Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › I'm so scared my boyfriend is going to break up with me
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EricaJ
I think I totally screwed up my relationship with my boyfriend. We met in mid June when we were introduced at an art exhibit party. We clicked that night so when he asked me for my number I gave it to him. He called the next day and we met for coffee and the mutual attraction was definitely there. He’s handsome in a rugged sort of way, he’s worldly, and he’s a great listener. He’s also smart, has a good head on his shoulders and will go far in his career.
We agreed that the next time we’d go for dinner, which we did. So for the rest of June we went on a bunch of dates and started to become a couple as we learned about each other and found that we had a lot in common.
It took him three dates to go for the “first kiss!” I remember it!! He is very respectful of women and is kind of old fashioned which is so new and refreshing to me. So by the end of June we started making out but nothing too serious even though he wanted to do a bit more. I resisted and he respected my wishes.
The time we spent together just kept getting better. He took me to the theater, we went to art galleries, even some indoor rock climbing. I met his friends and he met mine.
When it came to sex, even though he’s really really wanted me lately and I sensed his frustration, I’ve been putting off the “actual event.” In other words, we still have not actually had sex. I have read in so many places that a woman should have a guy wait three months to make sure that the relationship is real and will last (something I haven’t done in the past). Anyway, we discussed past relationships and dating and stuff and he said that he’s only been in long term relationships (and only two at that). I said that I was the same but didn’t give any number or anything. I also didn’t mention about anything else since I figured that his “experience” and number is totally low (2) and I’m, let’s say, lots more “experienced.”
So here’s the shitty thing that happened. On Friday we were at some event with a lot of people. At some point a couple came up to us. The guy in the couple was completely drunk. The drunk guy was a guy I met a week or so before I met my boyfriend. I stopped seeing him when my boyfriend and I got serious. Anyway this guy said hi to me and then introduced himself to my boyfriend. He then told his date that he and I “dated” and did stuff back in June. He was totally wasted and used a bunch of words – just incredibly rude and insensitive. My boyfriend looked like he wasn’t sure what had just happened and told him to shove off and we left them.
On the car ride home he asked me if what the drunk guy said was true. I sort of tried to laugh it off and I think I said the guy was ranting or something but I think I just changed the conversation. He dropped me off and that was it.
We got together Saturday afternoon for coffee and I knew right from the get go that he was different from his usual self. He basically said that my not really answering him in the car meant that it was true about the drunk guy. He sort of choked up and said something like he figures that while we were dating and going places and doing fun activities but not having sex that I was having sex with the drunk guy. I think I sort of was in shock and didn’t know how to respond. I’m not even sure what I did say or if I actually did say anything. He then left.
It’s been two days and he hasn’t called even though I’ve called and texted. This man is so totally the best true and real man I’ve ever dated and I can so see us together forever! I so don’t want to lose him!! Please give me some advice on what to do now. Thanks thanks thanks!
Khadija
First off I must say congrats to you for holding off on the physical part with this guy.
You’ve actually taken your tine and that’s great.
At this point I would just wait for him to contact you first.
It sounds like he needs some space. That guy was drunk and rude plus you already spoke your peace. This happened before you started seeing your boyfriend.
It sounds like his insecurities are getting the best of him.
What I will say lastly, is do not make up by giving him any if you are not ready.Amy S
You know he shouldnt fall that easily. Let him come back to you. Your past is that, in the past. Let him initiate contact and if he doesnt he was a fail as hes too highly strung or something. x
Greenie
What’s going on in his head now is this…
He feels like a chump. No guy wants to know that while he was dating you and waiting patiently you were having sex with someone else. Now of course there is nothing wrong with dating more than one man at the same time, nor do you owe any of them an explanation.
However, if things become more serious with one person than you become exclusive and stop seeing others. This man was under the impression that you were dating only him and now he feels deceived. I’m not sure what you can do to resolve this, maybe others have ideas? I know M-a-t-t-h-e-w H-u-s-s-e-y had a video on youtube about this very subject.
Greenie
This thread won’t publish certain words… that’s why i had to add hyphens
EricaJ
Khadija thanks for your support but it really isn’t like you said and it looks bad. I met the drunk guy like a week before my boyfriend and we sort of did it right away. It was a very physical thing but that’s all it was. It went on for about a month or so when I ended it cause I didn’t think it was fair to my now boyfriend. So it’s not really “the past” if you know what I mean and my boyfriend knows that.
Also the fact that I did it with the drunk right away but not yet with my boyfriend really hurt him I guess. I have to explain that I guess and not look “terrible.”
EricaJ
Hi Greenie. I went to You tube. This Matthew guy has 200 videos! Which one is the one that is about my situation? I read the titles but couldn’t really find one that was like my situation. Thanks so much!
Greenie
I will see if I can find it and get back to you… that guy offers a lot of GREAT advice!
Rose
That sucks. I’d be super mad if I found out something like this.
Well, the only thing you can do now is wait for him to contact you and be honest about the whole thing. Then ask for forgiveness and back off until he’s ready to either let go or give it a try.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Sometimes we try to do things right with someone we really like but still have needs. This is the worst case scenario. I hope you can solve it.
redcurleysue
Well the drunk did a number all right.
What I would do is wait a few days and call him. I would ask to meet with him face to face. I would tell him that whatever he is thinking did not happen the way he is imagining and you want to clear the decks between the two of you.
I would stay factual…yes, you dated him at the beginning of dating this guy but quickly moved on since you knew he was not the one for you. You want to take your time and really get to know someone before sexual relations…you learned that through this experience and want to forget about it and move forward with your life.
Good luck.
Greenie
This isn’t the right video but it’s similar to this … “He Asks: How Many Men Have You Slept With? Here’s What You Say…”
Basically, your new beau feels like a chump because the other guy (clearly no winner) got to have you without doing anything special – without “earning it”. So he feels had. It won’t do any good to tell him you held out longer for him because you were more interested and knew it wasn’t just sex. However, you could try explaining that with the former guy you knew it didn’t mean anything and it was before you met him.
Rose
Tell him the drunk guy incident was a mistake you didn’t want to commit with him. That’s all I can think of and I think it’s the truth so if he has a heart he’ll try to understand.
Greenie
Rose, I really LOVE your advice, but on this particular I have a different opinion.
Telling him it was a “mistake” might ring alarm bells for this guy because he’ll be wondering how long it will be before she makes another mistake, and whether HE (her BF) is just another “mistake” too. Also the use of the word “commit” might not apply here either. People don’t necessarily have sex or not have sex for reasons of commmitment or lack thereof. Saying that could end up confusing or alarming him even more.
I think the reason this hurts her BF’s ego so much is because he’s comparing himself to a guy who didn’t really have to do much to earn her affection and he feels really shitty about it. Her best bet might be to let him have a few days and then be really low key about the incident saying it meant nothing and happened before she had any real interest in her BF and that she hasn’t thought about that other guy since. She might want to remind her BF about all the qualities in him that she ADMIRES and why he “won” her heart.
EricaJ
I stepped away for a bit cause he called!!!!!
Well we had a long conversation and I really understand how he feels.
Greenie you are sooo right. For sure he’s upset big time that the drunk guy “got there” without a whole lot of effort and by comparison we haven’t even done it yet. Made him feel like I’m not attracted to him. I said it again and again that I am super attracted to him and wanted to do it right. So when we actually do “do it” it would mean a whole lot more than it did with the other guy. And even without reading your last comment I did bring up all that’s great about him!
He wanted to know why I had originally said that I’d only had sex in long relationships when with the drunk guy it was fast and short. I didn’t really have a good response so I focused on the two of us and moving forward. I think he was getting choked up at the other end. He said he didn’t like the idea of an *-hole having gotten me. He’s also concerned that he’s going around telling people that he did such and such with me. He asked if that was true and I didn’t know how to answer without hurting him and making me look terrible.
Truth is with the drunk guy, like I said before, it was only physical and when he suggested some stuff I went along. He wanted a threesome and he also wanted “from behind” and I foolishly went along with it thinking I was enjoying myself. Anyway, my guy now wants to know what I did with that guy. How should I wade into that mess?
Anyhow we agreed to get together tomorrow and talk some more so that’s great! I just don’t want to say something stupid or wrong.
Greenie
I think the absolute WORST thing you could do is go into detail about what happened with this drunk guy. Avoid any specifics, your guy doesn’t need to imagine or “visualize” the two of you. Steer him away from that because it simply will make things worse than they are. Tell him it’s in the past and you want it to stay that way. Tell him you’d prefer to talk about the two of you and what you mean to each other.
Greenie
Look up the title of that video I mentioned above, it has some good tips in it.
Rose
Greenie, thanks for the compliment :)
What I meant when I used the word commit was as in “a mistake she didn’t want to happen with her bf”
I think he already knows it was a mistake because sleeping with such a douchebag is indeed a mistake but I agree that maybe she should not point that out but instead saying that it meant nothing and will never do that again, that they were not exclusive at the time and it started before she met him.
I also agree with not getting into any details about it.
Rose
This is the name of the Matthew guy video. “The Conversation That Can Ruin A New Relationship”
Greenie
Good job Rose! Yup that’s it…
Shasta
Ooh oh oh oooh! Just tell him, that the idiot wasn’t with you for right reasons, and you are tired of being used. Cause it breaks your heart and stuff. Tell him you’re ready for something real, and that you feel it in your heart, that what you guys have could be the best thing you have ever done. It should squash his curiosity. Idk, its always worked for me, in fact, I have never had a bf to break up with me… I usually did the breaking up. But, I only really had a few long relationships and ain’t that experienced… But, I think he cares for you, and he’ll not want to hurt you. So give him a Map to happiness.
Options2
“Threesome And from behind?”
Is he out to giving you punishment? If that is the case – he seems unforgiving. Not a very great trait.
The fact is you misrepresented yourself to him, but many men do the same early on. So the only argument according to this point that he felt lied to. Everything else on his mind is psychology.
You have already apologized and don’t continued to do again with the apology. That put you in a weak position. How can he sees you as a prize?
I would admit it is a great lesson learned which is the truth that you have done a lot of men have done and will do. And so few women and men would mind that.
It is the double standard that won’t go away. Don’t convince him anymore. An open and a forgiving guy worth ten times more.
Lana
Honestly, this is being blown out of the water.
Your man can’t expect you to have a perfect past. Drunk guy was a learning curve on what not to do.
Explain to your guy, that drunk guy was so foul that you learnt quickly that giving your body away quickly to an asshole was a mistake, which is why your holding off on physical stuff with your current man, because you want to make sure 100% after your horrible expierence with drunk guy.Key here is to put down drunk guy, and talk about him as if he’s a little boy, when you compare him to your man, your man is a man. That’s the way you should make your man feel and how to handle this.
Don’t dare go into details about the sex with drunk guy, that’s a stupid road to go down on.
Khadija
My advice is to stay clear of details at all. That will really ruin things for him.
Just say tell him you made a bad call on seeing that guy but, you want to keep the focus on you two. You’re really enjoying his company and look forward to seeing who this relationship will progress.Maria
I am glad the situation is getting better. However, I feel that this guy is genuine. He does not hide his feelings, he confronts you and hge wants honest answers. DO NOT WHEASLE your way out. Tell him that you did not mention the sex with this guy because you did not want to lose him, you were afraid he would think low of you. If he wants to know the details after that – it wont’ matter. You can tell him the details. But do not wheasle with this guy, be honest and expose your vulnerabilities. He is not going to be so naive as to expect you to never have sex and only relationships. It is rare these days, so be upfront and tell him that you really like that about him and you felt you fell short of him..and was afraid to scare him off.
EricaJ
Hi all! Good Happy News!!
My guy and and I have spoken a lot since I was on the board a couple of days aga and we made up! Annnnd… we made up in other ways as well. I am like soo surprised that he’s absolutely fantastic in the “initimacy” way. Just an an incredibly genrous and kind and HAWT guy!! So that part is behind us.
I really took most of your advice to heart and actually said it to Kevin.
Greenie said to be sort of low key and to say it all happened with drunk guy before I realized how I truly felt about my guy. And for sure I’ve been emphasizing all the great qualities about him that I admire and that that’s why he’s won my heart. that really was great advice. Thank you so much!
Also, like Shasta suggested, I told my guy that I was with the drunk guy for all the wrongreasons (sooo true. I aslo said that with my guy I we have something real that will last. I’m not sure about a “map to happiness” (lol) but we’re so much better now.
Lana said to tell my guy that the drunk guy was a learning curve on what not to do. I did tell my guy this and it’s also so true. And I did explain that I’ve learned that “giving my body away quickly to an asshole was a mistake.” And like you suggested I even said that drunk guy was “foul” and I also “put him down.”
maria said that my guy is genuine. 100% he is!! It was never only about sex. He’s wanted a relationship that includes sex. Duh! Yeah I know, I know. All very clear now.
Now I don’t want to overstay my welcome especially since you all helped me so much but I’d like to ask for suggestions just once more, please. My boyfriend figures that when drunk guy mouthed off about doing such and such with me that he was telling the truth. Last night when we were in bed together he suggested that we try one of those things (back door) this weekend. I didn’t really answer one way or another,and I’m really not sure how to handle it. On the one hand I don’t want him to think that I’m up for just “anything” but on the other hand he figures I’ve done it with drunk guy. Sooo, how do I carefully navigate this one?
Anyway, thanks again every one – you have all been so supportive and gave me great advice.
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