Not sure of Boundaries..

“this is my thing, my other friends know I am a great friend and consistent communication is just me, and thats what it takes to stay in my life.”

If this guy can’t meet your standards, it sounds like he shouldn’t be in your life.

It’s also not a friend’s job to help you “work through your issues”. You should see a therapist for that.

Sorry to be blunt, but you can’t force this guy to adhere to your rules. You shouldn’t have to chase him and tell him how to treat you. If it causes you a lot of anxiety, then you should let him go.

It also doesn’t sound to me like you’re in a position to be “platonic” friends with someone you had a romantic relationship with. So that’s all the more reason to let this “friendship” fade away.

Glad to hear you’re working on your issues….I hope you’re in therapy. It’s unreasonable to freak out on your friends if they aren’t constantly paying you attention. But it sounds like you hopefully know that, and are working on it.

I understand where you both re coming from. I am always there for him, he calls me when he needs me, I help him whenever he needs, I drop anything for him, take all his calls, etc.. I truly am the definition of an amazing friend to him, I literally just ask for all that in return and I think the first post is right, if he isnt interested in the standards he knows I already have, then I guess he’s not interested in me, it’s one sided.

“is it my responsibility to teach my friend how to be a better friend to me?”

You can’t change someone else, only tell them what you want and accept whatever their response is. It is only your responsibility to communicate your needs and expectations, as other people can’t mindread. And then you sit back and see if the other person can meet those in a way that works for you both. If not, you reevaluate if the friendship is actually what you want and then reframe for yourself how it should look (or if you should let it go).

For example, in this case, if there’s a big imbalance in effort, maybe you shouldn’t be *close* friends with him because you can’t rely on someone inconsistent. So, you know the type of friend he’s capable of being based on how your friendship has gone so far, and it doesn’t work for you in a very close capacity. Maybe you can distance yourself and pull back to a friendly acquaintance level, and that will work better for you?

But based on this statement, I think you already know that and are trying to twist yourself in a pretzel in hopes you’ll get what you really want, which is more than he can give you: “my other friends know I am a great friend and consistent communication is just me, and thats what it takes to stay in my life”

What’s the difference here? If other people haven’t stayed in your life because they weren’t showing up in the way that works for you, why the extra debate around him?

That being said, things don’t need to be so black and white. If he’s not meeting your expectations, it doesn’t mean he’s not interested in you being in his life in any capacity at all. It simply means you have conflicting approaches to how you handle friendships. People can care about each other but a friendship still struggles because there’s compatibility issues in how both people approach stress and problem-solving. Again, then it goes back to if he never changes from who he is right now, what level of friendship closeness (if any) will work for you without triggering your anxiety? But it’s not an issue of assuming he doesn’t care about you enough as a friend and as a person, even if he doesn’t want to be more than friends.

“he said he’s willing to help me while Im working through these… I feel like I am always telling him how to be more thoughtful, etc.”

The other issue in regards to the anxiety you feel with him is there’s some codependency in this friendship. It sounds like you’re both trying to emotionally regulate each other instead of yourselves. That is a weak boundary issue, and the way to handle it is depersonalizing his behaviors. Because again, they aren’t about him not caring about you, they’re about his own stuff and differences between how you both conduct and prioritize your friendships.

I think it’s good this friendship is making you ask questions about what healthy boundaries and friendships look like, though. Those are always useful lessons to learn for the future, no matter how things end up with this guy.