Really confused

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Maddie 1 month ago.

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  • #918868 Reply


    Hey, sorry for the long message, but this has been driving me crazy and would just really like some different opinions on what might have happened with this guy because I really liked him.

    We had a really great date around mid/end July and we both seemed really into each other. His apartment lease had just ended, so he was planning to visit his family out of state after the weekend. He told me we should go out next weekend if he was back. Next weekend he let me know he was having to stay longer, but asked what I was doing the xx of August. I said that was the day I was leaving for a vacation, but named the date I got back and said we should do something then and he said absolutely.

    I text him a couple days before xx August and he said he was having to help his friend move out, but he’d let me know if he made it back in time. I was kinda annoyed and let him know that we had planned that day 3 weeks ago, but we agreed on the next Saturday. He ended up texting me late that night to let me know he got back, but I didn’t answer till morning. We text for a bit that weekend and he asked what my week looked like. I asked if Saturday wasn’t good for him anymore and he said it was, he just wondered if I also wanted to do something during the week.

    So he came over to my place Thursday and we hung out- same as before, we had a great time and I thought a great connection. Of course he said the next week he was leaving for his vacation (he did mention this the first time we hung out) but even had his calendar up asking what I was doing mid September. I just laughed. Also, that Saturday we were planning- he made plans with his friends instead. Where I’d normally have written him off as he just isn’t interested by now, I’ve been giving him a bit of a break since he doesn’t have an apartment at the moment and his stuff was hours away with the friend who was moving out.

    Anyway, he told me when he was getting back from his trip, but he never text me. I waited the rest of that week and sent a text that weekend and made a joke. He told me he ended up going somewhere else out of town doing a favor for someone. He told me the exact day when he’d be back and said absolutely to doing something when he’s back and that he’d text me. It’s been like 4 days now since he said he’d be back in town and I still haven’t heard from him.

    I guess I’m just wondering if he really is just that busy, but is still interested, or if he never really was and has just been saying these things.

    A couple things to note are that his texting habits haven’t changed at all- he has only ever text just to make plans and that’s it which is totally fine with me.

    We did have sex, but we did the first time and he still wanted to see me almost a month after that. So I’m not sure why he wouldn’t now.

    I really don’t think it’s other girls because I don’t see how he could have the time for it. He really is in all these different places and is in online school. Plus the way he was with me the first time was a few messages, then suggest a date a while later and actually took me out. I just don’t see him having the time for that. I also noticed that when I “liked” him on this app was 3 months before he matched with me which tells me he must not be on it that often. I know I sound crazy lol.

    Anyway, any thoughts would be really appreciated and happy to answer any other details! Thank you

    #918871 Reply


    Why are you so invested after 2 dates in almost 2-3 months? You are way, way, way overthinking this. If he wanted to see you, he’d figure out a way. Men say a lot of things in the moment but talk is cheap. Actions matching the talk is what matters. It doesn’t matter if he is dating other women or if you are dating other men (you should be) as you are not in a relationship so that shouldn’t be a factor.
    I’d let this one go, it seems your schedules don’t fit.

    #918875 Reply


    I know you’re right. I guess the only reason I was holding out hope was because the last time we were together he said sorry and that he isn’t normally this busy, it’s just been a weird couple of months because of his apartment and his vacation. He said normally he’s just here and doing school. I guess you’re right though, guys can just say or explain things even if they don’t like you.

    #918877 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I agree with Gaia. You’re way over-invested in a guy who doesn’t make time for you. Two dates in 2-3 months is clear that he doesn’t have a strong interest in you. In fact, the one Saturday in August that you had planned to see him, he made plans with friends instead.

    If he wanted to see you, he would. It really is that simple– when a guy wants to date you, he does it. Talk is cheap, it’s actions that count. A guy who is into you does not leave you confused!

    Also, you had sex with him too soon. I have no personal judgement against that, but what often happens is guys lose interest if you have sex with them immediately. (I’ve been there, done that- really liked a guy, slept with him on the 1st date, and it quickly fizzled out). If you’re going to have sex with a guy on the 1st or 2nd date, you have to really not care if you see the guy again. And the best way to see if a guy has genuine interest in you is to see if he’s willing to date you awhile without having sex.

    So I think this guy is texting and staying in touch with you in case he wants a hookup in the future, but he’s not genuinely interested in dating you. If he wanted to date you, trust me, he would– men make time for what’s important to them. He sounds like a busy guy who’s keeping you on the hook as a potential future hookup. Sorry that this isn’t what you want to hear, but the best thing for you would be to move on.

    #918888 Reply


    If you really want to give him the benefit of the doubt, tell him to call you when things are settled in his life and you’d be glad to see him then when it’s easier for him to make firm plans… although he’s already shown you that you aren’t really a priority so I wouldn’t expect much.

    #918901 Reply


    Thanks guys. I guess what’s really confusing me most is how specific he is i.e. texting back right away saying absolutely to hanging out and telling me exactly what he’s been doing and the exact day he’ll be back.

    Any f boy I’ve dealt with before has always just left it really vague- “sorry been really busy, not sure when I’ll be back”

    #918904 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Yeah but, he won’t lock it down and say when he wants to see you, right? He’s giving you just enough hope that when he does finally agree to see you (probably when he wants to get laid…sorry to be harsh, but…), you’ll jump and agree to see him. Even if you only see him once every month or two.

    It doesn’t do you any good that he texts back right away and says yes to hanging out, and tells you what day he’ll be back, BUT doesn’t follow up and lock down a date/time to see you.

    You deserve better than a guy who will only see you twice in 2-3 months! When a guy wants you, he wants to make sure no other guy will win you over, so he makes sure to stay in touch and see you often. It just doesn’t sound like this guy cares that much. I’m sure he’d be happy to see you when it’s convenient for him, but again, don’t you think you deserve better?

    #918929 Reply


    I think he likes you but not a lot. As his been mentioned on this site and other advice-giving sites, guys are more often in a “middling space” with women than women are with men (we’re more likely to either like them a lot or like them very little). He likes you, but it’s likely at a 5 or 6. I also agree with another poster that even if sex was had, you should not be this invested. You can consider contact frequency an indicator of level of interest. His is low. Medium-low at best.

    #918995 Reply


    “I guess what’s really confusing me most is how specific he is i.e. texting back right away saying absolutely to hanging out and telling me exactly what he’s been doing and the exact day he’ll be back”

    But he’s not following up, so words and actions don’t align and that’s how you know he’s not serious. Even if he was into you, he’s a lousy boyfriend prospect if he can’t get it together. If he’s not that into you, then all it means is he knows how to play the game better than the vague f*ckbois as you’re still on the hook wondering about him instead of writing him off even though the outcome has been the same as with a f*ckboi.

    I’m sorry things didn’t work out with him, but I don’t think it’s worth your time to see hope in his mixed signals (which just looks like laziness on his part to me).

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