Am i wrong to feel disrespected by her?

Deb, you are flat out wrong as not ALL men or women believe this way because they are fully secure in themselves and/or relationship.

Both men and women can have ‘opposite sex friends’ stay with them without any broohaha (drama). My current partner has a lot of friends, both male and female, that he has known for many years that he has rented rooms to or allowed them to stay with him from time-to-time while we were together. I’ve met them, and I had zero worry or concern because trust me, if he wanted to be with them, then he would be with them, not me, as they lived a heck of a lot closer! I too have rented a room to males (and females) while we’ve been together, and he’s had no qualm or issue with it. That’s how trust is built in a relationship.

When I was married, my ex and I had many friends, both male and female, visit and stay with us over the course of our 20+ year [military] marriage. My husband was far more jealous than I was, especially when he was deployed, to the point it caused unnecessary friction between us because of it. I almost left him over it where I told him “If you don’t trust me, then there is no us because without trust we have nothing.”

Jealousy is a sign of one’s deeper insecurities. I understood where his was coming from, as his first wife cheated on him, while he was TDY, with his best friend but I refused to be punished for it He either needed to let it go, and trust me fully, or I was going to go. He learned to let it go, whereas neither one of us cheated on the other our entire marriage because we made a pact not to do so, early in our relationship, and both held up our end of that agreement.

You can put up with some insecurities, for a bit, but after awhile it gets super old if they are unable to tackle their own demons or personal issues, and learn how to build trust v. tear it down.

Hi Angel,

I have never had a situation where I had a boyfriend who had a female childhood best friend before, but when I read your problem, I imagined myself with my two female best friends. I don’t think she’s threatened that you’re with him, she’s threatened because once you’re married, she might lose him to you and that your fiance might spend more time with you.

I had this experience with my female best friend. When she dated her husband, I wouldn’t see her for 6 months, especially when she had her first child. We went to the gym 3x a week, then she decided to go to the gym with him cos his gym offered a discount for couples. I felt like he was taking her away from me, but in reality, he just wanted to spend time with her. I was jealous because she was spending more time with him, and it was my insecurities. I think that’s the reason why she didn’t want to impose on your time with him. I wouldn’t want to hang out with my best friend if she was with her boyfriend, I would feel like the third wheel. Best friends are always the third wheel. She needed a shoulder to cry on, and he was the one she needed. My best friend visited me when I was going through a lot, it didn’t matter to her husband cos we were both girls. Just think for a second, imagine that she was a guy friend of his, would you get jealous then? But cos she’s a girl, you would out of insecurities.

I think slowly, tell him, “I would love it if you schedule your time with me and her alone”, and create boundaries, Fridays you spend time with her and Saturdays you spend time with me. If nothing is going on, then she has no reason to be jealous cos he’d be scheduling his time with her too…unless she wants him romantically. Then, when you’re more comfortable with each other, tell him, you’d like to get to know her a little better. Then, maybe, when things get comfier, tell her you’d like to get to know her better.

It seems he’s been honest with you from the start except for the plane ticket, but like one poster said, next time tell me when you’re having friends over, and he did apologize after, he’s human after all, and he didn’t think you’d get upset over it. It’s good he created boundaries with his relationship with you and her. If he was defensive about the whole situation, I would be worried, but he has been honest with you and considered your feelings in all of this. He is a keeper, and you’re lucky to be his wife. Just try to take things slow and be nice to him and her, otherwise, he will get defensive.

Hope this helps

Jess