What is his endgoal here? Need a wake up call


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This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Rubi 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #933503 Reply

    Ella

    hi all, first of all: i haven’t been on here for AWHILE so just wanted to say that I posted in here a handful of times before, and lately i have not been dating or anything as i have been basically working my booty off post college. i work for a major tv/ news thing and all my weekends i work overnights so my social and dating life has been incredibly non-existent for almost a year now. funnily enough during this break, i have had more guys from my past that have hit me up than ever before. even some of them asking for job recommendations when they disrespected me LOL. like the AUDACITY some of these men have!

    In 2018, I had an incredibly great college one night stand. It was very much just sex. But the physical chemistry was so intense, I always have thought about it since then…it was THAT good. Let’s call him “J” for easier context to type. J and I met in July of 2018, hung out twice (we went to the same college) and then I found out after we hooked up weeks later he had a girlfriend the entire time and he removed me off of all social media. So I understood – he was a douche. Onto the next. We would casually run into each other on campus and completely ignore one another and even though the sex was that good, I felt incredibly used and thrown out especially since he felt the need to remove me off of everything afterwards.

    Fast forward to November of 2021, he tries DMing me on instagram, I am curious as to what he wants (especially since he unblocked me after years?) and we chat. I find out he is single,him and his gf were actually on a break during that time we hookedup, we exchange numbers and I do it because I want him to fess up to what he actually wants, hence why I am playing along. Its also been almost four years, and for a guy to remember a girl he had sex with once four years ago just well, peaked my interest. I always thought about him on and off in a nostalgic way, as it was purely a fun night and my relationships, flings after him never could recreate that type of physical chemistry I had with J, if I am being honest.

    Since November, he texts me hinting at getting together, I was at first vague, but then was receptive to it as I was horny and figured why not have some fun – (I did/do NOT like him in a romantic way). He proceeded to not reply to my text for 3 weeks, barely does the bare minimum of asking me even how I am doing, like its all very low effort. He does this two more times, and he unfollows me AGAIN on social media by January of 2022. Then I delete his number, as 3 times every 2 months now he would ask me to get together then I would basically say yes, and he would just stop replying and not mention a time or place. Finally I had enough, and before yesterday, I haven’t heard from him since end of February.

    He texted me out of the blue yesterday that he is trying to “connect” with more of our college alumni, which confuses me, and finally comes clean that he just wants to hookup again after I try to pull it out of him since I am sick of this game; he first says to me that he “isn’t trying to throw any moves anymore” and just “wants someone to explore the city with” then two texts later he says how “its hard not to remember how we f*cked four times in one night lol” so i am even more like ????? & continues to say that four years ago i “rocked his world”. I haven’t had sex or a date in a year, and all I have been doing is working from home and with my intense schedule, I do deserve some fun. So I agreed to getting together. And NADA. NOTHING. Should I just block his number? What is his end game here? my flirting skills are rusty sure, but maybe I am “too” straightforward? Literally once again, even after a year of not talking to men (unless they come to me), I am just as confused. Clearly he agrees we both had a good time a few years ago and wants to do it again so why the back and forth? Why go silent? He works a more normal schedule than me,so he clearly is dating around (which is normal) but why even bother texting me then?

    Not looking for judgement, as believe me, part of me knows he isn’t worth my energy, but since this is the fourth time now, it is by far bugging me now as what he actually wants as he keeps ghosting. Half of me wouldn’t mind a fun night with him, but another knows he doesn’t respect me and I think I have more respect for myself now than at age 19 to let this happen again. Ugh.

    #933505 Reply

    Maddie

    Pretty sure the issue is he’s not actually that single but he loves the attention and validation. I am sure he remembers sex with you and also likes keeping you on the hook for a rainy day when he is single and not actively dating or multi-dating. But he clearly knows easy NSA sex is on the table and keeps ghosting anyway. So just block him and keep looking for someone who won’t waste your time and energy. Plus, why have sex with someone you can’t trust at ALL who has no respect for other people. Even if the sex was once great… who knows what parting gifts he might leave you these days if he’s super sketchy (sadly, true story, I know someone that happened to when dealing with a similar situation, though it was treatable).

    I remember some of your older posts. Are you in enough of a routine at work now to try to branch back out a little bit more in meeting new people? Online dating, perhaps, since that works a little better with untraditional schedules? Definitely sounds like the lack of companionship options are getting to you if you’re even considering entertaining this guy. No judgement in that, just looking for other solutions beyond that jerk :)

    #933506 Reply

    Raven

    Block him & move forward.

    #933507 Reply

    Rubi

    You are just a hook up. He keeps coming back because everytime he hits you up you agree to have sex. He has tested this for years even after ghosting and coming back you have let him sleep with you. There is nothing there emotionally/romantically.

    If you enjoy his sex and have no feelings for him, then you can both have an adult conversation and agree to be just hook up buddies and there’s no need for him to be ghosting you after sex to indicate that there is nothing more.

    However if you think you will develop feelings then I will caution you to stay away from this guy as he is only there to use you for sex.

    #933508 Reply

    Ella

    Maddie- thanks for the detailed reply! And I have only tried apps every now and then but honestly with my schedule and family stuff it’s been sort of draining and didn’t think I could put the effort I want into dating. The few times I did exchange numbers from an app, after I said how I work weekends and could only get together Monday or Tuesday some of the guys just seemed to disassociate after that. It may be worth another shot though. I have only a few months left of this schedule before my contract is up. I also think you may be right that he’s probably NOT single and is looking for an ego boost going down memory lane for some reason (and if so, i feel bad for the poor girl he is dating).

    Raven- Honestly you’re right. Clearly deleting his number is useless (he even reintroduced himself in the last text he sent me as he probably figured I deleted his number lol)

    Rubi – I have not slept with him since july of 2018. He most likely sees me as a hookup still, but it’s been quite some time since then. We also never spoke again for all that time, until he reached out in fall of 2021. This has NOT been a reoccurring thing for years, only in the past 6 months.

    #933512 Reply

    Eric Charles
    Keymaster

    His end game is sex.

    You said many things in your post, but I can’t help but share the sub-text I’m hearing:

    I’m going to end up meeting with this guy.
    We’re going to have sex.
    I’m going to say a bunch of words to pretend like it “just happened” and I didn’t know it would happen.

    Don’t lie to yourself.

    You’re horny, you want to have sex with him, you will and then there will be the expected consequences.

    Go do it (it seems like you’re going to regardless) and go in expecting to regret it afterwards.

    Go in with the expectation you’ll have great sex, you’ll “feel something” for him, like there’s some secret magical connection with him… he won’t… you’ll chase him, he will partially engage, you’ll read meaning into everything he says like there’s some kind of chance for love (because there’s so much “chemistry”)…

    Maybe you’ll have more encounters with him (shocker, you’ll have sex each time) and then eventually it will come out that he doesn’t want a relationship.

    You can’t sex a man into a relationship.
    You can’t sex a man into a connection.
    You can’t sex a man into being interested in you.

    Sex is just sex.

    You knew him in college you said?

    OK, the reason all these guys from your past are hitting you up is because college is over (harder to meet new women) and covid happened (harder to meet women).

    This isn’t some rom-com love story. This is horny men digging into their rolodex.

    For men, sex is just sex. It has nothing to do with love, feelings or connection. Nothing.

    Think about it accordingly.

    And remember: There’s no such thing as casual sex for women.

    #933532 Reply

    Rubi

    Ella, I believe Eric explained it better than I did.

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