This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Sophia 1 month ago.
September 24, 2020 at 12:30 pm #814734
Next month I’m moving countries. Currently I live in a rather small place where my dating opportunities are limited. The new place is close to a big city.
Last month I flew over to view some properties and whilst there, I went on Tinder to check out who’s in the area.I am currently chatting with 4 guys who I matched with whilst there. They are willing to take me out when I move over. They all live nearby and there’s something interesting and unique about every single one of them that makes me curious.
There is one thing that complicates this for me though. Earlier this year I started chatting to a guy who lives in my destination country, but in another city. The distance between our towns is 200 miles (there is a fast train that takes 2h from my city to his). He started texting more often a few weeks ago and it escalated to calls, video calls and him almost “falling for me”.
We have never met in person but we are planning to once I move to his country. He wanted to visit me beforehand but his work frowns upon travelling during these times (understandable), so this has to wait.
He is texting me daily, calling and recently said he’s off tinder and not interested in talking to anyone else.
When it comes to me, I enjoy all this attention and I like him – based on the texts, calls and videos, but I don’t know him. I am also curious about the other guys as my preference would be to date locally, especially when I’m close to a major city! We spoke last night and I told him I’d rather take it day by day as we’re not sure when we’re going to meet and until then many things can happen.
The situation is further complicated due to the fact that he has 3 kids (I have one). He’s in his early 40s, good looking, good job etc. I’m in my mid 30s.
My question is – shall I even continue this and aim to meet him? I DO like him a lot, or shall I pass as he seems invested and the situation is too complicated to develop further? I would like to meet the other guys, him and then decide how to proceed but I fear that he wants to “make us exclusive” before we even meet!September 24, 2020 at 12:43 pm #814737
Him being this eager before having even met you seems like a red flag to me. I would advise you to not indulge him in this behavior. You seem to have voiced your boundaries and concerns, now it’s his turn to prove that he respects you by changing his behavior appropriately. I think that if he keeps being this eager even after the conversation you had yesterday, it would shows a lack of respect for your boundaries and I would stop talking to him altogether as it is an even bigger red flag.
Concretely, I’d say prioritize the 4 other guys whom you’re gonna be living close to and who have been acting normally. It seems like you’re more interested in them anyway, and you should not compromise your needs and wants for someone you haven’t even met yet. You two can’t consider moving cities to live closer to each other that early on, but you guys still corresponding prove that it is not off the table.
If he slows down after the discussion you had yesterday, I’d say keep talking to him from time to time and see how things go, but focus mainly on the four ones that make you feel more comfortable and do not compel you to write in a forum for advices. Trust your gut, it seems like you already know the answer yourself.September 24, 2020 at 1:26 pm #814746
I agree with talia that this last guy behaviour is a red flag. No one ‘normal’ would state he is falling for you and stating he only wants to date you. I wonder how you two ended up talking to each other in the first place. Was this before you knew you were going to move? I suddenly get a vibe you posted about him before. The 100 miles sounds familiar lol. He is only words so far. I dont see any reason to completely blow him off (unless you get really tired of his hollow texting but i would leave a eventual asking for a date up to him. It cant hurt to meet but only if he sets up a proper date in your town.
Your fear he makes you exclusive before you meet is off putting to read. Why are you giving him that power? You can pace him and say, dude Lets meet first plus im in no hurry to commit to anyone. If thats your fear, you are way to easy to accept bread crumbs. If youre moving to a new city and job thats an excellent time to spend totally on yourself and doing what makes you happy. Including tindering awaySeptember 24, 2020 at 2:18 pm #814751
Thanks for the replies, ladies!
@Talia, yes he seemed to have understood the message but he is still mentioning us in the future just adding “Though, one day at a time please!” to soften the message. Today I jokingly said I had adopted the no sex before marriage rule, to which he said he had adopted the no sex before myself rule. Meaning he will be waiting for me, apparently.
I don’t know if that’s a sign of disrespect because it all has a rather playful funny nature.
I try to be careful and skeptical. A couple of years ago I was involved in a LDR which started in flames, passion, love bombing and ended equally fast leaving me confused and hurt. I want things to develop organically, starting slow and sweet. Not like a hurricane.
@Newbie, I never posted about him or this case. Guess a lot of people go through similar situations :) We met during lockdown. Tiner had the passport feature, I went around the destination country and “bumped into” him, he superliked me, started chatting etc.
We have been chatting on and off since April. In the beginning of September something changed, he started texting more, calling, chasing – and here we are.
Based on your feedback, I think I need to be more serious and put my foot down. At the moment I’m trying to set the boundaries being nice at the same time but I guess it’s not working that well.
And yeah being close to a big city, I don’t want to do a LDR (was experimenting with it here due to the lack of good local prospects but it was such a pain).September 24, 2020 at 2:31 pm #814753
I totally agree with the other ladies. This guy doesn’t get to decide if you are exclusive with him and don’t date other guys. YOU decide that. And if want to date around when moving to a new city, that’s completely normal and healthy.
It’s not reasonable of this guy to expect a woman he’s never met in person to commit to him and not date other guys, when you are on the cusp of a big life change such as moving to a new country. Like Newbie said, this is an excellent time to date around and meet new people in a new city/country. It sounds like you are well on your way and have some fun prospects. So don’t let this guy corner you into some kind of exclusive commitment. Enjoy yourself in your new city and go on dates with the guys you’ve connected with who are unique and interesting. It’s a wonderful situation to be in!September 24, 2020 at 10:55 pm #814800
I will add that I find it strange that it all changed suddenly in September, with him being more eager. Seems like it was a conscious decision on his part, that might have been motivated by his own life changes. I am also thinking that it is strange for a father of three kids to go this fast, since you’re probably gonna have to interact with its kids if it is serious. I wouldn’t bring any stranger to my kids life, and would be at the opposite extra careful. (I don’t have kids though, so I can only speak theoretically).
Otherwise, I don’t find his playfulness disrespectful either, so that’s good that he can respect boundaries to at least some extent.September 25, 2020 at 6:08 am #814843
@LizLemon, thanks! Yes, you are right that he doesn’t get to decide for me on the exclusivity aspect. So whenever he mentions that he’s not talking to anyone else and waiting for me, I say nothing. I don’t want to be lying. I am talking to other guys and as said before, I want to meet them too. It’s just with this guy I talk the most, so naturally he feels the closest. Thanks for the kind words, I’m excited about the big city, possibilities, etc. so giving it all up for someone living quite far is not what I want (at least not before exploring the area).
@Talia, yeah he was casually dating someone during the lockdown (and sporadically talking to me). He ended things with her in July and then in September he came across something that made him think of me and started messaging more often. I have a child and I agree with you that normally people try to be extra careful. I think he’s like that because of the early stage infatuation, butterflies and so on – when one does not really act 100% rationally.September 26, 2020 at 1:48 am #814960
“I would like to meet the other guys, him and then decide how to proceed”.
So do that! But leave him as the last one you meet.
Good luck on your big adventure!