Why is my boyfriend trying to make me jealous.

Hi Lana. Yes, being in your late 20’s matters because that dialogue seems immature, just like you said. I agree with you. And I agree with you that what your boyfriend did is just wrong. You are his girlfriend and you deserve more respect than that. You have the right to be irritated. But I think his mentioning the “white girl” is part a much broader, sociological issue. You might not care or agree, but since you and him made race a big part of your text conversation, I hope I can give you some insight to help relieve your confusion and maybe help you understand where your boyfriend is coming from.

Since your boyfriend mentioned that girl’s race as being white, it’s logical to guess that he is not white. His bringing up her race in the first place is significant. His statement that this “white girl” gave him attention, possibly interest in him, reveals his subconscious feeling of being validated. There are some non white men and women in this world that feel more attractive and more socially valuable if a white person finds them attractive and acceptable. For instance, I knew a non white girl that was determined to marry a white man, ONLY a white man, because she felt a white man’s acceptance proved to the world and to herself that she had social value, and maybe more social value than her girlfriends of the same race. She overlooked all the men of her own race that were educated, had solid careers, and were good looking to marry a white man that had no motivation, no college education and no job and is younger than her. His only value to her was that he’s white. There are many more examples of this psychological issue besides this girl.

Regardless of race, everyone feels validated if someone finds them attractive. A “white girl” finding him attractive was significant enough an event for him that he just had to contact you to tell you about it. I hope my explanation of this sensitive issue can help you understand why your boyfriend might have had subconscious motives, besides immaturity, to tell you that a “white girl” showed interest in him. He might have felt the immature need to prove his value to you.

Who knows if this “white ghettoish girl” was just being silly or “ghettoish” or had no interest in your boyfriend. Saying you like someone’s shirt is not always a come-on. The situation seems silly and that’s why you’re irritated. I validate your feelings because you have the right to your feelings, and I hope you can understand the deeper, psychological underpinnings which are not silly. And maybe that’s why you felt the need to ask for help and insight on this forum. I wouldn’t blame your boyfriend for feeling validated by a “white girl.” I’d only blame him for being insecure and immature to bring it up to you, his girlfriend. You deserve his respect. Good luck when he brings it up tonight.

It just sounds like a really immature way of trying to get your attention and prove he’s worthy of your attraction and love. I would just be very upfront (in a gentle, non-confrontational way) about the fact that this is totally unnecessary. Personally I think if a guy says something to you about another girl, it’s almost NEVER about her …..it’s testing your reaction to see if you care. He sounds insecure about your level of attraction and interest in him, so I would focus the conversation on addressing THAT…..tell him how much you find him worthy of attention and how lucky you are to be with him, but also be honest about the fact that this isn’t the best strategy for getting the love and attention he wants.

Yes exactly. When I once pulled something like this (and I was TOTALLY fishing for compliments, validation, etc), my bf said, “I like you, but this is unworthy of you.” He didn’t punish me or get angry or tell me off, he just very calmly gave me the reassurance I was looking for AND made it clear that he wouldn’t put up with this behavior. If you get mad, you’ll give him the reaction he’s looking for and it will only motivate him to keep doing it because he sees that at least it makes you pay attention to him. If you stay calm but clearly express your boundaries, I bet he will snap out of it pretty quick.

That’s a great point. Just stay calm, neutral, and curious – let him open up without getting defensive, because this way he can take a good look at his own behavior and is way more likely to change it. If you call him out in an angry or accusatory way he will just feel like he has to justify himself out of pride, whereas if you bring it up in a neutral way he will recognize what he is doing, get embarrassed, not want to be that person any more and apologize.

Lana, if he was truly into this girl, he wouldn’t be going around telling you about it. The more you can see this as all about his insecurities and him needing you to see him as attractive and interesting, the easier it will be to handle this in a calm way. That random girl is not a threat (and it’s totally possible he made half of it up) but his behavior needs to change because it reeks of insecurity and immaturity rather than confidence and love.

Also…..when I had an incident like this (actually I was being even more perverse and encouraging my bf to date this girl I was terrified he liked more than me, and I kept pushing him to do it……sooooo stupid all around) my bf’s calm, neutral reaction was one of THE moments I fell in love with him. It really startled me into realizing what an incredible guy he is, and the fact that he wouldn’t tolerate crappy behavior, but brought it up in a completely neutral and non-judgmental way, made me shape up FAST. Because I knew he was amazing AND he had the power to walk away at any time if the relationship wasn’t working for him or I wasn’t behaving like a decent human being. Up til that point I sort of thought he was so in love with me that I could do no wrong but that moment really stayed with me and STILL keeps me on my toes to be aware of my behavior and be a better person.

If you handle this right, I think you will see a big change in his attitude and behavior…..not just regarding this incident, but overall…..you remaining calm and grounded is a huge motivation for him to step up (or at least it was for me)

I think just saying “hey, what was up with that” with a smile that subtly lets him know he was acting ridiculous is a good opening…..or whatever feels right for you. I think getting your thoughts out here is an AWESOME way to clear your head and you can basically communicate what you’ve said here. It DOES take discipline to stay grounded and calm and mature when he says triggering/irritating/ridiculous things, but the more you can see this behavior for what it is (just like a toddler acting out to get attention), the more you can rise above it and inspire him to step up and meet you at your mature level rather than getting sucked into the drama he’s trying to start which won’t go anywhere good. I think what you said about recognizing that other people are attractive BUT being respectful of each other as partners is super clear and worth saying as well (but in a gentle, firm, non-accusatory way). Even something like ” it feels like you’re trying to get a rise out of me when you say that, and that doesn’t feel good, that’s not what I want our relationship to be about.” IF you can also comment on how much you respect and admire the fact that he hasn’t done this before (and that this seemed really out of character), you can use positive motivation to give him a way to win and do the right thing rather than pushing him into a corner when he’s wrong. If you can say “hey, one thing I really love about our relationship is that even when other people hit on us/are attractive, we still maintain our respect for each other as partners” that gives him a standard of behavior to live up to and makes him WANT to be the awesome boyfriend that deserves you.

I wouldn’t dwell too much on your emotional reactions to it ….vent it all here! Then have a conversation that clearly and calmly articulates what works for you in this relationship (ie appreciate him for all the times he’s done it right as motivation for him to be that guy rather than the insecure little boy he was today), and just mention that his text was a bit out of character and a bit of a turnoff. Say his RESPECT for you is a huge turn-on and give him positive examples of the behavior from him that you love. Be cool and calm about it and give him some space to absorb it all and I bet he not only shapes up but also genuinely apologizes ( without you even having to ask).

Just some ideas…..you seem to have all the right instincts though and you know him and your relationship better than anyone…..what’s your sense of what would work best??

Maisie, I had totally skipped over the message before I replied the last time. I totally agree that if he was actually interested he wouldn’t be telling me all about her. Which is probably why I am not at all jealous. I don’t feel threatened nor do I feel like being dramatic about it, it’s too draining anyways lol.

In regards to your last message and to Kate, I won’t get to see him tonight after all because he has got to work uber early tomorrow (at 4 a.m.) so he’s got to go home and rest. He will, however, call me tonight. I don’t know ladies, I almost think if I bring it up then I am proving it bothered me and he will only see is as I really got jealous instead of seeing that he was immature. Now if he brings it up (I’m actually thinking he won’t since it didn’t bother me and it didn’t get any reaction from me) I’m thinking of saying something like “you’re right, it is kinda random that you tell me all of this stuff, I mean of course you’re hot silly so why does it shock you that someone notices’ it? And most importantly why come tell me about it, it doesn’t make me jealous in the bit, it actually just reassures me how good we must look together!”

Now this isn’t something I would typically say but I want to remind him of what he already has. Does that make me sound conceded? I think its playful, clear that it won’t work, and still reminds him that he doesn’t need to feel unattractive while I remind him that another girl doesn’t feel like competition to me. IDK thats kinda a stretch for my personality but I’m also not willing to make this any bigger.. Do I bring it up even if he doesn’t or should I wait for another occasion (if he doesn’t say anything) where things seem more calm and where he wouldn’t take it as fighting words..

I agree with maisie, humor and understanding go a long way.

I one time saw my guy come in to work, he did not know I saw him. I texted him “nice shirt, sweet ass, LOVE those jeans”
his response. ” U want to get me a rock star”
the thought that went through my mind ????? WTF ????? Do I want to get you a rock star? OK sure why not.
the thing is I was not wanting a complement back. it really was just a random text to make his day a little brighter. I like knowing I can make him smile, that’s the reward I was looking for and maybe a thanks.
so maybe the random text, was just a random text. we all get in to moods where our words come out before the filter in our brain has time to process the information and edit before speaking or in this case texting. I think everyone here is correct and the advise they are giving you is good. don’t stress over it maybe it was just one of those random moments. P.S I did get him his rock star. and I got my reward when he said thanks babby, a huge smile on his face. dam his smile.

Lana,
Sounds like you handled it well. I just don’t like how he wants to silence you from voicing your opinion by saying “drop it”. Rude again. He shouldn’t think it’s okay to dismiss/minimize your feelings. I wouldn’t bring it up again though unless necessary (if he starts talking about it/other girls again). Personally if it was me I might still be irritated that he said “drop it”..he brought it up! It sounds kind of controlling on his part. First he seeks the “hot buttons” to press to piss you off/ get a reaction.. when you don’t feed into it he takes it to te next level by acting like there was a reciprocal attraction to the cashier… then says drop it?! Serious question.. how does this guy get along with his mother? What’s his relationship like with her? It seems irrelevant, but it can tell you a lot about his character.

You did good. Definitely a little rude of him to say drop it, but I’m sure that’s coming from his embarrassment and defensiveness about the whole thing and the fact that he’s not getting the reaction he wanted.

Honestly it just sounds like there’s this little part of him that’s jealous that you get so much attention from other guys and just needs reassurance – and this whole thing was just meant to get you to say “hey! You’re mine and I love you.” Definitely an immature way to go about getting the affection and reassurance he needs but on the other hand I’m pretty impressed that he’s as mature and well-adjusted and loving overall given that he didn’t have the most loving experience growing up.

I think he’s jealous of these other guys and trying to make YOU jealous so that you’ll focus on him and give him the reassurance he needs. Maybe it was just a one time blip but if it comes up again definitely be prepared to have a calm conversation about it and let him know where you stand and how it makes you feel.

You probably get hit on all the time whereas he as a guy has to clutch at straws to still feel like he’s attractive to the opposite sex (and therefore attractive to you …..it’s one of those dumb things where he feels like being attractive to girls in general gives him reassurance that he’s still attractive to and worthy of you.)

One thing you could do is use a moment when a guy is hitting on you in front of him ( as you mentioned sometimes happens) to have a chance to talk to him about how YOU handle these situations, thus reassuring him that just because guys are hitting on you doesn’t mean you want to be with them …..you could do this in a light joking way afterwards, maybe something like, “it’s so funny that those guys think they have a chance with me ….I’m so lucky to be with you” (or whatever feels natural to you).

I think he could have handled it better but on the other hand he sounds like a REALLY great guy in every other respect so I think he would respond well if you do decide to talk to him more about it (especially when he’s more rested and has a chance to cool down).

Communication is the key to any success and relationship. Don’t play games, don’t think too much just ask. hell you guys are partners you guys should be able to talk to each other openly.

one not on