Question about divorced parents

I think he should attend your daughter’s dinner without the GF but, its his choice.
Although I’m sure it hurts, thankfully your daughter is older.

This GF from your account sounds like a big old mess.

Keep your distance and stay out of that drama.

In the end he will have to answer to your daughter for missing out on important events.

I agree that some of the things I’ve heard are heresy, and some I’ve seen in text messages from her to someone else. I’ve had more than one person, independently, corroborate what she’s said about my daughter. And I was sitting one person away from her when she called a group of 12 yo boys “fags”, “homos” and said “no gay boy would be allowed to live in my house”, and she lied and said she didn’t say it, that my daughter and I were the liars.

I know her youngest son hates her bc he was friends with my daughter, until last year, and told her repeatedly that he wished his mother (and my ex) would disappear. Also, I rec’d a phone call from her then-husband’s MOTHER asking me to keep my ex away from her daughter in law. This was four years ago, when they were having an affair. Anything I’ve heard has come DIRECTLY from my daughter, my ex or people I work with that know her.

As for her lying about her ex, she printed off about twelve pages of “mental health diagnoses” and showed them to my daughter and my ex, claiming he beat and abused her, which my ex later told me was not true.

My daughter has tried several times to be friendly with her, even going over for Christmas. The result? The GF blocked her on FB and lied about it being an accident. And, you’re right, he isn’t obligated to buy her a gift or spend time with her. It’s his loss if she cuts him out of her life.

My daughter lives with me, and I support her as a FT college student. Therefore, some issues she has with her dad are discussed with me. Likewise, when he’s mad at her, he involves me in an attempt to convince me to get her to see things his way. I have removed myself MANY times, asked them to not involve me, to sort it out themselves. I’ve even recommended therapy, but he refuses.

I have never interfered in their relationship, or lack of. I have been a sounding board, for both of them, and tried to remain neutral. The “drama” affects me only bc it breaks my daughters heart that her dad ignores and disregards her.

oops, you are saying she is being childish – I mean his girlfriend.

Ok, so firstly, you are clearly a loving and caring mother! That said, some things to consider:

A.While I appreciate the mental scars, all parents scar their children. I bet if you asked your ex if he loves your daughter, he would say he does. and he believes he demonstrates it in ways that you might not like or understand, but he does. My guess is that your daughter has some issues because that is who she is – not just based on who your ex is. Unless he abuses her in either an emotional or physical way. Short form, she will have to heal herself and realize you are both who you are.

B, It is manipulative to tell him he is a bad parent if he does not cow to your wishes and your daughters by just coming to this thing without his partner. And to say it is in the spirit of cordial relationships. That is his partner, he is entitled to want her there. And it is your daughters responsibility and cross to bear in order to sort it out with him. I know you don’t like to hear that, but it is. His opinion on the topic is as valid as yours.

This woman has been in his life for multiple years now, and your daughter is an adult. She can learn to get along with this woman or simply tolerate her presence. That is called being an adult. Even if the partner acts like a child. My father’s partner has said some indescribable horrible things to me, and I tolerate her like a spoiled child. They came together under similar circumstances that you describe. I am the bigger person in that I engage tangentially, and graciously because her behavior is a reflection of her and her own cage to live in. And I have finally seen that my father has certain limitations that have nothing to do with his love for me. He can choose her over and over and still love me. They are not mutually exclusive.

Perhaps if your daughter could frame it less personally, it would not all blow up so much which honestly hurts everyone. That said, she can invite who she wants, but she might want to think about the battle and the war. Her battling with your husbands partner is a no win for anyone. My guess is that the issue is that both your daughter and his partner view any slight as choosing the wrong person. The reality is no one will choose anyone consistently and with never hurting them. Your daughter needs to learn to be safe internally with choosing herself every time. Then she will have grace for your ex.

C. I did not tell you not to talk to her. i told you not to talk to her about her father. That is reasonable as you have no place in this interaction other than history. I know you won’t like that either, but she is an adult and it is ok to put that boundary up for both of your sanity and better dynamics.

D. I do not understand your last point. It seems very logical that he would think his girlfriend should come around as he did when you were seeing your ex boyfriend. That is a normal extension of thinking everyone should be able to co-exsist.

Lafrance,

Why should she be involved with this? Is it good parenting to step in and teach your children not to deal with the people they actually have a problem with and involve them in their dispute? I think not. This man is her ex and the girl is an adult. And as to the girlfriend, let her look insane without anyone’s help. It makes your point much better.

But last thing to consider is that maybe the girl acts like a brat, not saying it is true, but if that is the case, it is fair for the father to simply say, I love his woman and she is in my life, get on the darn bus. I know if my dad had said that to me, I would have shown his partner (who is way more insane that this situation) more respect. He can love them both and want the woman to come to dinner, that is no betrayal.

My response would be exactly the same, why would it be different? . It does not serve any child to triangulate between their parents, divorced or not. to be functional adults, people need to deal with their own problems. And since the poster came to ask about this drama, it is fair to inquire how she is contributing to said drama.

Few people are victims of dramA, they almost always contribute, if even by tolerating it. I believe that while she loves her daughter, and thinks she is helping, she is not serving anyone by putting herself in the middle.

Tallspicy – Thank you for your non-confrontation conversation, firstly.

You are absolutely correct on point A. I cannot dispute that. As for point B, I didn’t tell him he is a bad parent, I said being able to go to a birthday celebration with his ex and her family makes him look like a stand-up guy. That doesn’t, IMO, translate to him being a bad parent. That is a stretch.

There may come a time when our daughter can relate to this woman in a more friendly manner. Right now, I believe she has a lot of misplaced anger toward her dad (which they both realize) and directs it toward the GF. Not mature or right, but what she feels is what she feels based on their history. And, you’re right, no one is going to win this “battle” unless he can start showing our daughter SOME consideration and attention.

My last point was, my ex saw nothing wrong with insisting he be a part of our family things while my BF sat home. He, in fact, made fun of him for being hurt and feeling left out, calling him a “baby” and saying he needed to grow up and realize that my ex and I were on friendly terms. Yet he can’t do the same now.

LaFrance – Unfortunately, she has no qualms about lying to my ex, and he believes what she says as gospel. The incident with the boys’ team and name calling – he told our daughter that she was “lying, and your mom is lying to make me mad at my GF”. And you’ve hit on the same point my mom has mentioned several times – she wants us to become divided. I believe, and this is just my gut feeling, that she would be happy if he cut off all contact with my family and his kids. I can see, sort of, wanting to nurture and grow the relationship with his GF bc, eventually, our daughter (like our son) is going to move away, and his GF is all he’ll have. So I get that he wants to take care of that relationship, but not to the point of seeing our daughter once a month.

Another thing, she *is* almost 21. But she is a naïve and fairly immature (about life) person. She doesn’t have much “life experience”, she doesn’t do the college party scene, and she’s a bit of a loner. So she hasn’t learned some of the life lessons others have by her age, and is still figuring out how to deal with a parent who has never really acted like he cared about her, despite her desperately wanting his affection and attention.

Thank you both for your thoughtful replies. I did a lot of soul-searching last night and, moving forward, I’m going to recommend she discuss this with a therapist. It’s too hard for her to hear that I can understand both sides of this issue, and I believe a therapist can help her to come up with phrases and behaviors to deal with this in a non-confrontational but effective way.

Melissa,

You have a good head on your shoulders and you clearly love your daughter very very very much. I think you have a good plan that will make you feel more at ease and give your daughter more empowerment (she may not want that).

You were doing nothing wrong per se, I was just pointing out how seemingly helpful stuff can create very bad long term dynamics and systems and families, no matter how dysfunctional are a system.

I did not understand that your ex wanted to exclude your boyfriend. Then he is a hypocrit.

Good luck!