Am i wrong to feel disrespected by her?


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  • #851169 Reply
    Angel

    My fiancé has a childhood friend who he considers a close family friend in a small neighborhood he grew up in. To give you background on my fiancé I trust him with everything he has never given me any reason to not trust him EVER. He may be naïve sometimes but he is a great man. Her on the other hand lets call her Jenny. I’ve always had a feeling she never liked me, mainly because I’m with him. Because I never given her any reason to not like me in the couple times I’ve been around her.

    To start my story off. My fiancé and I are long distance he is in military. I took off a month to go visit him. The day before I was leaving he gets a text from Jenny. I ask him what she wanted. He told me she was just telling him she booked her flight to come see him next month and she is staying with him in his house for the weekend that she will be here. I didn’t know anything about this and they have been talking about her possibly visiting for a week. He told me he agreed because he felt bad she seemed like she needed a escape from a bad situation she was in with her mother. He offer for her to fly up while I’m there but she declined and her excuse was she didn’t want to impose on my time with him. He paid half of her plane ticketed. I was so upset with him because I couldn’t believe he didn’t see anything wrong with that. But to him she was like sister he never saw her in that way so he didn’t see anything wrong with it. He said he forgot to tell me that she was coming and he wasn’t trying to hide anything from me. Once he saw how upset and hurt I was he immediately apologies to me and canceled all plans and created some boundaries with her when it comes to our relationship.

    As upset I was with him because he was still wrong for not communicating with me. I eventually came to the conclusion. That I know this man very well. He is forgetful sometimes he forgets to tell me things or do things. But he would never do or say anything to hurt me. He never hides anything from me and he only has eyes for me. But I don’t know her, I just have this gut feeling that she knew what she was doing. I think she is jealous of the relationship I have with him mainly because. I feel she likes using him as her backup option for attention when the men she wants don’t want her or disappoint her. She doesn’t like me and she definitely doesnt respect me. When he canceled plans with her she wasn’t even willing to talk to me (she has my number) about rescheduling her flight the next time I am there, she wasn’t interested. She never apologize to me she apologized to him. I don’t trust her because to me she overstepped some huge boundaries and in the end she didn’t care how it made me feel. I don’t see her as threat to our relationship but I still have to deal with her. Because she is a close family friend of his. I can’t just tell him to cut her off and I don’t want to do that. But do you think I was right to even feel disrespected by her? Going off of what happen.

    #851186 Reply
    Raven

    Your feelings are your feelings, right or wrong…

    It doesn’t sound like you much like her. Have you tried?
    Since she is an old family friend / like a sister, have you tried to make her feel welcome in your World?

    An Olive Branch & a little smoke up her @ss might help. Maybe you’ll get to know her & gain a new friend…

    #851188 Reply
    Anon

    I think it’s up to him to put up the appropriate boundaries- not you making him. Flying her out is not an appropriate boundary in my opinion. As to whether it’s disrespectful, of course she is being disrespectful. There are women who just need male attention and men don’t mind giving these women the attention they are looking for because men like to “save women” and “feel like the hero”. Something similar happened to me over the holidays and I just decided that the woman is obviously threatened by me- can’t do anything about that so it’s up to my bf to make me the priority. I wish women would support one another- honestly the world and what is thrown at us is hard enough- we don’t need to stab each other in the back.

    #851189 Reply
    Queenie

    I’m a lil bothered by the idea that he just ‘forgot’ to mention her coming to visit. Even when my full-blooded brother comes to visit, I am super stoked, and my partner ALWAYS knew about it from the moment it was an idea. I’m just not sure how one would forget to mention a family member is coming to visit… Especially if he paid for half her ticket! He clearly wanted her to come. As I would do the same for my brother, BUT I’d absolutely discuss it with my partner.
    I don’t think you’re in the wrong to feel disrespected by her, because to me she is very clearly avoiding any contact with you. But personally I’d be a bit more uncomfortable about their dynamic. If she’s his ‘sister’ she should have no issues with talking to you. I talk to my brothers wife all the time, I call her my sister.
    If she’s uncomfortable with you, there’s a reason…
    If she wanted to show she’s just a ‘sister’’, she’d make even a small effort to gain trust… and she hasn’t

    #851191 Reply
    Queenie

    Side note, for years I was a bit apprehensive about my brothers wife (at the time girlfriend), because he’s an extremely talented, intelligent, attractive young doctor. And I’m a bit over protective. But I made an effort to spend time with her, to get to know her, and she reciprocated. At the end of the day all I wanted was for him to be happy, and I realized, so did she. And I love her like my family now.

    #851200 Reply
    Tallspicy

    I think you over reacted and I don’t think she disrespected you and I see why she was frustrated. She is behaving like a friend/sister. There is trust or no trust. Period. She was visiting a friend (not great he was paying)… and a man can cheat anytime anyhow.

    It is reasonable to chat about him paying. She did nothing wrong, he did everything to make it right. He is allowed to have friends that don’t like you as long as they are not actively medaling.

    #851228 Reply
    Angel

    @TallSpicy

    What does she have to be frustrated about? Being told no? You can’t fly 9 states away to visit him after you made these plans behind my back. And to top it all off she clearly only wanted to come if I wasn’t there before I even knew what was going on. If she didn’t have a problem with me she would’ve flew up while I was still there.

    #851231 Reply
    Angel

    @TallSpicy

    I’m gonna have to disagree. Even his actually sister would’ve atleast included me in the conversation.

    #851292 Reply
    Anderson

    So far I’ve read nothing that conclusively proves his sisterly-friend hates or is “disrespecting” you. Just because you two arent bffs doesnt mean there’s a problem. I dont think you’re giving this situation the benefit of the doubt

    Ever put yourself in her shoes? You say you’ve never given her any reason to not like you. But what about now? Because of your disappointment, her plans are cancelled. And you say that’s nothing to be frustrated about…

    It seems like she’s in a lose/lose. Had she scheduled her trip when you were around, she’d probably be the third wheel with you always with your fiance like a bodyguard. Or you would’ve likely been mad at her for stealing your precious time with him. And now that she scheduled the trip after, probably being considerate of not intruding y’alls together time, it’s automatically “behind your back.”

    She’s not obligated to include you in the conversation.

    If I were making plans with my bio-sister, no way in hell am I going to include her husband of a decade in the chat. Even though he’s a solid bloke and perfect for my sis… I would blow a gasket if he ever said that I “needed to include him into the conversation.” And vice versa: my sister never considered any of my exes even though she liked two of them. Was never an issue

    Same goes for splitting the cost, or her using him as a “backup option for attention.” All rather understandable given the kind of relation they grew up with

    There’s nothing wrong with how you’re feeling. Very understandable. Opposite sex friendships can be very tricky, I’ve been in these situations too. But you can express and manage it way better than you are right now. You also might want to ask yourself how insecure you are… especially given you say your bf is very trustworthy and sees her as a sister. Because I’ma be blunt, as of now, to a neutral eye you’d come off as controlling

    #851307 Reply
    Tallspicy

    Anderson explained my perspective perfectly. Your insecurities does not turn her actions into something nefarious.

    I would have been frustrated too. You come off as very controlling and you ruined her plans where she was nice enough to come at a different time to accommodate giving you alone time. That is called being respectful.

    In my opinion, he did nothing wrong (paying is a small caveat to that) she did nothing wrong and you seem jealous for no reason.

    You are not his mother and he can see who he wants. Some women don’t agree with that, but men tire of women who try to control who they see, especially when lifelong sisterly friends.

    Why would she be thrilled to come when you are there, you have proven yourself to be upset and angry at her. I would steer clear of you as well.

    It would be one thing if you owned your insecurity, which honestly sounds totally unfounded in your own head, unless there is more there, but instead you blame her.

    Honey, I am sorry, but I feel uncomfortable with her visit. That is on me… let me talk to her and see if we can find a time that would work for all of us.

    Btw, the whole I trust him, but I don’t trust her thing is your insecurities and is actually not trust. You are lucky your boyfriend did not tell you to shove it for being needy and ridiculous over someone he has known for years, is like a sister and telling him who he can and cannot see. He does not owe you an itinerary of his comings and going’s.

    #851313 Reply
    tammy

    i agree with tallspicey and anderson. i dont think she was being disrespectful. she is his childhood friend so even if he does pay for her ticket or letting her stay over at his place is not a big deal. i have many gud friends who are men. she just wntd to take a break and so leaned in on her friend. whats wrng in that? i think your over reacting and being very controlling. your bf cancelled plans when he realised your not comfy.

    #851326 Reply
    Lane

    I agree with those who believe this is a “you problem”, not a them problem.

    You either trust your fiance’ or you don’t, and it doesn’t sound like you do, or this would be an ‘non-issue.’

    You are clearly jealous of her and their relationship. What you need to remember is he has known her for what it sounds like, a good part of his life, and on top of that, it sounds like their families are very close too, so if you are going to ‘rock the boat’ or make any waves then I suspect you will start causing rifts with his family too who probably thinks of her like ‘a daughter’ as he does ‘a sister.’

    He is a grown man and doesn’t have to tell you every cotton pickin thing! I don’t tell my partner of over 4 years everything I do, see, or talk to; nor do I demand or expect it of him because I don’t have a compelling need to be his mommy—that’s what trust is. We are long-distance too BTW, whereas if you don’t allow your partner the freedom to make adult choices, decisions or spending time with, or use his money (not ours) the way he wishes too; he’s going to eventually start resenting you for it, and that’s the direct pathway to divorce if or when you do get married.

    There’s an old saying “pick your battles very carefully.” If you constantly battle with him, especially over or someone who holds a very important position in his life, you will eventually lose the war. Maybe you should try to let your jealousy go and ‘respect’ their friendship—that would be a good start IMO.

    #851336 Reply
    Elvira

    I have to agree with the others that pointed out your reasons for being jealous of this woman do not add up. From the beginning you state you have no reason to not trust your fiancé that is number one. You don’t trust this woman because from the beginning you have this speculation that she doesn’t like you. Why? What would give you that impression. I have been on the other end of this situation “the friend the GF doesn’t like”. A very close friend of mine whom I have known for many years got involved with a girl. His 1st mistake was telling her that at one point he had a crush on me but nothing ever came out of that, we were young so it was a long time ago. Since the beginning she had it out for me constantly trying to make me feel like an outsider in my own friend/family group. Well they did not allow it and knew very well my relationship with our friend was strictly that friends. I initiated a meetup with her because I also put myself in her shoes being the GF coming in. We had drinks and talked about it and I explained to her my feelings for him were strictly friends and that she had no reason to not like me. Also, if she was planning on sticking around with this group she needed to learn to accept me because they were my family we had known each other for many many years and no woman was going to come in and tear that up. So from that day we both tried and lo and behold now I text her before I text him. We are good friends and have respect for each other! Jealousy is a very ugly thing and something you need to learn to manage if not it will ruin your relationship. So before you start assuming she is trying to come in between you have a conversation with her. Because if she has a relationship with his family then her feelings will be considered before a woman who just came into the picture.

    #851337 Reply
    Anon

    The one thing I have to say is that it is ok not to be ok with opposite sex friendships- that is your prerogative. Not everyone is “cool” with that for whatever reasons as everyone on these sites is at their own unique place in life. As Lane mentions- pick your battles carefully. That, for me, would be a battle I would pick and maybe I’d lose. I really expect loyalty from a guy and as long as he is loyal to me and the relationship, I wouldn’t worry about other friends. However, everyone has different priorities in a relationship so you have to decide if this is worth the fight.

    #851351 Reply
    Debsterism

    Your boyfriend is stupid. There’s not a man on this planet who believes having a single woman at his house overnight that he’s not related to makes sense to his woman. That man has not been created. No matter if she’s a family friend, she’s still a single adult woman who has made no effort to speak to her ,”good buddy’s” girlfriend. That means jealousy and drama are on the horizon.

    Boundaries needed to be put into place because the dynamics of their relationship has to change because of his commitment with you!! They aren’t sandbox playmates anymore. Hopefully he understands now and this won’t come up again.

    #851374 Reply
    Tallspicy

    Debertism, I respectfully disagree, not all women think that having other women sleep over who are friends is a threat to their relationship. THERE ARE MANY WOMEN WHO DON’T CREATE DRAMA and DON’T EXPECT THEIR MEN TO BE MIND READERS. Sorry, but while the poster is entitled to feel as she feels, don’t lump us all in there.

    #851397 Reply
    Angel

    I ruined her plans??? I’m controlling?? Because I expressed concern to the man that agree with me. I can’t make him do anything. I’m confused. I think most of you are failing to remember she would’ve only been here for a weekend. You’re trying to tell me she was uncomfortable with that? Being around me and him for two days. Why? That’s sketchy

    #851398 Reply
    Angel

    I’m sorry being around me for two days. Because she only coming for him.

    #851400 Reply
    Ayden Thimas

    I just happened onto this thread googling for answers, dealing with a similar issue. It’s tough! They are family friends and you feel like asking that to end it crappy. My girlfriend just confessed to kissing her life long friend not long ago and I asked her to stop contact with him all together. I feel almost dirty or wrong for doing it, I communicated that clearly as well. Maybe you could do the same thing, be open with hi 100%, be honest with him 100%….full disclosure, my ultimatum is most likely ending my relationship, but it’s honestly what I needed and I communicated that, I wouldn’t be able to stay happy with myself if I had not. So I guess be honest with yourself too, even if it’s hard!

    #851401 Reply
    Ayden Thimas

    And she sounds scandalous! Absolutely your gut feeling is spot on! Trust it!

    #851402 Reply
    Tallspicy

    Angel, you want us to tell you that you are right. And I will not do that. This guy sounds very accommodating.

    If I had plans with an old family friend and he called me and told me his girlfriend was uncomfortable with it, I would think, but not say….she was crazy and controlling. And I doubt I would want to spend time with her. I would say, nah, forget it, thanks. And I would think… good luck with that, meaning her. Innocent people feel that way. Her perception is you are creating a ton of drama for no damn reason.

    We are not failing to remember Anything and the fact she would only be there a few days only makes it worse for you from my perspective.

    Her thought is… I was going to visit a friend innocently and his girlfriend is freaking out, I will just stay away and let him deal with her, I want nothing to do with this.

    #851403 Reply
    Tallspicy

    Honestly, I don’t know why you did not just say to him: Next time could you let me know when you are having guests for multiple days? Thanks honey.

    And let him keep the weekend with an old friend who will have known him longer than you and might be around if it ends for whatever reason.

    #851470 Reply
    Sophia

    I’ve thought about replying to this for awhile, weighing both your side, his side and (possibly) her side. I probably would have been initially upset, but in no way would I have allowed him to cancel the plans.

    I’ve visited a great friend that I literally grew up with. We were next door neighbors and always over each other’s houses. His family was like my own. When I went to visit I’d crash on the couch.

    One time he visited me and crashed in my spare bedroom. And I was engaged at the time. It was not a problem for my fiancé, who was away on business.

    The thing is, when you grow up with someone you don’t have romantic feelings for them. Kissing him would be like kissing my brother.

    The problem is not with her. The problem is that your fiancé didn’t tell you about it. Why? Was he afraid you’d act jealous and be extremely upset with him – just like you are?

    Remember, she’s not the one that didn’t tell you about the visit. He is. What would have happened if you weren’t aware of the text? Would he just have her visit and “forget” to tell you about it too?

    I think your anger is misplaced here. And honestly, I’m not sure why you got so jealous and upset about it, if you trust him completely. Even if she did harbor romantic feelings for him, he wouldn’t act on it, right?

    You are so negative about her. Her “excuse” may have been the honest reason she didn’t come at the same time. She was thinking of you and your relationship and didn’t want to overlap you.

    She doesn’t owe you (or him) an apology for wanting to see her friend. I’m sorry but I really feel you handled this situation the wrong way, and the repercussions may impact your relationship as time goes by.

    #851503 Reply
    Sandybean

    She was supposed to visit him to get away from a stressful situation. To me this says that she needed her childhood friend to be there for her and to have a relaxing weekend. So, of course she’d do that after your visit. A) because she doesn’t want to intrude on your couple time and B) because she probably wanted to also have some alone time with a friend who’s like a brother. And if you’ve always been that suspicious and defensive about their friendship I don’t blame her if she also just simply doesn’t want to see you because you would make a weekend that should be relaxing more tense.
    This is absolutely a you-problem and has nothing to do with her being inappropriate. Nothing in what you described makes me think there is anything going on there. She was simply trying to lean on a good friend and you managed to make that difficult for her.

    #851505 Reply
    Maddie

    You may want to consider the possibility that she knows you don’t like her and is honestly trying to give you your space. If both you and her need to fly a long distance to see him, and she was also going through some stuff and sees him as a close friend when she needs some support, it makes sense to me that she doesn’t want to impose during your visits with him. AND that she is more comfortable spending time alone working through her issues while hanging out with him. Otherwise, she either will be bothering you (someone she’s not close to) with her drama with her mom and/or she’ll be worrying about feeling uncomfortable that you don’t like her when she’s already feeling down and/or she’ll have to worry about expending the energy to socialize with someone new who she has to try to win over when she’s upset and doesn’t have that energy. Put yourself in her shoes and all those scenarios suck, right?

    There are some cultural issues where sometimes people are totally fine with significant others having close opposite gender old friends, and others aren’t at all and find it culturally unacceptable. I don’t know where you fall in that, and either one is okay *as long as your fiance also knows your perspective and is on board with it.* I personally fall on the side of, it’s fine, she’s not going over there and sharing his bed or walking around without clothes trying to start something up (and if she were then HE would drop her as a friend for violating his boundaries and relationship). So my perspective comes from there.

    I thought about if I’d be angry if this happened with my boyfriend (who is legit forgetful)… and I don’t think I would be. And the reason for this is he wouldn’t have been “hiding” her in the first place, he’d mention her, I’d know she exists and who she is, maybe we’d have met once or twice. So if he forgot to tell me one time that she was visiting (in several weeks, there was notice) when it had zero impact on me or any plans I had with him, then okay. If there’s a sketchy pattern of it happening over and over or I have other red flag reasons not to trust him, then that’s different. Or, I’d be really mad if he purposely “forgot” because he believes I overreact to things and gets passive aggressive and tries to avoid communication instead of being honest with me (which would be a whole different issue, and hopefully isn’t what’s going on here, but I’ve seen those cases as well).

    But anyway, the hypothetical female friend wanting to spend platonic time with my bf also doesn’t mean I’d have hit it off with her and that we should all hang out together and she needs to be my friend too.

    So, you definitely don’t need to be friends with her. I don’t think your distrust is justified based on the facts you’ve got, though, because your fiance did own his mistake and chose respecting YOUR boundaries over seeing her in her time of need. He made it right with you, and frankly his friend is probably freaked out and feels bad about how she imagines you reacted (because it was enough to make him cancel on her) and is scared to reach out to you now or visit while you’re there (how potentially awkward and uncomfortable!). So I’m not sure why you’re expecting anything of her.

    If you really love this guy and want this marriage to work out, you’re going to have to figure out and communicate your boundaries now… in this case, that means what would make it possible for you to tolerate their friendship? That might be “no overnight visits,” it might be “tell me when you have plans with her,” it might even be “let’s all plan more video chats because we’re all apart and I want to get to know her better now.” Whatever it looks like for you to truly accept their friendship, while still knowing and seeing that you rightfully come first for him now and as his wife.

    But if you make him choose or don’t work together well to solve a big problem now, it’s indicative of other underlying issues and will breed resentment. Any time I’ve had a significant other tell me to stop talking to someone (which was RARE, because I gave no reason for distrust), we’d eventually break up and I’d resume a platonic friendship with whoever they felt threatened by as soon as that happened. And I wouldn’t talk to the ex anymore. It was never the reason for the breakup, but was always symptomatic of overall incompatibility.

    I hope you and him can find a happy way to figure it out.

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