No clue where this is going

Hi Sarah,

I can understand why you are trying to navigate this without having any experience. All I can say to you is don’t lose yourself in this! Don’t spend too much time together, or thinking about him, to the point you start neglecting other aspects of your life. Balance is KEY, where you need to pace yourself because if you go too fast, you are going to burn up all the oxygen, and it will peter out. Think of it like a candle. A candle needs oxygen to burn brightly. When you take away the oxygen (consume to much of each other) it starts flickering, and slowly burns out.

Just try to sit back and enjoy it. Don’t start overthinking or allowing your mind to go into overdrive, as that will put you into a “needy” position, which I am already seeing a pattern of based on how much you pick apart how much he texts or not! Stop doing this! Keep yourself busy, go spend time with friends, take up hobbies, anything to keep your mind from consuming you, him or the relationship because that is the fast track to a break up.

Just BREATHE. Enjoy the time you spend together, and enjoy the time you spend apart because you have an awesome fulfilling life whether you’re with a guy or not!

As for the addiction part. What was his addiction, how long did he have it; and how long has be been in recovery? They say addicts shouldn’t engage in a relationship until they’ve been clean for a year, as their brain needs time to heal from the damage drugs does to it. Addicts have a very different thought process (look it up) so the best thing you can do is arm yourself with information on his addiction; and also read up on “co-dependency” so to establish healthy boundaries in the event his addiction mindset starts bubbling to the surface, so you’ll be in a better position to understand, deal with or handle it if or when it happens.

” He’s mental health is also not very good, he’s currently doing therapy and rehab for drugs but told me he’s keen for a relationship if that happens.”

I stopped reading after that.

Slow your roll. When things go this fast in the best of circumstances it’s a crap shoot and honestly a long shot as to whether it’s real and whether it will work out, but you add in someone with depression and in addiction recovery and you have a person who isn’t stable.

After only 8 weeks you don’t really know each other. I don’t think you are really aware what you’re signing on for. This guy’s addiction and mood issues are very recent. Good for him for getting help… you need to understand he is facing a long road to recovery if his last OD episode was only 4 months ago.

Truthfully, I think right now he’s a drug for you – you’re on a sex high. I think you’re mistaking that for love. You’re also getting the satisfaction of being his savior. You indicate you’re already having trouble dealing with the mood swings. This is not likely to get better – I”m sorry. Honestly, he’s really not in a position to be dating.

I think you’re seeing glimmers of the truth and that’s why you’re posting here. Back off slowly before you get in too deep. It may be better to revisit dating him when he’s had more time in recovery. Because the other thing you should know is when you start dating someone who is having a rocky time and you’re there for the ups and downs, they tend to break up with you when things get better because they associate you with the tough times. Women think their loyalty will be rewarded and quite often it’s the opposite.

Please tread carefully, people in recovery can be unpredictable- as you are finding out.

Be careful that you don’t fall into the co-dependent trap.

“And now he forgot his cigarettes in my place, package is full. I don’t know whether I should text him and inform him that I’ll keep them for him…” Don’t do anything.

Today for example I wanted to ask me to go for a walk spend some time outside the sheets but I’m freaking out after I told him that I feel stuff for him and this whole I love you thing messed with my head, don’t even have the courage to text him. Also him not texting me either makes me feel like he didn’t actually meant what he said. If there’s a chance I’ll tell him to slow down and take it casually cause I don’t want to be the one getting hurt or falling in love alone.

Yes he does. Pretty consistently at the beginning. But maybe too much, in a week we’ve been going out every two days. We met at a bar spent 24 hours together then he went to another country where he lives but he came back a month ago and we reunited. He’ll stay for some time until he finishes therapy.

Sit on your hands & when it’s day time- Go outside & do something… Seriously- Did you do your reading on co-dependence?

some guys only text to arrange dates, at least he is seeing you in person but to me it seems quite weird because a guy who is interested in you would like to know how your day was etc.
why did you start dating him knowing he is battling a drug addiction?

Sarah yes you are right, but in this case words are just words , you need to look at his actions, if he is not up to your standards and not delivering so to speak then no one is forcing you to see him

You’re getting too caught up in the fact that he said 3 words (I love you) and not looking at his behavior as a whole. Guys say “I love you” all the time, and sometimes they just mean that they really like you, or they really feel good around you. Add to that the fact that this guy has mental health issues (by your own admission)– you need to be careful about taking his words 100% at fact value. I’m not saying he’s lying, but I am saying he’s not in a healthy or stable place right now.

I agree with Ewa that a guy who was interested in a relationship, or wanted to get close to you, would be in some kind of contact between dates. Calls, texts, whatever. He wouldn’t go radio silent for days at time.

The biggest red flag here to me is this guy’s history of addiction. The other ladies here have made very wise, thoughtful comments about why it’s not good to get involved with someone who is barely into recovery. Also, you say he is from another country and is in your country for drug treatment– I assume when treatment ends, he’ll go back to his home country? So how long is that, 60 days? 90 days? What will you do then?

I’m not trying to be a debbie downer but I do want to offer perspective. This guy is a recovering addict with mental health issues, who’s in your country temporarily for drug treatment. It may be that he’s a wonderful person, but he’s got a long row to hoe, so to speak. Add to that the fact that he is from another country and will presumably be returning there relatively soon. So I would advise you not to get so hung up on the fact that he said “I love you” once and just look at the big picture. Try not to get so anxious and caught up. If you can take a step back and enjoy his company in the moment, fine. But if you’re hoping for relationship or that “things will progress” (as you said in your first post), I think you are setting yourself up for heartbreak.

The addiction issue should concern you greatly.

I know of no treatment program that says “don’t do the drugs, but go ahead and drink. That’s totally acceptable”.

That’s not how recovery works. He’s just substituting his drug(s) of choice for alcohol, the legal drug. He’s still rose tinting his world with booze rather than learning how to live in/face reality in sobriety.

Soon enough he’ll go back to his drug(s) of choice if he doesn’t stop everything except cigarettes. This usually happens when an addict gets tired of settling for a “less than” buzz.

I hope you really think over continuing to date him.