This topic contains 26 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by M 1 day, 12 hours ago.
September 22, 2022 at 10:40 am #936743
I think you are being overly sensitive here. Its happened only twice when he was exhausted and sleeping so not sure why are making a big to do about it?
If 95% of your relationship is really good, then let the 5% roll off your back because this is how you learn about people. You just learned that doing the things you do when he’s falling asleep, or asleep, bugs him, so stop bugging him, and he won’t do it. Problem solved. To be honest if I was talking in my sleep, and my partner woke me up telling me “to hush” I would have told him to F OFF too, and not in a nice way.
I believe your inability to fully trust him by now is far worse than anything you’ve mentioned he’s done. Without a strong foundation of trust you can’t build a solid long-lasting relationship. At 9 months in, and knowing him 2 years before dating, you should be able to fully trust him by now. The fact you don’t or won’t is why you are struggling—this is not a him problem but a you problem IMO.October 1, 2022 at 9:19 am #937442
Tracy at first I thought your spidy-senses were tingling and the rudeness was a sign of deeper personality issues and his true self was revealing itself now that he is letting his mask slip off.
Then I read all your comments about the child custody issue, and my heart went out to him, because I’ve been through this myself. And until it happens to you, you can’t know what the words stress and despair even mean. These situations can make anyone act of character.
I think everyone above who’s posted has a valid point to make.
Two concerns are jumping out at me:
(1) even if he’s a good guy at his core, there’s a danger that a habit of disrespect is being set up. I think you’re supersmart to notice this and want to nip it in the bud. People will treat you anyway you let them, so don’t let your boundaries slip for anyone – keep them strong and safe. Setting up a precedent to be a dumping ground for another persons crap is dangerous ground – both for you and the relationship.
If this continues, then you’ll start to have very negative feelings towards each other, vocalised or not. Have you heard of Gottman’s Four Horsemen? Look it up.
(2) if it were me I’d keep watching and observing carefully. Someone above said you don’t know his ex’s side of the story, only what he’s told you – although I do concede the ring thing you mentioned sounds odd.
Sometimes what people say about others is actually projection, and they may not even be aware of the fact (or more concerningly, they are aware and the distortions are intentional to protect their own self-image).
I feel for you. I feel for all of you. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. It’s true that the children are the ones that suffer the most in these situations. And yet that doesn’t discount the very real suffering experienced by the adults involved in this situation too.
I think your friends on this post above are right, keep valuing yourself and doing things that raise your own self-esteem and validation.
Court cases are truly awful, just a terrible poisonous energy that seeps into life and causes havoc in every respect and every area. I think the stronger you can be inside yourself, the more of a rock that you can be for him.
And remember, rocks can provide a place of safety and offer strength to others, but they have very clear defined boundaries too.
And (3), an additional point that’s just come to me. Listen very carefully about how he talks about his child and what his actual actions demonstrate. Is he just criticising his ex and going on about how neglected the child is? Or do you sense and see evidence of true genuine concern for the child’s safety, health, well-being? How they feel and how they’re being developmentally affected?
Being a parent means making considerable sacrifices for your children. And in custody conflict situations, the stakes and sacrifices get even higher. The parent that genuinely loves their child – more than they care about their own ego or hurt – will do things for the child’s benefit that have no personal benefit to themselves. They’ll even bear any amount of suffering in the process, just to save the child from pain or a negative future. Basically they put the child first and this looks very different to someone who just talks about it.
There’s a whole lot more I could say, but these are just some initial thoughts that are coming up that may be worth considering.
You sound like a very thoughtful caring compassionate person who really loves him.
What I would say in conclusion, is that make sure you extend that kindness, care, consideration and love to yourself first. Life can throw us all kinds of dilemmas and challenges, and yet through it all, when you honour what is truly important and meaningful to you, it teaches other people how to treat you too. And you become a role model of love and inspiration for others to follow in difficult times too.
Sending my love to you, and I shall pray for all of you too. Stay strong. I pray that the peace in this situation be found swiftly for all of you 🙏😘❤️