This topic contains 35 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Linda 4 months, 1 week ago.
October 22, 2015 at 3:34 am #469458
I said goodbye to him because I felt I had no choice. He said and did things that upset me. I know I had no right to ask him to change. We were not in a committed relationship. And I’m not controlling, nagging or needy. So I thought the only right thing to do was to leave and leave him be. He can do whatever he wants. If I don’t like it, I can leave.
He and I dated briefly, but he went from being on his best behavior to being a thoughtless, inconsiderate guy. I guess he showed me his true self when he stopped making an effort to get me. After he got sex of course.
I walked away because I have self respect and pride. I didn’t want to be with him only on his terms. He still wanted to keep seeing me, but he didn’t argue or fight for me. He accepted my polite and mature goodbye. It seems like he has as much maturity and pride as I do. Or maybe he just never cared about me?
I don’t regret saying goodbye because I couldn’t continue dating him while I felt taken for granted and treated as a low priority. I appreciated him so much when he treated me like a top priority. The change he underwent after sex was very hurtful to me. I didn’t even chase him after sex! I was same girl he had chased before sex. He’s the one that changed after sex.
I’m still hurting. I won’t go back on my goodbye by reaching out to him. I’d feel foolish and powerless if I did. I won’t! I didn’t say goodbye to manipulate him. I meant it. I still do, but I miss him so much. I guess my heart hopes that he will come back as a better man and ready to show me that he cares about me. I know I shouldn’t wait, but my heart still wants him.
Aside from moving on, is there anything else I can do?
Does the fact that he said I’m the hottest, most beautiful woman he’s known and the sex was so great make any difference? Since he felt that way about me and we had an emotional connection, I can’t understand how he could let me walk away so easily. I’m so confused and heartbroken.October 22, 2015 at 4:42 am #469463
This might sound harsh but guys lie to get what they want. He might have meant it but then if that was the case, he wouldn’t have let you go. That being said, think, why do you want this guy? Is it possible that you want him because you can’t have him?October 22, 2015 at 4:58 am #469464
Lie about his compliments to me? Is that what you mean by lying? He never said complimentary things to me before sex. He said them after sex. Does this make a difference?
I still want the nice guy he had been to me before sex. It didn’t seem like a lie. He was on his best behavior. I found it hurtful when he stopped behaving thoughtfully with me.
He made it clear I can still “have” him. Have sex with him. On his terms. Which I walked away from. So to answer your question, no, I don’t want him more just because I don’t have him.October 22, 2015 at 5:04 am #469465
I don’t know you have to trust your gut. If I see the situation as an outsider it might mean that he meant it at the time but wasn’t too sure after he said it and thats why he didn’t kept pursuing you.
Well, you don’t have him the way you want to have him, thats why I asked.
I’ve been where you are. Months later, I discovered I can’t even remember why I liked them so much, they weren’t worth it.October 22, 2015 at 8:46 am #469499
Some men will not stop you because of their egos and pride, you have it, they have it too. What did he do wrong; I would like to know because sometimes it is up to interpretation. Some men will let you go because they do not care but most will not stop you as very few men will beg, you can bet on that as that is why they are men. It is really difficult to know where this guy is coming from since you have not shared much of the background, what happened that made you leave, the things he did and said.
I did the same thing on my LDR boyfriend a few days ago, in fact I not only broke up but left in the middle of the night while he was sleeping. He did not stop me either when I broke up with him but I felt it was his pride and his insecurities too. In the morning we talked because we had business meetings planned for that day and I found out that he was completely devastated and wanted to call me three times overnight.
I think many times their pride stops them, I know my boyfriend told me that he was afraid that I would not answer the phone. Many will not admit this. I just think that eventually they will reach out if they really love you. In my case we had to talk because of business but it did turn into us deciding on trying later. For now. Time will tell. In my case he did nothing majorly wrong, he was just wanting to take time on commitment and felt pushed by me and I felt pushed away. Communication is key, if you have that and nothing changes, then you know it is time to let go.
In my case I realized the relationship went downhill into a negative cycle in part due to my negative attitude and insecurities. Once I changed to positive, it most definitely helped to go back to how it started, a wonderful relationship. Only time will tell if they are worth it.
It is difficult to say if it remains that way, if once a relationship goes toxic or negative whether you can turn it around. You can only try. It is better to leave as soon as you can before toxic dynamics are set. Then you still have a chance to turn it around.
I would be curious to know what you think went wrong with your relationship, if there may have been things that led to it that originated from your behavior in part. This can happen too. But it is also very possible that your guy is not emotionally available and the closeness led to him pushing you away. If you did matter to him, he will be back but now you can only let go and work on yourself and your life.
My advice in general would be to discuss your issues and problems before you walk and only decide to walk if you see no effort to solve the problems.October 22, 2015 at 9:02 am #469504
Never have sex with a man, unless you are ok with him walking away. Men do not bond through sex. It’s usuallu best to determine a man’s true interest and earn his heart first before getting physical. Otherwise, you have no idea if he is just looking for casual sex.. As in this case.
Regarding what he said? The more experience you gain, you will learn that men tend to say the same things to all the women they date. I had a few ex bf”s that cheated and when I spoke to the other women, I learned he used all the same pet phrases, compliments, sex techniques, etc. men tend to have a pattern and if it works with one woman he will keep using it with others. So never get too caught up on words.
If the man’s actions don’t match the words… He is just using words to string you along. Men know that women fall for such things.
You did good to walk away. He won’t come back to his good behavior, because he is not looking to seal the deal with you as a gf. He used all his charms to win you over, and now that he got you, he’s ready to move on or simply keep you around in case he wants sex or company.
He didn’t use you. He is simply casually dating. Women need to stop playing victim. You agreed to casual sex.October 22, 2015 at 9:12 am #469511
Thank you very much for your advice.
You hit the nail on the head about toxicity. I didn’t want to get caught up in a toxic cycle, so I thought the most mature thing to do was to end it before things got really negative.
When we had our first disagreement, I expected him to call me to work it out. He never did, so when I eventually contacted him, he said he thought I was really mad at him. I got the impression that he didn’t want to talk about what had happened, so I let it go. But he didn’t do anything to fix things between us. I thought if I guy really cared, nothing would stop him from trying to be with you. Since I concluded that he didn’t care, I felt I had to walk away. Now I wonder if I jumped the gun and didn’t give him the opportunity to fix things. I thought he had plenty of time and chances to do so.October 22, 2015 at 9:13 am #469513
My response was to Sthrnbelle. Thank you.October 22, 2015 at 9:14 am #469514
What was that argument about?October 22, 2015 at 9:21 am #469522
If this guy does have too much pride to come back to me after I said goodbye, then there is nothing I can do, right? I have too much pride to go back on my goodbye, so I’m trying to accept that I will never see him again. I’m trying.October 22, 2015 at 9:27 am #469525
You are frustrated right now, give it some time, you ll see more clearly. Aldo, he could be emotionally unevailable, or simply not care. Either way, It is not up to you to beg him either! Simply realize, that He is not changing so the deal you d get back would be the same! Do you want this? If its no longer convenient, you did the right thing to walk away, and no amount of thinking what if’s Will change him or the situation.October 22, 2015 at 9:47 am #469532
Yes Flower. I’m frustrated. But I’m glad I’m not as frustrated as I would’ve been if I had stuck around and not walked away. It feels like damned if I did, damned if I don’t.October 22, 2015 at 9:51 am #469535
You say you only dated him briefly and he’s already turned into a thoughtless inconsiderate jerk. And you say he showed you his true self after he got sex. You made the right decision here. He’s not going to go back to the wonderful guy who was chasing after you because now he’s got what he wanted.
You’re not going to regret this because you felt he was taking you for granted and treated you as a low priority. Why would you want to stay with someone like that? Yes it’s going to hurt but you are right that you need to leave with your self respect and your pride and not reach out to him.
But it’s a mistake to think a man is going to come running after you and fight for you when you’re rejecting him and walking away. I did the same thing to my ex. We broke up because he was busy with work and not making me a priority. He came back wanting to try things again and I wasn’t ready and didn’t feel like he was going to step up the relationship like I wanted. I walked away and told him that I didn’t want to talk to him or see him anymore. And I didn’t walk away because he wasn’t treating me well or he was taking me for granted. He was treating me great. When we did get back together I asked him about that. He said he took me at my word and didn’t contact me. But after I walked away is when he realized that he was in love with me. So in my experience most guys aren’t going to beg and plead for you to stay. They have the same pride and self respect we have and want to maintain. And much bigger egos!
And please stop believing that when a guy tells you how great the sex is and how hot and beautiful you are that he’s not telling that to all the other women he’s been with too. Do you know how many guys I’ve heard that from? Do you really think I believe I’m the best they’ve ever had? No, but it feels great when they say it in the moment. But sex isn’t enough to keep a guy around. They have to create an emotional connection with you.
So to answer your question… moving on is really the only thing you can do in this situation.October 22, 2015 at 10:00 am #469538
I agree, with flower I just let go a hiy myself who wouldn’t commit to me either all he did was play with my head like he wanted a future with me. But never done anything through actions so I walked away screw him I’m not about to continue to waste time on someone who isn’t sure, or don’t wanna be with me.. Move on from this guy if he truly wants you he would come back and prove it through his actions you did the right thing so stop second guessing yourself..October 22, 2015 at 10:02 am #469539
Thanks! I didn’t know if his compliments made any difference, so that’s why I asked. He and I did have an emotional connection and that’s why I felt safe sleeping with him.
I didn’t feel like I rejected him when I said goodbye. I thought he had rejected me by not stepping up and contacting me after our disagreement. I’d be surprised if he saw my goodbye as a rejection. Although I’m trying to accept that it’s over, I’d like to understand how he saw it. Understanding it would give me some peace of mind and help me learn from my mistakes.October 22, 2015 at 10:05 am #469541
Thanks for validating my decision to walk away. It helps. I’m sorry you’re going through a similar situation.October 22, 2015 at 10:13 am #469545
Well, this went wrong, but i would recommend learning how to adress issues with guys. Most don’t respond to ’emotional’ calls on how to behave, they crawl in their shell immediately. They also don’t look back at arguments or want to have another go at it. They do understand an appeal of what you like to have them do, talk about, etc. You have to be very literal, because most guys cant read between the lines.
And yeah, in this case he thinks you broke up because he couldn’t make you happy. And if he didn’t make you happy, then it was the right call.October 22, 2015 at 10:17 am #469547
M I’m sorry you’re hurting. I think it’s simple, while he is attracted to you physically & sexually, he is not emotionally attracted to you or he wouldn’t have changed for the worse & let you go. When he acted like he cared, it was acting, to get the sex & maybe maintain the sex but then his mask fell off & these are his true colors. A man who truly cares doesn’t treat you this way. It’s best you found out now than down the line. Guys can act like prince charming in order to get sex & once they get it they can change if that’s all they were in it for but know that he would’ve done this anyway so focus on the positive that you know sooner rather than later 🙂October 22, 2015 at 10:31 am #469558
Thank you for your kind words. I thought that after sex, even though he kept pursuing me for more, he wasn’t acting like a man that had loving or romantic feelings for me. So I thought it was a lost cause and had no choice but to walk away. I slept with him because I did believe that he and I had an emotional connection. It hurts to realize I was wrong about that.October 22, 2015 at 10:33 am #469561
Hi Newbie. Thanks. I think the same as you, so I didn’t get emotional with him. I just said that we don’t want the same things and said goodbye.October 22, 2015 at 11:20 am #469584
Yes, you did the right thing to walk away. Do not second guess that decision.
He has showed you he is not going to step up and give you what you wanted.From what you’ve said I am assuming that although you were not in a committed relationship, that is what you really wanted.
I am also assuming (so correct me if I am wrong) that you let him know before this happened what you are looking for, want and need. If this was only going to be on his terms then who needs that? Yes, in that case you are relinquishig all self respect and dignity, no one should ever do that.
Since we don’t ahve all the details, here is what I wiill say. And this isn’t just directed at you, but any woman who is finding it difficult to vet men, and specificailly vet them for the relationship you want.
-The very first thing you have to do, is be honest with yourself and clear on what you want The next step is not settling for less than that (whatever that is).
-Here is the first big step we must take with the other person. This is the one that can prevent almost any further heartache, but seems to be the thing many women can’t or wont do. And it’s having a general discussion with a new guy about what we are looking for. I think the two primary reasons this doesn’t happen is fear, and not being clear/sure in our own minds what our “deal breakers” are. If it helps, I’ll give you the example of the convo I had with my BF when we FIRST started talking. Also, I said this to let him know I wouldn’t allow him, or any guy to waste my time. So if he wasn’t on the same page, not only was I willing, but completely prepared to walk away. And by willing, it meant I was closely watching his words and his actions for proof. If he acted flaky, insincere, immature, unsure, or in any way disrespectul, I would have stopped it all (at any point) right then, and moved on.
This is what I said:
“I am at a point where casual dating, just for the sake of dating, does not interest me. As a single, working mom, I don’t have much free time. It’s precious. So the little bit I do have, is spent carefully and only on things and people that really matter to me, and deserving of my time. I would be interested in getting to know someone who wants to settle down and is not afraid of (and actually wants a committed, monogomous relationship, leading to marriage). Anything else is just a waste of my time.I am not interested in (or engage in) casual sex, or just a hookup, FWB, or some derivative of that.
This was all said in the context of a converastion about what we want in life, what we are looking for, and what goals and dreams we had. I was casual, but very firm (unwavering). I then shut up and just allowed him to speak. He was thoughfful and serious, and said he wanted the same thing at this point in his life, as a single dad. He told me he wanted that with me.
Yes, if we start to like someone it can be sad to think of walking away, but you have to. You and I are the only ones in any control of our own lives. Remember that, and don’t ever relinquish that control to another, because that is the real key to happiness and maintaining healthy self-esteem.
This guy of yours showed you in every way, that he is happy and content with having no strings sex with you. I don’t see signs of anything else.
So, if you are really wanting nothing less than a serious relationship, you don’t have sex with a man until you have that locked down (not to manipulate-yuck!) but because you respect yourself, and will not compromise on your core values. And when I say wait until you have the committed realtionship, you need to watch them for awhille to see if they are honest and sincere (in general as a person, and specifically with you) to make sure. Because there are unsavory people who will lie to get what they want. But if you have good boundaries, high self worth, and pay attention closely, you can weed out most of those people early and quickly. The exception to that is the narcissist, psychopath, or sociopath (serious detachment disorder/lack of empathy) individual. That is not the majority of people though.October 22, 2015 at 11:59 am #469612
M, I am so sorry you’re hurting.
“Aside from moving on, is there anything else I can do?” I think you are doing the right thing by moving on. By what you described, he knows how you feel about him. That leaves nothing else to do, but move on.
“Does the fact that he said I’m the hottest, most beautiful woman he’s known and the sex was so great make any difference? Since he felt that way about me and we had an emotional connection, I can’t understand how he could let me walk away so easily. I’m so confused and heartbroken.”
The fact that he said nice things does not make a difference in my opinion. I believe he is letting you walk away easy because he knows it is the right thing (unless of course you still wanted to have sex, which is why he made it clear you could still have him that way on his terms). I’ve been in situations where a man broke things off with me because he felt I didn’t want to seriously date him/our feelings didn’t match. While I really liked some of these guys (and let them know that), I let them go because deep down I knew they were right. I wasn’t as into it. I even offered to continue to hangout, knowing that I didn’t want anything longer term or committed with them.
He was no longer behaving like the guy you fell for, which is not good enough. He has shown you that he knows how to behave in order to “get you”. The fact that he is no longer behaving that way and that he let you walk shows that this guy is simply not worth it. Remember that there are guys out there who you will be just as (if not even more) attracted to physically, emotionally, etc AND who will make you feel like the most beautiful women he’s known. You won’t’ need to question whether or not he truly thinks that for a second.October 22, 2015 at 12:26 pm #469627
M – I had an almost identical experience to yours. Recently. I am still hurting from it, so hope you learn and avoid the same pain. In my case, he DID come back, but without changing anything and actually only making it worse. I took him back without any negotiations, and this is something I regretted badly. But looking back, I think that even if I did negotiate things with him, he would still do what he wanted to do, i.e. to keep me as his booty call while he was looking for a wife, but without behaving even with basic decency towards me. As soon as we started intimacy, he changed immediately, within minutes. He clearly told me, no more talking and calling each other as if we are dating, we are not dating, he stopped calling, stopped any kind of contact with me, except for once a week or intimacy, and later once every two weeks, etc. I broke up with him but suffered terribly. After the first breakup, when he came back, we had a few good meetups, and it felt wonderful (although he still managed to throw some disrespectful things at me, I remember them, I accepted them against my will, don’t know why, I still need to find an explanation to why) but then I allowed intimacy again, and with that, the disrespect gradually grew to the level of insults and purposeful humiliation, especially after intimacy. I felt so hurt, as if I had an open heart surgery with no anesthetics, so every time I’d try to break away, but my feelings for him were so strong I just couldn’t. So we had this toxic cycle where we’d break up every time. So as a result, I went through nearly six month of pain – needlessly and for no good reason.
For the love of yourself, do NOT take him back. If it hurts now, it will HURT 10 times more later on. With guys like that, things won’t get better. The very fact that he has changed so abruptly is very indicative of his character, it is about him, not you. And please have no doubts, he misses you big time. He is too proud to ask you back, but I think he will, as you said you did have an emotional connection. But you will get hurt the second time around much MORE. So stay away from this person. He is toxic and you don’t need his poison. When I first broke up with him I was in love but it was not as deep, this time (after several mini-attempts in between), it’s been almost 2 months now, the feelings are deeper, and it was MUCH harder.
I cried for weeks, trying to understand why he did what he did. There was no need to be like that at all, we could have discussed things and agreed on something. I did not want any future with him whatsoever, despite the fact that I loved him to pieces, I knew we were not for each other and our situations were just so out of sync, it is too long to describe, and I truly wished for him to find a loving wife, start a family, etc. (he was much younger).
The bottom line, there was no need for disrespect, insults, or anything nasty. And what’s funny, he kept insinuating and even saying that supposedly I am chasing him and he does not want it. But it was him who started everything, him who came back, him to always pushed for intimacy when we met, and until the last couple of times him to initiate contact. Even after this final breakup, he tried to call, did not leave a voice mail mind you (was probably looking for an ego boost, so I did not respond). His pride is clinically inflamed, and I think this happens when there are very strong insecurities deep down. My guy definitely suffers from both.
I know how hard it is to let go, awfully hard, I still love him, there was something between us that happens VERY rarely, I am older I know that, but even he knew that – and yet he had to piss on all that in an obnoxious way and for no good reason. He once agreed that he was that angry because we can’t be together, but now I think it was more of an excuse to be abusive. We could not be together for many reasons, but the main ones were outside of our control, so there was no real reason to be angry at me and subject me to all the disrespect, the kind of things he’d say, when I tell people about it they’d say “this guy is such bad news he’d have trouble with all women” or “what a dick of a guy, how did you not see it before”. And yet I still love him. But you know, even back before I found out about his character, I always felt he was not right for me, so I think I was sabotaging things half-consciously as well, for example, not telling him how I really feel, and other things (could it be you did the same?)
I agree with Phillygirl, this type of a guy is an exception, not the rule, thankfully, so give yourself 2-3 months and you will feel much better, I am not saying it will go away completely, but you will feel better. Stay away completely. He trapped you the first time around, he will do it again. He knows what he is doing. Remember that.October 22, 2015 at 1:17 pm #469651
Your sensitive reply really helps me to accept that I must move on emotionally. Thank you! My heart has to catch up with my action of walking away.October 22, 2015 at 1:19 pm #469652
It seems that you want a committed relationship and had the expectations of a committed relationship with him – except that you settled for less than that. You let yourself get close, emotionally and intimately, with a man that did not say that he also wanted a committed relationship. I’m not sure how you can be mad at him for not treating you like a GF when you were casually dating. Men are very literal – unless they make clear that they want to be committed, they aren’t.
I’m not really sure what he did or said to make you feel bad – but if it was being inconsiderate and not living up to your expectations – then part of this is the result of not wanting the same thing. But if he was truly mean to you – then don’t do what I suggest below. If he wasn’t, then it’s likely that you were hurt because of your expectations for his behavior. I’m sure you know which it is.
It seems like the two of you had terrible communication – you were walking around in the dark with each other. He knows he messed up – but doesn’t quite know how. You are mad at him – but probably mad at yourself too. If you guys are ever going to get together (at some point) – assuming he is attracted to you and you are to him – you have to hit reset – you have to have clarity and forgiveness.
First, you must decide what you are looking for. Then contact him and tell him that you forgive him and you feel bad that the two of you fought, and that you realize that the arguments were really about the confusion over what you both wanted. And then tell him what you are looking for. If it’s a committed relationship – I would say that you are looking for true love and happiness with the right man for you. You have to let him know that he may have not been looking for the same thing and that you understand and realize that now, and that its okay for him to want something different – and you want to leave things on a positive note. And then I would say good luck, I hope you find what you are looking for.
And then don’t contact him again. And move on and continue dating others, enjoy friends and other activities, go to the gym etc. Just forget him. If he contacts you later and makes it clear that he wants to try for a committed relationship – great, then take baby steps. If he contacts you for anything less – tell him no thanks.