Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Waiting to decide on commitment thanks to social distancing and coronavirus
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 4 years ago by
Sensy.
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Mel
Recently relationships came up with the guy I am dating. We decided to spend time together and figure it out if we really wanted this or not. But literally two days afterwards, the city i live in put in Coronavirus restrictions. Now, we both care about our family’s safety so we decided to not see each other in person.
We talk once a day and call every few days. He says that things have been put on pause for him in terms of deciding anything now. If we can’t find quality time together, how can we make big decisions. Which I agree with to some extent, I don’t want to commit without having some serious face to face time either. But he likes talking to me and wants to continue calling and talking and revisit this once restrictions are going to be lifted because he sees potential too.
But a part of me feels like I am getting played, like he gets to keep me as an option. I had decided that if he didn’t bring up commitment by the 2.5/3 month mark, I was going to walk away. But with things on “pause”, I feel like I won’t be able to stick to what I wanted. Especially because I agree with him too.
This situation unprecedented and that its shear luck that time is on his side. We both still have our dating apps and I feel like I am on the loosing end of this.
Any insight ladies?
P.S. we haven’t had sex if that matters.
Newbie
I think the Corona bug will be an easy excuse for some people to get out and avoid having a convo about the status. I mean we have lots of deaths, pets included and flu’s presented as cases here. In your case: does it really matter to know now? Its not like you can pick up dating any time soon with someone else. From your post i cant tell if you did spend the few days together and how long you are dating. If its close to the 2.5 months than i think Yes he could be stalling. But again, he gave a valid reason so let him miss you a bit instead.
kaye
Why do you feel you’re on the losing end and he’s got the luck of time on his side? Seems to me you are in the exact same situation! He can’t be dating others/strangers during this time and neither can you. If he’s still call and talking to you and sees potential then I don’t understand the problem. He’s no more keeping you as an option right now that you are him! If you want to continue to talk to other guys on dating apps even though you can’t meet up, you are free to do that just as he is.
You kind of have to throw dating rules like the 3 month no commitment walk away decision out the window in times like this! Be flexible. If you aren’t willing to have sex until you are in a committed relationship, which I commend you for by the way, then stick with that and see where it goes.
Liz Lemon
You’re both in a holding pattern right now. Neither one of you is in a position to go out and physically date other people. I think if he is consistently calling and texting you, it’s a sign that he feels interest– it would be easy for a guy with low interest to use the coronavirus excuse to stop calling & fade away (by saying he’s stressed out or has too much to deal with, etc). So I actually think the fact that he is staying consistent with his contact with you is a positive sign. It means he feels something for you.
Rather than being suspicious and thinking he’s playing you, why not take him at his word. He told you he sees potential and wants to pick things back up again when the restrictions are lifted. Why not believe him? I know it’s very difficult to put things on pause when you were moving towards making a decision about commitment, but unfortunately that’s the way it is. I think the fact that he doesn’t want to rush into a decision (especially at a crazy time like this) is a positive thing.
And even if you did “commit” over the phone at this point, you still can’t see each other, or sleep together, or go on dates! You’ll be doing the exact same thing- just talking on the phone. Might as well keep talking on the phone and wait until the day when you can be together and make a fully informed decision about whether to commit.
And as others have pointed out, you are still on the dating app too and are free to talk to other guys during this time if you want to. So for now all you can really do is wait the situation out.
Mel
Thank you guys, I suppose I am feeling vulnerable right now because I like him. Its making me hesitant. I also appeared very bummed out and was asking if he wanted to continue talking and calling. He had very straight forwardly told me that he would let me know if he hadn’t wanted to. And I guess I felt as if I was nagging at him by asking that.
I guess I should not bring this up again until this coronavirus thing starts to blow over?
Tallspicy
Next time you want to know something ask an open ended question: now that communication is hard, what cadence are you imagining would work to keep us connected in your mind?
The reality is that reality is weird now. Take him at his word, let him lead in initiating most of the time. When you do reach out, it is because he is being consistent (texts every few days and a couple of calls a week is reasonable now), make sure it is adding value…. songs, movies, fun stuff. Be a light in his day.
Just wait, focus on you and be receptive to him.
Liz Lemon
Don’t bring it up again. Just be open and receptive to him, like Tallspicy said. This is a weird situation that no one has ever had to deal with before. It’s not the time for heavy relationship/commitment conversations that are better had in person.
He seems like a straightforward guy. He said that if he did not want to text/call you, he wouldn’t. And again, it would be very easy for a guy to be flaky these days, so if he’s being consistent, that’s significant.
Tallspicy’s point about being fun and light is good– be a pleasant point in his day. If he feels good calling and texting you, he’ll want to do it more. Obviously you should be your authentic self, but be fun and interesting. Share book, movie, playlist ideas with him, tell him about new recipes you’re trying while stuck at home, whatever. If you start getting heavy and pressuring him for answers to questions he can’t answer right now (and he really can’t give you an answer), you will just push him away.
As long as he is initiating and being consistent in his contact with you, you have nothing to be anxious about, I think. He’s doing the best he can in a very stressful, unprecedented time.
T from NY
I have a slightly different take on this. You did not specify how long you’ve been dating. If I had been dating a guy for almost 3 months and he was still “deciding” if he wanted to commit to me I wouldn’t tolerate it regardless of coronavirus times. I think your feelings are justified if it’s been over 2 months. Because I think what you’re feeling is – why continue to put my heart out there, engage with this guy and possibly develop deeper feelings by having long talks – not knowing where his head is at.
My point is – I believe most women intuit a lot of what’s going on before a guy admits it. If y’all have been dating 8-10 weeks prior to this and he is not calling you almost daily or video chatting or just generally trying to continue to be part of your life – he is not progressing the relationship even with these horrible realities we’re all dealing with.
You will have to do what feels the best for you. And I’m not saying you shouldn’t follow others advice and be open and receptive to him — if you feel you can. But for me- if we didn’t have significant contact that made me feel close to the guy – I would probably suggest to the man stepping back so I could refocus on myself and check in at a future date. IF it’s been less than 2 months – I agree with everyone above.
Sensy
Being so concerned is “pushing”. RELAX. If he wants you, when this is over, he will pursue you. Lean back and let him know pause for you is focusing on you and your family right now. It’s fine to say hi, but stop all that chatting.
Sensy
I STRONGLY believe he wants you to see your own value and not push. I could be wrong, but read it between your lines.
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