No clue where this is going


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This topic contains 20 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Sophia 3 months ago.

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  • #896283 Reply

    Sarah

    I’ve been seeing this guy for about two months. He has been pretty consistent asking me out and spending time together. Sex with him is amazing. Few days ago he told me I love you and I said it back. We’ve been saying that to each other ever since, and last night he stayed over for the first time, I told him I’m in love and it’s scary because I never felt that before (which is true) and he hugged me and said it’s gonna be alright baby don’t worry. He then said I’m in love also and that he wants to be with me. And I told him we don’t really know each other that well but he told me that we can get to know each other and he would love that. Also, he asked me if I changed my mind and said we’ve already said these words to each other, you can’t take them back. The thing is when we are together we have lots of sex and hours of talking and really good time. He’s mental health is also not very good, he’s currently doing therapy and rehab for drugs but told me he’s keen for a relationship if that happens. I mean he said he wants to be with me but I’m confused cause he doesn’t text unless it’s to arrange a date which is every two days tbh and apart from that, nothing. We are connecting in person and we also go outside on dates but he never discusses with me plans for the day or next days, is like will I hear from him or not. But I let him take the lead organize things. Last night I asked him out for the first time, he had to meet with some friends and said he’ll call me. Honestly, I had dated so many flaky guys, I wasn’t really expecting him to call me. But he did and came over and we spend the night together. I am clueless when it comes to relationships. We both never actually had one. We currently enjoy each other’s company but after saying I love you, I thought things might progress. These days he’s been feeling low and depressive. The other time he told me his mental health is improving since he met me and he’s so happy about it.

    #896287 Reply

    Sarah

    And now he forgot his cigarettes in my place, package is full. I don’t know whether I should text him and inform him that I’ll keep them for him. Obviously he’ll remember they are here. Don’t wanna seem over eager or start to text him more since we had that “talk” but I also don’t want him to think that I’m taking advantage of him and would smoke them and say nothing.

    #896305 Reply

    Lane

    Hi Sarah,

    I can understand why you are trying to navigate this without having any experience. All I can say to you is don’t lose yourself in this! Don’t spend too much time together, or thinking about him, to the point you start neglecting other aspects of your life. Balance is KEY, where you need to pace yourself because if you go too fast, you are going to burn up all the oxygen, and it will peter out. Think of it like a candle. A candle needs oxygen to burn brightly. When you take away the oxygen (consume to much of each other) it starts flickering, and slowly burns out.

    Just try to sit back and enjoy it. Don’t start overthinking or allowing your mind to go into overdrive, as that will put you into a “needy” position, which I am already seeing a pattern of based on how much you pick apart how much he texts or not! Stop doing this! Keep yourself busy, go spend time with friends, take up hobbies, anything to keep your mind from consuming you, him or the relationship because that is the fast track to a break up.

    Just BREATHE. Enjoy the time you spend together, and enjoy the time you spend apart because you have an awesome fulfilling life whether you’re with a guy or not!

    As for the addiction part. What was his addiction, how long did he have it; and how long has be been in recovery? They say addicts shouldn’t engage in a relationship until they’ve been clean for a year, as their brain needs time to heal from the damage drugs does to it. Addicts have a very different thought process (look it up) so the best thing you can do is arm yourself with information on his addiction; and also read up on “co-dependency” so to establish healthy boundaries in the event his addiction mindset starts bubbling to the surface, so you’ll be in a better position to understand, deal with or handle it if or when it happens.

    #896335 Reply

    Sarah

    I can’t seem to post my response. Anyhow, thank you dear Lane. I’m afraid to lose myself indeed coupled with the fact that this is like tabula rasa for me, I have no comparison to my feelings. I just know I feel something strong for him and he makes me orgasm like no other guy managed to so far. I need to chill down you are right. He just started therapy. He overdosed on few substances lots of times. He experienced panic attacks, depression, insomnia and mood swings. Some days he social and energetic, optimistic and others he gets moody, feeling low energy and tired or getting pessimistic he won’t find himself. It’s been on going for four months since his last overdose to take initiative and go into rehab. I haven’t known him then but we talk about this together or his feelings. I try not to get affected by it but I am there for him if he needs to talk to someone and express his thoughts. He says I’m inspiring him intellectually and by being warm hearted and honest. It’s honestly a challenge dealing with these mood swings. One time he takes me out, opens bottles of wine for me and grabs me to make out in the streets and others he just wants to lay in bed and talk.

    #896361 Reply

    AngieBaby

    ” He’s mental health is also not very good, he’s currently doing therapy and rehab for drugs but told me he’s keen for a relationship if that happens.”

    I stopped reading after that.

    Slow your roll. When things go this fast in the best of circumstances it’s a crap shoot and honestly a long shot as to whether it’s real and whether it will work out, but you add in someone with depression and in addiction recovery and you have a person who isn’t stable.

    After only 8 weeks you don’t really know each other. I don’t think you are really aware what you’re signing on for. This guy’s addiction and mood issues are very recent. Good for him for getting help… you need to understand he is facing a long road to recovery if his last OD episode was only 4 months ago.

    Truthfully, I think right now he’s a drug for you – you’re on a sex high. I think you’re mistaking that for love. You’re also getting the satisfaction of being his savior. You indicate you’re already having trouble dealing with the mood swings. This is not likely to get better – I”m sorry. Honestly, he’s really not in a position to be dating.

    I think you’re seeing glimmers of the truth and that’s why you’re posting here. Back off slowly before you get in too deep. It may be better to revisit dating him when he’s had more time in recovery. Because the other thing you should know is when you start dating someone who is having a rocky time and you’re there for the ups and downs, they tend to break up with you when things get better because they associate you with the tough times. Women think their loyalty will be rewarded and quite often it’s the opposite.

    #896370 Reply

    Maddie

    I agree with other posters. You should look up some more information about addiction recovery. Another reason addicts are recommended to not get into new romantic relationships until at least a year into recovery is they may be looking for something to replace the addiction without realizing it. Then the sex/relationship becomes the addiction and it’s not healthy for either person involved. He needs time, and you will need more stability and foundation. Intense connections like this usually burn bright and then burn out because the emotional instability that’s leading to the intense highs and sense of connection leads to intense lows as well. While what you’re feeling right now feels overwhelming, it’s not sustainable over time against the work he needs to do on his mental health.

    #896463 Reply

    Raven

    Please tread carefully, people in recovery can be unpredictable- as you are finding out.

    Be careful that you don’t fall into the co-dependent trap.

    “And now he forgot his cigarettes in my place, package is full. I don’t know whether I should text him and inform him that I’ll keep them for him…” Don’t do anything.

    #896510 Reply

    Sarah

    Again, cannot post my reply. We haven’t talked since yesterday morning he left my place. We don’t really communicate via text, we talk on the phone sometimes but mostly text each other when we make plans to hang out. He was the one who asked me to try and be together but he disappears and only re-appears to ask me out. I’m totally confused as someone who wants to be with you truly, would call randomly or text to see how you’re doing, not just text to ask me out. Or maybe it’s his style. I’m totally confused.

    #896530 Reply

    Sarah

    Today for example I wanted to ask me to go for a walk spend some time outside the sheets but I’m freaking out after I told him that I feel stuff for him and this whole I love you thing messed with my head, don’t even have the courage to text him. Also him not texting me either makes me feel like he didn’t actually meant what he said. If there’s a chance I’ll tell him to slow down and take it casually cause I don’t want to be the one getting hurt or falling in love alone.

    #896540 Reply

    Raven

    Is he not taking you on dates?

    How did you meet him?

    #896543 Reply

    Sarah

    Yes he does. Pretty consistently at the beginning. But maybe too much, in a week we’ve been going out every two days. We met at a bar spent 24 hours together then he went to another country where he lives but he came back a month ago and we reunited. He’ll stay for some time until he finishes therapy.

    #896703 Reply

    Sarah

    Okay, so I haven’t heard from him since Saturday morning. Should I reach out or would it be overwhelming? I smoked his cigarettes anyhow. My anxiety is taking over and I’m afraid of ruining it. Was thinking to drop him a message to grab a beer later or give him a call but I need your opinion guys.

    #896705 Reply

    Raven

    Sit on your hands & when it’s day time- Go outside & do something… Seriously- Did you do your reading on co-dependence?

    #896706 Reply

    Sarah

    Yes I have. It is daytime where I live now. So you’re advising me to do nothing, dont ask him to meet or contact him?

    #896718 Reply

    Ewa

    some guys only text to arrange dates, at least he is seeing you in person but to me it seems quite weird because a guy who is interested in you would like to know how your day was etc.
    why did you start dating him knowing he is battling a drug addiction?

    #896742 Reply

    Sarah

    It’s a long story. Yes, I am also a person who only texts to arrange a date. But since I invited him over two days ago, it’d be overwhelming to reach out again. If he wants to see me, he knows where and how to find me, he has my number. It’s because I’m falling for him I rationalise this behaviour. It doesn’t make sense actually cause I’m discipling myself hard not to reach out to him but if someone says I love you then you’d expect they’d be investing time and energy in seeing you, getting to know you and etc.

    #896751 Reply

    Ewa

    Sarah yes you are right, but in this case words are just words , you need to look at his actions, if he is not up to your standards and not delivering so to speak then no one is forcing you to see him

    #896754 Reply

    Sarah

    I give the element of the doubt tbh cause I’d love to see him again. If though he cancels or doesn’t reply or find the time, I’ll let it go.

    #896799 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    You’re getting too caught up in the fact that he said 3 words (I love you) and not looking at his behavior as a whole. Guys say “I love you” all the time, and sometimes they just mean that they really like you, or they really feel good around you. Add to that the fact that this guy has mental health issues (by your own admission)– you need to be careful about taking his words 100% at fact value. I’m not saying he’s lying, but I am saying he’s not in a healthy or stable place right now.

    I agree with Ewa that a guy who was interested in a relationship, or wanted to get close to you, would be in some kind of contact between dates. Calls, texts, whatever. He wouldn’t go radio silent for days at time.

    The biggest red flag here to me is this guy’s history of addiction. The other ladies here have made very wise, thoughtful comments about why it’s not good to get involved with someone who is barely into recovery. Also, you say he is from another country and is in your country for drug treatment– I assume when treatment ends, he’ll go back to his home country? So how long is that, 60 days? 90 days? What will you do then?

    I’m not trying to be a debbie downer but I do want to offer perspective. This guy is a recovering addict with mental health issues, who’s in your country temporarily for drug treatment. It may be that he’s a wonderful person, but he’s got a long row to hoe, so to speak. Add to that the fact that he is from another country and will presumably be returning there relatively soon. So I would advise you not to get so hung up on the fact that he said “I love you” once and just look at the big picture. Try not to get so anxious and caught up. If you can take a step back and enjoy his company in the moment, fine. But if you’re hoping for relationship or that “things will progress” (as you said in your first post), I think you are setting yourself up for heartbreak.

    #896824 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Sarah – he’s an ADDICT. His behavior isn’t going to be predictable or rational.

    Think about it. You met someone in a recovery program in a bar. So he’s still drinking, smoking and having sex with you while in a treatment program… that doesn’t strike me as someone who’s going to be able to stay sober or off of whatever drug he almost OD’d on four months ago. (I”m assuming based on what you said he was doing hard drugs of some kind)

    I think this man is attractive to you because you have addiction or co-dependent issues of your own. He wouldn’t be attractive to someone emotionally healthy, not for a nano-second. No offense intended.

    And I’m sorry, but neither of you is “in love” after a few weeks. This isn’t real, although you desperately want it to be.

    I also don’t see you letting this go. You’re already in too far. I see you having to learn the hard way unless you wake up. I repeat, this man should not even be dating while he’s in a treatment program. Stop making excuses for him. You’re allowing him to use you for sex and companionship on his terms. Please have more pride than to keep going with this. Not to mention he doesn’t even live in your country. Just based on that it would be hard for this to work out.

    I don’t mean to hurt your feelings. I’ve had several close friends try to be with addicts and it doesn’t end well. They just cannot be there for someone else, they have too many uphill struggles of their own. It was so hard to watch my friends try to fix these men. One stayed with the guy for 3 years while he got sober and when he was finally out of the woods he promptly dumped her and met someone else less than a month later whom he married. She was beyond devastated. It took her several years to get over it.

    Don’t let this be you.

    #896898 Reply

    Sophia

    The addiction issue should concern you greatly.

    I know of no treatment program that says “don’t do the drugs, but go ahead and drink. That’s totally acceptable”.

    That’s not how recovery works. He’s just substituting his drug(s) of choice for alcohol, the legal drug. He’s still rose tinting his world with booze rather than learning how to live in/face reality in sobriety.

    Soon enough he’ll go back to his drug(s) of choice if he doesn’t stop everything except cigarettes. This usually happens when an addict gets tired of settling for a “less than” buzz.

    I hope you really think over continuing to date him.

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