This topic contains 30 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by AngieBaby 1 day, 19 hours ago.
September 22, 2022 at 10:40 am #936743
I think you are being overly sensitive here. Its happened only twice when he was exhausted and sleeping so not sure why are making a big to do about it?
If 95% of your relationship is really good, then let the 5% roll off your back because this is how you learn about people. You just learned that doing the things you do when he’s falling asleep, or asleep, bugs him, so stop bugging him, and he won’t do it. Problem solved. To be honest if I was talking in my sleep, and my partner woke me up telling me “to hush” I would have told him to F OFF too, and not in a nice way.
I believe your inability to fully trust him by now is far worse than anything you’ve mentioned he’s done. Without a strong foundation of trust you can’t build a solid long-lasting relationship. At 9 months in, and knowing him 2 years before dating, you should be able to fully trust him by now. The fact you don’t or won’t is why you are struggling—this is not a him problem but a you problem IMO.October 1, 2022 at 9:19 am #937442
Tracy at first I thought your spidy-senses were tingling and the rudeness was a sign of deeper personality issues and his true self was revealing itself now that he is letting his mask slip off.
Then I read all your comments about the child custody issue, and my heart went out to him, because I’ve been through this myself. And until it happens to you, you can’t know what the words stress and despair even mean. These situations can make anyone act of character.
I think everyone above who’s posted has a valid point to make.
Two concerns are jumping out at me:
(1) even if he’s a good guy at his core, there’s a danger that a habit of disrespect is being set up. I think you’re supersmart to notice this and want to nip it in the bud. People will treat you anyway you let them, so don’t let your boundaries slip for anyone – keep them strong and safe. Setting up a precedent to be a dumping ground for another persons crap is dangerous ground – both for you and the relationship.
If this continues, then you’ll start to have very negative feelings towards each other, vocalised or not. Have you heard of Gottman’s Four Horsemen? Look it up.
(2) if it were me I’d keep watching and observing carefully. Someone above said you don’t know his ex’s side of the story, only what he’s told you – although I do concede the ring thing you mentioned sounds odd.
Sometimes what people say about others is actually projection, and they may not even be aware of the fact (or more concerningly, they are aware and the distortions are intentional to protect their own self-image).
I feel for you. I feel for all of you. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. It’s true that the children are the ones that suffer the most in these situations. And yet that doesn’t discount the very real suffering experienced by the adults involved in this situation too.
I think your friends on this post above are right, keep valuing yourself and doing things that raise your own self-esteem and validation.
Court cases are truly awful, just a terrible poisonous energy that seeps into life and causes havoc in every respect and every area. I think the stronger you can be inside yourself, the more of a rock that you can be for him.
And remember, rocks can provide a place of safety and offer strength to others, but they have very clear defined boundaries too.
And (3), an additional point that’s just come to me. Listen very carefully about how he talks about his child and what his actual actions demonstrate. Is he just criticising his ex and going on about how neglected the child is? Or do you sense and see evidence of true genuine concern for the child’s safety, health, well-being? How they feel and how they’re being developmentally affected?
Being a parent means making considerable sacrifices for your children. And in custody conflict situations, the stakes and sacrifices get even higher. The parent that genuinely loves their child – more than they care about their own ego or hurt – will do things for the child’s benefit that have no personal benefit to themselves. They’ll even bear any amount of suffering in the process, just to save the child from pain or a negative future. Basically they put the child first and this looks very different to someone who just talks about it.
There’s a whole lot more I could say, but these are just some initial thoughts that are coming up that may be worth considering.
You sound like a very thoughtful caring compassionate person who really loves him.
What I would say in conclusion, is that make sure you extend that kindness, care, consideration and love to yourself first. Life can throw us all kinds of dilemmas and challenges, and yet through it all, when you honour what is truly important and meaningful to you, it teaches other people how to treat you too. And you become a role model of love and inspiration for others to follow in difficult times too.
Sending my love to you, and I shall pray for all of you too. Stay strong. I pray that the peace in this situation be found swiftly for all of you 🙏😘❤️October 3, 2022 at 10:20 pm #937535
(or more concerningly, they are aware and the distortions are intentional to protect their own self-image). This is what I’m wondering as well. He once said he couldn’t stand when she walked in front of him. I decided to search his fb past and found a post where he’s apologizing for walking in front of HER. He once said she can’t cook. I found a picture of all her food and him thanking her for it. So there’s that.
As for the neglect I’ve witnessed it first hand. He’s struggling w money due to the child support and having to pay her legal fees. Due to that he wasn’t pushing the son to come to spend the wknd w him. Most of the time they didn’t pick up, or they ignored his texts but I noticed he had stopped pushing.
The other day he mentioned not going to court again because he’s tired of living paycheck to paycheck and he doesn’t have money for it. However I do believe the child needs to be taken away from the mom.
Which brings me to another point. The reason I tend to believe him is because of how the mother is conducting her life. Neglecting her son to go form another life to then get divorced and now still keeping the father (my bf) away. It’s a s**t show and while I need to hear both stories, her behavior is making me and everyone who is aware, look at her funny.
I’m exhausted emotionally. Because I feel like here I am, again being a help for divorced man, and being a mom for kids that aren’t mine. And yet as the years pass I don’t have children of my own because I’m older and because I refuse to have kids until I’m married…
I just want to be with someone who doesn’t have drama. And while he and I were friends I had no idea of this drama. I figured it was small stuff. This is insane. And while we have the kid on some weekends, I’ve noticed he puts his son to watch tv and jumps into the room w/ me, or on his phone to look at FB. Almost like he doesn’t wanna be a dad but wants to also. I’m confused. And when I get confused I get angry and when I get angry I will leave. it’s the friendship that keeps me there…he was there for me during very difficult times… and he’s so loving towards me and I know that no matter what happens he’s always there instantly. I’m so confused and I shouldn’t be…
Thank you all for the advice…October 4, 2022 at 1:48 am #937659
Take a HUGE step back…
His woes are HIS, not yours. Let him deal with his stuff or not.
Do you really want to be with this guy?
& really, you do not want to have a child with this guy.October 4, 2022 at 11:24 am #937686
Raven – If I take a step back I see him as my best friend, which is how we started. if I take a step back and focus on the now, I am in love with him. He’s there no matter what. He’s consistent. He apologizes and works on things that might affect us and him. He’s kind, and gentle, and watches what he says to me even when he’s angry. Going on 10 months and we have yet to have a full blown out cursing and yelling argument, mostly because we have both been through that in previous toxic situations, and we both work towards not having that as our narrative. He makes me laugh, doesn’t take the world too seriously, and let me influence him. I want to have his openness, and he inspires me to not be so emotional, to stop and think first.
I’m trying to lose weight so he works out with me, gave me a membership, and encourages me through the entire workout. When I’ sad or upset and don’t speak it, he knows and encourages me to speak and won’t leave until I feel safe to do so.
He brags about me to family, and lists my accomplishments when I’m down. He has unique nicknames for me, and thanks me for the littlest things.
So you see why It’s hard for me to just not see him as my husband and possibly the father of my first child. At what point do we say, “he’s the one, although he’s not perfect” I’m starting to wonder, what exactly are little flaws? My non-negotiables have not been an issue here. IF anything I’ve been the one picking on HIM.
The only flaw here is the situation with his ex. Which no matter how many times I’ve asked for what the real issue is, and why she’s acting so insane, he says, “I don’t know” And this is an issue. AFter all these years I would like to know he did the work that would’ve supplied him with an answer to this question. But not everyone is as restrospective or reflective as I am.
Anyway I sound confused because I am…October 4, 2022 at 5:55 pm #937723
Tracy, it’s time to go and talk with someone in person about this so you can sort through everything and decide what YOU really want in your life. It’s easy for us to all tell you to leave, but I doubt you will. On the other hand, your future is at stake and you need to take this seriously. I’ve been where you are and I stayed in it way too long. That’s why I won’t go anywhere near a man with open legal issues with an ex, no matter how nice he is to me. He is not totally available and you are never going to be anything but a distant third behind the ex and the child.
It sounds like this is a younger child. If you stick around, you’re going to be in for years of constant drama. And let me tell you, do not underestimate the financial consequences of being with a man still paying for his last marriage. If he’s that broke, he can’t afford to marry you and have a child with you. Do you fully understand the years of financial strain you’re letting yourself in for? You need to consider that very, very carefully. That can affect the rest of your life, big time.
You may be in love with him and he is your best friend and all that… but that’s not enough to sustain a long-term relationship or marriage. Also – you’re seeing what he’s like as a father. Do you want to do everything for the child if you have one with him? He’s not prioritizing his child and that’s very concerning. Also, consider that as this child gets older he’s likely to have issues due to all this turmoil and unhealthy home situations.
You’re obviously welcome to post here, but you’re obviously torn and and twisting in the wind over this and I don’t think there’s anything more anyone can say here to help you get clarity, and you don’t want to end a relationship over what some strangers on the internet tell you to do anyway. It can be harmful to keep going over the same ground by posting here. I hope you will step back, find a counselor to work through this with in real life and come back with an update at some point.
Best of luck. We’re in your corner here.