This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lane 1 week, 1 day ago.
October 11, 2021 at 7:20 am #927526
So I have been seeing this guy for about 4 months and he recently told me that he is at the point of his life where he just enjoy being single, but I am the only woman in his life (we are exclusive since date 4) and he is not dating or speaking to other women. He does everything a guy should do, treat me nice, takes me out, pays on dates. He is busy renovating his flat but still sees me 2-3 a week, more than he actually sees his friends.
He said he had the best summer ever and I was the part of it and he would love to experience more things with me.
He is not hiding his phone, he plans dates, always initiates etc and when I am with him I feel like he does care.
question is I am not really fixed on having a relationship because I know these days labels means nothing and I am more than sure he won’t suddenly change his mind even though he said something like ‘we can give it a try’ and he keeps saying he doesn’t want to rush but that could be bs.
since we have had this conversation I am trying to distance myself and not get attached and just enjoy it while is lasts but he is giving me even more attention now and even wants me to go away with him .
I was kind of stressing about the whole relationship status and did not really enjoy his company but since that talk and me knowing that chances of us putting label on it are slim I am much more relaxed and actually enjoy his company as weird as it sounds and I can tell that he enjoys it more too to the point where last week he pretty much wanted to see me every day.
But all this also makes me think that I might be wasting me time since we are exclusive I cannot really pursue other options but then I enjoy his company so should I just stay and enjoy while it lasts and have no expectations?October 11, 2021 at 4:07 pm #927652
The answer depends on what you want. Do you want a committed relationship, perhaps marriage and children later on? If so, this is a waste of your time and you’ll continue getting attached until leaving becomes very painful and difficult. Are you not actually looking for commitment either for whatever reason, which is totally okay if that’s the case? Then enjoy it.
It’s very important to believe what he’s told you though. If you stick around then you’re indicating you accept the situation and are okay without commitment, and then of course things will seem more relaxed. He feels you’ve been warned, you’re on the same page, he can act as coupley as feels good in the moment because it doesn’t mean anything and he never has to follow through. Romance on his terms. That means his words (situationship with no labels) won’t match his actions (cute and romantic), and you may convince yourself there’s hope in the mixed signals. But there isn’t, lack of alignment and consistency between words and actions is one of the biggest red flags a guy isn’t ever going to truly commit.
So figure out what you want out of the situation, be honest with yourself about it and about what he’s offering you, and decide if it meets your needs. If it doesn’t, cut your losses and move on so you can find a better match.October 11, 2021 at 4:13 pm #927660
I don’t want to have kids and get married really , never thought about it.
This is the bit I was confused about because he acts like he is in relationship. He tells me everything, where he is going, plans in advance. He even said to me the other day to book some time for him over Xmas.
He also said he doesn’t want to rush things but I am guessing any reason not to commit right ?October 11, 2021 at 4:27 pm #927663
His reasons for not wanting to commit likely have little to nothing to do with you. Which means you shouldn’t expect it to change or expect that how you act will have much impact ie you can’t convince him to want to commit. Taking it slow in a situation like this, where he’s said he doesn’t want to commit, is an excuse. Feeling like he’s in a situation he can enjoy in the moment but can also have one foot out the door at any time is what’s comfortable and desirable for him and what he wants. So again, it’s up to you to decide what you want. If you aren’t looking for a long-term committed relationship (and that doesn’t necessarily mean marriage but still wanting to be with the same person even if it’s not legally labeled), then have fun. But if you are, he’s not the guy for you.October 11, 2021 at 4:28 pm #927664
You’ve posted about this before, right? I remember the “best summer ever” line.
“… he said something like ‘we can give it a try’ and he keeps saying he doesn’t want to rush but that could be bs.”
Yup! You are dead on right. That’s BS. It’s wishy woshy BS designed to keep you hooked on his terms. It’s like that song “Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps”. Let’s be real: this is actually FWB. And everything you said indicates that’s all it’s ever going to be. If it were the best summer ever and you were a big part of that, he’d want to lock you down. He just doesn’t want the summer fun to end yet. He’ll end it if you say you want more though.
I second everything Maddie said. Only do this if you can do it strictly for fun and not get emotionally entangled. And do not keep going with this if it’s going to keep you from meeting other guys who would be serious about you!!October 13, 2021 at 4:14 pm #928396
Please do go out with other guys. Dont make my mistake, dont give commitment to someone who’s not giving it back. Your time is precious and dating others means you could meet someone more valuable, who actually cares for you!October 13, 2021 at 7:56 pm #928440
I am in a similiar situation. Dating now for two months, but I want more of a commitment, which he has told me he wants to see where things go and “who knows where things will lead.” He said he is a damaged man from loosing a child, and feels humdrum about life right now. He also said he is not easy to live with. He does take me out but not a lot we don’t talk on the phone and only text here and there to set up a time to get together, 90 percent at his house to watch TV and do the deed. Can anyone tell me what to do???October 13, 2021 at 8:30 pm #928446
@Tracy, Your post makes me very sad…
Why are you settling for less than crumbs?October 14, 2021 at 12:43 am #928493
Tracy – after he’s told you all of this, WHY OH WHY do you want a commitment with him??
He’s using you for easy sex. He can’t even be bothered to take you out for a meal.
DROP HIM. It’s that simple. He’s a waste of your time. There’s no healthy relationship to be had with him.October 14, 2021 at 2:40 am #928527
Tracy , you should just let him go .
My situation isn’t any better but at least the guy I am seeing takes me out , even on weekends away so at least I can get something out of it haha like trying new restaurants or explore the country lolOctober 15, 2021 at 10:18 am #928715
This guy is being upfront with you about what he needs and wants, so you either accept it or you don’t.
I totally understand where he’s coming from, as I was in the same *single* mindset for close to a decade after my divorce. I was so steadfast on maintaining my singlehood that I wasn’t going to give it up because I enjoyed it too much. I had an FWB like yours for close to 18 months. We were sexually exclusive but allowed to date others. I did but I honestly don’t know if he did as its not a topic we discussed, only that if we met someone else and wanted to give it a go, we would let the other know. It ended because he wanted more than I was willing to offer, as I didn’t love him in the way I need to love a man to take it to the relationship level. We had a blast though, as he filled the role of a great BF without all the expectations of having a BF haha.
If you are starting to fall for him, don’t do it. I know how it affected mine when I ended it but just because he changed the terms (wanted more) didn’t mean I had to. He could very well love you like “a friend” like I did with mine but not love you like “a girlfriend” which is how he would need to feel in order for him to move it past the point you’re in now.
Its possible he *could* but you would know it within a few months, as he would start saying the opposite of what he initially told you—that’s what my fling turned BF almost 5 years now did. You just need to carefully listen to what “he says” and then call him on it such as “I remember you telling me this” and if he responds with “I was in a different headspace back then” or something along those lines then you might have a chance?