What should I do? Really difficult situation.


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  • #776666 Reply

    Alex

    Hi,

    I am seeking some advice on my current situation. I am really struggling to cope and don’t really know how I should go forward and handle my situation. I will list below my situation – I have tried to keep it short as possible but also have included the detail. Hopefully you can try and help me.

    So I met this girl face to face where we both work. At first, for me there was not a strong physical attraction. However, what I did notice was that we clicked instantly and got on so well immediately – a connection some call it.

    One evening, she messaged me via social media for general chat. This chat continued and we spoke to each other everyday via text/social media for around a year. At first, I felt like she had a strong interest in me. This is from the way she acted around me and wanted my attention. This worked well as we both got on so well and really clicked.

    After a couple of months of talking more seriously, I offered to take her out on a date. We had such a good laugh and enjoyed it and kissed on the first date. We continued to go on dates, activities, go round each others houses and spent time together.

    An important thing to note is that myself and her knew that we would never rush anything. Her ideal situation which she i heard her say was that she would like to talk to a boy for more than a year or longer in order to really know him before getting into anything. This girl is very set in her ways in the fact that she has ideal situations of how things should turn out, or how she would like.

    However, knowing this, we still got on so well and really enjoyed each other that we continued. I felt we was only getting better and stronger. We went on a trip abroad together with friends, we have been to hotels and spas together alone and did many other actives.

    It is really important to note that although we did not put any label on our relationship, we did the normal things which anyone in a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship would do. In terms of us being sexual, we did do some sexual aspects but not all. We spoke about it and her reason for not going the whole way was because I was not her boyfriend – She was very strict in that she would only ever have full sexual intercourse if it was with her boyfriend and even then would make him wait months. However, we did do other sexual activities. I personally think that this is very rare and old fashioned nowadays but this was the case – once again, showing her ideal situations. 

    So after around 11months of talking, 8 months of those being serious and also 7/8 months of going on dates and all our other various actives, I noticed a change in her general mood with me.

    After asking her what was wrong, I finally got something out of her and she said that she had been thinking. She then continued to say the following:
    “I feel like you want a girlfriend, but I don’t want a boyfriend”.

    As soon as i read that, it broke my heart. Another important thing to note is that I do not catch feelings easily. The situation we had was good for me as we both knew neither of us wanted to rush anything. However, after this long period of time of spending time together and getting on so well, I had developed very very strong feelings for this girl and still do. I thought the absolute world of this girl and treated her how a girl should be treated. Even though we knew nothing was going to be rushed, in the later stages, I did begin to feel that I wanted a relationship with this girl and would of said the same for how she felt prior to her changing over the 2 weeks.

    Her reasoning for not wanting a relationship was simply because she feels that she is not ready for a relationship. She says that it scares her, panic’s her and stresses her out. Therefore she feels like she isn’t ready yet. For me, I felt like this was a nice and polite way of saying that she does not want a relationship with me. However, whilst I do not 100% know for certain, she has told me explicitly several times on multiple occasions that it is not because of me, it’s simply that she does not feel ready to have a relationship with anyone at all. Again, this broke my heart because of how well we connected.

    Her parents loved me, her family and friends also. Her mum even said what a great boyfriend I would be for her. They all thought so highly of me and this was another reason why i felt things were going so well. Everything seemed to be falling into place.

    Throughout the time of her telling me how she feels, she has made it very very clear by repeatedly saying on many different occasions, that her saying she is not ready for a relationship but at the same time is not saying ‘No’ to me.

    She has made it explicitly clear that she is not saying we are completely over, she is not saying no to me but at the same time, she cant promise anything because she does not know when she will be ready.

    After going back and forth for a couple weeks of telling each other how we exactly felt about each other, we had a chat face to face. I said I think it’s probably for the best if we stop talking via text/social media. I felt we needed to do this because me talking to her having these feelings what be a ‘look what you can’t have’ situation and I told her exactly that. At first, she was keen to keep chatting and to “just see what happens” but this has messed so much with my head, I said the above and again and she understood.

    Since then, we have spoken about it. She says she is upset and is not particularly happy about it but at the same time said she cant say when she will be ready. She once again mentioned that she was not completely saying ‘No’ to me, she is just saying now is not the time.

    So about 1 or 2 weeks ago of me writing this, she text me. Prior to this, we hadn’t spoken to each other for a couple weeks via text – only face to face. She asked me how I was and other general chat. This chat has continued and i don’t know what to do. I know for a fact that she sees our current conversation as just general chat between 2 people. However, it confuses me as to why she would bother messaging me? I still have these feelings for this girl and so still enjoy chatting to her, but should I be texting her when all the above has gone on? I don’t know what to do?

    Cutting contact off completely won’t be possible and this is because we see eachother every week almost everyday because of where we go out and where we work.

    I really want to win this girl back over. I have always been confident around her, masculine, made her laugh, entertained her, looked after her and cared for her. As well as treating her the correct way and just in general being how you should be. But, this does of seemed to be enough? I don’t know if it’s possible to win this girl back over? I don’t know what I should do going forward? Do I stop texting her? What do i do? I am so stuck and struggling to cope – I thought the absolute world of this girl and she knows that.

    A couple more important things to note about this girl is the following. She is very stubborn and has a lot of pride. She is not boy crazy at all, I am actually the only 2nd boy ever to of been with her and she definitely does not want to have a lot of boys throughout her life. She is also very strong in the fact that she will not rely on a man for anything. She is unlike many other girls. She would never rush anything.

    So overall, I want this girl back and for us to be in a relationship. Do you think this is possible? How should I handle this situation? Should I continue to text her daily or shall I say what I said before? Or do I just need to move on? Is there anyway to overcome this situation with the outcome i want?

    Please try and give me the best advice to deal with this situation. She is unlike other girls and I feel like this situation is so rare.

    #776668 Reply

    Lane

    Go no contact! Seriously, she needs to fully feel what its like without you in her life! You don’t need to be mean about it, just tell her you think its best to part ways so you can eventually meet a lady who is ready for all you have to offer her. If she reaches out after this you do not respond, and really try to change your pattern so you don’t bump into or see her as much as you can.

    I went through this with my (now ex) husband. I was going to break up with him because I too wasn’t ready and couldn’t feel those loving feelings the way he felt about me. I took a ‘time out’ and after a few days I really started to MISS HIM, where the thought of not having him my life would be too painful, and that’s when I knew I had actually fallen in love, my heart just hadn’t caught up with my head yet. Its either ALL or NONE, at this point, as you can’t keep allowing her to string you along or she could very well lose respect for you or never be *ready* to settle down with you.

    It may or may not work but the upside is, at least you will be open to meeting a lady who can love you back the same way you love her.

    #776674 Reply

    Alex

    Hi Lane,

    Thanks for the advice!

    I have been planning to speak to her face to face to tell her I’m stopping contact. I was planning to say that I’m disappointed that I never got the real opportunity to prove that being with me isn’t anything to be scared of, or to panic about etc. I think this will be a good way to say what i want but also do what’s for the best which is to stop the texting and contact.

    #776682 Reply

    Daisy

    I know usually when someone says “it’s not you, it’s me”, it’s just BS to soften the blow of a breakup, but in this case I think it actually IS her. Sounds like she has some psychological barrier to getting into a relationship. The fact that she has a “rule” that she has to be friends with a guy to be able to trust them and get into a relationship, doesn’t sound old fashion, it sounds like someone who has a lot of walls up. Who knows, maybe she has some trauma in the past she’s dealing with. It looks pretty clear she started acting weird when her one year deadline was coming up to make things official.

    I would NOT wait for this girl to come around. She could be leading you on forever. And you obviously want more than this woman can give you. You need to set up some clear boundaries with her, seeing that you can’t complete avoid her, and hopefully she values you enough to respect your wishes.

    #776687 Reply

    Selling the drama

    There is something about you that is holding her back from going all in. You may think its not something to be scared of, have you ever been so terrified it causes you to panic?

    You’re better off talking to her about it.

    #776688 Reply

    K

    “I have been planning to speak to her face to face to tell her I’m stopping contact. I was planning to say that I’m disappointed that I never got the real opportunity to prove that being with me isn’t anything to be scared of, or to panic about etc. I think this will be a good way to say what i want but also do what’s for the best which is to stop the texting and contact.”

    Alex, whatever you do, don’t do this!!!!

    Think about it. Here’s what you’re really saying

    “Hi, I”d like to see you to tell you that I”m not going to speak to you anymore because I”m hoping you’ll talk me out of it.” Followed by “I”m really upset you haven’t given me what I want and I”m now going to guilt trip you about it.”

    You just come across as needy and whiny and manipulative. Bad bad bad idea. And let’s be honest, you’re hoping when you tell her this stuff she will tell you that’s she’s changed her mind or will give you some kind of hope.

    This girl sees you as a friend only and I don’t see any evidence that will ever change. She’s been crystal clear with you. You’re on the verge of becoming a Stage 4 Clinger and stalkerish pest.

    I’m guessing you’re pretty young. Trust me, there will be other women who are special to you who wholeheartedly return your feelings and love. But if you keep doggedly hanging onto this one, you will block out anyone else coming in.

    By pursuing her any further, you’re actually pushing her away because you are completely disrespecting her and what she’s told you and what her feelings and wishes are. That is NOT love. If you truly care for her, it’s time to wish her the best and leave her be. I”m sorry, I know that isn’t what you want to hear. But you shouldn’t and can’t try to persuade someone into being with you and loving you. That’s not what healthy relationships are built on.

    #776689 Reply

    K

    My advice is to just stop contacting her or interacting with her unless it’s for work and unavoidable, in which case be pleasant but brief and keep it impersonal. Don’t say that you’re going to stop. Words are meaningless. Action is everything.

    She will notice your absence at some point and either start to think about things and miss you or be relieved that you are finally getting the message and leaving her alone. And she’ll either come back or you will be free to move on.

    #776692 Reply

    Alex

    Hi Guys,

    Thanks for all your replies above. Deep down, i know the right thing to do is to stop the contact and stop pursuing. I just wanted to post on these forums to get your opinions and reconfirm mine.

    I will do the above very very soon and hopefully I can begin my journey to move on.

    #776753 Reply

    Then do the right thing

    I’ve battled with a stalker and it affected my mental health, sent me deeper into depression, and killed any confidence. If you care AT ALL about her, back off and let her go.

    I’m glad you were able to confirm it with a bunch of strangers you have never met in real life.

    The time will make you realize you are better off without little miss afraid of commitment

    #776768 Reply

    Better off single

    I am a lot like this woman.

    LISTEN TO HER WHEN SHE SAYS SHE DOESN’T WANT A BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. She must have been burned pretty bad by someone.

    Because you click so well is why she keeps talking to you because she values your friendship more than being your girlfriend.
    Maybe she is telling you she isn’t ready because:

    1. she doesn’t know what she wants
    2. she really doesn’t want a relationship right now because she’s figuring things out, licking wounds, and enjoys her freedom/time alone.
    3. she is afraid to reject you. The fear is you would let her go and lose the friendship.
    It still gives her the freedom to do what she wants without feeling like she is some man’s precious posession that needs to know where she is at all hours of the day. she can breathe and feel free to be herself.

    I’ve gone out with men because they were pushy for a date and didn’t really want to go, but they tried so hard, I couldn’t say no and just ended up disappointing them anyway or gave them what they wanted (sex) just so I would never hear from them again. It made me feel so miserable inside. I didn’t want a boyfriend i really didn’t want to date and just jumped at the opportunity for easy unsatisfying sex.

    Don’t be that guy. Let her go or distance yourself about 1,000 miles. She’s not a damzel in distress as you’ve pointed out she is independent and strong.

    I’m sorry but this might not go your way and give you what you want but you will get what you need. You sound like an amazing, passionate, loving, rare case yourself. You deserve better.

    #776778 Reply

    Shay

    Hi mate.

    Agree with a few points here, esp the first one. Basically it sounds like this woman is using you, and just keeping you in her orbit, whilst yanking your chain every now and again holding the promise of a relationship/sex as a carrot. You should have gone alpha on her, and just binned her off by now mate.

    At work just give her the briefest of professional/work related contact. DON’T mention relationship or anything like that. Also it’s worth bearing in mind that with the rise of “Me Too” she may end up making an accusation against you which could end up with you losing your job…or much worse. I would even consider leaving your current role if things get too awkward (NOT that you should have to, but it might be for the best).

    This woman is playing you. Man up and blank her. Plenty of much nicer women out there to have fun and relationships with.

    #776779 Reply

    Alex

    In Response to Better Off Single:

    I would agree that she doesn’t know what she wants. In my head, it works that if i was enough then we would know and would want something but as she has told me multiple times, it’s with anyone. Regardless, I’m not here to be strung along anymore. I will move on

    #776781 Reply

    Alex

    In Response to Shay

    Hiya mate,

    Yeah I know, you are right and I know it myself. At first, because me and this girl connected so well and I thought the world of her, I didn’t wanna just bin her off and give it all up without even trying. But it’s gone on far too long now, I’ve done my bit to try make it work and I am going to move on.

    Although we work within the same company. Our paths in work never cross and we only may see each other briefly at Lunch so I’m not worries about that side of it. Not worried any awkwardness etc. She’s on a temp contract too and confident she’ll move on after it’s up so that side of it doesn’t phase me.

    Final point and to all those reading this, this is not a cocky comment at all, but I know deep down I’m the best she’ll ever get. Not talking about physical appearance, I’m talking about the way I treated her and what I would of done for her. I’ll find myself someone who’s willing to give the same back to me. I just guess because I was so into her, I wanted to pursue it.

    But all that said. I know what I’ve gotta do now and will be moving on!

    #776784 Reply

    cupcake

    Sure you are buddy! I smell a “Nice Guy”.

    If you are only an ounce as entitled, patronising and arrogant as you come off in your posts im not surprised she would run to the hills.

    #776788 Reply

    Lies

    “In my head, it works that if i was enough then we would know and would want something but as she has told me multiple times, it’s with anyone.”

    What do you think would make you enough?

    It’s not with ANYONE (meaning emotionally unavailable RED FLAG) so even if it was Brad Pitt putting in all this effort, he still counts as someone. He would probably be smart and not waste so much of his own precious time on her and moved on 4 years ago and just left her alone.

    Now you got her emotionally invested and you’re really going to hurt her so you still win. Good for you.

    “I know deep down I’m the best she’ll ever get.” You’re probably right. Pitty. She is too stupid to see it and suddenly become emotionally available.

    It’s going to go from you weren’t good enough to she’s not good enough for you or you “lowered your standards” whatever helps you find peace.

    Best of luck.

    #776790 Reply

    Better off single

    Ever stop to think that maybe she just wants you and doesn’t give a s×it about what you can do for her?

    #776794 Reply

    Shoshannah

    All due respect and sorry if that’s harsh, but you aren’t the best she’ll ever get. The best she’ll ever get will be someone who treats her well, but who she is into as well. I am sensing that you have a problem with processing that… I know that she is giving you mixed signals, but sometimes taking a rejection is simply accepting someone’s boundaries and that they don’t want you.

    #776906 Reply

    Alex

    Hi Guys,

    Update:

    I have stopped contact and I won’t lie, I feel awful about it :( I know it’s the right thing to do but feel so down.

    I guess I just stick to it, stay strong and move on?

    #776917 Reply

    K

    That’s the way Alex. Good work. When you least expect it, you’ll meet someone else who returns your feelings. Just keep enjoying your own life and you’ll be attractive to the right woman.

    #776939 Reply

    Alex

    Hi K,

    I know but honestly, I feel dreadful. Last time we was speaking too we was getting on so well and having a laugh and now I feel like Sh** :(

    I really thought this girl was the one. Felt like I got so lucky with her and now I feel like this.

    Ah I dunno :(

    #777449 Reply

    Alex

    Hi Guys,

    Another update:

    So I stopped the contact last week. On the weekend, she messaged me again.

    She was telling me how she thinks we should continue talking. I said that I feel like I’ll be getting strung along etc. She still says she is not looking for a relationship with anyone at the moment and doesn’t know when she will be.

    Of course this has messed with my head again because she is contacting me and wanting to talk to me etc. Obviously I haven’t lost any of my feelings for her.

    I guess the right thing to do for me is to stay strong and keep the no contact?

    Let me know :(

    #777450 Reply

    Vera

    It is very selfish of her to say you should keep talking . She isn’t showing any respect towards you by saying this. Don’t even answer her and continue no contact .

    #777451 Reply

    Ss

    Stick with no contact for at least 30 days. Not just to see if she changes her mind but to focus on bettering yourself and meeting your needs

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