SOS!! Unnecessarily complicated: from friends to LDR to ex to idk..

So he and I are LDR since 13 years ago, we were (you’ll see why I used past) extremely close to the point that we considered ourselves best friends. All his exes hated me and my exes hated him because they all thought that we were actually cheating (which was absolutely not the case) he was gonna get married 3 years ago but broke up with then girlfriend. After a year and a half of breaking things off with his ex, he came to see me, I was seeing other guy months prior his visit and it ended badly. My friend was extremely jealous of him, and wasted no opportunity to trash him and tell me how lovely, beautiful, precious I was to him. So, whilst I was dating other guy at the same time I was feeling weird things about my friend, I always kinda find him cute and funny but suddenly I found myself thinking about him all day (it didn’t help that we texted EVERYDAY and facetimed every once in a while).

He stumbled upon his previous ex (not the fiance) and hooked up with her, which pissed me the hell off cuz she cheated on him several times and were really crappy with him, he told me he was thinking about dating her again and I lost my s**t, we fought, I told him he was weak and didn’t respect himself and that was our first ever fight. We stopped talking for almost 3 days and he called me again in tears saying he missed me, I cried too, we laughed and got back together (friendly speaking) at that point I realized I liked him and that I lashed out to him mainly because I cared for him and he was heading over a cliff but also in part out of jealousy.

I thought it was the right thing to do to tell him how I felt because I felt dishonest whenever he turned to me to tell me about that girl and I didn’t feel as though I could impartially respond to his concerns so I told him. I was pretty sure it wasn’t mutual, so I told him I could give him some space if needed and there wouldn’t be any drama if he decided not to see me during his trip (3 weeks) he was shocked, he was about to enter a concert so he said he will call me back. He did, he told me he was head over heels for me all this years but settled for a friendship as I never took a hint, so he started seeing other people and moved on. So there, we said it, we started flirting, calling now sweet nothings to each other, sexting and all, he arrived and things were great. Until they weren’t… a friend of mine in a party told him “you’re Rachel’s boyfriend?” He said yes, and I got my hopes up. After 2 days I mentioned that incident which apparently he didn’t think about that much and we fought… hard. It was partially awkward, partially sweet after that but we ended up in this gray area, he left, we kept in touch but not quite as before as friends but neither as a couple per se. He was going to move to my city to study and work, unfortunately he was not accepted at the university and that hurt us a lot. I resented him for not putting too much effort on his studies and not telling me right away be got turned down (he let me know after 2 months and several inquiries/fights I started) and we decided it was better to break it off. However… we never stopped talking, and he mentioned several times that he wanted me to visit him there but I really didn’t want to because my mom advised against it, saying it would give him the wrong signal and that I’d look desperate, I told him so and he got offended by me saying I didn’t have any reason to visit… After giving it much thought I decided to go and see him out of an impulse of having the money to pay the ticket, time and not being able to travel (which I LOVE) in almost a year.

I went there supposedly just to travel around (or so I told myself) we met, after a terrible airbnb incident and his city being declared in a state of emergency with the military shooting people off on the streets and everything he suggested it was best for me to stay at his place with his parents, I agreed. He introduced me to his whole family and friends, invited me to parties with his friends and basically happened the same when he was at my place, both our families and friends rooted for this so called perfect relationship except this time we didn’t fight.

Two days before I left he told me he wanted to be in a relationship with me (finally! I happily thought) and even said he wanted to have kids with me. I agreed, agreed to everything, heart and soul, the distance we will deal with later we thought as he was applying for the grant again or I was going to move to his country to work on my PhD, whichever happened first.

That night he got sick and we had to rush to the hospital I stayed the night there to take care of him, his parents left him on my care, and I missed my flight. When he woke up and I was able to enter his room we talked he was amazed that I had stick around for him and even missed my flight, which I of course was gonna do because he’s… not the love of my life because I don’t think there’s such thing
but he’s something unique, it’s as close to me as my family, as important to me as a best friend and I trusted him with everything almost like a brother. So, we were free to go and he asked me to grab his phone (which he never did up to that point cuz his ex fiance used to spy on his phone and blocked people without his consent or deliberately erased messages, sometimes mine’s) and then I saw his ex (the one he was seeing before I confessed my feelings to him) texting him about a date they had or were about to have one day before I arrived. I froze, I didn’t know what to say and went silent all the way to his home. Once we arrived I told him I was gonna use the same lyft to leave and get to the airport I just needed to grab my stuff which shocked him as we previously agreed that he was dropping me off the next day. I told him I changed my mind and that I didn’t want to leave tomorrow, I wanted to leave NOW. He was of course puzzled and the lyft lady was the cherry on top of the awkwardness… I couldn’t help myself and cried, a lot, uncontrollably. So he let her go and got me into his house, we fought HARD I told him I didn’t want to do anything with him, that I was second guessing my decision of going long distance and that it was all a lie. He was shocked and asked me what was wrong with me I didn’t find the courage to tell him what I saw because I thought he was gonna think I deliberately spied on him and that wasn’t the case so I lied and told him a stupid excuse of him mumbling out her name on his sleep which he found absurd. His parents arrived and we stopped talking about it. I left the next day we agreed to sorta let it go and give it a try long distance, but I was zero, like… ZERO invested. As soon as I got home I trashed him with my friends, went total control freak with him, we fought a lot and we ended up breaking up with me confessing everything (included the infamous lie and the message) which led to him deciding not to be with me anymore and me asking for time and space to fall out of love with him, because I still cared about him (to this day I still do).

This whole drama leads us to 2020, we tried to stop talking, we couldn’t, we tried being friends again, we can’t, I told him this is devastating to me because I do love him to a point where it’s killing me and that I DO need space, but he told me he still cares a lot about me and he thinks we can get together again eventually, but we are clearly having issues on both ends: I have deep trust issues and he’s been historically unable to be alone, so when he went running to his comfort ex when things didn’t work out with me, my existing demons were able to fulfill their ghastly self prophecy of: told you so…

With all of this being long distance is a recipe for disaster, so that’s out of the question, but how do I get back to being friends? (If that’s even remotely possible) To love each other’s like we used to and truly, honestly care for the other’s well being without turning this into a toxic mess all over again? I know him enough to confidently say he loves me and he cares for me so much that he would never intentionally do me harm but I don’t think he realizes how much he’s hurting me by him laying crumbs of loving me romantically and leaving the door open for a relationship with me when we both know it’s impossible for all the reasons exposed above.

I really do want him on my life, I just don’t think we can be a couple, even though we love each other so so much… :'(

Oh and on top of that… I was gonna visit again but my trip got canceled because of Corona, he’s having a terrible terrible time dealing with anxiety and depression, his entire family (including him) is out of work and although I’m practicing social distance and had to give up my appartment for a month to take care of my grandma, I’m really ok, I’m thankful to still have a steady job, savings, my family and friends are safe and sound and pretty I’m content, I’d like to be there for him in these difficult times but every time I try to be friendly there he goes wooing me again and I like this man so much that he melts away any resolution I have. Anyways, it’s quite the mess I got myself into since 13 years ago and now I’m probably reaping what I saw, I’m thankful enough if someone reads this up to the end and well any piece of advice it’s really really appreciated.

Thank you.