Poly? Relationship Anarchist?

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  • #943519 Reply


    So, I have been dating on Bumble. I found a guy that has everything compatible with me. Music, film, art, most of the things I seek. However, I saw that on his profile and we got close fast. I have spent a whole weekend with him and ongoing texting. We spent 2 nights together last week during the week. Well, he told me he has been dating a woman who also is non-monogamist for a year and a half. I knew that he could be. He said he is only dating me (she’s from LA) and he sees her every 2-3 months. He’s in love with her. I’m a serial monogamist. When this was all said at midnight on a workday, I bristled and wanted to cry. I kinda kept to myself. We had this amazing spark and closeness. He said I need time to think about things. Next day I woke up with him to coffee and I said I would try to fit. Well, she came to town Friday and he said something on the lines of like “catch you after 😘.” I have a master’s, a great job, lots of hobbies. But I, unlike him, am a monogamist. Back to real life. He usually watches my stories and sends me instagram memes and texts all day. I haven’t heard from him since she has been staying (where I slept for 5 days). I’m feeling very dysregulated but have been respectful of this time. We went from 100-0 while she is here. I don’t know what to do. He has made me feel really important, but if he’s poly and can’t speak to me at all when she is here, and says he’s just dating me locally, I feel so much pain and like I’m not there. I don’t know if o need to throw the towel as I like him soo soon much. But I’m not used to the idea of being poly. For the record, I’m 45 and have no kids and a rich life for myself after a divorce 2 years ago. Should I try this poly thing? I’m feeling dysregulated from the 100% loss of contact. Can this work, guys?

    #943521 Reply


    He’s in love with someone else.
    He told you he was in love with someone else.
    Why would you want to try being with someone who is in love with someone else.

    #943523 Reply


    No please walk away. think of this as a nice fling but do move on. you may not be able to handle an open relationship besides he loves someone else. surely you don’t need to settle for so little.

    #943524 Reply


    No, you know you’re not poly so you’re not looking for the same things and are not compatible. Nothing wrong with that. If you try to stick around you’ll end going from 0-100-0-100-0. The highs will feel exciting, the lows awful, you’ll start chasing the highs, and he’ll never be fully emotionally available to you. You’ll be miserable and either fighting a lot or walking on eggshells. Please walk away when you know there are dealbreakers.

    #943528 Reply


    Not only should he have shared his poly status with you a lot sooner, it should have been on his dating profile so women who contacted him were 100% clear what they were getting. This is unfair deception on his part, especially the part about telling you at midnight. This man is sneaky and untrustworthy. You’re the only one he’s dating locally – is that supposed to be flattering?? You just found out what it’s like to be in a poly “relationship” – you get ignored when the other person is around and you are second best. Why oh why would you want to “try” living like that??!! He’s in love with her – then he can go find someone who is also poly who is OK with the situation he’s offering. You know with crystal clarity you are monogamous, so this is a straight, easy NO. There are thousands upon thousands of available men out there who are also monogamous. Drop this guy, forget him and keep yourself available for one of those men.

    #943535 Reply


    I think Raven is addressing the heart of the problem, no pun intended.

    #943543 Reply


    I have a weird feeling that he is not poly, he is cheating on her with you. I think she doesn’t know about his other partners lol

    #943545 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I agree with all the advice given so far. I know people who are poly, and they are very conscious of making sure all their partners feel valued and respected. Communication and respect are key in any poly relationship, to the point where people introduce their partners to each other, etc, and no one is a secret. A friend of mine was dating a poly married guy and he brought her home and introduced her to his wife (!) before they went upstairs to have sex. This guy also had strict standards like, he would not sleep in a bed with my friend after sex because he reserved the act of sleeping for his wife– that was strictly something he did with her– and he would not go against that because it would dishonest to his wife. I myself couldn’t do the poly thing (to say the least!) but folks who are serious about it put a lot of effort into making it work.

    This guy isn’t truly poly I don’t think, he’s just using the “poly”/”relationship anarchist” BS to have his cake and eat it too. A guy who was truly poly would not just disappear on you, he’d be checking in and making sure you were okay, and most likely would have introduced you to this woman from LA, honestly. I had a friend who was sucked into a similar dynamic with a “relationship anarchist” lol, and she was miserable.

    A lot of guys use the “poly” thing to just be promiscuous without being accountable to anyone. If you are wired to be monogamous, nothing is going to change that. And like Raven said, if this guy is telling you he’s in love with someone else, why would you even want to get involved and insert yourself in that mess? Do better for yourself and walk away, please. I understand things got intense quickly but that was most likely just love bombing (look that up if you don’t know what it is). A guy who is right for you will not leave you feeling dysregulated and unhappy.

    #943546 Reply


    Liz nailed it.
    I was recently in a non-monogamous relationship, even though I tend to be monogamous, and it was probably the healthiest relationship I was in. It was known from the start where each of us stood and we decided to enjoy each other and part when it was necessary. We still are extremely good friends. The communication was open the entire time. We were clear about boundaries, information, feelings, etc.

    This guy doesn’t sound like he is practicing ethical non-monogamy at all. Plus, you say it doesn’t work for you. From my own experience it doesn’t work for me either. Not because I get jealous or because I don’t think you can love more than one person but because I don’t care for the time management involved and s*xual risk factors.

    So for me it didn’t work out in the long run but I decided to try something new relationship-wise. It helped me learn what I did and didn’t want in a relationship. Use this as a learning experience for what you want in a long term relationship.

    #943547 Reply


    This is fascinating insight into how polys operate. I don’t know anyone who does it. I know it’s not for me. It sounds like this guy is poly, but his LA love doesn’t know that! I also agree with Ewa’s gut feeling and with Liz’s perspective, I’m pretty sure that’s right. But anyway, not for the OP even if Miss LA did know.

    #943548 Reply


    Well, I hadn’t heard from him and after a night out (drinking) with friends I called him out for not contacting me once and I said “you say you never get dumped, I’m dumping you.” It went on for a while, but I think you all are right—this wasn’t kind or ethical poly. He said he would just see me here and then to be ignored was obviously too much and disrespectful. Never again. Wish I had said it in person—not text—but I haven’t heard from him since.

    #943551 Reply


    DUI – dialing while under the influence – is never a good idea, even if they technically deserve a piece of your mind. Allows the other person to write you off as crazy. Radio silence would have sent him a much stronger message. But – live and learn.

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