This topic contains 12 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by tammy 1 month, 1 week ago.
March 1, 2021 at 3:40 am #846357
I was dating a guy for about 2 months around july last year. However we both caught covid at the end of September and he lost his job and he ended things abruptly after this citing covid as the reason. Prior to this he was making so much effort to spend time with me and hang out and we had so much in common and he talked about me to his friends.
I followed the no contact rule and at Christmas I got a text wishing me happy Christmas. I was unsure how to react to this so I simply wished him happy Christmas back.
I reached out to him at the start of Feburary after my car broke down near to where he lives and thought it was a funny story to share as he always referred to my car as chitty chitty bang bang.
Conversation started flowing and he opened up about why he ended things and it was more to do with the stress of everything else that happened rather than me. He said he would love to meet up but wasnt sure how I felt. I agreed and we went for a walk and we have hung out a few times since.
However he is blowing a bit hot and cold at the minute where one day he will instigate a conversation but then a week later I wont hear from him for a few days. I do know that he is struggling with depression atm so when he goes quiet I just let him. However I am worried that I am being played slightly because he knows that I have feelings for him.
I’m looking for advice on how to approach this. Do I let him do all the chasing or because we have history do I need to have a chat about what is is I want from this and set some boundaries as I dont want to scare him off. I want to take things a lot slower this time round so I dont get hurt again but I’m already getting frustrated by it as he just doesnt seem as keen even though he says he is.March 1, 2021 at 5:35 am #846378
if he doesn’t seem that keen then he clearly isn’t. I can tell you are not stupid. Men are simple creatures, if he wanted to reconnect with you, he would.
you reached out to him when your car broke down so he went with it and maybe he was OK with getting some attention from you but nothing else.
you were only dating for 2 months, fair to say you don’t even know this guy.
I wouldn’t bother :)March 1, 2021 at 6:20 am #846388
Thanks. He is giving ne mixed feelings and I feel like I’m starting to pull back to.
I totally agree with you. I guess I just needed reassurance as I’ve only started dating again after being in a 10 year relationship so it’s all new to me.March 1, 2021 at 6:45 am #846393
“I am not sure how I feel” means covid was an excuse for what was already not working. You do nothing. Let him do all the work, if it good work reward him with responsiveness and warmth, if it is not, just fade out.
If he says he keen and his actions don’t match, just cut it off now.
It’s been fun reconnecting, now that things are getting back to normal I am looking for the real deal and this is not heading that way. Wish you the best of luck!March 1, 2021 at 7:10 am #846398
That’s such a good response.
Of course hes sent me a few messages today after reaching out to you guys. I’m going to hold off replying straight away like I normally do and play the long game xMarch 1, 2021 at 7:53 am #846411
T from NY
Please trust me when I say – the first several months of a relationship will be the man’s vErY best efforts. If he used a lousy excuse like getting covid to break off a perfectly budding relationship, and now is blowing hot and cold after reconnecting, he is NOT that into you. It sucks I’m sorry. But men are simple. If they want something they go after it. And they aren’t stupid – they have brains and hearts. Probably he knows you’re a catch and it’s flattering when a woman they are attracted fo likes them – but for whatever reason he’s not feeling it enough to properly pursue you.
The mOsT thing for you to do right now is NOTHING, as well as, get BUSY thinking about ANY thing else but him. Date others. Keeping your cool if he does reach out and absolutely let him do all the work. If you’re cool with just being friends by all means keep chatting. But if not, and he doesn’t set up dates (especially since y’all have a history) and only gives you crumbs of attention – I would cut it off as tallspicy advised above.
Remember If you have to ask if a guy is interested , he usually isn’t (enough). And – an I don’t know almost always means – no.March 1, 2021 at 8:14 am #846413
I’m still talking to other guys. I dont see the point in ruling other guys out if one particular guys isnt ticking all my boxes.
I’ve been keeping really busy to take my mind of him. I have a daughter who is my top priority and I’ve just started studying for a promotion at work and I’m also keeping active since no problems with that.
I just get sucked in easily as my confidence took a real battering over the years and I tend to see the good in people. So sometimes when a guy does the bare minimum i see it as more than that. But I’m getting better at spotting the red flags. Just need steering in the right direction sometimes lolMarch 1, 2021 at 1:55 pm #846476
You’re asking the right questions.
Here’s a list of some red flags about a man emotionally unavailable to you I have found to be the biggest tells:
Words/actions/feelings don’t align and are inconsistent
Feeling confusion about where you stand after you’ve gotten to know each other
They have a chaotic dating history, double red flag if they put most of the blame for that on their ex partners
If a guy responds to his life stress issues by just ending things (especially without really explaining himself and maturely communicating about the issues prior to breaking up), then he likely has a pattern of dealing with everything by turning away from others instead of towards them and probably isn’t ready to be a reliable partner. Doesn’t have great coping mechanisms for handling problems, whether they are related or unrelated to you.
This guy will likely be wasting your time if you’re looking for something serious. I’d personally let it fade out unless you’re interested in casual companionship as part of getting back into the dating pool. But a guy who acts the way you’ve described or shows you the traits I’ve listed will NOT be good for your self-esteem. If you’re trying to work through that and feel better about yourself, I’d definitely skip men like this.
An easy way to protect yourself is asking yourself, am I really happy with how this guy behaves or am I trying to date the potential instead of the person and situation actually in front of me? Trust people and see their good unless/until they give you a reason not to but… don’t date potential because it’s a recipe for unhappiness and more hits to your self-esteem.March 1, 2021 at 3:32 pm #846495
See now you have listed those red flags he has all of them.
Safe to say I’m not going to waste anymore time on him.
I’ve spent too long trying to rebuild my self esteem and worth for it to be knocked down again.
Thank you for this xxMarch 3, 2021 at 8:46 pm #846964
I just want to thank you for your help and advice. It gave me the little push I needed to have a chat with said guy.
I told him today that I felt we would be better of as friends as dating each other again seemed to be putting pressure in top of all the other stuff hes dealing with at the min.
It was a good conversation and turns out we were both onnthe same page but to worried about approaching the conversation lol.
So as I put it a friendship is better than nothing.
Thanks again folks xxMarch 4, 2021 at 9:53 am #847213
Hi mo, i like the list Maddie made. I want to add the no bagage reclaim site (just type those words) and you find an hilarious website dedicated to mr unavaible or assclown as she calls them. Take care, its good to weed out properly to avoid getting stuck on oneMarch 4, 2021 at 2:10 pm #847347
This is good news! Glad you were able to get clarity. Enjoy the friendship, but keep good friends-only boundaries. Don’t let him act ambiguous or send you mixed signals trying to make you a backup or hookup downgrade (in case he tests the waters to try this). Friends only, and bigger and better things with other better partners for your romantic relationships!March 5, 2021 at 1:39 am #847493
i agree with the suggestions above. i wouldn’t write the farewell message though. you need to understand that post that break his words and actions to get back with you should match. its not. i think hes not really in a good place mentally to cope with a relationship. i think you need to accept that most likely this is heading nowhere and just fizzle out. just try and letting go of all expectations from him in your head. do not let him treat you like a yoyo. he may not be doing this deliberately, but its still gonna affect you and your peace of mind. just think of him as a friend and try moving on in ur mind. who knows? maybe sometime in future if he is fine and ready for a relationship, and your free and still interested, anything can happen. but for the present accept that this is a dead end . and move on without any gudbye notes. just dont give this any importance.