This topic contains 18 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Marina 10 months ago.
February 22, 2017 at 7:25 am #604676
This is a confusing situation and I know it’s long. But please help me and don’t judge me. My ex boyfriend(Jamie) is a famous musician. He suffers from narcissism, and I know some people will read this and ask me why I’m bothering. In the past year I’ve had other relationships and I moved on. But he’s still been a thought in my head, I did miss him but I’ve really worked on myself. I have my own flat, new job, great friendships who have supported me through everything in the last year.
I still don’t really know the ins and out of why he did what he did. But we broke up in February 2016, the relationship at the time was very physical, it was my first proper one. We had fun for two months being together but I could never fully trust him, he would be shifty and I had the subconscious feeling he was seeing another girl. Turned out he was taking another girl out for drinks and dinner, he didn’t sleep with her but I know for a fact he would of if the oppitunity was given. He lied to me saying she lived abroad. I went along with it until he did something again that made me question everything. In this time I started talking to his best friend about it, he understood his behaviour as he’s known him for a long time. We planned to go for a drink together to talk about it. I told my ex about this and he went crazy, accused me of cheating. We broke up over this but in reality I believed it was just an excuse to get out of being with me and to date this other girl.
He moved onto her simultaneously. We still slept together after we broke up and before they became official. Then he cut contact. Over the past year I had to deal with the constant social media updates of photos of her posted from his accounts, he put her on his album cover after they’d been together for 3 weeks. His album was released and all my friends are into his music and I kept seeing it everywhere. It was like she was the trophy and he was rubbing it in my face. It was hard for me, as I’d never felt so low. But I worked on myself and my friends and family supported me throughout and Jamie’s best friend helped me and listened to me when I just wanted to understand what went wrong.
He would block and unblock my number and all my social media, like my instagam photos and then unlike them. We did talk every once in a while in the past year but it was always short. I met someone in this time around June, who I went onto have a relationship with for 3months. He helped me heal, but we broke up as he felt I didn’t like him as much as he liked me. Which was true, I was still in love with Jamie.
Around October 2016 I was out with one of my friends. When received a text from Jamie asking me to come round his house. It was late around 10pm I did receive texts like this previously but I remember this so well. As I thought to myself he still knows I exist? He continued to do it for a week, texting me late at night asking to see me. I didn’t see him. The one evening I was free he said he wasn’t and then texted me at 2am asking me to come over. Saying he ‘doesn’t make plans’. He then blocked my number again so I couldn’t contact him. This whole time he was still with his girlfriend.
Then from November-January 2017 most weekends I was getting unknown calls, I did think it was him, but I didn’t want to draw conclusions. I had no evidence. Until he called on his normal number and then unknown. I knew it was. He’d ring and then hang up. But he’d blocked me so I could never call back.
In January I went out and saw one of his best friends. We started chatting and in the past month we started seeing each other. I like him but it was more that it was convenient. His friend told him that we hooked up and Jamie said he ‘didn’t want it to continue’. Me and his friend ignored it and carried on, until his friend suddenly decided he couldn’t see me anymore because he said he felt bad for Jamie and that he couldn’t see it being serious with me because jamie would always be there.
I decided to tell jamie myself on Sunday that it was still happening. I called him. We spoke about it and he started raising his voice saying he didn’t care and that I can do what I want. Put the phone down on me. In my head I was thinking he still cares. So I sent a text saying ‘you still like me and you still want to sleep with me’ he agreed and next thing I know he’s asking to see me. Saying to come to his, then I suggested mine. He came over at 3am in the morning.
I didn’t think he would come. This is the first time I’ve seen him in a year, he said he was single. We had sex twice and he left very quickly in the morning. He made me delete the messages we exchanged that night. Now he has ignored my texts and calls, when I said we need to talk about what’s happened.
I’m not upset, I feel as sense of relief. I just want to know what’s going through his head. He would have normally of blocked me but he hasn’t. He just ignoring me. What do I do?February 22, 2017 at 8:21 am #604690
You’re dancing on the string that a narcissist controls. And with all of this going on for so long, and the insane question you just asked, you’re not going to get out of this alone. Seek out a therapist and get help because you are addicted to this guy at some level. No one with any sense of self esteem keeps it going with a narcissist like this for so long. Good luck.February 22, 2017 at 8:22 am #604691
He doesnt suffer from anything, he is happy doing whatever he wants to do. You however, and normally im not very blunt but in this case i am, suffer from doormatsyndrome.
I think you posted about this guy before because she girl on the cover sounds familiar to me. This guy has zero feelings or respect for you. Please see that and move away from his whole click including the new friend. You are letting toxic relationships run your life and its time to stop. Block himFebruary 22, 2017 at 8:22 am #604692
Ignore him back.February 22, 2017 at 8:32 am #604697
You’re lack of self-esteem makes me feel so sad for you. Jaime exploits your lack of self-worth. This pattern will destroy you. Please, get some professional help. There are usually support groups that will cost nothing. Block Jaime and anyone else who would treat you that way.February 22, 2017 at 9:18 am #604706
I have to be honest, the whole time I am reading his you’re trying to make it sound like he’s victimizing you, but you sound like a willing participant to me. At every step of the way you could have made choices to block this man from your life and move on. It’s a simple matter to block him from your phone, your social media, and simply not to communicate with him.
Honestly, and I don’t mean to be harsh, you sound like the one trying to get in his face and are the one obsessed with him, not the other way around. It sounds like you’re reaching out to him, you’re hanging out with his best friend to talk crap about him (what kind of “friend” does that btw)? dating his friends, etc. Not to be harsh, but you sound like a groupie that won’t let go…you had a two month long fling during which he openly dated other women. You’ve made it out to be more than that in your head. He wasn’t rubbing the other woman in your face by putting her on the album cover, he was simply using his girlfriend as a subject. You are interpreting everything he does to have something to do with you as if his life revolves around you, when to me that does not seem to be the case. He’s a famous musician surrounded by women. He’s not stuck on some woman he had a brief relationship with while he was dating others. Just because he showed an occasional willingness to use you for sex, like he would any other groupie, does not mean you’re special or that he has a lingering thing for you.
I also see no evidence that he is a narcissist. Nothing that you related sounds abusive. It sounds like all the attempts to maintain a connection are on your end. It seems very unlikely that a busy musician who just had a successful album, has women throwing themselves at him, would be obsessing about a woman he dated for a couple of weeks over a year ago. But it does seem like you’re the one holding on and putting yourself conveniently in his path and he may be reacting to that a bit.
I know I disagree with much of the ladies here. But that’s how I see it…he’s not hanging out with your best friend discussing you, texting you, and dating your friends. YOU’RE doing all of that.February 22, 2017 at 9:26 am #604708
This is th first time I have heard the expression ‘suffering with narcissism ‘
Narcissists don’t suffer. Why? Because they can’t relate to anything emotional. That’s their MO. They are very happy with who they are and only see other people as object to exploit.
So if you know he is a narcissist, you simply need to move on. I assume you have looked up information online about it and are versed now in the fact that they do not bond nor get into real romantic relationships. They use you, and discard you when you are no longer of use.
You are creating your own misery.February 22, 2017 at 9:38 am #604710
I see absolutely no evidence that he is a narcissist and actually, the fact that he’s a successful famous musician actually belies that.
Narcissists usually sit around talking about how terrific and talented they are but rarely engage in the work to achieve that kind of success and then are jealous of people who do.
I’m seeing that the OP has an unhealthy attachment to a man who is not returning her feelings. That does not make the man a narcissist. He sounds like a typical famous person surrounded by women who has tons of options, the sort of guy I would give a pass to simply because I don’t want to constantly be vying with other women for his attention. The majority of actors and actresses, rock stars, etc (with some exceptions, such as Tom Hanks) have a hard time maintaining serious relationships for a variety or reasons, and one of them is that they have so many attractive people interested in them that the temptation is constant and hard to resist. That does not make them narcissists, that just makes them a bad bet for a relationship.February 22, 2017 at 9:42 am #604711
Oh PLEASE. Drama queen much? He doesn’t care about you? And you’re acting like a nitwit, chasing him and going after his friends.April 21, 2017 at 2:37 pm #620742
Elaine McCaffrey Bezak
I have a similar emotional attachment. Not sure if he is a narcissist, tho. I knew this man growing up, but had not seen in many, many years. We reacquainted online, as friends only, for over a year. When we finally met, he manipulated me into having sex (although I am an adult and did consent). The Sex was very disappointing, after initially being excited, he essentially brought an empty emotional, passionless experience. Spent the night in a cheap motel that I paid for. . Duhhhh. . Am I an idiot, or what?!?!? He left the next morning, with a quick peck, and an “I will talk to you later “. Wel, he never did, so I reached out to him several times, and most texts he ignored, and gave the busy excuse for not talking to me. This all took place over the last two months. But I fell in love with him the first time I talked to him. The Sex ,though disappointing, clinched it emotionally for me. Now I can’t let go, and despite unsuccessfully, trying to go no contact, there’s not a time I don’t want to reach out to him. And keep waiting for some contact from him. First, why did he dump me after Sex (I would like to continue the friendship we had) and second, why can’t I accept this, let go and move on???April 21, 2017 at 2:43 pm #620743
I feel for you, and appreciate all the responses you got, even the brutally honest ones. I hope you are doing ok, and would appreciate your insight into my situation. Thanks and best of luck to you.April 21, 2017 at 2:50 pm #620746
You need to be stronger and cut ties with him AND HIS FRIENDS!! You didn’t see him for a year and you’re fine without him! Yes you missed him and stuff but you were moving on. Now you have to restart because you saw him again. Yes it’s hard but it doesn’t mean you can’t do it. If you stay, you’re his puppet. If you’re ok with that then you must tolerate the pain and his craziness. You’re asking what’s in his head, himself…that’s it. Just cut him off. BLOCK HIS EVERYTHING INCLUDING HIS FRIENDS! Prevent him from contacting you, avoid him! If your friends are listening to his music, leave the room. Block yourself from social media until you’re healed. Good luck!April 21, 2017 at 2:57 pm #620748
Here’s my take on your situation Elaine:
You had a history with this man, as fleeting as it was, and because of that you right away trusted him when ordinarily you would have had your guard up. You chatted with him for a few weeks then met with him for sex. He never asked you out. He didn’t date you. You said he manipulated you, but how? There are men all over the world right now who are doing the same thing. Connecting with women online, chatting them up a bit, having sex, and then are in the wind.
The truth is, this man put no work into earning a relationship with you at all and you just handed yourself over to him on a silver platter. There was no manipulation here. He did not trick you. He didn’t promise you a relationship, and there was no foundation here other than you knew him many years ago from school.
You are not in love with him. You know nothing about this man, in fact you only met up with him ONCE if I’m reading this correctly. Love is a sharing between two souls and takes time to develop. What you are feeling is infatuation, being fueled by your own fantasies and expectations. You just want to feel loved. This is the wrong man for that. He is not and was never interested in having a relationship…he just wanted easy sex. There is nothing deep about his motives, there is no caring or love there. Move on. There are other men out there. My advice is next time take some time getting to know the guy IN PERSON. Go out with him. Get to know him. (NOT ONLINE)! Before having sex, particularly if you get so attached.April 21, 2017 at 3:43 pm #620756
“I’m not upset, I feel as sense of relief. I just want to know what’s going through his head.” – sense of relief? you feel victorious because now he cheated on his GF with you?
what’s going on in his head – only he knows that. it should not matter to you. One thing I can tell you the less attention you pay to him the more you’d hear from him, as this is what you want.
He is used to groupies, he is used to you being a doormat, stop being a doormat and you’d get more unknown calls. You might even get another invitation for a hookup. May I make a suggestion? Agree to it and don’t show up. And block his number.
Then you need to ask youself if this is the “love” that you want for yourself.April 21, 2017 at 4:56 pm #620785
Shannon, I very much appreciate your response. You are correct in your overall assessment, which is exactly correct. I will add a few more details, although I don’t think it will change your response, and in no way am i disputing anything you wrote. We chatted online and phone/skype for a year and a half before we met, a distance factor. He had asked me several times, over that period, as we became emotionally attached, to move our relationship to more than friends. I always said no, not wanting to ruin the friendship, which is exactly what happened. The manipulation was a text sent to me one last time to consider it, the text contained some manipulative phrases. I, agreed to meet him for dinner, at his restaurant, so it was our first date. This was February 24, and after enjoying a wonderful dinner, and evening, and lots of sexual tension, I somewhat reluctantly agreed to spending the night together. We discussed, moving forward to a physical relationship, so I believed that would happen. He used me, and completely blindsided me with his lack of contact, after that. I don’t understand what happened, hence, the broken heart. Again, Shannon, I am very grateful to you for taking the time to send me an honest response. Thank you!! PS. I have been celibate for many, many years before this, because as you said, I normally have my guard up, and yes, I did trust him, after over a year of conversations. But, in no way, shape or form, do I have sex with any random man. I’m not that person. Thanks again!!April 21, 2017 at 5:49 pm #620794
Sience is the most powerful weapon. If he really is a narcissist you need to treat him with silence. However, you are the one that appears to be obsessed with him and I think you need to deal with this, until then all these pseudo relationships you start will only be revenge and you will not be open to anyone else. You should think about taking care of yourself and work through this, why you got into it, continued it and cannot let it go. You should not be concerned with him at all, obviously the guy does not really care about you or else he would not have just had sex with you once in the past year. He does not want you back. All you can change is your attitude, your inner self, you cannot change him or make him feel for you. I can tell you now that this will not go anywhere with this guy. If you want to get better, feel happy in the future, it is high time to start working on you and healing, there is an entire world of possibilities open to you which you fail to notice. I understand your feelings, been there but not wanting to let go will only prolong your suffering.April 21, 2017 at 8:06 pm #620815
So my question is what result do you see in all this? Do you think he will come back to you and adore you as you wish?
I suggest to you that this man is wrapped up in himself so much so that there is little to give to other people. I suggest to you that unless HE receives help he will fail in his relationships…but maybe he will never really care about that at all.
I suggest to you that this is not a man that any woman really wants deep down since he is not interested in anyone else…and any woman that gets involved with him will find herself miserable.
So, go after Misery Man…if you want.April 21, 2017 at 8:40 pm #620816
You say you are not upset and feel a sense of relief that he is ignoring you. You want to know what is going on in his head. Why does it matter? Block him and get on with your life.April 22, 2017 at 1:02 am #620849
This guy sounds like a complete loser. I would just ignore him and block him myself. He has way too much time on his hands, blocking and unblocking you constantly. I’d just move on and have no more contact with him. This sounds toxic and clearly won’t work. Sounds exhausting.