Talking Tired?

Tracy at first I thought your spidy-senses were tingling and the rudeness was a sign of deeper personality issues and his true self was revealing itself now that he is letting his mask slip off.

Then I read all your comments about the child custody issue, and my heart went out to him, because I’ve been through this myself. And until it happens to you, you can’t know what the words stress and despair even mean. These situations can make anyone act of character.

I think everyone above who’s posted has a valid point to make.

Two concerns are jumping out at me:

(1) even if he’s a good guy at his core, there’s a danger that a habit of disrespect is being set up. I think you’re supersmart to notice this and want to nip it in the bud. People will treat you anyway you let them, so don’t let your boundaries slip for anyone – keep them strong and safe. Setting up a precedent to be a dumping ground for another persons crap is dangerous ground – both for you and the relationship.

If this continues, then you’ll start to have very negative feelings towards each other, vocalised or not. Have you heard of Gottman’s Four Horsemen? Look it up.

(2) if it were me I’d keep watching and observing carefully. Someone above said you don’t know his ex’s side of the story, only what he’s told you – although I do concede the ring thing you mentioned sounds odd.

Sometimes what people say about others is actually projection, and they may not even be aware of the fact (or more concerningly, they are aware and the distortions are intentional to protect their own self-image).

I feel for you. I feel for all of you. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. It’s true that the children are the ones that suffer the most in these situations. And yet that doesn’t discount the very real suffering experienced by the adults involved in this situation too.

I think your friends on this post above are right, keep valuing yourself and doing things that raise your own self-esteem and validation.

Court cases are truly awful, just a terrible poisonous energy that seeps into life and causes havoc in every respect and every area. I think the stronger you can be inside yourself, the more of a rock that you can be for him.

And remember, rocks can provide a place of safety and offer strength to others, but they have very clear defined boundaries too.

And (3), an additional point that’s just come to me. Listen very carefully about how he talks about his child and what his actual actions demonstrate. Is he just criticising his ex and going on about how neglected the child is? Or do you sense and see evidence of true genuine concern for the child’s safety, health, well-being? How they feel and how they’re being developmentally affected?

Being a parent means making considerable sacrifices for your children. And in custody conflict situations, the stakes and sacrifices get even higher. The parent that genuinely loves their child – more than they care about their own ego or hurt – will do things for the child’s benefit that have no personal benefit to themselves. They’ll even bear any amount of suffering in the process, just to save the child from pain or a negative future. Basically they put the child first and this looks very different to someone who just talks about it.

There’s a whole lot more I could say, but these are just some initial thoughts that are coming up that may be worth considering.

You sound like a very thoughtful caring compassionate person who really loves him.

What I would say in conclusion, is that make sure you extend that kindness, care, consideration and love to yourself first. Life can throw us all kinds of dilemmas and challenges, and yet through it all, when you honour what is truly important and meaningful to you, it teaches other people how to treat you too. And you become a role model of love and inspiration for others to follow in difficult times too.

Sending my love to you, and I shall pray for all of you too. Stay strong. I pray that the peace in this situation be found swiftly for all of you 🙏😘❤️

Take a HUGE step back…
His woes are HIS, not yours. Let him deal with his stuff or not.

Do you really want to be with this guy?
& really, you do not want to have a child with this guy.

Tracy, it’s time to go and talk with someone in person about this so you can sort through everything and decide what YOU really want in your life. It’s easy for us to all tell you to leave, but I doubt you will. On the other hand, your future is at stake and you need to take this seriously. I’ve been where you are and I stayed in it way too long. That’s why I won’t go anywhere near a man with open legal issues with an ex, no matter how nice he is to me. He is not totally available and you are never going to be anything but a distant third behind the ex and the child.

It sounds like this is a younger child. If you stick around, you’re going to be in for years of constant drama. And let me tell you, do not underestimate the financial consequences of being with a man still paying for his last marriage. If he’s that broke, he can’t afford to marry you and have a child with you. Do you fully understand the years of financial strain you’re letting yourself in for? You need to consider that very, very carefully. That can affect the rest of your life, big time.

You may be in love with him and he is your best friend and all that… but that’s not enough to sustain a long-term relationship or marriage. Also – you’re seeing what he’s like as a father. Do you want to do everything for the child if you have one with him? He’s not prioritizing his child and that’s very concerning. Also, consider that as this child gets older he’s likely to have issues due to all this turmoil and unhealthy home situations.

You’re obviously welcome to post here, but you’re obviously torn and and twisting in the wind over this and I don’t think there’s anything more anyone can say here to help you get clarity, and you don’t want to end a relationship over what some strangers on the internet tell you to do anyway. It can be harmful to keep going over the same ground by posting here. I hope you will step back, find a counselor to work through this with in real life and come back with an update at some point.

Best of luck. We’re in your corner here.