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AngieBaby.
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Mel
Hi everyone,
I’m coming here for advice as I have never dealt with such a thing before.
I met a guy online. We hit it off. We met and it was awkward for the first few minutes but then things got great. The conversation was flowing and time went by so fast that we had to be told the restaurant was closing and so we had to leave. Every time we meet, time flies by so quick and it is always fun. We share a lot of traits and have so much in common.
However, there is one big thing we don’t have in common. I am a very organized person and always on time. He is always chronologically late. This dude cannot get anywhere early to save his life.
Once, I got so angry about the fact that he keeps you waiting and cannot be bothered to let you know he is running late until you ask where he is after waiting for some time. The next time, he showed up about 15 minutes late and was pretty pleased with himself that it was just 15 minutes late!
I have two friends who are always late. In fact one of them shows up to things and places up to 3 hours late. They (and other friends) are like he fits everything I have always wanted and we do really well together. However, this tardiness annoys me. The guy and I have talked about it and he actually said he always aims to do way more than possible and time just slips by. He also said it’d be perfect if I didn’t go early everywhere.
I have read that there are personality traits like this. We are both in our 40s. This is the first guy I have clicked with in over 10 years and I have gone on millions of dates. What would you do in my situation? Continue to date or let it go?Tammy
Ensure you tell him to meet at 7 pm for a 7.30 pm date. Factor in 30 mins of delay. Try and see how this works. No point getting angry and spoiling ur health over his tardy issues.
Raven
How long have you been seeing him?
Notice how he made his being late, something negative about You? How dare You be prompt!
Mel
Tammy, that’s a good one!
Raven, we have been seeing each other for two months.Kathy
Personally, if this is the first guy you have liked in 10 years, I’d put up with it. If you don’t do what Tammy says, then you yourself could be 30 minutes late, and you’ll might meet up at the same time! :)
peggy
Well,you may try and tolerate but if you end up in a relationship or have kids,it will be very crappy. Dr. says being chronically late is the height of arrogance. Like you are so important and special everyone will wait for you. Personally, I would tell him it could be a deal breaker for you, and see if he is able to do better in that area.
peggy
Dr. Phil says.
Maddie
It’s not necessarily arrogance. Sometimes it’s poor time management abilities or even a sign of ADHD, and not at all intentional.
To the OP, don’t expect him to change, especially if you’re already in your 40s. Decide if there’s a way you can live with this or not. It’s not great that you told him how you felt and he didn’t offer to try to meet you in the middle (at least attempting to be better about messaging you his ETA!), but that to me sounds like he’s not planning to change. If this isn’t a dealbreaker, and is not a symptom of a bigger personality trait that isn’t compatible with you, continue to see him and see how it goes. If it is potentially a dealbreaker, let him know.
Tammy
If all the other things are going fine, and you do like him and are just annoyed at this one thing, figure out a way to deal with this. You hv found smone you like after ages, so why give up for just this one thing? As i suggstd, if you wabt to see him at 8 pm tell him lets meet at 7.30 pm. U reach the venue by 8pm.. in case hes early for once, let him enjoy the wait.
Mel
Thanks ladies, I really do like him. I guess I’ll have to deal with this and see how it works out. Recently, he made me late for an event that I ended up having to cancel my hair appointment as I was going to be late. I was quite upset about it. He saw how upset I was and kept asking me how he could make it up to me. I told him to be early next time. He said on our next date, he’d do nothing and just watch the clock. I don’t really think he meant it and to be honest, it sounded funny and eased up the atmosphere. I think I will try out some time management tactics with him and still be open to dating other people. Being the first guy I have truly clicked with in so long makes me not so willing to throw whatever we’re starting away just like that.
Mel
I will find this clip of Dr Phil, watch it and perhaps share with him too.
AngieBaby
I have a dear friend of many years who has kids and is chronically late. She is otherwise a terrific friend. I don’t like it when people are always late but for this person I work around it. Here’s the key: I never put myself in a position where her lateness causes me a problem. If we go to concerts or baseball games, I rarely ride with her, I take my own car – and if I do ride with her I expect to be late to the event so I don’t get annoyed. Otherwise, she has her ticket and I have mine and I get there early and she gets there later and it’s no issue because I’m not stuck outside the venue, fuming. I don’t schedule meetings too close to times we get together so I’m not late to my next meeting. I expect that 9 am coffee means she will show up between 9:10 and 9:30 so I have something to do in the meantime. If I do have to leave at a certain time, I let her know and then I leave on time no matter what time we started. There are few people with whom I’d be this tolerant of chronic lateness, but as I said, she’s otherwise the best.
However… being in a closer relationship with someone who is chronically late could be trying. You’d have to be able to work around his lateness and have it not bother you. Only you can determine if you can handle this or if it will drive up the wall.
Ewa
I think it is one of those cases, where if you had other options you wouldn’t be dating this man. I am a bit amazed with the responses because normally women here always say that being late is a sign of being disrespectful.
Liz Lemon
I know people who are constantly late too. I always wonder– do they have jobs? They must manage to get to work on time, or they’d be fired, right? ;-)
So I don’t exactly think it’s intentional, but I think when there are strong consequences (being fired from work, missing a flight, etc), people can often manage to be on time. Notice I said “often”– I have a couple of friends who really truly struggle with time management (both have some level of ADHD).
Personally it would drive me up the wall to date a guy like this. I’m a punctual person. I wouldn’t be able to tolerate constantly having to “tweak” meeting times to accommodate his lateness. That’s just me personally. It’s one thing when I’m meeting a friend once in awhile– with my previously mentioned friends, when we get together for drinks/dinner, I know to expect that they won’t exactly be punctual. But these are friends I hang out with a handful of times a year. I couldn’t deal with this in a romantic partner that I was with on a daily basis.
AngieBaby
I agree with Ewa and Liz. My example of working around chronic tardiness applies to a friend of many years who has done a lot for me (huge deposits in the emotional bank account) and I only see half a dozen times a year because we live in different cities. If I had to deal with someone on a daily/weekly basis who couldn’t be on time for a date to save his life, well, I couldn’t do it.
FYI, when you cancel a hair appointment or another such service at the last minute, that causes that person to lose money, because they can’t fill the time with another paying customer.
I would stop getting mad at this guy, waste of your energy. I would just start leaving 10-15 minutes after the appointed time. You don’t call or text to check where he is. You just leave and you don’t respond to any communications from him until the next day. You just say, couldn’t wait, had other things to do. Either he will get in line or he’ll stop calling because he knows he can’t BS you.
Once you train him that you will put up with his lateness and all he has to do to placate you is crack a lame joke, he’ll continue to be late. To Liz’s point – if he has a job, has to go to doctor’s appointments and other things that require being there on time or you have consequences to deal with, he does know how to be on time. Incidentally, my friend teaches at a school occasionally, has doctor’s appointments, board meetings, etc and I presume she’s on time for those. ;)
I don’t think anyone is worth this much aggravation, and honestly I think if this continues as it has, and there’s every reason to expect it will, you’re just going to blow up on him at some point and you’ll be the bad guy, strangely enough. I know you click with him and all but he’s shown you who he really is. Are you going to respect yourself enough to stick to your boundaries, or are you going to compromise yourself just to catch a man??
Ewa
Well said ! If he can go to work or even get a train /bus /flight etc and be on time, he surely has the ability to be on time.
He should be trying to impress at the beginning but he is clearly slacking. I mean I would be excited to see someone so all I would be doing is checking what time it is so I am not late especially when he knows you’re punctual and this is important to you!
I am not saying it doesn’t happen because I was late before but it wasn’t because I left my house late but for example I couldn’t find a place or the traffic was really bad, but I will always message saying I’ll be late.
You had to cancel appointment to have a date with him ? His behaviour won’t improve now that he sees you will wait even if he is late 2hLiz Lemon
How long have you been dating this guy? I’ll be d@mned if I’m canceling an appointment because some guy I’m only dating (not even my boyfriend) is late. I would have canceled on HIM– told him sorry, I have an appointment, I need to get going so we’ll have to reschedule.
Agree with Ewa that he should be trying to impress. And instead of implying that you’re somehow flawed for being on time (which you mentioned in your original post), he should be more attentive to the time!
This may be a case of incompatibility in the end. I know you said you click, but this is a major incompatibility that will drive you nuts if you start seriously dating this guy. I don’t think he’s going to change, and you shouldn’t have to bend yourself into a pretzel to accommodate him.
Tammy
I agree with the last post of Angie. Try it out. If he makes you wait more than 15 mins, leave. Without where r u calls and without informing him your leaving. Try it out. I thnk this will force him to take extra efforts to reach on time.
Mel
Thanks everyone for taking your time to reply to my post.
After talking and getting to know him better, he opened up to me that he has ADHD. I had suspected this at a point but of course, never asked him. He is a very intelligent guy and is very efficient and one of the best employees (due to his intelligence and ability to deliver) at work. He asked to work from home and his company agreed. So he really doesn’t have to commute to work. I also noticed that he has extremely loud reminders for work meetings. I guess that’s how he makes them on time :)
He has started showing up a little bit earlier and sending me a text that he is running late (which is always). He might say he is running late and he’ll be there in 20 minutes but show up in 35 minutes. Since he is taking baby steps, I choose to acknowledge the fact that he kept me updated. Next time, I will ask for more realistic updates. Also, I factor in his lateness time and plan things 30 to 40 minutes earlier. Once he got somewhere earlier than me and couldn’t even be bothered that I had showed up later than him.
I am still dating but haven’t found anyone who I share so much with apart from this guy.
Of course, if I met someone I click with, feel like I have known for years, have similar goals and life values and he is punctual, that will be better :)Mel
I also want to add that he once mentioned us being exclusive and saying he has never met a woman like me that he really likes and wants to do better for. I didn’t answer him then and he hasn’t brought it up again.
I am still dating other men like I mentioned as I am quite worried that he can’t really change all that much and I will be upset with him a lot. To be honest, I’m wondering if I am being too harsh with him.Mel
Sorry I meant to say *harsh about him
Maddie
He can’t change, he can only actively manage his ADHD. The very loud alarms are actually a known tactic to do this. I think you should do a bit more research on what dating someone with ADHD looks like and decide if it’s a lifestyle you can work with. If not, then even with the good parts, it’s overall not the right situation for you and that’s okay. You’re not being harsh if you’re being honest with yourself about incompatibility, you’re only being harsh if you expect him to change just because his brain is naturally wired differently than yours.
AngieBaby
Try this: tell him you’ll meet him at noon. Show up at 1. Start doing it consistently. Make him wait for you like he makes you wait for him. See how he handles it.
I deal with a neurodiverse condition and I find workarounds. In my book, the fact that someone’s brain works differently is not an excuse to make people cater to you all the time. Especially when that catering is making you wait and late for things.
What are you doing to do when he’s late when you have movie, theatre or concert tickets? A dinner reservation? Plane or train tickets? Timed entry to a museum? Have you asked him how he handles events that have specific times and being late means you don’t get in or you get left behind? And if he can’t handle himself and just be on time for dates, imagine what it would like to be married and have children with someone who is almost totally unreliable to show up on time.
I agree with Maddie. You are not being too harsh on him. If this is how he is, he can’t make significant improvements and you can’t deal with it, that’s OK. You shouldn’t have to bend yourself like a pretzel to match someone else’s routines that don’t really work for you. That’s a losing strategy, because at some point you will blow up because you’re past fed up and walk away anyhow.
Honestly it kinda feels now like he’s stringing you along with promises to change when he knows he won’t/can’t and you’re willing to buy it for the time being because you can’t find a better man. Yet. I predict you will walk at some point and I do hope you find someone who values punctuality the same as you do.
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