am i in the wrong here?


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This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Sophia 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #783149 Reply

    Wanderer

    So I have been with this guy for prolly 7-8 months now. It was a rocky relationship cause I always felt that he would get wishy washy. Anyways it got very good from november and we were in a good place but then after my birthday on Jan 9, he started acting distant. We dont live together but I found out somehow that he is talking to someone. So I got stiff with him.I got really angry and started avoiding him and he finally confronted me about why I was acting this way. I exploded and said to him that I know that he is talking to a girl and I am done with whatever this is. So he told me to calm down and said that the girl likes him and he doesnt and he has nothing to do with her but he also said that you’ve hurt me in many ways and thats why I was always so wishy washy with you because you never respected me. you kept telling me about your past and all these boys hitting you up and I felt disrespected all the time. I am not insecure but I dont like this at all and thats why there was always this friction. I understood his point and apologized and the fight was over.
    But I am still confused. I told him about those boys and everything else because I wanted to be crystal clear with him on everything. I didnt want to hide anything from him so we dont end up in a misunderstanding. Now I feel like he used the situation against me to cover up the fact that I caught him talking to a girl which he never told me about.
    Let me give you a background story though. He has been extremely wishy washy with me in the start. He never admitted that we were in a relationship until recently and claimed that he loves me and took me to his place to meet his parents on my birthday. He never before said those words to me. I always tried to work things out, understood him and was very very patient with him throughout which he himself says too. I really love this person.I have known him since 5 years and I was always in love with him. I waited 5 years to be with him but I sometimes feel that he isnt sincere with me. What do I do? Am I thinking too much? Am I in the wrong here?

    #783156 Reply

    Better off single

    You have no respect for each other is what it looks like.

    He’s trying to justify you hurting him as the excuse to be talking to this other woman.

    Love? Nah. You don’t love each other and it seems like you don’t know each other or really care for each other at all. This wouldn’t be happening.

    You WAITED 5 years? Why did you have to wait?
    You must have the patience of a saint because I won’t wait for any guy no matter how bad I want him. He either wants me or doesn’t. If I have to wait, he obviously doesn’t and is playing games to keep me on the back burner. I wouldn’t put up with that s×it and keep seeing other guys.

    If I were you, I’d start getting distant with him and start the process of moving on. Not to go off and talk to other men, just to get your head in a better place and mentally prepare it for the inevitable ending.

    Any guy who is going to talk to another woman after 7-8 months is checking out and seems he has no interest in keeping it long term let alone wants to be loyal to you.

    #783166 Reply

    Lane

    Not everyone wants to hear about another’s past relationships. Some have this compelling need to talk about it but others don’t; whereas a good point of reference is that if the others isn’t talking about theirs then you don’t talk about yours.

    I will tell you what I do know about men…RESPECT is on their high list of needs and if they feel disrespected they are going to show you by pulling back. Its instinctual, its a man’s way of saying “I feel disrespected by you.” I be he has said something to you about not wanting to hear about your past relationships, you refused to listen (disrespected him), and kept bringing it up at which point he pulled back so he didn’t have to hear it.

    My BF was doing this before we got together and I point blank asked him “are you still in love with her because you sure do talk about her a lot!” That was my way of saying “If you are still so wrapped up in your past relationship then I don’t want to proceed with you any further.” He said he wasn’t and just giving information about his past but that’s not how I want to get to know someone. I want to know their interests, if their words and actions mesh, how they handle problems, how they communicate, etc. Those are the traits and qualities I look for, not stuff that happened in pasts relationships because it didn’t put him good light and was seeing it as a major “red flag” telling me not to proceed because he sucks in relationships and why get into a relationship with someone who sucks in them.

    So what if he’s talking to a girl. Are you so insecure that you can’t allow your BF to talk to the opposite sex? I know men who like me and reach out from time to time, usually starting with “how are you doing, haven’t spoken to you in awhile.” I keep the responses neutral like I would with any “friend” and if they ask if I want to go do something with them I kindly turn them down because that would be disrespectful to my BF. There are a couple I do hang out with but my BF knows them well, that we are just platonic friends, and will even tell me to tell them hi for him lol.

    What I’m trying to say is if that you don’t trust or respect him then this relationship will not work because you don’t have a solid foundation to build off of. I trust my BF because he hasn’t done anything major, at least that I know of, to not trust him over the past three years. If he did I sure as heck wouldn’t wait until I explode, if I have an issue I confront him right there and then, and if there was ever a time he was unable to assure me it was nothing I need to be worried or concerned about, that’s the moment I walk away because I refuse to be in a relationship where there is no trust or respect for the other. I would rather be single and happy over being in a relationship and miserable—don’t have the care nor time for that nonsense!

    in a nutshell, this isn’t a matter of being right or wrong, its that it doesn’t sound like your relationship has ever been on solid ground. If the two of you can’t sit down, communicate calmly like two mature adults and work together, as a team, to find a solution that you can both be happy with, then this relationship is not going to last long.

    #783171 Reply

    Prove it

    Agree with lane no trust. no respect. no relationship.

    #783173 Reply

    alia

    I think you read the situation correctly. He threw it in your face so that you could justify his behavior. The only advice I would have would be to directly confront something instead of “blowing up” days later. But you’re hardly in the wrong here. I wouldn’t make any big moves here and wait for him to take the lead.

    #783190 Reply

    Wanderer

    Thankyou everyone for your feedback.I highly appreciate it. I know I should have confronted him but he would have said the same thing no? I dont have issues with him talking to girls. Its just that I know that this girl likes him and If he cares about me then I expect him to keep distance from her because I do too.It just felt that he was hiding it from me and when he got to know that I know then he used this excuse of disrespect to cover it up.I am not insecure. He has a whooe group of female friends but yes you guys are right If I dont trust him then whats the point. I would always be worrying that he’d cheat.
    I think I need sometime away. I have been obsessing over this relationship for too long and making it work even with his barely there efforts. I guess I am exhausted at this point.

    #783211 Reply

    Danita

    I can only say that every time I made a mistake with a guy, it was when I ignored my instinct.

    #783217 Reply

    Sophia

    “barely there efforts” was all I needed to read. Move on from this guy as he’s moving on from you.

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