Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Any advice on what to do next & how to move on? Left for an ex.
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 2 years, 7 months ago by
RaeRar(OP).
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RaeRar
Im 27, he’s 30.
A little background: was seeing this guy for 4 months. We took off and everything was GREAT. He was previously with his ex for 8 years and they shared 3 children together. They had been broken up for almost a year but stayed living together until November.
He was already dating before he met me but we instantly connected. From what I hear, him and his ex did not work and he dumped her. He told me she had no interests/hobbies and they weren’t compatible – they had a kid early and decided to try to make it work and eventually start a family but they never could.
He loved that I was ambitious, had many hobbies, and we shared many interests. He said he’s never had a girl he could play video games with, he loved my body (I worked out and his ex was overweight idc just an observation), and that I always had so much to talk about and was on another level than her intellectually, he also had very vanilla sex with her and our sex was amazing and wild. We’ve done things they have never done. He even remarked at one point that his father told him to be careful about how and when I meet the ex because she would see me and get petty about the kids. She wasn’t there for him when he was going through depression and I was. He said I was so genuine. I think he was probably not over him but obviously there was more potential for us and they seemed like a dead end (besides the kids).
We talked about a future.
I met his family, his friends, but then once she finally let him have the kids more… he started being distant and eventually left me. He was very vague about why but from his wording, (unresolved, confusing timing) it seems like he’s getting back with his ex. He won’t return my texts but now watches my Instagram stories as soon as he wakes up… something he’s never done before and even posted about something he knows I enjoy.
Has anybody been in this situation? I’m just so hurt and can’t figure out what to do. I know I should move on but HOW. I’m still waiting for him to return my things.Elvira
Ok so the first thing I see is a huge comparison going on here between you and the ex. Not sure if this is stuff you put together from observing or stuff he told you. Either way both scenarios are wrong.
If he was constantly comparing or talking about the ex that is a red flag. Its unfortunate that you were in the middle of this but they have a stronger bond than you and he had – not just because of the kids but 8 years together is a long time. Unfortunately you did not develop a strong enough bond for him to stay. Most likely he wasn’t ready to let go of that life, he tried and probably knew he needed some time off from that relationship but decided to work things out.
I know it sucks and I know it hurts but you need to look at it for what it is. They have kids together and unresolved issues, you should be happy to be out of that triangle.
If the items he has are valuable then contact him and say please leave my things in a location I can pick them up by this date. If they are not valuable then let it go. Your best bet is to walk away with your head held up high and stop trying to get answers that may or may not be true. Go with your own judgement and feeling that yes he is back with the ex and it is time to move on. After a few weeks of no contact you will feel better!
Ss
I’m so sorry this happened to you. You were the rebound girl. Never ever date a man who is recently split with an ex and is still living with them. He wasn’t over his relationship with his ex. It doesn’t matter what he said to you in the moment, I’m sure he meant it at the time but you were always going to struggle to compete with the woman he shared 8 years and kids with. The ex can lose weight and try, get some hobbies and be more adventurous in bed so you having those qualities doesn’t make you unique.
I think there is a chance that he will be back if things don’t go well with his reunion with the ex. Don’t go there. Block, delete, concentrate on you, heal and move on. He is trash
SunSuki
Unresolved. Yep, I’ve known a couple of guys who have done this. They think they want out, they get out and start seeing other sides of life but then they miss the kids, family life or realize they had more than they thought with the ex. This is why it’s better to stay away from guys who are not long out of marriages or long term relationships. Block him from your social media and move on. It may not work with her again and you don’t want him thinking he can come back around to you.
Lane
I know you think a year out of a relationship is enough but it wasn’t close. They say it takes about a year for every 5 years but his journey didn’t really start until he moved out and had time alone to grieve, think, and reflect on HIS FAULTS and FAILINGS. Men take much longer than woman to go through this process because they try to “fill the void” with other women instead of taking time to grieve, reflect, and take responsibility for their part and role in the breakdown. When they continue to shift the blame on the ex, and take no blame, then you know they aren’t close to being ready.
He hadn’t been apart from her long enough to know what he really wanted. The fact he was constantly comparing you, to her, was a major flag because a man who has reached the level of “indifference” where he neither loves nor harbors negative feelings about the ex, and rarely has thoughts or talks about her because he has had enough time to fully detach. The detachment process takes much longer when they not only have a lot of history, but have kids together, which is why I REFUSED to date any man who not only had young kids but was freshly out a long-term relationship/marriage (under two to three years) as they are looking to “fill the void” and sadly, you were the one he filled the void with until he started to finally “process” his feelings v. stuffing them down/ignoring them, and realized how much he “missed his family” and wasn’t fully ready to let them go.
This is a teaching moment for you. Never involve yourself in these situations as you are in a very high risk category, known as “rebound territory” when dating these kind of men. Learn this lesson, tread much more carefully, whereas if a man hasn’t fully detached from the ex, and reached the stage of “indifference” (the ink has been dry for a long time) you RUN. Unfortunately there is no magic pill, or potion that heals heartbreak. You have to suffer through it, and learn the lessons from them or you will keep falling in love with the wrong men.
Don’t think about getting him back. Think of all the “red flags” you ignored, get angry with yourself, and learn the hard lessons from this experience so you can protect your heart in the future.
Liz Lemon
Ditto to what the other ladies have said. Sadly, you were a rebound, all the signs were there. The constant comparisons to his ex (Lane is dead on– if he were over her, she wold not be on his mind and he would not constantly be comparing you to her), and the fact that he was barely out of his 8-year relationship. No matter what he says, a man needs time to detach, process, and heal from a failed marriage/relationship. In the case of an 8 year relationship (with kids too), he probably needs a couple of years at least to fully be over it.
You dated 4 months and already met his family, friends, you were talking about a future….he clearly was rushing things and living a fantasy. Four months is way too soon for that kind of involvement. You should not be talking about a future after 3-4 months of dating, you barely know the person! That just proves even more that you were a fantasy escape, a rebound, a distraction, something to fill the void — until he woke up and realized he wanted his old life back.
Block him on Instagram so he can’t watch your stories. It sucks, but just do your best to put it behind you and move. Under no circumstances should you consider taking him back should he reach out again in the future. He’ll just use you like a yo-yo, bouncing back and forth between you and his ex….just let him go completely.
RaeRar(OP)
Wow you ladies are all so right. I never realized I was the rebound. All the lovebombing makes sense now. It definitely sucks. We got along so well, I even got along well with the family! Ugh! Best sex I ever had too. Hate that for me. I don’t know how I’ll go about learning to trust again, but I’m not going to stop being my genuine self because of some jerk. I have a few men who have been wanting to date me but I’m definitely going to take some time to myself. Can’t stop crying. :/
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