This topic contains 31 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Anon 9 months, 2 weeks ago.
June 17, 2016 at 10:10 am #540993
I need some real advice. I was in a marriage for 7 years that ended in divorce when my ex-husband cheated on me with multiple women while out of town for work. I found out about it, but at that point it did not even really hurt because our relationship was so far gone already. We divorced and I washed my hands of him.
Two years later I had dated many people, sewed my wild oats, and found myself. I made a boss career for myself and was completely self sufficient. And then I met Josh. He was not what I was looking for but was so much better than what I thought I would ever find again. 9 months later we are super in love, we live together, and talk about marriage in the future. He has not given me a reason not to trust him and I have my thumbprint on his phone. He fessed up soon after we went out the first time that he did cheat on his ex-wife. We dropped it but more and more details came out later on.
This morning I got some gory details about what he did. He had made it sound like he met a girl at a bar and had a one night stand, but I found out it was actually an affair and it had gone on for almost two months. He told the other woman that he loved her and would move with her. She had no idea he had kids and a wife at home. Etc, etc, etc. I also found out that it was his only physical affair but that in the past he had done a lot of online shenanigans.
Now, their relationship was god awful and I do take that into consideration, but honestly it freaked me out that he will do the same things to me. I don’t want to get my heart ripped out. Can he change? Or should I look at his past and let it determine our future?
June 17, 2016 at 10:26 am #540996
No one has a crystal ball on here.
Typically past behavior predicts future behavior. But not in all situations.
I am actually shocked he would tell you all the gory details. That’s self serving. It doesn’t do you any good to hear such things unless he is unconsciously wanting to warn you that when things don’t go right, his impulses are to jump to another woman.
So now you know and what to with that info? What did he expect to accomplish by telling you this? I would ask him that.
Then you need to decide if he is worth taking the risk. I personally don’t feel just because he was forthright about this that he has turned over a new leaf. If that were the case he wouldn’t be planting such seeds in your mind.
I dated a guy once who made the statement early on in an apologetic and boyish manner that he wasn’t a good BF. I took that to mean, he was being open and that he wanted me to understand if he didn’t do certain things it wasn’t because he didn’t love me, but it was a personality flaw that was harmless. What a mistake. I should have taken it at face value, but like most women’s translated it in a way that it fit what I wanted to hear. Needless to say he was a terrible BF and he cheated constantly…June 17, 2016 at 10:29 am #540997
In general i believe that people are not inclined to cheat as long as they are happy in the relationship. Even if they cheated in the past in another relationship. If the relationship fails, men are more inclined to stay in the relationship and cheat and women are more inclined to leave.
If you two are on good terms, i think you should talk about this. About your own past. I think i would tell him that you feel you are in a healthy relationship but you would like to know more about what drove him to the affair and what caused it, so you can prevent that from happening in your relationship. Something like thatJune 17, 2016 at 10:37 am #540998
The whole conversation came up because of us talking about our happy relationship and he made the comment that he was so grateful for me and that we try so hrd to have an awesome relationship. It lead to him telling me about the affair and why he did it, and how it was the biggest regret of his life even though he was so unhappy. We do confess more to each other than I have ever in other relationships before. I have confessed terrible things I have done as well. The end result of the conversation that we had was him saying he cannot believe, as much as he hated her, that he was capable of hurting any person in that way and how thankful he was that he waked away from that affair and what lessons he had learned.June 17, 2016 at 10:39 am #540999
**Walked awayJune 17, 2016 at 10:48 am #541003
You are only 9 months in. Honeymoon phase. Of course everything is wonderful and different. You haven’t been together long enough to stand the test of boredom or getting on each other’s nerves, or dealing with real issues. It’s not a marriage and you can walk away freely.
I’m not suggesting he will cheat again, but I also have never been a fan of sharing gory details about past regrets and bad behavior. I just don’t think it does anything to further a relationship.
And my point is validated, because here you are writing into a forum concerned if he might cheat again.
Actions speak louder than words. If you want to change and be a better person, than do it. You don’t have to tell people you are doing it.June 17, 2016 at 10:49 am #541004
on a positive side im just thinking that at least he is showing he wants to be completely honest with you, and maybe that means he genuinely sees the relationship you have is the best he’s ever had and doesnt want to have it ruined by the past unexpectedly biting the future in some way. by getting it all out in the open at least its footing for a clean slate to be out with the old ways and now grown up and ready for an actual normal happy future? i believe because you have had your past experiences you know too well about being abruptly dissapointed and its always probably wise to trust with at least half an eye open at minimum, but if you let this relationship be ruined by anxiety from the past – your letting that mongrel ex ruin your future as well as your past – i wouldnt give him the satisfaction of any further effect on your life. im assuming youve told your new man about your ex’s cheating and now that he has confessed to similar behaviour their will need to be some major support in allowing for you to be wary of being hurt again and will need lots of help to keep your trust that he is no longer needing to behave that way. its a hard one – but to give you a food for thought story – i know of someone who’s best friend met a man that was in a horrendous marriage – so technically an affair occurred and the married man did after some time leave to be with the friend and they are happily togethor still to this day after about 11 years with two children togethor. im not condoning affairs but the story is one example to answer your question do guys continue to cheat once theyve cheated bfor- well in this instance no – and ive quite often attended parties with this couple and they are so lovely you would not picture that they met under those circumstances.June 17, 2016 at 10:49 am #541005
Save confessions and remorse for church and parole boards.June 17, 2016 at 11:22 am #541023
I see this as..
He trusts you, so he has let you know, opened up to you etc, don’t see it as something to be frightened of or un-trusting of. Also don’t let it play on your mind, take it for what it is.
They say a leopard never changes its spots, but I disbelieve that.
They will cheat if they are unhappy with you for whatever reason, so keep him happy and he won’t.
At the end of the day anyone could cheat on you whether they’ve cheated in the past before or not, it’s down to the two of you and your relationship together, not statistics.
Don’t let this make you crazy and question stuff either, because likelihood is, he won’t open up again.June 17, 2016 at 12:25 pm #541033
I hate to be a de by downer.. But men cheat for more reason than being unhappy.
They do it out of boredom, they want variety, an ego boost, etc. drinking loosens inhibitions and can make a person more likely to do things they would not do sober. many one nighters ‘just happen’… Flings don’t require you to have to deal with day to day issues, so while you could be happy at home, you might want relief with someone who just isn’t caught up in your other day to day life.
so keeping your man happy at home does not guarantee he will not stray. The same is true for women.
Actually, there are brain studies that show certain men biologically have th propensity to cheat. They are wired that way. So that has nothing to do with keeping your man happy at home.
So again.. I would like to know why he needed to over share. You can’t make yourself sick about the whole thing, but his timing is interesting. He doesn’t tell you during the courtship phase, he waits to tell you after he has you hooked and living with him.
I wouldn’t let it ruin things, but I would certainly be more aware.
He should know that since he decided to divulge such info, he should also be that much more transparent with you about his coming and goings. Because I would have my doubts too if the person I was with decided to tell me such info.June 17, 2016 at 12:44 pm #541041
What a tough situation!
I do not personally believe once a cheater, always a cheater, however circumstances very wildly. Your boyfriend had a full fledged affair with another women, this wasn’t a one moment of weakness while drunk type situation.
That being said, I do know one thing for sure,
When a man shares his secrets with you, if you want him to trust you and keep opening up to you, you must accept them without judgement. If you choose to continue and you use what he’s told you against him, he will resent you for it.
First have a very thorough conversation with him, tell him your story as well if you haven’t already, that your ex-husband cheated on you. I know for the most part the past needs to be in the past, but this situation is delicate. Learn about exactly WHY he cheated, what drove him to do so and why he chose to continue the affair, rather than leave the relationship.
After hearing out everything he has to say, then it will be up to you to choose if you want to risk it.
If you stay with him, you’ll need to trust that he won’t cheat on you. Don’t treat him as guilty before any crime has been committed, don’t snoop through his stuff or ask him constantly about his whereabouts. If you don’t feel you can bring yourself to trust him, it’s not a good idea to stay. It will be a hard road and make sure you give him plenty of time and know him really well (at least two years), see how he acts when things get tough, before you make any legal commitments.
If he does end up cheating, despite you putting your trust in him, walk away and never look back.
Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best of luck.April 23, 2017 at 12:35 am #621061
I’ve been married 3 years and its been 50/50. Good and bumpy. We get along well but in the beginning when we were dating he confessed alot about his first marriage that I could have lived 30 more years without ever needing to know. Most of it made me question whether or not it would happen to us. His first wife was a nice person, but not a sexual person in any sense of the word. He went for months, then a full year without and then cheated on her with somebody at work. It did make me put myself in his shoes….because I’m the opposite of how she was…how would I feel in his situation? Still, I thought wow, what if I get sick & can’t put out. Will he cheat on me? I am pretty sure I punished him for what he did to her, after all I felt empowered to do so in my pissed off mood when he told me what he did. So far he has done alot of proving to me that he won’t. He says he wouldnt ruin the best thing that ever happened to him. If he ever does, I’m out. I love him, but I’ll be out. Once Mr. Willy has been parked in another garage, I don’t ever want it back in mine. Yuck.April 23, 2017 at 12:44 am #621062
I think it really REALLY depends on so many things. I cheated on my ex husband and left him for another man– 13 years ago. Can I envision myself EVER doing such a thing now– no— because I have changed as a person, and the underlying reasons WHY I cheated have changed (ie. in my case I had never been alone and was deeply unhappy in my marriage but scared to be alone so actively looking for a new partner while still married). Now, I would get out of the unhappy relationship before starting a new one. I am a stronger, more whole, happier person who isn’t afraid to be alone.
I don’t believe once a cheater always a cheater, but I would question whether you think the reasons he behaved in that way have been addressed. Does he appear to be remorseful about it– does he talk about why he did and how he’d never do it again. I know for a fact I would never do it again as it’s the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life, I feel terrible about it to this day, and it deeply hurt me.April 23, 2017 at 12:58 am #621064
Can I tell you what bothered me the most?
Not so much as he cheated but he was carrying on an entire affair with a woman hiding the fact that he was married and has kids.
I don’t condone cheating, but human beings are weak, no one’s perfect, and people make mistakes.
This was not that. He led a double life for months.
It also sounds like that he went online looking for women with the premeditated motive of cheating on his life and misleading women. Innocent, trusting women that were looking for love.
That’s not, I was having marital problems and had an affair. This is someone who wove together a web of lies and set out to lie and mislead women for sex.
To me that’s not an understandable mistake during a difficult situation. His behavior to me is indicative of a psychopathic nature. He set out KNOWING people were going to get hurt.
He’s not confessing and coming clean. HE’S BRAGGING. Sure, he’s shrouding it in a way that would make it easier for you to stomach, but the truth is he’s showing you who he is.
The problem is not the cheating. The problem is the lengths he went to deceive multiple women.
I wouldn’t be able to overlook this.April 23, 2017 at 1:09 am #621066
Yeah, somehow I missed that part. I agree with Shannon– that is very disturbing and very different than just being in a bad marriage, meeting someone you have a connection with, and being weak and not resisting falling for someone else. Or being so sex starved that you seek out a one night stand even. The fact that he lied about being married to this other women is really scary to me– and a sign that his issues run pretty deep.April 23, 2017 at 1:59 am #621067
This post is a year old….April 23, 2017 at 2:07 am #621069
FYI The original post is almost a year old.April 23, 2017 at 4:08 am #621078
Once a cheater = always CheaterApril 23, 2017 at 9:40 am #621111
I support a poster saying people cheat for more reasons than being unhappy.
The thing stood out to me was that your guy was doing online stuff? That’s a behavior of someone who is regularly ok with and does enjoy a lot of sex outside of relationship.April 25, 2017 at 4:43 pm #621797
ONCE A CHEATER= ALWAYS A CHeater!
Live by that concept.
He will never change.April 25, 2017 at 5:03 pm #621810
Don’t just think of it in terms that he cheated. He didn’t value the vows he made to his wife. That is what is important. He can break his vows in other ways, not just cheating. If you are OK with someone that broke their marriage vows then proceed with caution.April 26, 2017 at 1:53 am #621913
I think once a cheater, always a cheater.August 10, 2017 at 8:18 pm #647380
My husband lied when we first met thatAugust 10, 2017 at 8:25 pm #647382
My husband lied when we first met. He said he had divorced his wife because she got fat and they didn’t get on. Months later I found out his wife divorced him because he had an affair. We have been married now 5 years and I have found out he had many one night stands and at least one affair. I don’t like to question him but what should I do. I believe he loves me very much but I am scaredAugust 10, 2017 at 8:56 pm #647384
Jackie, are you using condoms with your HB? “Many” one night stands!! Women and men who do that are high risk. Very high risk, I would worry about STDs in your case.
He will continue to cheat, are you okay with closing your eyes on it? And what do you mean by “I don’t like to question him”? You have all rights to do that!!
If you can tolerate infidelity, and some women can, then suggest to him to open your marriage. This way YOU have an opportunity for some romance as well, and there will be no lies.
If you cannot, then divorce is your only option.