This topic contains 20 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Emily 1 month ago.
January 26, 2021 at 10:06 pm #839149
Me and this guy were dating, me 24 and him 29. We weren’t dating long only a few months but it was one of those first love senaros. We were both fully committed, talked about the future and planned all. Things moved fast but it was all natural. We were honestly a perfect match and everyone thought so.
It wasn’t until 2 days ago he told me over the past week he had this feeling of seeing me more as a friend. The love and lust was no longer, he thought it was a phase so he didn’t tell me at the start of the week incase it was and he knew I’d get horrible anxiety that whole week. He also said his mental issues are effecting him, he sees everything as grey and, even though he can still enjoy our time together as we always have so much fun he just started seeing it in a friendship way.
It was so out of the blue, I mean.. 4 the days prior we went out with my family and I had met his dad that same week. He did apologize about introducing me to his dad, he didn’t think about it like this is my girlfriend but saw it as a fun thing to do.
I can’t be mad at him, I have no reason. He was genuine still and always has been, he was simply telling me the truth and you cannot control how you feel therefore I can’t be angry or anything but hurt about the sudden news.
I want your opinions because I’m not coping well, I really believed he was the one. We both said it. How can you be so madly in love a week prior and then have no romantic feelings? Everyone was shocked when they found out he broke up with me, no one saw it coming especially me. This isn’t the typical “love” this was the type of love all wish to have. That’s how we were seen as and felt.
I want to hold on to hope and see if he will come back but then I dont want to waste my time and get hurt, he would be worth it however, he also said he cannot promise anything that is why he is saying he only have me as a friend later on if I decide that’s what i Want.
Thank you for reading all of this, I blabbering on a bit.January 26, 2021 at 10:40 pm #839155
I should add he had moved into his own place, gave me a spare key and it was only 2 weeks ago he was wanting me there everyday and wishing we had met sooner so we could live together now. We obviously knew it was too soon and healthy to wait so he asked if ill move in when he buys his own house next year which I of course said yes to.January 26, 2021 at 11:13 pm #839161
T from NY
First of all. I’m sorry you are hurting. Please look up stages of men falling in love. There are a lot of articles about it. Basically 5-7 steps. But this all makes sense when you consider how men fall in love. He probably wanted it to work out as much as you did. But he was HONORABLE in telling you his true feelings and you should BELIEVE him, because no man who’s serious about a woman, or wants a future with her, would risk saying it if he didn’t mean it.
The trouble is – men’s biology prompts them to woo and court a woman, get her to love him, then settle in, ONLY THEN ask themselves if they can see a future with the woman. Although some men know very early and therefore the progression LOOKS the same as the man who’s just following his biology – but then at the 3-6 month mark, the real questions bubble up in him and his heart finally answers. Womens process is quite the opposite. Because if they are progressing, they are usually already confident they see something long term.
And so it’s completely typical that he break it off now. He probably thinks you’re great, respects you, went along for as long as he did because he WANTED to feel for you what he should to move forward – but in the end – he didn’t. Sure he could miss you and come back. But that’s rare, and mostly in the movies. Grieve this. Tend to you. It happens to us all. You’ll be okay that I promise you. Be thankful he was honest. Gives you space for the guy who won’t walk away in the future.January 27, 2021 at 12:30 am #839178
Thank you T from NY for answering, I have read the stages previously. I do believe he was in love regardless of the honeymoon stage, how different men and women work is fascinating might I add. I just find it hard to believe with the “stages” how he went from planning a future with me to only having these lose of feelings for 1 week/2 days (I say two days because that’s when he decided it wasn’t a phase) What was your opinion on his depression being a factor?January 27, 2021 at 8:56 am #839263
I am really sorry this happened and I do agree with T that men after a few months do ask that question “is this the person I want to be with”. Unfortunately I also believe when things go too fast it does damper any chance of long term unless you slow things down. Assuming a few months means 2-3 months you were dating it appears you guys went extremely quickly with him already speaking about moving in. However I do feel men tend to do these things to kind of get a reaction from us. Like will she say yes or will she say no because I know deep down this is way too fast! My suggestion to you is do no take this as you did anything wrong, this is on him. I don’t think there was anything different that you could have done to make him want to stay. I am a believer of “things happen for a reason” and maybe he will come back but by then you will be the one to decide if you want him. Dating for a few months and having this happen is a lot better then dating for 2-3 years and then they pull the rug. So take this as a good sign. You will over come this. I had a similar experience after 2 months the guy told me he wasn’t ready so we parted ways. I did not communicate with him and several months later he came back wanting to try again and I was not interested. You will find someone who truly cares and believe me there will be no questions about their feelings.January 27, 2021 at 9:07 am #839266
It does not matter why. Maybe, maybe not on the depression.. You are not a broken man fixing machine and your value is determined by you. Any man who turns off that quickly is a red flag, not a cue for you to blame yourself. However, it is important to know that men are like blowtorches and women like ovens. That is why you need to be focused on you.
And you actually don’t know if it was two days as you were not in his brain. May have been longer and him trying it out.
Mars and Venus on a date is a great book to understand more.January 27, 2021 at 10:44 am #839281
I’m actually going through a very similar thing. 2 weeks into the breakup. I tried to have a conversation for “clarity” or “closure” to see if maybe there was hope for his mind to change, but sadly there’s not. It’s heartbreaking but I don’t think you should wait around for your ex to come back. No matter how long he thought about it, he thought long enough to make the decision to end it. I would really recommend not being friends though. I did that in a past relationship and it was very confusing for my heart and my process of moving on. For whatever reason guys future fake to make us get attached and then realize that wasn’t really what they wanted. It sucks but it has nothing to do with us! Hoping the best for your heart!January 27, 2021 at 1:31 pm #839310
Thank you for the responses all. I can’t process that it was him saying he wanted it but realizing he doesn’t want me in future. I truly believe he meant every word, he thinks he did as well and that he fell out of love but doesn’t know why.
Assuming from all your responses saying he probably won’t come back, I shouldn’t say in a few weeks time if I can have another chance see if I can make him fall in love again? I know- sounds rather pathetic, this is a person who is worth it though. My parents, friends all say he would be worth it but I’d get hurt if it doesn’t work.January 27, 2021 at 3:43 pm #839329
I don’t think you sound pathetic. I think you sound like someone who is heartbroken and I can relate to that. But I truly don’t think you should contact him again asking him for another chance for a few reasons. (1) you can’t force someone to fall in love with you no matter how much you are in love with them because it’ll never be genuine on their end (2) you shouldn’t have to do that (3) if he truly feels like he may have made a mistake it’s his job to come back and ask you for a second chance (and vice versa if it was the other way around). (4) You have to remember that you are also “worth it” too. You deserve someone who believes that and it’s no one’s fault that he changed his mind even if it hurts. regardless the only real option for you now is to begin the healing and moving on process. I know it’s hard, but you can’t worry about whether or not he’ll come back.January 27, 2021 at 6:06 pm #839349
S – that was really helpful thank you. He actually just got in contact with me now
“I know I probably shouldn’t be messaging you, but I just wanted to check in on you and see how you are? Sorry”
I could have made a bad mistake but I think my response was good and all your comments helped influence that. I said
” Right now, talking with you is something I cannot do, it’s too painful. I need time to heal. If you have a change of heart or really need me then reach out but for now I think its best we don’t contact each other.”
As much as I’d like to talk, just seeing his name did damage and got inside my head again.January 27, 2021 at 6:38 pm #839357
OP I’m so sorry to hear! I can definitely relate. I was in, what I saw as, a happy and secure relationship and we’d just hit our anniversary mark. A few days later, he said he wasn’t ready for commitment – despite being in a committed relationship for a long period of time. All of a sudden my world collapsed.
He expressed that whilst he still loved and cared for me, he had personal issues and anxieties that he needed to work on in order to love openly. The classic, ‘it’s not you, it’s me’. I can’t help but feel so hurt, betrayed and undervalued. It has come as a massive shock and I’m finding it so hard to process. I feel so stupid.
Of course, I respect the fact that he didn’t want to be disingenuous, but I’m so mad that it took this long for him to realise and do so at a point where it felt like we were at the peak and happiest in our relationship. We were so good.
I can’t help but feel that there is more to the story, but I just have to accept it as it is. He wants to be friends but I may just have to pass on the offer. It’s heartbreaking, but the pain won’t last and things will get better.January 27, 2021 at 6:42 pm #839358
Also to the OP and other responders, I’m sure none of you deserved that treatment. I can imagine it’s taking a toll on you.
Please be kind to yourselves.
You’ll never really know what’s going on in the other persons head, but the sad truth is you just have to be at peace with it – no matter how badly they’ve wronged and hurt you.
Time is a healer.
You’ll get through it and hopefully do so stronger, more appreciated and loved than ever!January 27, 2021 at 7:25 pm #839370
OP – I’m sorry you’re going through something similar, we will definitely make it through. I’m glad my partner didn’t wait for a year and did it earlier on, I can imagine how much more damage that would do.
Might I add, I found a helpful dating coach. He says short useful encouraging words @benjamindaly on Instagram. You should, and others going through a tough heart break, check him out.January 27, 2021 at 7:37 pm #839376
So you want to completely trample your self respect and self esteem in your rush to chase after him and see if you can “make him fall in love again”? What on earth for?? Oh sweetie, NO. Please don’t be that pathetic. And it IS pathetic.
What you don’t seem to realize is he was never really in genuine love with you. Love takes longer than that to grow and take root. He was infatuated and he came to his senses and had the decency to be honest about it. He’s been very clear and is only offering friendship. And you shouldn’t take him up on that unless you are really past your feelings for him and by that I mean if he told you he was dating someone else you’d be happy for him because you know he isn’t the one for you.
This happens all the time. Guys go all in and within 90 days they realized they went too fast, it’s not real and not what they want and they reverse course. At least he didn’t ghost you.January 28, 2021 at 1:39 am #839429
Angiebaby – your message came off a little rude but I still thank you for putting time to respond.
However, I have to disagree with him not genuinely loving me. I don’t believe it was infactuation with him, I’ve experienced that before and this was different. I think you can fall in love with a short periods time. I do agree with the first part though, it would be a bit silly and emotional of me to ask for a chance to make him fall in love. That wouldn’t be natural or deserving of me.
He can only offer friendship because he cannot promise the unknown – that’s where I remain in my confused, do I stay hopeful bubble.January 28, 2021 at 6:17 am #839455
Remember, he does not want to feel like a bad person. So he says and does things that don’t reflect his feelings for you, but his feelings for himself. That is why he checks in and leaves it vague and wants to be friends (but he does have genuine fondness). He does seem like a decent man, but don’t underestimate men’s egos and self view.
While he may or not have been in love, love is very fragile at the beginning. And that love is a mix of fantasy, projection and hormones as well as a little bit of truth. Same goes for you as well, you were in love with the fantasy of him. For men, it can break very easily and they can compartmentalize much better than we do.January 28, 2021 at 6:42 am #839460
A, i see you looking on other posts to figure out if there is hope. But there is a big distinction between a 6 months and on relationship and a 3 month one. The longer it lasted the higher the change the guy will miss it.
Although you read 7 stages a guy falls in love, you are in denial about what it means for your guy. And i dont find that odd because he was so full on in first few months. But he did fell out of love. All of his own choice he decided not to pursue you any longer. And from that perspective you need to develop the notion that you dont want a guy who doesnt want you. What if he does come back? And then after two months his mental health issues (there must be really millions of guys with mental health issues right around the time they break up while i barely ever meet a man who says he has mental health isssues. Where do they come from?) come back. I can tell you right now what will happen: you will get a bad case of anxiety thinking he will dump you again. Because thats what he did: he dumped you. He broke your trust. So he wasnt perfect for you.
Im really sorry you got blindsighted by this but do remember this was just 3 months so you will grieve and heal. Take careJanuary 28, 2021 at 11:51 am #839513
A, thank you for the ig page recommendation, it’s exactly what I needed to see. I get what people are saying about the length of time, but at the end of the day, people can feel as much intensity in a short space that some feel in a longer period of time. It makes so much sense for you to feel the way you do, especially since you had a spare key and these great hopes.
Don’t reach out to him, if he wants you back he’ll reach out, but don’t get carried away with the idea that he will, because the reality is, it might not happen. As Newbie said, it’ll feel different even if he does come back, it’ll be hard to trust and no one wants to get hurt again. I guess you can cross that bridge if it gets there and make the right choice for you. In the meantime you get to focus on and choose yourself. By the time you’ve healed and you’re truly over it you’ll wonder why you ever wanted him back.
I’d love to hear if anyone else has similar experiences (either as the dumpee or dumper). How did you get over it?January 28, 2021 at 12:33 pm #839518
A, I’m not trying to be rude, I’m trying to get you to wake up because you’re pretty delusional right now and you’re cruising to get more hurt than you already are. You’re taking his word as the truth. At this point he’s saying whatever he can to let you down easy and you’re unfortunately taking hope from it.
We disagree on love vs infatuation. In my book, in and out of love in three months just isn’t real. But I get that you don’t see it that way. Whatever the case was here, he’s out. Read this site. Men do this all the time. At the 3-4 month mark, they make a decision about whether they see a future. We as women tend to decide on a man more quickly and we take him at his word and go all in within the first month. The guys are slower. And then we get blindsided and devastated.
I think you texted him just right and he really should be leaving you alone at this point. He probably feels very guilty right now. But he did the right thing to tell you sooner rather than later. The longer this went the more devastating it would be to you.
You aren’t doing yourself any favors by staying in a “hopeful bubble.” He ended it. Stay no contact and grieve and you will be able to move on soon.
The lesson here – slow the roll if a man goes this fast in the future because it’s probably not for real.January 28, 2021 at 1:56 pm #839534
There’s an old adage “Only fools rush in,” Trust me, we’ve all experienced these endless love type scenarios only for them to crash and burn in a short time.
True love is much CALMER and develops slowly over a long period of time. Even those very rare couples who were lucky enough to ‘fall in love at first sight’ still had to outlast the infatuation stage which true romantic love eventually springs from. The first six months is the most fragile stage because infatuation FEELS like love but the stark difference between the two is infatuation fades and true loves stays.
My two son’s are a testament to both. My eldest son fell in love fast, literally stalked her at the dog park the first time he met her and they chit chatted a bit lol. He asked her out on the third dog park meet up where the initial infatuation he felt for her was able to develop into a deeper love over time.
My youngest at age 28 told me he’s never been in love. He’s only been infatuated where he loses his feelings and ends it within a few months. He too engaged in ‘future talk’ in the beginning when the infatuation was at its peak (first 2 – 3 months) but then it slowly began to ebb and he would start naturally disengaging only to end it like this guy did. He recently met a lady who he absolutely believes he’s “in love” with but sadly its the “Endless Love” type of love to the point he has alienated himself from his family and friends as she consumes all his waking time and hours. He recently deployed for a 10 month Army stint and expect this too will end when the chemical fog clears. I’ll be expecting that messenger call soon lol.January 28, 2021 at 11:50 pm #839620
It’s called a breakup because it’s broken. We don’t know if he will change his mind. Just because you thought things were going well doesn’t mean the other person agrees. He broke up with you for a reason. There is no way to know what that was or if he will come back. Try not to ruminate. Someone who dumps you is, by definition, not a good partner.