What's wrong with me or rather the guys?

I met my bf online & we’ve been together 4 years & are very happy. So it’s possible to meet someone that way. It’s just hard to meet someone you click with in general– even if you volunteer, find hobbies etc, it’s not easy.

For years i was very active and involved in community work, volunteering, art/culture etc — all the things they tell you to do to meet people in real life. I had tons of friends, and I dated, but never met someone I really clicked with. It took going online to find my current bf who’s the best relationship I’ve had. So it’s impossible to predict.

I will say, if you’re tired of the apps and want to take a break, you should definitely take one! Dating requires regular breaks when you get frustrated. Otherwise you just get cynical & you’re not in a good mindset to meet people. It’s good to switch up your approach to dating and try different things.

You mentioned that you have 1 date and never hear from the guy again– that’s interesting. If there’s a pattern you should look at that. Maybe there’s something about the guys you’re picking, or something you’re saying or doing on dates. Without knowing you or more details it’s hard to say. Of course, most dates you have won’t work out– that’s just how online dating works. But if you recognize a pattern of things happening in the same way constantly, you should think about it.

Dating can be tough no matter how you do it. I know multiple people who’ve had very successful relationships with, and even got married to, people that they met online or through dating apps. I have also heard many horror stories from friends (and on this board!) about guys women have encountered on apps. Likewise I’ve dated some jerks that I met in real life and not through apps :-)

Since apps facilitate meeting people, you stumble across the losers more quickly, I’m afraid. And since apps make dating so easy, it’s very easy for lazy guys, or guys with personal problems, to seek out and connect with women. Whereas in real life, they may not have made much effort to actually get out and talk to women.

Like Peggy said, don’t give up, but proceed with caution. And it’s a good idea to evaluate what you may be doing wrong if you truly never get past a 1st date.

Taking a break from online dating periodically and focusing on yourself is a great idea when you’ve gotten burnt out from it! I would have to take off a couple months here and there too when I was on the apps.

I don’t think there’s anything with you, or that you’re unattractive or unworthy. I’d ask if you tend to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men, though? Choosing that “type” over and over can result in connections that don’t grow, and sometimes reflect something back about where your emotional comfort level actually is at the moment. I met my fiance online but only after about a zillion bad dates, and some relationships that forced me to reconsider how I was choosing potential partners and what characteristics I was attracted to.

While you don’t want to overshare on the first date (this signals bad boundaries) or put too much stress on things to go somewhere immediately, you do want to find someone who clicks and connects with you naturally being you. So be honest with yourself in your introspection but don’t assume it’s all on you to change your approach. If you are coming across as Aunty Agony however, why is that? Are you dumping your issues on to dates who are basically still strangers?

And your senior is right! Better to find a good match than to choose a bad one just to not be alone.

Ohhhh, I see. I took Aunt Agony the opposite way. But instead they are over-sharing at you!

As already posted, there are lots of people online who aren’t looking for real relationships and won’t be good partners. So that means you will encounter them often. You need to sort through them to find the people you better connect with, which means staying positive and open and taking a break when you get frustrated.

Maybe you can get a little better at filtering? I had better luck with finding more serious guys once I started setting my filters to exclude people who gave some variation of don’t know what I’m looking for yet or looking for casual whatever I can get. I found there was a difference between guys who were open to developing a relationship over time with the right person (they’d be able to talk maturely about it for a sentence or two without getting defensive about or dwelling on the topic) versus guys who froze up when asked what they were on the site looking for. That wasn’t a question I’d ask in my 20s (though in retrospect I should have), but in my 30s men started asking ME before we met up. And if I answered them and asked, “how about you?” some would be mature and answer however and others would panic or apologize or want to hear my answer but not want to reply about themselves… so after a while, I noticed it was very telling.