Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Advice after a series of casual relationships
- This topic has 10 replies and was last updated 1 year, 9 months ago by
Jessica.
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A
I’m 35, divorced and alone with my dog. I have been divorced for 5 years now. I am a RN and take care of myself. I’m very independent. However, when I get into a relationship I start acting desperate, needy and clingy. I do not know why I do this because I’m perfectly fine being on my own when I’m not dating anyone.
Background: Dad left me when I was 3, mom has always told me/acted like I have not been good enough and critiqued my looks/personality all my life. I am an only child.
Since my divorce I have been in a string of casual relationships with men who only really want sex, and I’m constantly second choice. I so desperately want to be the first choice. But, I don’t know how to be first choice. Am I too available? Too needy? I don’t know. I always make men my priority and I’m their option. I do think I am pretty, smart, successful and have a good personality. I don’t have an issue getting men. I have an issue keeping them.
I want to get married again, have a family, be the person I’ve always wanted to be. I want men to see me as their prize. I want all these things so desperately. I am willing to work on myself and change. I’ve done some research and it seems like women who make men a priority too early on do not love and prioritize themselves. Once you love yourself and put yourself first, you will start being a man’s priority.
I am asking for any relationship or self esteem books that would benefit my situation. I’ve already read attached and why men love bitches.
Thank you!
Raven
Don’t settle for these crappy guys…
You don’t need a man to be the person you’ve always wanted to be…
Tallspicy
Get yourself into therapy to learn to be your own first choice. You will never be chosen in a way that works until you choose yourself. Even when no one is choosing you.
Rubi
Because you so want something to work out with a man that you don’t let them lead. You are subconsciously forcing them into being with you and if the men feels that it wasn’t THEIR idea they will run.
When you meet guys, you must think of yourself as the prize to BE the prize. It is not the same as being full of yourself and overconfident. It’s about showing who you are, what you seek, and what kind of boundaries you have.
Check out these youtube channels:
1. Greta Bereisaite
2. Alex Cormont-The Frenchrelationship expert.
3. Elliot Scott
4. Kev Hick
5. Stephan Speaks
6. Love Advice Tv
7. Helena HartPretty sure you will receive something from them that’s going to make you a bit wiser on your situation. Go binge watch.
Maddie
You may have some abandonment fears from how your childhood went and then your mom always telling you you weren’t good enough. That can result in longing and chasing men who aren’t really emotionally available because you’re trying to fix some of those past dynamics, but instead you just end up repeating them. If you read Attached already then you might see that you lean to anxious attachment in relationships (or possibly even fearful avoidant, which the book doesn’t cover well). In addition to the suggestions listed, try watching some of Thais Gibson’s free videos on those two attachment styles, and do consider speaking to a therapist if you haven’t already. Your issues are not uncommon, which means there are documented ways to heal them that already exist out there, but it can be tough to do all on your own. It may be a cliche, but the change really does come from within, and usually finding better relationships happens organically after you start confronting and healing your past. When you learn to trust yourself, which takes a lot of practice (and a good therapist can only help with this), then you stop accepting men who are willing to treat you as an option.
Agree with Raven and Tallspicy, too.
A
Thanks for the advice!
I want to point out that I do not pursue guys though. They do 100% of the initiating and pursuing. I let them lead. But when I start to show interest back, they back away. It’s like it’s all about the game with them, and when they know they “have me” or I start to reciprocate feelings, they realize they didn’t like me as much as they thought they did. I don’t get it…
Tallspicy
Leading and showing interest are not the same things. You can show interest and not lead. Tell him you are having a nice time, touch his arm casually, thank him profusely…. All is showing interest. Leading is doing the heavy lifting of making plans and initiating more than 25% ish to a man who is not stepping up or being consistent.
Maddie
You don’t need to be literally chasing to “chase”. This just naturally happens when you’re choosing unavailable men (especially if they are avoidant). It inevitably feels like they need to be chased to keep them around. You’re never on stable footing for long. Whether or not you actually initiate or chase, it still feels like you’re spinning your wheels and not getting anywhere. And it’s not you, but it is related to who you are choosing and their own baggage (I say this as someone who could inadvertently choose the most emotionally unavailable guy in the room every single time, sometimes without even speaking to them first!, yet I was never aware of it). There’s some powerful but subconscious dynamics at play. Take a look at what those videos have to say.
There is hope for what you want because these are issues that can be solved within yourself. And when that happens, you’ll stop attracting and being attracted to men who are pursuing a challenge instead of an actual person. Those are the guys who flake out as soon as you show interest. It’s doable, though not easy because you need to go deep enough within yourself to straighten it out. Walking away from the men you haven’t known long who 180 on you is step one, though. It may seem like it’s every guy you meet, but there are others out there who won’t be this way. You may not notice them until you’re ready within yourself, though, and you’ve started to really trust yourself. Then it will seem like you’re suddenly meeting men who want to build good connections with you.
A
Maddie – My attachment style is 100% fearful avoidant. You nailed it. I want intimacy but fear rejection so much that I end up isolating people first out of a fear they will reject me eventually. I crave love and stability but at the same time feel like I’m unlovable. This is why I don’t chase men. I’m too scared of rejection. But if they don’t chase me, it makes me highly anxious. Thank you for your help. You gave me very good advice.
A
Also if I see a parter pulling back or not texting/calling me as much I end up ending things because I feel like “well he doesn’t love me anymore, so he’ll eventually leave, and I hate rejection so I’m going to leave him first.” When in reality, that’s not the case at all.
Jessica
Read the book, “Men don’t love women like you” by G.L. Lambert. Some hard truths in it, but really helpful.
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