This topic contains 15 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Steven 4 months ago.
November 19, 2018 at 1:04 pm #729623
Ex and I broke up a little while ago, mainly due to LDR, and me being a bit needy.
So, after a really good 45 days of no contact, working really hard on myself
Gym/Job/social life. We had a first meet up today (little dance!!!)
It was only coffee/lunch, but the chemistry was very much there, and he seemed very happy to see me. He also kissed me (another little dance!) Obvs, very early days, but he text me earlier, and said thank you for meeting up.
What do I do now? Obvs carry on with rebuilding my life, and me. But do I text him tomorrow? or do I wait for him to initiate again? I have had a google, but all the info seems to be geared toward the first date, nothing about what to do afterwards :/November 19, 2018 at 1:13 pm #729625
Are you still LDR? Are you still needy?
I wouldn’t do anything, you’re clearly hoping to fall straight back into a relationship, which isn’t usually a good idea when you’ve broken up.November 19, 2018 at 1:34 pm #729627
How long were you two together?November 19, 2018 at 1:40 pm #729628
Yes, still LDR, because of his job, he works away (Mainly Europe) it would always be the case
And no, I am not needy, I have, and am concentrated on my life/family/careerNovember 19, 2018 at 1:50 pm #729631
A year – I am mid 30s/he is early 40s. No cheating or anything bad at all.November 19, 2018 at 2:11 pm #729633
Most guys who want a second date and are looking for a relationship and see you as an option will reach out after a date. If you were receptive to the kiss, thanked him for the date, and were enthusiastic, this is pretty much all a relatively confident guy needs to make his next move.
You should be keeping your options open and doing other things, making other dates.
If it you really feel the need to reach out, it’s a one and done thing for me. If they don’t step up, just let it die out.November 19, 2018 at 2:32 pm #729634
One thing mentioned from another poster is to realize that this relationship you have with your ex is a completely different relationship than previous. You won’t and should not jump back into the same relationship. A lot has to change for things to work out the 2nd time around.November 19, 2018 at 9:40 pm #729661
I see no need for any dance or games. He’s an ex you might try getting back together with. It’s not complicated and you shouldn’t be treating him like some new guy you had a first date with. I don’t understand how you can meet up with him and not have discussed the relationship and whether or not you want to attempt this again. That would be the logical discussion. His kiss doesn’t mean anything.
I would just call him and ask what his thoughts are after meeting up. Otherwise you are just wasting time and emotions.
However, if things haven’t really changed, and the distance is always there, I’m not sure why you would want to jump back into a situation that wasn’t working for you the first time.November 19, 2018 at 11:00 pm #729662
I GET all of this advice to date local guys.. I really do..
But I just bet the OP knows the generic “Better to date local guys, men don’t do well in LDR’s..” She obviously is thinking about perhaps taking a chance. But I DO agree, let him be the pursuer for the most part and DO have a conversation with him.
If the OP has met anyone better local I am sure she would take that man up on a great offer.
But she obviously likes THIS man, so the generic advice about dating local guys… She would if she could find one she likes a lot. Sometimes let people take a chance if they have a good sense of what they are up against. We on this forum don’t ALWAYS know how it will play out. If someone is willing to possibly be hurt.. Sometimes it is better to take a chance I think.
But I truly do believe you need to come up with a plan to eventually close the distance for it to work long term.November 20, 2018 at 3:02 am #729667
TBH, I do not have an issue with LDR, and yes, I like this guy. I have dated a few local guys – but not found one I like.
If guys dont like LDR, what do forces/travelling sporty types do?November 20, 2018 at 8:27 am #729675
“If guys dont like LDR, what do forces/travelling sporty types do?”
A lot of those guys are very non-committal and simply don’t pursue relationships. I have a guy I talk to and he travels constantly for work. Let’s just say he has a lot of women that he talks to, is single, and makes it clear he is not looking for a relationship. He does plan to settle down when his job winds down.November 20, 2018 at 9:46 am #729681
I’m with Kathy as its really up to the COUPLE to decide if its workable for them or not. My marriage of 20 years was quasi-LDR as he was in the military and deployed for months at a time (longest 9 months) plus TDY in-between lasting a couple days to a few weeks and I adapted to it just like many other spouses did—some could hack it but some could not.
My current LDR works for us because I can be super busy, overwhelmed at times running my business and don’t have the TIME to devote to a full-on relationship. My BF goes out to sea for three months at a time and picks up temporary work lasting a couple weeks to a month during his three months off where neither of us have been successful dating local people due to our jobs. I actually prefer an LDR over a day-to-day as I need a lot of space (alone time) so I get the best of both worlds—a man I love spending time with and time to myself too :o)
You said the reason it ended was because of your “neediness.” Exactly HOW were you needy? How often did you see each other? Its human nature to NEED your partner, especially if the distance has been longer than normal or something’s going on in your life and need a rock (partner) to lean on in difficult times. You also said you were OK with the distance but it doesn’t sound like you are and possibly settling because you obviously love him but he’s not able to meet your wants or needs in a relationship. I do agree that you have to ‘close the gap’ at some point where the distance shouldn’t exceed the bulk of your relationship if you intend to build a future together. Did he even want that with you?
You can’t jump back into something if the issues or problems that led to the breakup are still there. What were the specific reasons for the breakup? If those reasons can’t be resolved then it will just end up in another breakup if the TWO (key word) of you can’t work or figure them out if you attempt to try again. Just know that ‘do overs’ have an abysmal success rate (less than 20%) because the issues/problems that resulted in the break up can’t be fully resolved.November 20, 2018 at 10:30 am #729685
It’s the Lane show again. She prefers LDR but just finished bragging how her man was moving closer to her. Ummm lady doth protest too much or what? Boy is this guy going to be disappointed when he can’t run out to sea for half the year at a time.November 20, 2018 at 11:08 am #729689
Pam, I am SPEAKING TO THE OP, who is having difficulty in an LDR of which I have personal experience with and trying to HELP HER. Why don’t you respond to the OP and provide some enlightening or constructive advice instead of creating constant drama on this forum?
OP, ignore the trolls as they get off on hijacking posts like yours not to help women but because they are mean, angry, bitter and hateful people who have nothing to do but bully and bash those who’s only purpose here is to actually help women like yourself.November 20, 2018 at 11:41 am #729691
I agree with what other said and no lane. Men who really want to be with a woman don’t do LDR well. Those who could care less if they see the person but every six months are happy without you and it will be much harder if you ever do come together because you are virtual strangers. This is why couples who are married 30 years break up. As an example. Husband’s work requires constant travel and he is rarely home. Wife works and has her own routine without him at home. Husband retired and they hate each other. They hate being together because the only reason they survived was because they didn’t spend that much time together. Lane thinks I’m picking on her. I’m being real. When you only spend time with a man a handful of times a year it’s always going to be fun and great. That’s cause it isn’t real life. Everytime you meet it’s like Christmas. She insists she prefers to not have the guy around. That she prefers being alone. She isn’t successful dating men close by because she doesn’t want someone around all the time as she is too busy and doesn’t want the bother. The man in this case obviously is ok having sex with a woman a couple times a year. Let’s see how great this plays out of they ever bring their lives together. My point is stronger than Lane wants to admit or give me credit for. That’s my advice to OP.March 19, 2019 at 1:48 am #743324
Agree this is difficult. I was in 6 month LDR with girlfriend which broke up 6 weeks ago because I became too needy. Both in 50s. Went into low contact and ended up on great date last weekend which escalated to sex. She made some comments about she was not looking for relationship but then gave me a token “relationship” ring to think of her. Meeting again next weekend but no contact since first date. Should I text her or just wait until next weekend.