Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Why is he avoid seeing our mutual friends with me?
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Hayley.
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Hayley
I have been seeing this guy for about 2 months now. We met through mutual friends so some of our friend know we started seeing each other. I talked to my close friends about him since she know a bit about him, but I recently got told that he doesn’t do the same.
One of our mutual friend who didn’t know we were seeing each other asked him if he was seeing me and he just said he was but keep it on the down low. So at the start he wanted to join my causally volleyball game but the timing was off since he got other commitment the same night, however his a lot more free now so I decided to ask if he want to come and play. His response was that his too good and it might scare off our other friends or it be boring for him cause we play easy game for beginner. I told him that’s fine and if he change his mind let me know.
We have gone out twice with our mutual friend before. But that was before we went out on our first date. I’m not sure why, but I feel like his no longer interested in me even though he said he is. I feel his avoiding seeing our mutual friends together. I’m not sure what it mean.
Ewa
does he like your mutual friends though? I find it quite strange that he isn’t really talking much about dating you, that could mean he is maybe dating other people and his friends now about it so he doesn’t want them to tell you?
Or maybe he is simply not ready to hang out with you and your /his friends, it’s only been 2 months.
How often do you see each other, are you exclusive ? Do you see any dating potential in him?Hayley
He does like the mutual friends. His actually really close with one guy who he meet up once a week for their game night. I’m also close to that guy friend as well. That’s the friend that ask him if he was seeing me and he said yes but keep it on the down low. His not seeing anyone else, we are exclusive.
It just weird to me that some of our friends already know we seeing each other. What is the harm if other friends finding out. Is it because his unsure about me? We see each other once a week but sometimes once every 2 week. I do like him a lot and can see potential in him. Just don’t understand the changes since he was find at the beginning and now just feel like his making excuses not to come to the volleyball game.
Tallspicy
If you are only seeing each other once a week or less at 2 months, he is not very interested, that paired with keeping it down low. Men who want to be boyfriends talk and act like it, they escalate and include you more, not less.
If you have not yet discussed what you are looking for in the short, medium and long term, I suggest you ask.
At this point, if he scared away, he was never really into it anyhow.
He seems to like you as companionship, not an investment.
Ewa
I agree with Tallspicy, once a week or once every 2 weeks is not enough for a guy to bond with you, so it shows quite a low interest, even worse if there are just home dates . After 2 months he should be escalating not trying to find excuses why he can’t do this or that.
P
Thank you, I have no idea why I was feeling that way. It’s passed again. I decided to get rid of some furniture that he gave me. He actually gave me a couch a couple of months in that he had as he said he needed to be comfortable and my furniture wasn’t.
I think that seeing it everyday, when it didn’t really fit with my home was enough to keep him in my headspace. That and wanting to be loved.
I really do need to work out why I continued to see this man with all of the issues that came up. . I guess my only answer is that it was the love bombing. No matter what else was being said he maintained that he was in love with me, I was special and he was super attracted to me. He was full on and I fell for being told that. It’s like I still wanted him to feel that about me.
But I knew that what he was saying he felt for me seemed a bit off, either lying or he was nuts or a bit of both. Nether the less I do need to work out why I allowed abuse of myself to get the ‘liove’ he said he felt for me.
P
Sorry wrong thread 🤪
Gaia
Why would you want to be with a man who is seeing you on the “down low” after 2 months?
Hayley
@Tallspicy what you said make a lot of sense to me. I do feel that his not very interested even though he told me twice now that he is interested in me. He did bring up the conversation once and it ended up with him saying his not ready for a girlfriend but he still want to continue seeing me and take things slow. I do feel that it is leaning toward companionship.
I feel like seeing me is a secret and he doesn’t want anyone to know so it’s easier to break it off or something. Whereas I wanted our friends to know since I like him and see potential, but I guess he doesn’t feel the same.
Hayley
@Gaia, at the start he told me that in the past things progress too fast and it didn’t work out for him so this time he wanted to take things slow. I wanted to match his pace and not rush him if his that worry. I also thought that he was conservative and shy that’s why he didn’t want our friends to know until his sure about me or until we date a bit longer.
So after 2 months and a few dates I thought maybe it’s ok to hangout with our mutual friends now, but it doesn’t seem like he want to. But I wasn’t sure if I’m overthinking it or is he really avoiding it.
Gaia
You are wasting your time with this guy. He doesn’t want a relationship, keeps you on the down low, and it seems like you are hoping he’ll change or has potential.
Do not date potential and believe the negatives. This guy just wants to keep you in his orbit for companionship because you are tolerating all this bad behavior with no boundaries.
Read some stuff on this forum and you’ll see that many women go through this. I have myself so I speak from experience. I promise once you start believing the negatives and having solid boundaries the time wasters are easier to weed out or they disappear because they get that you won’t put up with nonsense.
Ewa
Hayley, I am currently dating a guy who told me he wants to take things slow but he still sees me every 2-3 days and constantly makes an effort to see me , takes me out etc
seeing someone once every 2 weeks would only work if there is a distance between you but I am guessing you live in the same city.
Look at his actions not words, he is telling you he is not interested with his actions.
And please for the future never ever ask someone if they are interested in you, you should be the one deciding if he is worth your interest, if you are getting a vibe he is not, you remove yourself , you don’t ask someone if they are interested because that puts them on the pedestal and they see you are more into him that he is into you.Spark
To me if a guy is interested in you and want to process to being your boyfriend, he will try to get involve more and be part of your life more. Like you said how some of your mutual friends already know you two are seeing each other, he shouldn’t avoid seeing them with you unless his not serious with you. In this case it seem his either still need time to decide or he never wanted to invest that much in the first place.
I think you better off walk away. It is not worth wasting your time in someone who are unsure after 2 months and putting in minimal effort if you two in see each other once or less than once a month.
Hayley
I am hoping that things will get better. I was just confuse since he was so persistent at the start, even ask one of our mutual friend to organise dinner so he can see me. Tell me my friend that she was a bad winkman.
I did ask him if he was interested at the start after we started talking and then after our 1st date he vanished for 2 days, when he replied he said he was really sick and didn’t use his phone. After 1 month and a bit of seeing each other he just randomly one night msged me and told me that he still interested and just want me to know. After reading your comments, it make me feel really dumb for believing in him and thinking that there a chance he could be the one.
I definitely can see now that his words and actions doesn’t really match. I wanted to se him more but doesn’t feel like he feel the same. He ask me out next week for dinner, but now I don’t know if I should even go.
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