Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Sliding in another girl's DM
- This topic has 12 replies and was last updated 4 years, 2 months ago by
T from NY.
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Eve
On the 26 me and my fiance had our 1 year anniversery. On that day I also got a message on FB from a girl I have never met or seen before. The message was long but basically she said that she and my bf was friends on fb before (before him i met) but she deleted him and saw later that he was in an relationship with someone (me).
Then she wrote that 3 weeks ago he started liking a lot of her pictures and DM her. He wrote that she was the pretties girl he had ever seen and that her eyes melts him and heart emoji.I talked to him about and gave him the chance to come clean but he denied the whole thing until I showed him the screenshot….
We are no broken up but he is blowing up my phone with Im sorryes and what not… I do miss him but this is not the first time he betrayes my trust.
He has been cheated on by a former gf and i caught him snoping on my phone whenever i was a sleep. I forgave him but told him if he ever betrayes my trust again I would leave. And so I have.
He is really the most carying person I have ever been with. He does everything for me, he even buys me flowers every month! Comes to my work with lunch on his lunch break. He loves my children and does everuthing for them as well.
But this is so humiliating. I dont know if im doing the right thing or should give him another shot to rebuild the trust?
What should i do?
Sorry for the messed up english.. I live in Norway so not my first language.
Newbie
He did this knowingly well it was flirting behind your back and you wouldnt know if she hadnt told you. If he has done this before i would say he probably has done it in between. I would be like you and be done with it. No nice acts make up for the biggest betrayal. Youre not married yet so you can call it off. Of course you will experience loss, but whats the alternative?
kaye
To me it sounds like he was snooping in your phone because he knew HE was going behind your back messaging and flirting with other women so he figured you were doing the same!! You say he’s your FIANCE after a year. He’s not just your BF!! If he can’t show the commitment of wanting to marry you and not tell other women they melt him, then you are right to leave. And the other thing is he was going to lie to you about it!! He didn’t come clean until you showed him the evidence. That doesn’t sound like a decent guy to me.
Buying you flowers and bringing you lunch could be his way of covering up the guilt of him going behind your back with other women! I seriously doubt this is the only woman he has done this with. It’s up to you whether you want to give this guy another chance but you having children adds another level to the situation. You are also putting them through the pain and heartache of developing a bond with this man only to have him break it. You need to think about their best interest too.
K
In my experience guys who have been cheated on do some messed up s*** because they don’t know how to deal with the pain and hurt and so it festers and screws them up in all kinds of ways.
They will self sabotage and sabotage a good relationship for no reason because if things are going well they are sitting there waiting for the other shoe to drop and when it doesn’t they get anxious and create a problem. So they don’t get cheated on or left again. It’s crazy. The weird thing too is he isn’t doing this consciously and I”m sure he really loves you.
As it’s not the first time he’s broken your trust, even though you say he has a lot of positive qualities, I would not take him back no matter what he does. He will keep doing stuff like this and it will escalate, no question. He needs therapy to work through being hurt before to resolve those underlying issues. Until he bites the bullet and gets professional counseling to address the issues, he will keep doing this. It’s the very rare man who can get over being cheated on by himself.
When I meet a man who’s been cheated on I ask a lot of questions about what happened and how he handled it and whether he got counseling. Only if he can really demonstrate he handled it and cleared it and he’s not got a victim identity from it will I continue seeing him. Otherwise you will end up paying the price for another woman’s sins.
LaFrance Thibodeaux
Eve,You told him that you’d leave him if you’d ever catch him doing wrong again..YOU CAUGHT HIM!!..Now stick to your word..
Khadija
You did the right thing.
He was warned that if he messed up again you would leave and you did.I see no reason to go back unless you want to get humiliated again.
Going back to him would send a message that if he begs and apologizes enough he will be forgiven for cheating.
Newbie
Yeah really dont go back. Even if he is nice to your kids they will see a player getting around, like my dad for instance was. No good at all
Eve
Hi,
Thanks for all the good feedback :)I got to say it hurts. I tried to be tell the truth both positiv and negative hoping for you guys to say give him another chance. But thats beacuse I care for this man and I love him.
I agree with you all that you wrote “K”. Ive even told him that it feels like you creating drama when there are non. Like we could have an absolute great 3 months with travelling in Europe and spending time with the kids and etc and then he goes and does some really dump s**t and ruins a perfect relationship.
He needs to seek help. Im just sad that I after several years of being treated by guys tought i finally found someone that I actually wanted to grow old with. He is the second guy I introduce to my kids and family, and Im 34!!
Sucks…
Thnx for all the advice :)
T from NY
Let me tell you what good, healthy men who’ve been cheated on do – they go forward and NEVER wreak that harm onto another person because they KNOW how devastating it is.
Sure there are good men who don’t process their trauma, so are anxious, jealous, self-sabotaging etc. But let’s qualify – those are good men that are SICK and need to get their damn biz together.
He’s a CHEATER. Telling another woman she’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen… Puke in my mouth. What an arse. Women are allowed to choose how they’re treated. I have ZERO tolerance for outright cheating which is what he did seeking someone out and messaging them.
I’m sorry he hurt you. No one deserves deception. And the “almost the one” hurt the most I think – especially if you’re blind sided. But better to be alone with your dignity, as well as emotional safety for you, AND your kids, then with someone not worthy of you and not being authentic. You’ll get through this. He doesn’t deserve one more syllable from your mouth.
K
T, it’s not always that black and white and sadly I”ve met very few men who really get over being cheated on and it has no effect on their forward behavior and current relationship.
I’ve met some great men who were cheated on and I swear they’ve got PTSD in that one area. I had no choice to walk away from a very good man I would have seriously considered marrying a couple of years ago because he just couldn’t tell the truth about some important things because he was so fearful I would think he was weak and go find another man behind his back like his ex-wife did. I hung in there with him because he treated me extremely well otherwise and is a quality person and was willing to get into therapy. But we kept going over the same ground in one important area and when I found out accidentally he had stopped going to counseling, I had no choice but to leave. This is a highly educated and successful man who knows right from wrong. But the damage level was too high. Maybe some other woman will be more tolerant. But I couldn’t deal with someone who stopped seeing the help he needed to get better and letting me believe he was still going.
K
Eve, it’s one of the hardest things to understand when you meet a great guy and he creates such entirely unnecessary drama it’s mind boggling.
Whatever you fear the most, you will create. No ifs ands or buts about it. That’s exactly what he did.
He left you no choice but to walk.
Colleen
Of course you love him. But his mind was on her while he was with you, and you did not know it.
You simply can’t trust him.
T from NY
It is foolish in my opinion to give passes to men or anyone else for cheating because of their past traumas. We ALL have past traumas and a lot of us have PTSD. Staying with someone who actively seeks out another person and makes overt passes at them is not being ‘tolerant’ in my opinion. It is being foolish and shows low self esteem if you put up with it. It is a bit of a different thing if your partner comes to you, contrite, and ashamed and admits their wrong doing and seeks help and facilitates transparency and seeks enlightenment of why they did what they did. None of that happened here. On this site I consistently advocate for women to own their part. I also do the same for men. He is a cheater. Unless he changes his life with purposeful intent – he will remain so. End of the day you are making the right decision. I just believe in calling something what it is and not dressing it up as if he had no choice or ability to stop himself. Men will be men (in this instance hurt men) is an excuse that is so last century is all I’m saying.
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