This topic contains 20 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Nellie 1 month, 3 weeks ago.
August 7, 2022 at 6:44 am #935522
Met the sweetest guy on a dating app, very handsome. The first date and early dates, he seemed quite insecure and inexperienced. He sent me a message after our first date saying ‘I hope you fancy me? Couldn’t tell if you were just being friendly.’ I thought that strange. He also sent messages like ‘I’ve had a great time flirting with you his evening.’
He seemed very into me, soppy messages, he was caring and attentive. He even said ‘I’m a nice guy don’t worry.’
But 3 months in, that completely changed. He was critical about everything, grumpy, made me insecure about some of my personality traits. He talked about his multiple ex girlfriends (he has 4) non stop even in front of my friends. He called me manipulative when I asked him why he’s always on his phone around me. He never ever took me on dates or did any kind gesture. He would get food for himself and not offer me. He never even bought me a coffee he would just ask for the money. That shy insecure man I first met wasn’t there anymore it was so confusing
He dumped me whilst crying and said that he has issues that he needs therapy for and was with me because he was lonely. That was hurtful.August 7, 2022 at 9:32 am #935524
He didn’t change, he just finally showed you who he was…
My question for you- Why did you put up with his BS?August 7, 2022 at 9:38 am #935525
Great question.August 7, 2022 at 9:42 am #935526
If a guy has to tell you, “I’m a nice guy don’t worry” it’s time to get worried…August 7, 2022 at 9:49 am #935527
“he has issues that he needs therapy for”
That’s the answer to your question in the subject line.August 7, 2022 at 10:26 am #935529
I don’t know. He was new to the country and didn’t have his life sorted. When I addressed things, he said I don’t know how hard it was for him moving countries and started crying. I didn’t want to be demanding. I thought ‘only time will tell.’ I felt a little bad for him, I was his only friend. I was holding on to the man I met at the start, I thought he was depressed and that it would come back when he feels betterAugust 7, 2022 at 10:40 am #935530
He sounds terrible! Why did you keep meeting him? Nxt time pls value urslf more and dont entertain such cheapos,!!August 7, 2022 at 10:58 am #935532
I know. He was attentive and caring in the early days. He was a very attractive man and seemed proud to be dating me. He wasn’t pushy about sex which is the experience I’ve had my whole life. He said ‘I don’t know if you know this but I’m quite nice.’ I really thought he was and I felt confident planning things for us to do and supporting him. I got anxious over time and I didn’t know why.
I started to feel icky around him. Went from finding him the sexiest man I’ve ever met to being completely grossed out. I started to panic I was asexual or something or maybe this is normal when you’re not being treated right ?August 7, 2022 at 11:54 am #935534
No, it’s totally normal to feel icky and grossed out around someone when they’re not treating you right.
You can trust your intuition. The more you date, the more refined and brilliant it gets in guiding you.
When you meet a guy that’s even more attractive on the inside than he is on the outside, you’ll see that beauty and attraction are inside jobs.
This guys mask was beautiful, but what lay beneath was ugly.
It was him, not you.
You’ll find both, keep looking. This was a learning experience. Now you’re wiser and savvier, as you progress on your path to finding a guy who’s genuinely kind and respectful inside out – and all the sexier for it.August 7, 2022 at 12:04 pm #935536
Nxt time pls dont entertain such guys. He showed his true colors so many tms. Yet u didn’t cut off.
Initially most of us are at our best behaviour. But the more u interact the more you know. By the way who keeps complimenting themselves? Thats so annoying.August 7, 2022 at 1:49 pm #935542
M 💯, yes!! “If a guy has to tell you, “I’m a nice guy don’t worry” it’s time to get worried…”
He’s also emotionally unstable. I’ve had a couple guys over the years ask after a couple dates if I was actually interested. This generally turned out to be because was I was trying to get to know them before getting physical instead of racing into it, and always a red flag. At best, we were not compatible because they couldn’t read my effort as interest. At worst, they were terribly insecure and “nice guys” who didn’t actually respect women, and they were on a much faster timetable to rush either physical or *emotional* intimacy (or both!) than I was. If they were emotionally unstable, they saw women as providers of validation to them, and that only lasts a couple months before the new relationship excitement wears off and they feel bad about themselves again and take it out on others.
This experience was lousy, and I’m sorry for that, but a really great one to have and learn from, I promise! It will serve you well after you’ve taken the time to recover and get over it. Consistency and stability over time is key for a healthy relationship that can make it longer-term. He had neither of those. Trust yourself when you feel anxiety or loss of attraction after a guy is acting off even if you can’t put your finger on why, especially if he’s suddenly changed a lot versus early dating. That’s normal to happen when the situation isn’t matching up somehow and generally means it’s not the right situation for you.
Also, it was nice of you to be concerned how he was adjusting to a new country, but it wasn’t your responsibility. It was his. You barely knew him yet! You should not be his everything or his entire support system. That would make anyone feel icky and uncomfortable as well. Think about if you might tend to be a giver to your own detriment, because not giving your own needs enough attention can lead to staying in situations too long.August 7, 2022 at 2:26 pm #935544
I’m sure I will learn from it. I wish I didn’t take so much of a masculine role with planning dates and being a big support to him. Maybe if I didn’t do that, it would have worked out. I’ve never had a healthy relationship and I hope that’s not my fault
Also after the breakup I’ve been obsessively posting online. I’ve felt crazy. I’ve used it as a way to vent but I feel bad about it now.
Also, I haven’t felt attracted to anyone since the breakup. I hope I feel it again one day
Perhaps I just was a source of validation, especially as he felt bad about his financial situation etcAugust 7, 2022 at 6:20 pm #935551
I don’t think it has to do with you taking a masculine role, but it does have to do with who you are choosing to date. If you’ve never had a healthy relationship, it probably means you don’t naturally know how to tell red flags from green ones because you’ve probably had to tolerate and accept a lot of BS in your life before you even started dating… so you end up seeing questionable behavior as normal enough until it gets bad enough for the answer to be clear. That is probably all you’ve ever known, so why should it seem different when guys you’re getting to know act that way.
The general dating advice not to take too much initiative at the beginning helps because it reveals if the guy is willing to put in effort to get to know you. But as you’ve learned, it’s not foolproof because a guy can be a love bomber and act super into you and then he’ll switch off just as fast because his feelings weren’t really about you, they were about himself.
If you see patterns in your relationships, and they seem to go a certain way each time when they don’t work out, it may be helpful to look into insecure attachment styles. I used to only choose emotionally unavailable men without realizing it, and I had to work on my own insecurities to turn things around. Once you’re stronger in recognizing and honoring your own needs, behavior like this guy’s gets unattractive much sooner. So it becomes less about being vigilant for red flags and more about knowing you deserve better and not making excuses for a guy or tolerating less.August 7, 2022 at 7:30 pm #935555
Yeah I got bullied in school and that took a toll. I’m proud of who I’ve become today but I find it hard to keep lasting friendships or relationships. A lot of people I meet are so closed off. I try my best to make friends but it doesn’t last. I told my ex this. I was worried our relationship wouldn’t last and when it was going well I even shared that if we didn’t work out, I hope we can have a friendship. Even my ex never spoke to me again when he dumped me.. despite staying friends with all 4 of his ex girlfriends before me
Which does make me wonder what’s wrong with me. He even still talked to them all, and liked their photos. He was constantly whatsapping this other girl he was sleeping with last year but now they’re just friendsAugust 7, 2022 at 10:52 pm #935559
You don’t know anything about those exes or how they all treat each other. Him wanting to be friends with them reflects zero on there being anything wrong with you. I had an ex who tried to stay friends with everyone because he didn’t know how to let go of any options (yet “friends” was still only on his terms), and it just reflected that he was stuck instead of getting serious about new relationships. Him staying friends actually turned out to be an immature and toxic thing, and had very little to do with the exes. So there’s no need for you to compare yourself to anyone or try to gauge your value that way.August 8, 2022 at 12:11 am #935562
Your story is an example of why it is important for a person to date slowly in order to gauge the person’s emotional health. It is impossible to have a good relationship without without good emotional health by both partners.August 8, 2022 at 12:53 am #935564
I am so sorry that you have been dealing with this Creep!
I find that his Insecurity took the form of Alternate Positions at the Beginning and End of your Association. At first, he was seeking Validation; and then he Ended-Up Deflecting his Insecurity onto you.
Good for you for DODGING THIS BULLET!
It is disgusting that he Mooched-Off of you for Money! I was watching this Reality-Show on Dating where an Individual Reflected that NO Gentleman will EVER Ask a Woman for Money!
I had actually in the Past been in such an ICKY Situation with a Man that Smooth-Talked me into Paying for everything. It was especially DISGUSTING when he Requested one of my Water-Bottles when he should have picked-up on that I was clinging-onto the Water desperately–being-that I have Polydipsia (which I then found it not appropriate to Spell-Out to him). His Behavior of Sneaking-into the Miniature Golf-Course without Paying Opened My Eyes Up to his DISGUSTING CHEAPNESS and MOOCH-OFF of me throughout our Association.
SO: You are MUCH BETTER-OFF without this Low-Life Loser!
Good Luck!August 8, 2022 at 6:08 am #935567
He didn’t ask for money as such, he just wasn’t generous in anyway so he never bought me a coffee or a meal, naturally I would pay for things for him.
He was a big social media user during the relationship. But since breakup, I just notice he never comes on WhatsApp anymore when we were dating he was texting all the time. I was his only friend in this country, makes me wonder what he’s doing lol. He does keep following and commenting on these anime cosplay girls on tiktok who speak in baby voices which I find a bit weird.
The exes he stayed friends with all work as actresses. My ex wants to be an actor. Maybe he feels staying in touch will benefit him in a way? I felt like he was a bit of a user because the last day I ever saw him, he was moaning about how his mate said he would find him a job when he moved to this country but he ended up having to find jobs himself and apply
I dunno if it’s normal for me not to have lasting friendships and relationships in my 20s. I’m not toxic at all. I’m scared I’ll never find anyone attractive again too, not felt it since the breakup. My ex was my exact type and very handsome and scared it’s broke me foreverAugust 8, 2022 at 6:41 am #935568
Heyy calm down. Its ok if you arnt frnds wid your exes! Dont judge urslf so harshly. We all at tms go through lull in life whr we sudnly feel we are alone. Or our close frnds are sudnly not there. Dont let this thing not working out mess up ur head. We all know hes not that big a catch.. why put urslf down for smone like him? And for gods sake stop stalking him and analysing all his moves on social media
stop it. Move on.August 8, 2022 at 7:57 am #935569
stalking him won’t help you, I did it before with insta when i was checking when someone was online… waste of time , they could be texting friends, group chats etc it means absolutely nothing.
you keep saying he was attractive, but that just looks, he had nothing else to offer and you need to realise this!August 8, 2022 at 12:58 pm #935571
That’s why I bolt whenever I hear a man calls himself “nice guy”, or whines about how “nice guys finish last”.
Beware of these NiceGuys™, they are the most manipulative and violent. They are the WORST.