Putting a label on the relationship too soon and living in a fantasy land.

Hey Natalie,

I’m going to tell you how you can fix this and turn back the clock (as much as what is possible… what cannot be turned back with instead be transmuted into evolving your relationship).

First, I need to explain something about the nature of relationships.

When you understand this, it will do 90% of the fixing for you. Not only that, but it will improve your love life for the rest of your life.

If you don’t understand this, though, then nothing will help… this problem will continue to pop up and spoil your relationships. You’ll seek out answers and grasp at trying to resolve symptoms of the problem while never getting to the true root of the problem.

Essentially, we need to talk about the root of the problem here.

So in a relationship, things start out simple. You go out with a guy or talk to a guy and the time together goes well.

All is well. You’re expressing yourself, he’s expressing himself, you’re both enjoying your time together.

This, in essence, is what a relationship is in its purest form.

Now granted, you don’t have a depth of understanding yet, you don’t necessarily have trust yet, but you have the essence of connecting, the essence of a relationship.

Then… at some point, probably when you’re by yourself, you start thinking about him and getting excited about what could be.

You start thinking that he could fill the role of “the man in your life, your lover, your relationship partner”… your mind spins and spins with enthusiasm, imagining all the great things that could now come true because there’s finally a potential man to fill that special role.

You are excited. You are full of hope.

And next time you speak to him, there’s an amplifying effect on the whole experience.

Now this isn’t just a guy. The things he’s saying aren’t just mere sentences…

Now this is a chapter in your love story. Now everything that happens is elevated in meaning and significance. It “means more” now because he could be the man that fills that special role.

And it’s great. You get high on it. You’re not only excited, but you’re inside this experience with him, you’re excited because it’s really real… there’s really a real man here, talking to you and he could be that man!

Until…

Until something happens.

Suddenly the mood has shifted. He seems kind of distant or disconnected. He seems cold and almost like he’s putting up a force field.

In this case, he’s saying you’re not listening, that you’re getting ahead of yourself in your relationship and wanting to put a label on it.

And now you’re afraid… now that magnificent vision in your mind is under threat.

Now you’re terrified that the dream might not come true. The bubble might be popped.

And that’s where we are now… the man pulling away and you’re in fear that it could all come apart and “the dream might not come true even though things started out so great”.

This story has been told thousands of times before. In fact, this is THE story that brings women to this site (or to looking for any relationship advice at all!).

If this didn’t happen, every relationship advice coach would be out of business the next day.

So… a lot of coaches will tell you that the root of the problem is your fear of losing him.

And that’s true, that’s a big problem, but it’s a SYMPTOM of the root of the problem, not the root itself.

What is the root of the problem? What is the root of the fear of losing him?

The root of the problem is the “love story” itself.

That is, the moment you got excited about him, that was the end of your relationship.

See, that might sound and feel impossible to you…

Because that was the moment where you became so happy, so hopeful, so excited…

So if anything, to your brain it feels like that was the BEGINNING, not the end, right?

Before then he was just a man… but that moment when you got excited about him, his potential to be your man, your lover, your partner…

That’s when you felt so excited and amazing, right?

Well… that sweet, intoxicating seed became the root of the problem!

Here’s what you must understand…

When you were first connecting and he was “just a man”, you were present, simple… you were simply just “there” in the moment, in your wholeness and simplicity.

There was no trying or striving or needing… there were no fears or worries.

The relationship was as it was in its simplicity. It didn’t need to live up to anything, you weren’t measuring it against a “love story” you hoped it would live up to.

It was just simple, present communication without any added layer of “mind drama” filtering the experience.

And that’s the essential thing to understand.

You can relate to the other person or to your “love story”, but you can’t do both.

In other words, if you’re caught up in your mind over what this man “means” to your love life, what this interaction “means” to your relationship potential, what his behavior “means” about his feelings towards you insofar as a relationship future is concerned…

Then you’re not relating to the man at all anymore. You’re relating to the activity in your head.

You’re caught up in a dream in your head. The man is more like a prop or a “means to an end”, who’s role/purpose is to “make your dreams come true”.

If his actions and words are lining up with how you want him to be, then you’re happy and relaxed.

But if his actions and words go against what your mind wants to see, you get upset, worried, anxious, afraid, etc.

See, you’re not relating to him. You’re not connected to him.

You’re connected to your mind and the dreams it has about relationships. You’re connected to a love story that you want him to act out.

A man feels that disconnect the moment it happens.

To him, he feels it instinctually and instantly. He feels, “Oh… I felt I was connecting to another person and now I feel alone.”

Now he’s no longer connecting with you, he’s connecting with your mind.

Your mind now has become at best a filter (and at worst a wall) when it comes to connecting with you.

You can have a relationship with the man or you can have the “love story” you got excited about, but you can’t have both.

See, the thing is this…

The way a great connection happens and grows with a man is because of a sort of “love cycle” flow that happens.

That cycle requires intimacy (where he feels he can completely let his guard down and express himself raw and unfiltered) and inspiration (where you can help “move him emotionally to where he feels his best”).

When you can do that with him, it triggers his love in a tremendous way. That’s what triggers that insane bonding feeling, where he sees you as special, like you’re the only woman who gets him, like you have magical powers.

And when he feels that kind of love for you, it’s obvious and you feel it. And in feeling the depth of his love, it brings out that love in you to inspire him more, he lets you in more, and the cycle continues. You spiral upwards into love (or downwards perhaps, since it deepens your relationship and bond at every step).

The problem with getting excited and caught up in a “love story” in your mind is it kills the possibility for intimacy.

How can he trust you with his raw, unguarded heart if he can’t even connect to you because you’re too caught up in your own mind?

If you want a great relationship with a man, drop the love story.

A love story isn’t even the real thing! It cheats you out of the real thing!

The real thing is simple and uncomplicated. The real thing happens in the moment and doesn’t carry the burden of mental significance, or of needing to live up to an ideal, or of needing to get somewhere or become something.

The relationship never “becomes something”. The relationship is an essence, a flow, a connection between two people connecting as they are without the complicating heavy layer of mind-stuff to drain all the color and joy from it.

You need to understand that. If you can, you’re free and your love life will be great for the rest of your life.

If you can’t understand that, you will have an invisible vampire, sucking the possibility of connection out of every interaction you ever have.

Your mind, your “love story” is that vampire.

So let’s talk about fixing it and turning back the clock.

Truth is, the “problem” was that you disconnected.

A lot of well-meaning coaches don’t necessarily get that, and they give you a bunch of band-aids and complicated approaches to “fix the relationship problems”.

Thing is, none of them work in any deep, lasting sense because the root of the problem is the disconnection, caused by your “love story” acting as a filter.

Let go of the “love story”. Drop it. Give up on it. Let it go.

Instead, just be simple in the interactions as you were.

If you’re actually “there” and SIMPLE, not caught up in your head, your presence will be felt. He’ll feel there’s a human there, he’ll feel there’s a connection.

And it sounded to me like you’d already talked about all sorts of things, so it sounds like the possibility for intimacy is there.

What a man wants to feel is that he has a woman who’s really present with him, really listening… and then, that she is a woman that he can express himself to fully, unfiltered.

See that’s the funny part… the direction into intimacy is in becoming UNfiltered… men naturally want to move towards being more and more UNfiltered… that’s what feels like freedom in the relationship.

I’m not saying a man wants to behave poorly or treat you poorly. I’m saying that men crave to have a woman he can express himself to in an unfiltered way.

Why?

Because that’s the man he actually is inside! That unfiltered man lives in his head regardless.

And if he can share that man, the raw, unpolished, ugly man underneath the pretty mask he shows to the world, then he doesn’t feel alone. He feels a deep connection.

To “fix your relationship problem”, the real fix is in returning to the simplicity of the interaction.

It already is as it actually is. You don’t have to worry about it and in fact, if you’re worrying about it or wanting to “fix it”, you’re still operating from the perspective of your love story.

After all, it’s only in the view of the “love story” that there’s a problem!

Truth is, he just expressed himself honestly. And if there’s any relationship potential, he did you both a huge favor! It never would have worked going down that path with that filter in place on your part.

If you’re still in any kind of communication with him, then great. Just communicate with him and keep it simple. Don’t try to make the relationship get somewhere or become something.

Instead just be present with him. Just put your attention into the conversations, have your attention on the man and take things at face value, simply.

Your attention opens the door to connecting with the man.

Connecting with the man opens the door to intimacy.

Intimacy opens the door to inspiring the man.

Inspiring the man opens the door to the man falling deeply in love with you.

Falling deeply in love with you opens the ongoing flow of love in a relationship that can last forever, your side of that being to support intimacy & inspiring him.

Yes.

Much of the time, the excitement over a love story playing out is excitement over the idea that finally life has given you a chance to be happy, a shot at happiness sometime in the future if everything works out.

Where are you now if you are so excited about a shot at happiness?

You’re suffering. Your life is in suffering but you’re excited about the prospect of becoming free of the suffering of your life.

In effect, you’ve brought your suffering into the relationship as a filter standing between you and him.

The relationship and connection is already what it is in the moment, you know?

Again, I love the analogy of talking with your best friend. You are not needing it to become something or get somewhere. The talking to your best friend is the reward in itself, in its simplicity.

The tendency in us to make another person serve some kind of objective our mind has dreamt up is not a relationship. It’s a transaction.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Eric Charles.