Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › We have been dating for 4 months. How can I make this official? Or should I?
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Mae.
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Anna
I have been dating this guy for almost 4 months now. We met online and we have always had fun on dates and whenever we hang out in a chill environment, like if it is at one our places just watching tv and eating take out.
At first, I understand that we wouldnt have to hang out as often, but as we started dating a few months, we would only hang out during the weekends. I had to tell him that we should talk more and see one another versus just on the weekends.
His personality is very passive so I had to actually sort of break up with him in order for him to show his emotions and actually have this kind of communication effective. This has happened twice. Apparently he really cares as he said he almost cried.
Lately, we have had better communication when talking to one another. But it has been approaching 4 months and we only see each other once during the week and on the weekends. When I asked him when we can consider ourselves more serious, he sort of tried to brush it off. When I mentioned that hanging out 2x per week is not a relationship, I told him that I can go find someone who does actually want to hang out with me more (which put a toll on him I think). I have met his roommate and told his sister he has been dating someone but I want the completion aspect of it where I want to truly say that I am taken.
I am not sure if this is too needy because in my past relationships, I saw my [now ex] boyfriend everyday and sleep over. Now, it has been reduced to this small amount. He thinks this is fine, but I think he might be too slow moving on this progress. Let me know what any of you think, about how I should move forward in this relationship.
Lane
Like they say…”you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.”
In.a nutshell, if he truly WANTED a relationship with you he pul b in o! So yummy really want to be ‘the man’ in a relationship? If it’s like pulling teeth to get him this far, how much teeth, time and energy are you willing to expend on all other areas of one??? That’s the question you really need to ask yourself. Forget about him for on minute..:what do YOU want and need from a man to be truly happy?
Lane
Crap..darn phone! Meant if he really wanted to be in a relationship with you he would be in one!! And do you really want to be ‘the man’ in a relationship?
Ali
First of all, I definitely know people who see each other 2 x per week who consider themselves in a relationship! That actually sounds pretty ideal to me if it included spending the night, as I have my own life.
So I’m not sure I really agree with you on that point– but I guess everyone has a different idea about how much time they want to spend together.
As for making it “official” that is a different issue in my mind… if he doesn’t want to, then you should cut loose after 4 months. You shouldn’t have to pressure him– and you certainly shouldn’t have to “break up with him twice” in 4 months to get him to show you his feelings.
but maybe to him, 2 x a week is plenty even in a relationship!
Sounds like you guys want different things.
Khadija
Anna,
He is not the guy for you. If he wanted things to be official then he would have done so by now. Plus you are on the same page about quality time and haven’t been.
Throughout the 4 months you have been the one to initiate and that’s not a good sign.
I told him that I can go find someone who does actually want to hang out with me more (which put a toll on him I think). <<This here was an empty ultimatum, never do that again unless you are truly willing to walk.
I’d cut my losses and find someone in line with what I am looking for.
Anna
Hey everyone! Thank you so much for your input and I can totally see everyone’s point.
I really wonder why he does not show what he wants. When I ‘broke up’ with him, he finally showed his emotions and what he wants. But I do feel like I have been the one driving this relationship. Sadly enough, he has never said a compliment as simple as ‘you look nice today’, nor has he called me beautiful or even pretty. I do not expect a red carpet or a ridiculous amount of chivalry, or is this too much to ask for?
I am planning on hanging out with him tomorrow night, so how can I tell him that I want to be official?
Peach
Hi Anna,
He IS showing you what he wants.. I get the impression he wants something more casual with you, and you clearly want something more serious with him. If I were you, I would not tell him you want to be official. I’m sure he already knows you do.
Oh, and you shouldn’t have to threaten a man(“I told him that I can go find someone who does actually want to hang out with me more”) or “break up with him” for him to commit to you.. it comes off as very immature and dramatic :/
redcurleysue
I also do not think this is the man for you. You want him to change, that will cause you frustration and pain.
When you drive the relationship you are out of line…cart before horse. Let him lead. If he does not lead you anywhere drop him.
It is that simple.
peggy
Anna-you can’t-I really wouldn’t. I actually am getting the impression that you just want to fill a role,have a “boyfriend”. You did not really speak of any great qualities he has or why you think he is a great match.
If you really like him,for himself, I would tell him that you don’t think you two are on the “same page”,that you are looking for a serious relationship and you sense that he isn’t. Then listen to what he says. He may step up,he may not. Then you can move on and find better or know that he does want a relationship.Hannah
Why do you want to be official with someone that isn’t fulfilling your needs? He doesn’t want to spend enough tine with you, he doesn’t show affection and he doesn’t compliment you. That would be fine for someone else, but already you’re not happy with it. You’ve been with him 4 months and already broke up with him twice!
He’s not the man for you. Wanting something different to how he naturally is will only lead to resentment between you.
Why not just find someone else who makes you happy?
Janet
MOST men online are a waste of space…just saying.
They could not ‘cut it’ in the real world so they’re online.
This is a beta male imo. If that’s what you want go ahead, otherwise stop wasting your time.Khadija
I am planning on hanging out with him tomorrow night, so how can I tell him that I want to be official?
^^^ NO! Don’t waste your time telling him you want hings to be official. I’m sure he already knows what you want.
I’m truly confused why you would want someone who doesn’t compliment you. Being with a guy like this will chip away at your self esteem over time.
This meet up should be to end things and move on.
Again he is not the guy for you. Find someone who wants to spend time with you, compliments you,and is asking you to be official. He is out there, go free yourself to find him.
Anna
Hi Everyone!
I understand completely that he appears like he does not appreciate me and stuff. Do you suppose he is just very passive or this is a sign that he is just not interested in being in a serious relationship?
anon
It could just be his personality, but why would you want a relationship with a guy that you aren’t happy with early on? If he doesn’t appreciate you 4 months in, if he lacks enthusiasm 4 months in, in 4 years, it’s going to be horrible.
There are passive guys who will just go along with you and check the relationship box.
4 months in, there should still be some spark and excitement.
Mae
Even if he agrees to being official, know this: it won’t be genuine. He’ll have felt pressured into doing so. (Granted, of course he could have been more straightforward about not wanting a relationship instead of dodging the topic, but most men do not cut the strings when they still reap certain benefits in these situatios.) Your insecurities will then take over *because you’ll never know if he genuinely WANTED to “make it official”* and you’ll constantly be looking for the same reassurance you’re looking for now.
You would know- it’s just obvious- if this is Some Kind Of Something. There never needs to be a “DTR” talk, let alone the dread and ancticipation of it. I once wasted 6+ months in a similar situation, scripting different scenarios and outcomes: “If only he….; “If I say it this way, maybe…;” “If I show him that….”…. Just stop.
Situations are not ours to manipulate.
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