Talking Tired?

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This topic contains 26 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  M 1 day, 13 hours ago.

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  • #936201 Reply

    Sleep Talking

    Hi All,
    My bf of 9 months said something really hurtful to me while I thought he was sleeping. I heard him talking and I started to shush him gently, because I thought he was havinga nightmare. He says loudly, don’t shush me I’m a grown man. His natural manner and demanor is gentle and funny and chivalrous and all around a good guy. Everyone loves him. But that took me by surprise. Then I remembered another time when he was rude also. It was at month 3. In the middle of the night I kissed him after going to the bathroom. I laid down and was going back to sleep so I kissed his neck. He says, again loudly, “Are you starting something or ending something because I’m exhausted” That time I simply ignored it because I thought he was tired. But it wold come back to mind from time to time. Fast forward to last week. Couple that w him being distant, and always watching youtube vids, and now I’m angry. Don’t tell me you love me and act like this. I get hes going through A LOT with an exwife and custody. But his stress (of which he claims he has none) is being let loose on me.
    So we had a little argument and havent spoken since this morning. I”m angry I”m scared I made another mistake with another man.
    Am I overreacting? I told him hes being very distant and saying hurtful things while hes in bed. He says he doesn’t remember.
    I”m so confused. What do I do? What do his words mean? Was he sleeping? Is he lying?

    #936203 Reply


    In my experience if you get involved with a man who is still in any open conflict with an ex, he’s going to take out his anger on you because he can’t take it out on her. Not likely he’ll admit it, apologize for it or stop it when you point it out. Therefore, I don’t date men who have open legal issues with an ex, because what they really have is an open wound that you will suffer for even though you didn’t cause it. At 9 months in, you’re seeing who he really is. You have to be willing to see beyond the nice guy exterior and assess what he’s really like and if you want to continue being around someone who treats you like this.

    #936205 Reply


    My husband has startle reactions when he’s sleeping & I went through something similar…

    I basically told him to knock it off & put my foot down…
    Do not allow anyone to be disrespectful in your bed.

    #936219 Reply


    Thank you raven for sharing. I feel he’s very stressed over some exwife custody things. And while I support him in this, it’s such a horrible situation that I know he’s very stressed. But i’m not here to have your stress taken out on.

    angie yes – Im learning this the hard way….

    #936225 Reply


    Don’t let anyone treat you wid disrespect! Times whn things dont go according to plan. Hppns to us all.. dsnt mean we becme punching bags!

    #936227 Reply


    @Tracy, Are you two living together?
    When he’s being disrespectful, go back to your place for a days…

    #936250 Reply


    2 times in 7 months seems totally reasonable for someone to be moody. Don’t make big deal of it, just ask out of curiosity and ask him to stop it. People are not perfect. I honestly don’t think either of those things from a half asleep person is that bad. More like, hrmph, grumpy pants.

    #936279 Reply


    @Raven – no we aren’t living together although he hints at it. I’m against living together until we are married.He’s also been grumpy the last time I mentioned us going into a baby store, he snapped and said “for what,” Hes the one who has mentioned pregnancy since month 1.5. Not me. I’m 45 and happy being childless. He has a child and an exwife who makes his life miserable by making visiting times hard. I’m there, and has been there for him as a support since we were friends for 2 years prior. But now I’m wondering if all the troubles are his doing as he’s let her get away with alot. So that’s the underlying issue here and i wonder if he really does love me. It’s been hard for my already low selfesteem and no trusting self to maintain.

    #936280 Reply


    @tallspicy I hear what you’re saying but I also feel it’s too soon to be so comfy with showing that side of yourself. Or maybe it’s that I put alot of my troubles (which has been insurmountable and of which he has been supportive) to the side and I manage to not be grumpy and not show that side of myself or his beneft. Why can’t he do the same?

    #936288 Reply


    I don’t think there’s enough information to go on in your posts to answer what you’re asking about how he feels about you. If you’ve seen two isolated incidents that he’s rough in tone when he’s exhausted and then he doesn’t remember, it may be nothing. But if in general you feel like he’s taking stress out on you beyond that, then you tell him so directly and that it isn’t acceptable (like Raven said). It doesn’t matter if he “remembers” or not, if he cares about you and the relationship he will consider that you are feeling that way and work on it (good) or he will minimize and dismiss your feelings (in which case you should reconsider the relationship).

    I also don’t think it’s ever too soon for a guy to show a side of himself, because if there’s something that you don’t like or is incompatible between you two, the sooner you find out about it the better. If someone is acting too familiar too “soon”, has bad boundaries, or he’s acting in a way that you don’t feel you’ve mutually built enough trust yet in the relationship to support, then good! Because you are getting information you need sooner to make decisions about moving forward investing in the relationship.

    That being said, while you are very correct that you shouldn’t take your stress or troubles out on him (and vice-versa), are you still openly communicating with him about what’s going on with you? You don’t want to have to feel you are putting your own needs aside or hiding parts of yourself completely in a relationship because it’s obviously making you resentful. That builds up over time, too.

    So it seems like there’s a couple different issues going on here that need to be addressed, maybe starting from the question do you feel fully respected by him in your relationship? And also being honest with yourself about if there’s enough direct communication going on or if anyone is walking on eggshells about certain topics instead.

    #936301 Reply


    He does not owe it to you to be people pleasing because you are. 9 months is absolutely enough time to be comfortable to say the wrong thing sometimes and honestly, I think normal. He is not showing anything out of the ordinary, and your sensitivity is your issue (you can still ask him to be careful). I don’t see anything really disrespectful. Your options are to talk about it at a good time when he is open to connecting with a specific request, change your focus to what he is doing right or break up with him.

    #936308 Reply


    I think if someone talks badly to you wid disrespect, its upto you to ensure certains boundaries are maintained. I think if it keeps happening and we just brush it under the carpet and think its ok smtms, we basically pave way for future behaviour. I hv seen it happen with close relatives. So while i am not saying it means you need to break off, but its imp whn it happens you ensure boone crosses boundary.

    #936323 Reply


    @Sleep Talking/Tracy, At some point you have to get real…

    Here’s my concern for you… You are afraid to get real.
    Your low selfesteem and no trusting self” is afraid to make waves & really talk about what is going on- you’re afraid you’ll scare him off & he’ll leave you…

    You’ve painted yourself into a corner. Do you have heavy conversations or are you all roses? How does he react?

    You’ve known each other for 2 years, been together for 9 months. How long has he been divorced?

    #936356 Reply


    Raven, weve had deep convos. He knows it’s hard for me to trust. He doesn’t have it fully, yet.
    He’s been divorced 3 years, separated from her for 6.
    I am not afraid to bring up the hard stuff. The problem is I’ve been bringing stuff up and he never does. So I’m torn between staying shut and opening my mouth..

    #936534 Reply


    Divorced three years after being separated for six… and there’s still fighting and drama going on? What’s the story on that? Any end in sight or is this over a young child?

    #936535 Reply


    Ok, You’ve been a couple for 2 years & you don’t trust him…

    I think you need to really deep dive into why don’t trust him or move on, cos it sounds like you just don’t like him.

    And, honestly taking a look at what @AngieBaby wrote, I know I wouldn’t be ‘happy’ with the others relationship stuff that is STILL lingering…

    #936561 Reply


    its over a child…she broke the settlement on visitation, he took her to court, she took him to court then kept him away…meanwhile the child is being neglected…

    #936562 Reply


    divorced 3 years seperated for 2 before that….as a child of divorce and knowing many couples who are divorced, i’ve never seen someone still so angry and a situation that isn’t settling…she wore her ring into the second year of their seperation and she filed. He says they’ve never been intimate, and nothing is there. But this is the root of my problems with him…like what is the problem? why can’t they just settle into a rhythm? She’s also gone on and married someone and is on her second i don’t get it.

    #936609 Reply


    Just my two cents about the last comment tracy made:

    Sometimes it takes years to settle into a rhythm after a divorce/break-up where kids are involved. You also only know his side of the story. Not things from her perspective. Maybe she had her reasons for wearing her wedding ring for years after the divorce even though she filed for it.

    Just because someone files for divorce it does not mean that they didn’t try to “save” the marriage or that they no longer love/care for the person they are divorcing.

    I also second everything that Ravens said. Seriously, if you’ve been together for 2 years and you don’t trust him then why are you even with him? It doesn’t make sense.

    #936632 Reply


    Gaia, thank you for your advice. He says they never touched eachother once they were separated and she had a boyfriend. thats why seeing the ring on her right hand is weird to me.

    #936638 Reply


    Again – how old is this child?? This is a VERY screwed up situation. It could go on like this for years and years.

    Is your low self esteem possibly running in the background, making you think you don’t deserve any better than being a distant third behind an ex and a child?

    Honestly Tracy… I’d get out of this. I know this isn’t what you want to hear right now, but the writing is on the wall and you’re ignoring it. The ex clearly ongoing angry and using the child as a weapon against your BF, and the child is being neglected, which means at some point your BF may have to fight for full custody if he isn’t already and then you’ll have a child with issues living with him full-time. And probably her mother still causing trouble.

    You are never going to get all his attention and no offense but where do you think it’s really going between you and him with all this drama around him?? You deserve a lot better than this. You’re going to have to walk away and stop being a bit player in this sh*t show if you’re going to have the life you really want that includes a happy healthy relationship with a man. Otherwise all you’re going to do is pay the price for his ex’s sins.

    #936656 Reply


    I agree with angiebaby! I hv close guy friends, one a widower with 2 grown up children and another frnd closer to my age, whos divorced with a son. Both the guys keeps cancelling dates at a moments notice due to kids issues. Since am not serious abt these guys its ok. But in ur case there is soo much drama. Hope you know what your signing up for.

    #936669 Reply


    Hi Tammy, thats not the case. He has never cancelled a date in 9 months of being with me. It’s the exwife who just doesn’t show up or responds to calls. I’m not suffering here, he is. But I do feel for him and accept that he has drama. However, we were best friends before this and I knew what I was getting into. He stil manages to be a rock for me and supportive of me through various losses and tragedies I’ve had in just 9 months myself. So there is no kid issue where he cancels on me. i think you misunderstood.But thank you for the advice and I would never put up wit that if it was indeed an issue.

    #936670 Reply


    Angiebaby, I hear everything you’re saying. However in spite of all this I don’t feel ignored. He calls throughout the day, all his free time he is with me, we text, we are open, he apologizes when I point something out to him, he doesn’t say much about what I’m doing, but he’s just a very quiet person. I know I have his heart and his full attention. He’s encouraged me to do things for my life and I have done the same for him. We lift eachother up and manage to laugh through what we are each going through. He’s been there for me before I asked, I never spend a dime, he’s taken me on vacation and asked my advice. And i do the same for him. I’be gotten him very small gifts because he said he feels uncomfortable taking from his lady. I know his fam and my fam knows him and for the most part we are amazing together. So I have his attention, otherwise I’d def be considering leaving.

    #936732 Reply


    You seem to know exactly what your getting from him and from the relatnship. Write your pros and cons on a sheet of paper, introspect and then take a call… You guys both seem supportive and care for each other. Thats gud.

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