Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Was I mislead?
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Ss.
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Ana
I had been seeing someone from last September through New Years. During that time he did what felt like a lot of hot and cold behavior, seeming so into me then appearing distant mentally/emotionally the next time, etc. When we had met he it had just been under a year of being out of a relationship that ended very badly. That relationship was 3 years. I’m someone who likes to move slow, so his own guardedness didn’t really bother me – I understood it as I too have been hurt in the past.
At around 2.5 months of dating I asked if he was comfortable with my invitations to social events as I wasn’t sure he was ok being known as the person I was seeing yet. He replied that he was comfortable, that we were “heading down that path” and the convo was easy and seemed genuine. A week later he got some time off work and essentially went MIA for a month. During this time I just pulled back too to give him space knowing this happens with men, I didn’t hit him up or reach out with any insecure “where are you?!” type questions, I let it be. We had some contact and when we did I kept it friendly and it was him who came around and asked that we “please” get together. We went to dinner and had a good time, but I got honest in the conversation and calmly talked about his essentially dipping out for a month (we talked but hadn’t seen each other in a month) after telling me we were “headed down the path,” that at times he seems indifferent and that he’s more guarded than I am. He said it’s a defense mechanism, and acknowledged he had “done his own thing” over the past month. No apology or acknowledgement of how that was confusing for me though. I told him I liked him, that I understand being hurt and wanting to move slow, but I am 35 and don’t want to just “hang out” with someone at this point in my life. He said the conversation was great, was “progress,” that he has been able to do his own thing and questions if he really wants “to go through all that (a relationship) again,” but he doesn’t want to stop seeing me. After that the next couple weeks he seemed to step up his effort – more contact, more personal, more direct, more sweet. I stayed open to him and just enjoyed it. He asked me to spend New Years with him and a few friends. He acted like a boyfriend – in front of his friends, in front of my sister who he was meeting for the first time, I really enjoyed it. But when we went to bed that night he tried to “make moves” but given I had just been unsure where we were at and he hasn’t communicated “I thought about it and I do want to be with you,” I stopped him. And since we we’re “official,” I also didn’t know if he’d been with anyone else. He asked what I wanted from this, which seemed confusing because I felt I had been clear about who I am. I told him I didn’t want to be with someone who was with other people (he said “obviously”), and that when we talked about it last he said relationships were “stressful and pressure.” He reiterated they were pressure, that he has been able to do his own thing and he has been happy. My heart was saddened but it confirmed that he is just not looking for a relationship at this point. I was bummed. We talked New Years day, and he would comment on my instagram stories the week following, be we have not texted since Jan 1.
I was really bummed. I know I was guarded at times because he could be unpredictable in terms of his mood or openness to me when I’d see him, but I feel like I literally did everything right in terms of not being needy, giving him space, letting him come to me, etc. etc. It felt genuine when he said he’s enjoyed his singleness and his freedom – he’s just not looking for anything serious and isn’t ready for the emotional commitment in a relationship. And I HATED we just didn’t speak and didn’t have a “closure” conversation – I wanted to reach out – but it was more for me because it doesn’t seem like that would really be important to him. So I just let it go.
But I’ve just learned that he quickly started seeing someone else after me. Obviously, hurtful. She’s also a young single mother of two and now I’m confused. What guy who’s not looking for anything serious chooses to pursue a single mother of two? Was everything that seemed genuine about him just not really being a in place of readiness for a relationship actually a lie and he just didn’t see it with me? Why keep it going if you don’t actually like me the way you seem to when we’re together for 4 months? Of course my ego is hurt at the thought because I don’t see why he couldn’t see it with me but sees himself there? A potential step-dad when you can’t even communicate what you’re really thinking or feeling? Also I’m surprised he didn’t delete me off insta – still watches every story and likes my posts..
I know I shouldn’t care but the vulnerable answer is I am hurt, I am confused, I’ve missed him and now I just feel stupid and embarrassed somehow. What’s the deal with this guy?
Persephone
I am so sorry. I know how disappointing it can be to learn that you’re with a great guy, but you’re not on the same page.
It’s easy to think back about everything you did that was wrong. But the truth is that you can do everything right and if they aren’t feeling it (for whatever reason), there’s nothing you can do to make that change. It takes two.
So to answer your question more directly, there’s no deal with this guy. He just isn’t game for a relationship or at least not one with you.
Don’t let someone “dip out” of things next time. Hold him accountable. And, above all, don’t accept scraps someone throws your way. No way.
The good thing about where you are now is that you know. Because now, after taking some time to heal, you can open yourself up to someone who runs hot for you and who wants what you want. Good luck, girl!
.Tallspicy
you were not miss lead, because you were not paying attention to both actions and words. If they 2 1/2 months, he is not calling you his girlfriend he never is going to. And the fact that you let a man who was gone for a month with no explanation in your life means that you have a lot of boundary issues. I don’t think he did anything wrong, I think you just decided that he was going to get around to being more available than he actually was even though he made it very clear with both words and actions and inconsistent behavior that he was not really available. Valuable lesson.
Liz Lemon
Did you post here before? I’m asking because I remember someone posting several months back with the situation you describe, in particular the part about his hot/cold behavior, not being sure of his comfort level in social situations with you, and him saying you were “heading down that path”, and then disappearing. At least, someone posted something very similar if it was not you.
I’m sorry that you are hurting. To answer the question in the title of your post– no, I don’t think you were misled. Dating is about finding someone who is a good fit for us, and this guy was not for you. Try to learn from this experience for the future.
For one thing, going MIA for a month and not seeing you is completely unacceptable and a huge red flag that he’s not that into you. You tried to play it cool and not look insecure by not asking questions, but it was a clear sign that he was conflicted about his feelings about you. Yes, guys pull back and “take space” in relationships but a guy who has feelings for you would not go a month without seeing you. If he were into you, you two would have been in the honeymoon period and he would not have been able to get enough of you.
The 3-4 month mark is often when guys decide if they see a future with a woman. So the timeline fits your situation. I think from what you’ve written, your guy was starting to have doubts around 2.5 months, so he stepped back. He had you over at New Years to presumably test his feelings for you and clearly the feelings were not there for him, I’m sorry to say. You didn’t do anything wrong, it just wasn’t meant to be.
I read a really good quote in one of the articles on this site that said something along the lines of– men don’t go looking for relationships, it’s more like a relationship just lands on their shoulder like a butterfly when they meet a woman who knocks their socks off. But they aren’t seeking it. So yeah, he probably did not want a relationship *with you* but don’t take it personally; it happens. He was not seeking a relationship at the time and the connection you two had was not enough to make him think otherwise. He met this new woman (the single mom) and was not “looking” for a relationship either I’m sure, but whatever happened between them was enough to change his perspective.
The silver lining in all this is now you are free to move on and seek out a guy who does not confuse you or leave you wondering. When you’re with a guy who wants to be with you, he will not go MIA or blow hot/cold or leave you confused about his feelings for you, trust me!
kaye
I don’t think you were mislead. I think maybe you didn’t ask the right questions of what he was looking for up front. You say he was hot and cold from the beginning and guarded because he was less than a year out of a 3 year relationship. Then he went missing for an entire month, making no plans with you and you decided to sit back and play it cool and not even question him. He’s not even sure if he wants to be in a relationship right now. They are stressful and pressure to him.
As far as the other girl, he could have been seeing her during the month he disappeared and it’s really not that soon. It doesn’t sound like you were exclusive or official. And I’m not sure why you think his mindset has changed to wanting to be serious with this single mom of two. Odds are he will date her for 3-4 months before he tells her he’s not ready for a relationship and would probably even still be hanging out with you if you had allowed it!! Just because he’s in another casual relationship doesn’t mean he sees something with her he didn’t see with you.
Khadija
He went MIA for a month. That’s a clear indicator he isn’t interested in a relationship.
No man who wants a future with you would do that.
Please move on an heal, I would even suggest deleting him. If you’re checking to see if you’re still friends on social media its hindering you moving on.
mara
oh, I understand you :( I had something similar recently – in my case it was someone who I know a looong time, we had something with him many years ago, but we were really young then and life happened – we lost contact, both started to be in long relationships, he married, had kids etc. Although that chemistry remained trough years. I have been single after my long relationship many years now, he is now single again too and we reconnected, dated a bit, but he eventually said he is not ready for a relationship yada yada yada… And now he is dating someone new. How serious it is or will be, I don’t know, it’s all new, but of course it hurts. I know he is amazing guy, he cares about me and didn’t want me to get hurt, but obviously I did, because he was acting all boyfriendish with me, introduced me to his friends and got to know mine. Well, in my perfect world I won’t even start to go out with someone if I know I don’t want to be that person, but seems that it doesn’t work in real life. He didn’t lie to me, but we kind of went with flow. It’s hard to get over him, because during long years he has remained to be that one special man for me, with whom I would see myself to be together, who I really really like and have even feelings for, but it’s never a right timing (he is not long out from long marriage) or it is just not meant to be with us… Hard pill to swollow.
You said you did everything right this time (I feel the same way about myself), so don’t blame yourself about that. Many girls in this site say you have to watch guys actions and words and you shouldn’t get attached etc – I’m glad that they can be so down to earth with their feelings. But in the end of the day we are all humans – some people we just like more and it’s easy to get attached if you really like a person. Personally with him I have been a bit attached all my adult life; i just have learned to live without him. But as soon I see him, that special feeling has always been there. And I guess you did everything right, you remained true to yourself, wanted more and expressed that – it just wasn’t enough.
I don’t think he mislead you – perhaps he was feeling it in the moment, but if a person is not ready for relationship or just doesn’t feel so intense about this there is nothing to do.
Don’t read too much out about that he is following you in instagram. Personally most of the guys who I have been “kind of” dating are nice and normal persons and so am I – most of them have wanted to remain in contact with me at some level (as friends or just in good terms). Even the guy who I was talking about above still reaches out to me occasionally, because this is who he is, he remains good terms with everybody. He watches all my insta stories and likes some of them too. It’s always easier for the person who didn’t get hurt to stay friends or in good terms. Deleting someone off from social media is childish in my opinion, so that’s why I still have them in my social media list and I’m in theirs. If it hurts you much and stops moving on, unfollow him or delete if it’s necessary, but don’t read much out from the fact that he hasn’t deleted you. If he is an nice guy, I’m sure he didn’t want to hurt you and doesn’t want to cut you off cold blooded from every channel. Just it doesn’t mean anything.
About the new girl he is dating – you don’t know what is exactly between them. Perhaps this girl hasn’t expressed herself (yet) so strongly as you did that she wants to have a relationship, so it’s easier for him to be with her. Perhaps if she already has kids and is freshly out from the relationship she even doesn’t want to have new serious relationship at the moment with anyone – in this case they are more suitable to each other anyway, because you wanted more and he wasn’t ready to give it.
Someone above said that if a man hasn’t made you a girlfriend within 2,5 months it will never happen – I guess it’s too black and white approach. Among my friends I have seen people gotten into good long term relationships from the one night stands; I have seen people interacting many years more and less at “friends or friends with benefits level” because the guy wasn’t ready, but getting married after he became ready; I have seen people having (accidentally) kid after 1-3 months of knowing each other and getting married after and building happy and lovely relationship… so there are no guarantees in life. In your case (and apparanetly mine too) it just wasn’t meant to be, even though we did everything “right”.
Anon
I think the guy who talks the talk but doesn’t follow through with their actions is not worth your time. Many guys just don’t do or say things to end a relationship- they just hope the girl will fade away.
T from NY
The problem is you were “hearing” his man-splaining like a woman instead of “hearing” his manspeak. He made it veryyy evident he was not boyfriend material and you chose to move forward because you wanted him to be into you and like you were into him. It’s OK. We have all been there as humans and dating.
I am not attempting to be argumentative — but the person who said women on this forum tell you to watch how much you get attached, butt that sometimes it can’t be helped because you just like someone more — is not accurate. Absolutely we as women will be disappointed in dating. That’s normally. We may even be temporarily stung or confused. But let me promise you this — once you love YOURSELF the MOST and see clearly the vision of what kind of man you want and are WILLING to stop living in the fantasy world of making men out to be something they are clearly showing you they are not — you will not be so distraught when someone shows you who they are. You will lick the wounds on your hopes on the man’s perceived character and you will resume living your authentic life.
It takes a long time to reach self love. And you won’t be perfect at it. But a guy who asserts that y’all are going in a certain direction – then frickin disappears — is CLEARLY telling you how he really feels and that he made a decision about his real feelings. You being “gentle” with him when he chose to come back (probably because some other girl didn’t work out) was an example of not having self love! Because his actions were loud and harsh — screw being gentle. You can’t tiptoe and coddle a man into a relationship. A man will make IT KNOWN with his consistent actions that he’s into you — or. he. just. will. not
I would take some time to sparse out that you needed to ask the question if you were mislead. I hope all the info you’ve received in this thread helps you go forward and allow only men worthy of you to be in your life. Get real with you, and you’re eventually find a guy really into you.
Ss
Were you mislead? Yeah I would say you were a bit – you were misled by his words but his actions were loud and clear should you have chosen to see them. But don’t beat yourself up over it – we have all been there and will probably be there again. That’s just dating and human emotions.
You say you did the right things and you did… aside from one thing – when a guy steps back and has space that’s fine, you give him that space, be warm and responsive, don’t push, let him chase. You did the warm fuzzy stuff but you didn’t let him chase! He didn’t have to work to get you right back to where you were the minute he decided he wanted to see you again. You said the right things at dinner. He didn’t though and you let it slid. When a man pulls back you mirror- great you did that. When a man steps back in you are responsive. Great you did that. When a man is trying to win you back you let him do the work to prove to you its not all words. Nope, you didn’t do that. You jumped straight back in relieved he had come back to you and he did no actual work and was not at all accountable about his “break”. He even told you that he enjoyed it!
The thing is, even if you had done things “right” once he stepped back in, it wouldn’t have changed the outcome. The guy wasn’t ready to date you … that’s not personal, it hurts like hell but its not a “you” problem its “him” problem. “Its not you its me” is a cliche because its often the exact truth. He wasn’t feeling it for you.
Where this new woman is concerned i totally get your feelings but you are making the assumption that its all great between them when actually who the hell knows?! She might be “the one” or she might be “the one for now” you don’t know, you won’t know and you don’t need to know.
Its crappy and believe me i rolled my eyes so much when i started reading this forum because everyone says do don’t over invest, dating is just exploring, take it as a blessing he showed you who he is, you dodged a bullet and you are now free to find Mr Right… it feels like patronising crap when you are hurt and just get told these things… but they are all absolutely true. Gospel, honest truths.
It hurts but i guarantee in a years time he won’t even be some one you think about really. When you do the sting of what feels like rejection will probably still smart a bit but you probably will have had lots of dramas in dating, good times, bad times … this will be a spec in your review mirror. From 18 months ago i cringe when i read back my journal and remember how i cried and sobbed my heart out over men that mean nothing and definitely were not for me. I cringe for the mistakes i made, for falling for his words because he seemed “different” we had an “amazing connection” etc … nope it was no different as their actions did not match at all and i chose to be blind to it.
Look after you. Cry it out, mope, vent – do what you need to so that he is a spec on that review mirror.
Big hugs to you xx
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