This topic contains 25 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by 1 month, 1 week ago.
May 16, 2022 at 12:41 pm #933565
I’ve been dating a guy for about 3 weeks now and I’ve noticed what I think are some red flags and was wondering what you all think and if it were you, would you end things?
He is moving way too fast for me. Like already wants to be bf/gf, dropping “I think I could fall in love with you” etc. It makes me feel like he just wants a girlfriend and doesn’t really like me specifically.
He’s gotten pouty a few times now about needing extra reassurance and love. When I asked what I’m not doing enough of he wouldn’t say and says I’m doing fine and he’s just saying that’s what he needs. I’m like ok then why bring it up if everything’s fine?
Gotten pouty a few times about not having sex. I told him I’m just not super sexual of a person but like it sometimes and he’s the opposite and wants it all the time and seems to pout and take it personal if I don’t want to.
Last, I’ve gotten some jealous vibes. My sister found her guy friends watch in my couch all the way back from Thanksgiving and it must have gotten lost in there. This guy got all jealous about it and kept making comments about how it was weird and a stupid watch etc. Like wtf haha it’s just really a turn off to me.
All these things I’ve noticed have kind of turned me off and I don’t even really feel into him anymore. I was just wondering if these things would be red flags to you also?
Thanks everyoneMay 16, 2022 at 12:52 pm #933566
Maybe you just are not compatible. Some of these seem like caution flags in my opinion. But everyone moves at their own paces in relationships.
Why are you with this guy? That’s the question you should be asking yourself. It sounds like you either are not compatible or that you just don’t like him in general.
The early dating period is to get to know someone to see if you want a long-term partnership with that person. It sounds like you are finding out that maybe he just isn’t the correct fit for you.May 16, 2022 at 1:16 pm #933567
What are the good things?May 16, 2022 at 1:24 pm #933569
I liked him because we have a lot in common and share the same opinions. He’s really thoughtful and seems to listen to what I say and remember. But after noticing these other things I don’t know that it makes up for it. I can’t really handle pouty and jealousMay 16, 2022 at 1:27 pm #933570
Only you can answer this. What’s your system for decisions about men?
No one’s perfect. You have to decide what the dealbreakers are for you. Type and quantity.
In my book:
Marked differences in sexual appetite – red flag
Jealousy over little things – red flag
Lovebombing – red flag
In the first 1-2 months of dating, you’re observing and watching out for yellow flags (cautionary) or red flags (dealbreakers now or likely to be down the road). In my book, that’s three red flags and that’s too many in the first month for me to continue.
Get a system like this. Makes it a lot easier. Also I once had a friend who kept a dating diary and wrote down the pro’s and con’s she was observing on dates. Then it was crystal clear to her what the patterns were.
Trust your gut. Not enough women do. Sounds like you know this one is not going anywhere. It’s OK to break it off.May 16, 2022 at 1:29 pm #933571
Pouty & jealous = manipulation… Is this how you want to live??May 16, 2022 at 1:41 pm #933573
Thanks for the responses! I think you’re both right and this isn’t the right fit. I think sometimes it’s hard cus dating is so tiring and it would be nice to just find someone already but yeah I can’t ignore these flags and think I’ll be happier in the long run if I end things.May 16, 2022 at 2:07 pm #933575
I feel eventually you won’t be able to breathe.May 16, 2022 at 3:24 pm #933577
Taylor, you’re right, yoy will you be much much happier AND you’ll be much much safer in the long run when you end things!
The opposite doesn’t bear thinking about. What you’re seeing are the early signs of emotional abuse. The other posters are right about these being red flags and manipulation.
They’re ALL worrying signs. Just think about this one as a stand-alone even – You’ve only been dating 3 weeks and he’s already being passive aggressive about sex. I would say Run! Run fast and run hard. This guy is seriously bad news. Anyone who enters into a relationship with him does so at their extreme peril.
Taylor, you’re smart to listen to your intuition and question behaviour that makes you uneasy. Kudos. 👍🌟May 16, 2022 at 3:26 pm #933578
Saying goodbye to this one takes you closer to finding the real deal. He’s out there honey, and when you meet him, it’s going to be such a joy….
*Believe! ✨✨✨May 16, 2022 at 3:42 pm #933579
It sounds like you’re already doing the right thing, but I’ll chime in that I agree with the others. If you’re seeing behaviors that make you uncomfortable this early on, it’s a sign that you and this guy are not a good match.
If the guy is right for you then 3 weeks in you’re entering the honeymoon period where everything about the guy seems awesome and you click beautifully. He should be on his best behavior and want to make a good impression, and make you happy. If you’re getting jealous vibes, have marked differences in sexual appetite, and feel he’s rushing things– he’s not the one for you, no matter how much you have in common.May 16, 2022 at 5:57 pm #933586
Whilst I totally agree with what Liz Lemon (whose name I really love by the way! Why are you called this?!? It’s such a fab username!) and everyone has said, I just wanted to add that this is more than not just a good match.
What he’s doing is testing Taylor to see if she concedes or not and how malleable she is. If she reveals that she has low enough self-esteem and weak boundaries , he knows that this is someone he can easily manipulate and control, and he will reel her in on one hand with all the niceties, and gradually escalate the control on the other hand until he’s fully got her in his grip and she feels she can’t speak up for fear of a backlash.
Mary put it perfectly “I feel eventually you won’t be able to breathe.”May 16, 2022 at 6:40 pm #933588
M – “Liz Lemon” is a character on the TV show 30 Rock.May 16, 2022 at 7:20 pm #933590
Haha yes, that’s where i got the name, Angiebay’s right. I think I was watching the show the first time I posted on this site so I just used the name on a whim. And for consistency I’ve kept it ever since.May 17, 2022 at 11:39 am #933628
Broke up with him last night!
He definitely tried acting like he didn’t do the things I mentioned, that “he’s not a jealous person” and said that I was assuming things.
I said I’m forming opinions based on things you’ve said and done. Basically he did not get away with it haha.
Thanks for all the responses!May 17, 2022 at 1:13 pm #933631
I did it. But next time consider doing it kindly. There’s no reason to give him a long list of the things he did wrong when you break up with him. Simply say thank you so much for our time together I really enjoyed getting to know you and I don’t think we’re compatible. If he asked specifically why, just say there was nothing you did wrong, we are just not a match.May 17, 2022 at 1:42 pm #933634
Exactly what Tallspicy just said. You could have broken it off kindly.
I’m going to disagree with M and the inferring that this guy is manipulative, abusive or controlling. It irks me that every time a woman and man are not compatible someone has to make the guy out to be this bad guy. Sometimes it’s just a matter of timing and compatibility.
Someone out there may be on the same timetable as him, have the same wants for sex and more understanding of where the jealousy is stemming from. I would like to think that is a possibility.
Also, I don’t think it is that wrong that after 3 weeks or so he wants you to be his gf or make the relationship exclusive especially if you were having sex. He literally wants to take you off the market of being available to other men. Men know fairly quickly if they see you as girlfriend, fwb or just friends. They don’t often say anything until around the 3-4 month mark when a woman puts pressure on them to define the relationship.May 17, 2022 at 2:03 pm #933635
“I’m going to disagree with M and the inferring that this guy is manipulative, abusive or controlling. It irks me that every time a woman and man are not compatible someone has to make the guy out to be this bad guy. Sometimes it’s just a matter of timing and compatibility.”
Totally agree with Gaia on this. I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship in my younger days so I know what it’s like. But the majority of guys are not like that. Sometimes you’re just not compatible, and it doesn’t mean the guy is a bad person. I don’t see any screaming red flags from what the OP wrote that indicate the guy is abusive or controlling– being pouty doesn’t make him an abuser. It makes him unappealing to date, but not an abuser.May 17, 2022 at 5:36 pm #933640
Not sure where you got that I wasn’t kind to him. I did start off telling him I think he’s a great person and we just aren’t right for each other. But if he’s going to ask specific questions then I don’t mind letting him know so he can maybe change things in the future if he decides to.
But if I’m told I’m assuming things which isn’t the case, then I’m going to speak up. It ended very nicely. Neither of us were unkind.
I personally think that pouting for not receiving sex is manipulating.May 17, 2022 at 7:23 pm #933644
I think you did right Taylor. We are too trained not to tell the truth for fear of upsetting someone or hurting their feelings. He asked and you politely told him why – you gave the feedback in the spirit of giving him the opportunity to learn so he can do something different next time. That’s a lot different than throwing insults at someone when you break it off with them. This resonates with me because I had to end a friendship yesterday and this person asked for an explanation and I told her constructively. She thanked me for the feedback and told me she understand, and that she had some things to think about. I also agree that pouting when not getting sex because it’s a new relationship is manipulative and childish.May 17, 2022 at 10:29 pm #933650
Yes, pouting is manipulative & is a very unattractive quality in a partner.
But it’s a bit much to deduce that “he knows that this is someone he can easily manipulate and control, and he will reel her in on one hand with all the niceties, and gradually escalate the control on the other hand until he’s fully got her in his grip and she feels she can’t speak up for fear of a backlash”.
That’s quite a reach. We don’t know enough about this guy to come to that conclusion. I think that’s the point Gaia was trying to make.
Pouting and acting jealous is definitely enough reason to stop seeing the guy! But the OP doesn’t have to jump from that to deciding that he’s controlling and will escalate and have her living in fear once he’s “got her in his grip”. Having a paranoid or overly negative mindset– assuming the absolute worst of guys– will not serve you well in dating and relationships.May 17, 2022 at 11:21 pm #933651
Yes there is a lack of compatibility, but it’s his response to it that I’m highlighting. Someone acting “pouty” (passive aggressive) when they don’t get what they want, is a concerning character trait. Especially so early on.
Who does that? Maybe we all do from time to time… when we feel we’re unable to communicate effectively. But look at the patterns emerging from this guy. And so early on in the relationship as the other posters remarked on too, when you’d expect him to bring his A-game and/or it be the honeymoon phase maybe.
It’s because he’s pushing boundaries and seeing what he can get away with. This is atypical of emotionally abusive and manipulative behaviour.
The jealousy I understand, and wanting reassurance I understand. They’re driven by low self-esteem and insecurity and who hasn’t been there at some point in their lives or other?
The issue for me is that he’s behaving in a way designed to make her feel bad so she will change her behaviour to be in line with his expectations. That’s something no woman should be okay with, so I interpret that as being more than a compatibility issue.
If I was so strong in my response to Taylor, it’s because I care about what happens to her and I want to highlight just what a bad fit it is and why. If she ever comes across something like this again in the future, I want her to recognise the flags even earlier on next time rather than just see if she can get past compatibility issues. Early identification = less pain + moving on to healthy relationship and real love all the faster.May 17, 2022 at 11:37 pm #933652
I’ve just read the rest of your posts. Yes I could be wrong, though I don’t think I am. I’ve been through some tough times and studied this area intensely as a result. What I’ve noticed is that certain patterns emerge that give an eerily accurate prediction of what one can expect in the future. There’s a lot of research to back this too.
One of my best friend’s has a boyfriend where there are compatibility issues and he pouts from time to time. But it’s very different to the situation Taylor is describing and I would not interpret him as having controlling or abusive tendencies. (He’s a poor communicator and lacks emotional immaturity that is all.)
Still I accept what you’re saying and that I could be wrong about the guy Taylor happily said goodbye to. Let’s hope so.May 17, 2022 at 11:48 pm #933653
NB I meant “typical” and not “atypical” above
(Really need to proof better before I post!)May 18, 2022 at 1:09 am #933655
I too agree with Gaia. too soon to come to the conclusion that the guy is a manipulator. he comes across as a love bomber and they don’t seem a gud fit sexually.