you even mention it?!
Frankie
@Raven,
I’m just letting you know where he’s from.
Newbie
Well if thats your pic, you look dam cute. So combined with the fact you have a good job, your own flat and a car, i would say you can get any man you want. So no rush for hasty choices
Lizzie
Hi Frankie,
From what you’ve written, you sound uncertain. Mainly because of what your family have said. It’s understandable you’d be concerned.
You say he’s very militant and aggresive – the question you should be asking yourself is if that is what’s right for you. However, if you’re concerned he might be abusive, that’s where you need to draw a line before moving in with him.
My advice would be to get to know him better before making the decision to move in together. A bit more time will hopefully tell you whether this is right for you.
Stay safe.
Frankie
Thank you for your replies. Since this is my first ever relationship, it’s really hard for me judge how and what men think. My lack of experience really. The only reason I asked is because my dad was aggressive when he dated my mum, it turned out that he became verbally abusive. So, no father figure/role model growing up unfortunately.
Newbie
Ok so let me put it differently then: if you dont want to fall in the trap of dating an aggresive man then dont date a man you already consider agressive. Its really that simple. There are tons of zero aggresive men willing to date you. Wont you rather pick one of them then?
Newbie
And if you dont trust your instincts, ask your mom with very specific examples on how she views it. So not that vague, but 100% facts on what he did and said
Jo
How does his aggression manifest itself? It worries me that you don’t like the way he speaks to you but feel unable to discuss it with him. How exactly does he speak to you? Are you scared of how he’ll react if you try to talk to him about it? You sound a bit afraid of him.
Frankie
It’s not that I’m afraid it’s just because in the past, if I was honest with him and tell him how I feel he doesnt regard my feelings then we’ll start arguing again. I just dont want to argue anymore.
Jo
Well that sounds like a showstopper to me regardless of whether he is aggressive. Do you really think you could be happy with someone who doesn’t care about you feelings?
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