Marriage?

Thanks that’s helpful.
Just one thing – that person I posted about last year was a different person who got divorced while we were together (no kids) but his Behaviour showed he kept me at a distance .
This is someone else ! I know , I should have learned . And believe me I tried to get rid of him but he kept pursuing me and I fell for him .
Thanks for your advice

Sound advice, liz lemon! Honestly, a ton of people simply don’t know this because they are never told/ it doesn’t come up until it does. I feel like if every person who was new to dating knew what you just said re: divorce and separation a lot of heartache would be saved!

Yes we all hear at some point “don’t be the rebound” but I think it never translates to actual situations so people don’t even realize they are a placeholder/buffer until it’s too late.

Well said!!

Fully agree with everything Liz has said (far more succinctly than what I’m going to add lol).

In regards to red flags. First, anyone approaching a relationship with the expectation you’ll change your mind about something / they’ll make you change your mind… THAT is a HUGE red flag. Dating potential over reality always sets both of you up for failure!

The other thing about red flags and divorce (and sometimes even for normal breakups): I found that the reasons for the divorce, the person’s emotional maturity level in processing the failure of the marriage, and how they approach relationships (in their own minds) to begin with to be incredibly important. These areas are what create red flags, not the surface level facts of being separated / divorced or having kids. Someone without good relationship skills and with unresolved intimacy issues, for example, will need a long time to get over a divorce and be more likely to be looking for a buffer placeholder without even realizing it! They not only have to mourn the divorce and move forward with redefining themselves after big life transitions, they often also have to choose to deal with their pre-marriage baggage that maybe contributed to the marriage not working out in the first place. So even if enough time passed to be over the ex, or they like you and wish they were ready, that doesn’t mean they can show up for a new serious commitment.

Beyond all that, if you’re getting pushback on something non-negotiable for you, you’re not in the same life stage nor looking for the same things right now. That’s what’s most important here. Again, date what’s in front of you, not potential.

And remember that, even though it feels bad, it’s not about you! 6 months generally isn’t much time to be sure about marriage for anyone, but he’s not even really saying he has doubts about you. He has doubts about marriage. Because he’s not over the failure of it and the complicated transition it forces and financial / legal complexities, and he is still scared to go through that again. But you have no idea how long it will take him to heal from that, or even if he will. He doesn’t even know what life looks like on the other side of this divorce yet, of course he’s not committing to the idea of another marriage right now.

If your gut tells you he’s not ready (which his actions and words also tell you at this point), you don’t need to wait for him to realize it and say it out loud in order to decide what’s best for yourself. Don’t disrespect yourself in the relationship by making the decision fully dependent on him and leaving it all in his hands.

Tammy, what happened to you was literally exactly what I’m talking about in my earlier post.

The whole “oh yeah we’re divorced” but come to find out later they are only SEPARATED, or, just straight-up married, not separated, still living together etc and just flat-out lying so they can cheat and that’s their excuse for the wife/kids/photos everywhere…

To be clear to anyone reading- the separated thing is still a red flag. They could still be living together. They could not even or barely be separated at all and he’s just saying that. They could remain that way for years. He may re-think things or go back. Regardless, tons of unresolved feelings even POST paperwork truly being filed on a divorce.

Just don’t! Tammy, not trying to lecture you at all, just trying to illustrate and help readers out there be saved from future heartache. I wish everyone knew this. I said folks new to dating but really it applies to everyone dating age and up, regardless of how long you’ve been in the game.