Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Am I crazy for ending things? Please help!
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luna.
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Emma
I met a guy through my sister about two months ago. We are both going through really difficult times( He is 5 months out of a 5 year relationship in which they lived together and I have been sick with what doctors think is lyme disease for about a year). I am 29 and he is 31. We both live in NYC.
I had sworn off dating because of my health issues but after meeting him for the first time there was an instant connection. He also knew I was sick but getting better and was okay with that! Over the course of a month he came on strong, took me out on some really nice dinner dates, and cooked for me a few times but it never felt like it was progressing. He never made definitive weekend plans with me (his weekend plans were always filled with friends visiting, trips etc. previously planned I think to deal with all the time on his hands since being newly single). Our plans also never involved anything outside of dinner/ apt hangouts. There was no talk of activities, hanging with friends , things we’ll do in the future etc. Lastly, he always expected me to come to his apartment and never made much of an effort to come to mine.
Despite my growing reservations , after about a month in we slept together for the first time which was great but the next day I felt an emotional wall. The same wall I remember feeling when I had previously dated a guy fresh out of a long-term relationship a few years back. In which I swore to myself I would never do again.
A few days after the first time sleeping together I asked him to come to my apartment but he made an excuse it was too far. It was at that moment I decided this wasn’t the right fit for me right now. I can’t continue to nurture some guy fresh out of a relationship when I have my own issues (particularly my health ) to deal with! So I backed off, started making excuses why I couldnt see him, until finally I was direct via text that it felt like he was looking for something casual and I don’t think its for me. He responded right away that he doesnt think what we have is casual and I am the first person he has had feelings for since his ex. We ended up talking on the phone and turning over a new leaf (or so I thought!).
He was on vacation during this convo so it wasn’t until last Saturday did I see him for the first time since our talk. We went to dinner and I ended up drinking way too much. I was wasted and stupidly decided to bring up emotional stuff like his ex, if we were sleeping with other people etc. I can’t even remember all that I said! It was definitely a low point! The next morning he went to play golf so we didn’t have time to talk.
Over the next few days he withdrew slightly and I knew it was because of our talk but I didn’t want to pry. He asked me to dinner this past Wednesday and during dinner told me he likes me and wants to continue to see me but is scared of hurting me because he doesn’t know where this will go. He seemed to be okay with not sleeping with other people but kept on saying he was scared of hurting me. I apologized for Saturday and told him I had too much to drink etc. and that we should should go with the flow. Unfortunately while I was saying this I knew deep down inside it just didn’t feel right because I sort of felt like giving the relationship a death sentence before it even started!. Dinner ended and I suggested going back to his apt but he seemed strangely guarded and pretty much made it clear we were going our separate ways.
For some reason this made me incredibly emotional and I got in the cab without kissing him goodbye and made this decision this was just too much for me to handle right now. He texted me right away asking what was wrong and I explained to him via text I was hurt he didn’t want me to come back with him in which he said he was trying to me mindful of me coming to his apt all the time & that he had to get home to his dog, etc. I told him that for whatever reason it just feels like the timing is off and that we shouldn’t talk right now and take a break.
He agreed timing may not be on our side but that he really cares about me and my decision doesn’t exactly feel right. I told him that I was sorry but taking a break may be for the best. He basically said he’d respect that and was always here if I needed to talk & we would see if we were drawn together in the future. This was all on Thursday & we haven’t talked since.
As time goes on I am somewhat regretting my decision and feel like I was impatient and dramatic and possibly ruined something good. This is the first guy in awhile in which I feel a strong mutual connection! The problem is for whatever reason it was causing me so much anxiety , emotional stress etc. which is very hard to deal with with my physical health stuff going on! The idea of getting strung along for months as a rebound was too much to deal with! But I also feel like the first 1-2 months of dating is always slightly ambiguous and I need to learn to deal with my emotions! At this point, is it best to stick to my word and give it space? Or will that push him away further? Do I scream immature and insecure or was my decision for the best given the circumstances? I am so scared I let go of something good! help!
T from NY
Emma — stop doubting yourself. You absolutely did the right thing. When we meet people and are looking for a long term relationship — so many things need to line up. Your gut is telling you what you know to be true and SO is HE.
You are ready for love. You want to be on a journey with someone. This man is grieving/ reorienting /processing the end of a years-long partnership.
You can have the best chemistry in the world but the man has to be ready and willing. He likes you. He finds comfort in you. But he knows he is not in a place to give his heart.
Who knows what the future will hold. But for now — He told you so. You listened. Lean into the peace that comes from knowing you did what was best for you — look for a man that’s open and ready — you deserve that joy.
Ashley
You were honest & that is best. Don’t feel bad. It’s good you were honest otherwise, like he said, you’d be getting hurt. You’d keep investing in someone who isn’t on the same page as you. Just chill for a while, take care of yourself, do things to make you happy, clear your head by not talking to him for a while, & let him come to you.
Tom
Emma-
Stay the NC course. There’s a reason why you chose that (even if it is subconscious). If after a month you still have this need to contact him then do it. He said he would be there if you needed him. So A) find out if you can live w/o him. B) if you contact him then you’ll find out whether he is still there for you and still into you. Questions answered.
Date others. Don’t sleep w/ anyone. Work on making you better emotionally and physically.
And believe that what you are doing is the right course of action. GL (instead of texting him, post here instead for support when you have doubt)
M
I always recommend the books Wired for Love by Dr.Stan Tatkin and Five Minute Relationship Repair by Susan Campbell and John Gray. Dr. Tatkin’s audio program Your Brain on Love is also fantastic. It’s basically an expanded version of his Wired for Love book, that goes much more in-depth. I’d start with the books first.
It’s not a matter of whether you were right or wrong to end things. When we make decisions in the heat of the moment, we often regret or question those decisions. So it’s best to sit back and observe, set boundaries (like agreeing to see him still but saying you need more time and a more solid relationship before you have any more sex with him, as one example) and then pay attention to how you feel over time, how the general vibe is over a period of time, whether you see improvement, etc.
I would recommend taking some time to read both of those books before you decide whether or not to reach out to him again. If he contacts you in the interim, you can politely respond and very briefly say something like, “I do feel I was hasty with my decision and I’m sorry if I was disrespectful or cruel. I need some time to think before I decide whether we should talk again.” or something like that.
What do you think?
alia
When you meet someone, who really is ready for a relationship and ready for a relationship with you, there are no doubts like this. Clearly no one knows what will happen tomorrow, but there is never this feeling of an impending doom so to speak. It’s more of an excitement for what the future holds, and a feeling of contentment and peace. When someone truly loves you and wants to get to know you, you will feel it. This guy is not it. You made the right call.
Emma
Thank you all for the replies! It is very difficult walking a way from a guy who is telling you he has feelings for you, thinks you’re an incredible person , feels a connection , etc. My biggest fear is he has lost the attraction he had for me because of my decision. And that my decision was based on insecurity and fear or future rejection that may not have anything to do with him? What if I compromised it all and continue to do with men in the future ? Even though I felt uneasy I liked this guy so so much ! I feel heartbroken! Ugh I hope the NC thing was smart :(
Tom
Emma-
Control what you can control and let go of stuff you can’t. You can come from a place of fear and insecurity bc you will project with your interactions with others. Simply things Don’t overthink everything. Except things fir what they are. Focus on making you a better version of you. Focus on being a nice person to others. Focus on giving to others, not on taking from others. Be a positive force in others lives. GL
Tom
Typo – you CANT come from a place of fear…
M
I always recommend the books Wired for Love by Dr.Stan Tatkin and Five Minute Relationship Repair by Susan Campbell and John Gray. Dr. Tatkin’s audio program Your Brain on Love is also fantastic. It’s basically an expanded version of his Wired for Love book, that goes much more in-depth. I’d start with the books first.
I would recommend taking some time to read both of those books before you decide whether or not to reach out to him again. What do you think?
Pop
NC is smart. I went through this about less than 2 months a go with my ex boyfriend. Exactly that, he thinks I’m incredible, we have connection, strong feelings for me and he said he was crazy for not being able to but just cannot commit to long term and doesn’t want to hurt me. He seemed to still want to continue the relationship, but I said good bye. I haven’t contacted him and he hasn’t. I still think about him daily and I miss him but eventually I hope I can get him out of my system. I had the best physical connection with him so it’s been hard for me.
Ashley
“If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t, nothing can make him stay”
Just let it go & let it out of your hands. This type of stress comes from trying to have control over the outcome & when you realize you have no ultimate “control” over this, you’ll start to feel better. Try to relax :)
You seriously did not make a mistake (even though you feel like you did)
You need to clear your head is all
M
“If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t, nothing can make him stay”
Ashley, I respectfully disagree. There is some truth to this, but like all true-isms, they are generally only true some of the time. (in my experience, at least). We don’t know this man, we don’t know his motivations. Emma barely knows this man, we know even less.
Emma, I can’t say whether it was the right thing or the wrong thing or if this guy will hurt you or not. It does sound like a challenging interaction, right from the start. That’s not usually a great sign. However, I dated a guy who was having similar challenges (we didn’t sleep together for a couple months, though) and when I tried to break up with him he made it clear that he really liked me. It was incredibly confusing because, in my mind, he didn’t consistently behave like he liked me. He was hot and cold and not good at keeping in touch between dates, etc. But he asked me to be patient with him. I had my own reasons for giving him a chance and I went into it with the attitude of it being a learning experience. He said he wanted to do better and he was willing to put in the work. Now, he completely adores me. It takes men longer to bond with women. I’m not saying this guy is the right guy. I have no idea. All I’m saying is if you’re not 100% calm and sure that you made the right decision, why not take some time to learn some new skills and see how you feel in a couple weeks. I think part of the stress of all this is trying to figure out what is the right decision based on very limited time and information.
jt
Nope…i agree with ashley
kaye
The first 2 months should be amazing!! It shouldn’t be hot and cold, you making all the effort to go to his place, him making you all emotional. At best your are a rebound and you were feeling this way because you could tell he wasn’t making the effort to progress things. He has a wall up. He’s emotionally unavailable. He’s on the rebound. However you want to describe it this wasn’t working and you were right to walk away before you got any deeper and got hurt.
Kate
Emma, I think you made the right decision.
I’ve just gone through a similar situation and made the same decision as you and it’s the right one. Like Kaye said, the first few months shouldn’t be THAT hard. Relationships are supposed to be about mutual input and respect. I’m not saying this guy didn’t respect you or like you, I’m sure he did but it sounds like he just wasn’t in the same place as you and you deserve to find someone who will give you what you want.
I dated a guy for 3 months- he came on very eager and strong at first but once it got more serious, thats where the cracks started to show, this seems a little like your experience too. I’m not going to lie, it’s hard and I miss the guy I was with but I think it’s important we all remember that if we want a successful, fulfilling relationship, we deserve it. It sounds like you’re feeling the same way but the most important thing to do is to get physically better and either he will come back or you’ll find someone else who deserves to be with you.
redcurleysue
With your illness hanging over your head you do not need stress. And this was obviously stress.
I think you need a break right now. In a month or two you may feel better and are in a better place to handle dating. He is not that good a bet being out of a long relationship and you know it so he might hurt you.
Take your time, there is no fire…and he is non committal so you lost nothing.
jackie
Emma – excuse him for not knowing so fast if you are the life of his life!
I would just give it time, if you like him and think it is mutual, keep dating him, it is the only way to find out if you two are compatible.
Of course, dont invest until you knwo where you stand with him.Anne
Forget about this guy. Actions speak louder than words. He’s not interested in you for anything serious, and his behavior (not the words coming out of his mouth) make that clear. Tell him you don’t want to continue, then block him from your phone and social media and move on with your life.
Emma
Thank you all for your responses . Not to harbor on this but I am having a really difficult time with NC today. I felt like I was way too impatient and when I previously told him how I was worried it was casual he made a concerted effort to step it up by being more in touch. I feel like after dating a guy for 6 weeks and only sleeping together twice I got crazy way too soon and may have missed out on something good!! Ugh
Emma
He also never told me he didn’t want anything serious and didn’t resist the talk about not sleeping with other people ! This is what makes me think I jumped the gun! I feel like I need to call him :(
Tom
At the end if the day Emma, it’s your life. You can pretend you don’t want him in your life but that doesn’t sound true. Gotta be you Emma. Do you. GL
Emma
Still haven’t reached out and I’m completely obsessing over it! Part of me thinks I definitely made the right decision and it is HIS loss while the other part of me thinks I was impatient and really hurt his feelings by being so abrupt with the no talking without giving a clear explanation. I wish I expressed to him that I needed a break because I felt like things weren’t progressing but instead I said “it was nothing you did it’s just bad timing.” I guess at the time, I didn’t think I had to explain to a guy who was really into me why he should want to see me more and integrate me into his life. One detail I forgot to add is I texted him 3 days after asking for a break seeing if he was okay after the NYC bombing ( he lives right there). He told me he was and that was it. So essentially I feel like I left the door open and maybe he’s just not knocking…do I let go!? I don’t know why I feel so inclined to say something I care for him so much!
C
There is one very clear thing here that you need to focus on.. “He is 5 months out of a 5 year relationship in which they lived together.” Five YEARS. You have only known him for two months and he’s only been broken up for 5. So the fact he told you
“Despite my growing reservations , after about a month in we slept together for the first time which was great but the next day I felt an emotional wall. The same wall I remember feeling when I had previously dated a guy fresh out of a long-term relationship a few years back. In which I swore to myself I would never do again.”
There is a reason why the women here tell you not to get involved with a guy fresh out of a long term relationship and why you swore to yourself you would never do it again!! You took your own advice, made the right decision and now you’re wavering. Don’t do it. Trust your gut! You had reservations, you felt a wall, this wasn’t your imagination. This man wouldn’t even bother to come to your place, he didn’t talk about plans for the future, you didn’t meet his friends, so he wasn’t that into you. In addition it was causing you anxiety, emotional stress and making you insecure when you already have health issues. Did you just forget all that stuff?
C
What happened there?!? It should say, so the fact he told you that you were the first woman he had feelings for since his ex means nothing when he’s only been single for 5 months!!
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