Am I dumb to love him? sex related.

Why did you agree to this…

I wouldn’t call it dumb, but I would call it deeply insecure. When a man lays out that he is emotionally unavailable to you but you go along anyway, seeing the potential and hoping you can change his mind, it is actually your choice (even if it doesn’t feel like it on the surface) because you don’t believe you deserve more. I used to believe you couldn’t choose who you fall in love with when I was letting my fears and insecurities steer my dating life. With more life experience, I’ve learned that’s actually not true. You are making the decision to stay attached to someone whether you own it or not. You still choose who you spend time with and engage in interacting with and deepening a connection. It’s usually not a good investment to do that with someone who has stated they want something different than you do.

The good news is, because it’s your decision, you can make the decision to explore your insecurities (and to move on as well), if you so choose. Sticking around for him even though he treated you this way is a symptom, not the cause, of whatever would keep you feeling stuck in a situation that so blatantly doesn’t meet your needs. It hurts, but learning from this and seriously asking yourself why you would tolerate this and if you have relationships patterns like this will help you choose differently in the future instead of getting stuck in the same with the next guy and the next.

Hang in there, it hurts but will get better if you keep him cut off and blocked from your view. It sounds like you’ve been keeping tabs on him over time, but there’s no need to do that because it just gives you more painful information and keeps you a bit stuck.

So, I was involved with a married man. He pursued me and in the beginning it was so fun. He was so attentive, text me every morning before I was even awake. Text me all throughout the day everyday. Call me on his way home, come and see me at least twice a week. After about a month and half, we spent the whole day together and ended up having sex. After that day, the texts dwindled to maybe once a day, then every other day, then once every three days. Then, it was a long time before he came back over to see me. Then it would be once a week texts, then 2 weeks, then 3 weeks. He’s never gone a full 4 weeks without texting me. But, during those times where he “ghosts” me, I try my hardest to get over him. I go through the emotions of sad, depressed, angry then at about week 3 I feel like I’m starting to get over him. The, bam… out of the blue he’ll call me up or text me telling me he misses me and all this stuff. Say he wants to see me, then nothing. Then, maybe a week or so later, he’ll text me and say he’d like to see me and then we’ll see each other and of course end up having sex. I know that I need to let him go and this is so hard. I know it’s wrong in the first place because he is married, but he pursued me hard. I fell for him, then, it’s kind of like he’s a high school boy trying to get in a girls pants, then once he does, he’s done and dont talk to her anymore. Really I feel like it’s like a feather in his cap or something. We’re both 47 years old here. My husband passed a year ago and i was in a very abusive relationship. I was mentally and physically abused. When I started seeing this guy it was so nice, so different from what I’d been through with my husband. I loved the attention this guy gave me and loved how he was so into me. Now, after I’ve fallen for him I sit depressed all the time wondering when I’m going to hear from him again and see him again. I dont text him or chase him I’ve always let him do that. I mean if he texts me I would always respond, but I’ve always tried to not be the first one to text. Even if that means I’m looking at my phone daily and go 3 weeks without hearing from him. I try real hard not to text him up and say “hey havent heard from you in a while”. I’ve done that but only a few times. I make myself not text him and just wait for him to text me. And to be honest I dont want to be the first one reaching out. I would like to know he’s still interested in me so I just wait for him to text me first. This all sounds so childish and high schoolish. I know. I want to give this up and let go of him. I want to stop hoping for him to text and call and want to see me. I want to get over him. But every single time I try to do that after him not texting me for 3 or so weeks, I’ll try hard to get over him. Then, he’ll text me. Then, it’s all over again. This cycle starts all over again. I havent met anyone else. I dont know anyone else. I’m not a person that is going to go to a bar and try to meet someone. But, I do believe that because I haven’t met anyone thats why i cant get over this guy. It’s almost like I’m desperate to take what crumbs he throws out because I dont have anyone else in my life right now. This is so miserable.

Oh what a mess. But mess you created. Look for what makes you tick and why you “love” him. You didn’t even know him that much.
You’re not dumb. You’re not hurting no one but yourself. I now prefer to numb my pain not cause it..