Need some help resolving silent treatment


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This topic contains 29 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Sophia 1 week ago.

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  • #812253 Reply

    Polly

    We matched on Bumble way back in Feb but could not meet due to the pandemic. But we remained connected on and off and things started becoming more consistent during June-July where we connected over video calls and spoke about what we are looking for. I told him I was not interested in casual relationships and looking for something meaningful. We went on 4 dates after which we took it to the next level physically. Couple of days after the date, we were having a video chat and something came up, he said he’d call me back in a few minutes. But did so hours later in the middle of the night. I was waiting for his call, but by the time he called I was asleep. This has happened before, flaked at the last minute or kept me hanging (fell asleep/forgot). Next morning, I told him I was disappointed and hoped he respected my time as much as I respect his. I did use some confrontational language like “taking me for granted because I care for you”. I have had a really bad experience in the past and sex made me seek validation.

    He said he thought we were only exploring things and this doesn’t sound like that and we need to let it grow organically? I kind of apologized but said that to allow things to grow it need fuel. No response. I also sent him a proper apology text next day. No response and he has not responded to any of my texts ever since my “fuel” comment. I have not texted him in the last two days, but I wonder if this is salvageable

    #812268 Reply

    Newbie

    No i dont think you can save this. This is a matter of total different perspectives due to Corona and your outlook on life after sex.
    You talked for months and rhat creates a level of intimacy but usually it has a lot more meaning to women than men. Men view it as nice to talk to someone. They dont invest in it. So to him it became real after you really went on 4 dates which is baby steps and indeed just exploring like he said. And then, and im sorry to say this, then you blew up because he had to make a video call short and didnt call back in a few minutes. For a guy thats acting needy. Im not saying this is all on you because if he flaked out already he never was that interested in the first place. Covid is a killer for dating. If you get sucking in texting and video calling you have to avoid that. If your outlook on a guy changes after sex than dont have sex after 4 dates. This is the best i can make of this scenario.
    Also he blew you off already after you said all those things. This is not a case of silent treatment but a guy declaring its over. The organic comment was bs

    #812270 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Firstly, you did not lose your husband, so take a deep breath.

    However, when someone says they will call you back, they get 24 hours. So you sitting and waiting is on you. Also, confrontational language never really works, especially before you are emotionally tied to each other and you were much too soon for that. Also, not calling you back if you usually speak regularly is not taking advantage of you. It looks like you have unreasonable standards. If you want something, make a request, in person. Not by text. Can you please call me back when you say you will or not say that? I end up waiting because I think we will talk more. Thanks.

    Secondly, talking about wanting something serious and being exclusive are not the same thing.

    You should not be sleeping with any man that you have not discussed exclusivity with. Saying you want the same things is not the same as an actual declaration.

    His comment on exploration means you are way more invested than he is. The reality is you are treating him like a girlfriend before you are one.

    Next time let him lead until you are committed and don’t have sex without that commitment. Be warm and open and observe him.

    #812302 Reply

    Lane

    I would be totally turned off if a guy told me what you said to him.

    He’s a single man and is allowed to call someone when he wants to. Men have lives ya know, where things come up or they become engaged in something else and lose track of time. Ever hear the saying “where did the time go?” Trust me, it came from a man! Men can become myopically focused on something, to the point, the world around them stops turning.

    You came off as too demanding, like a mommy scolding a child, and that’s a total turn off for men whether you’re in a relationship or not. If a man doesn’t have basic manners its not your job to train him. Its your job to listen, watch and observe him to determine his true character, the person he is, as he is out of the box. If his doesn’t gel with yours then its your cue to stop interacting with him and keeping meeting guy’s until you find one who’s better matched with yours.

    If sex makes you overly attached to men before a relationship has had enough time to not only develop but mature to the point there’s no confusion as to where you stand because you are his GF, he calls you his GF and introduces you to others as his GF, then he’s a SINGLE MAN who’s allowed to do what he wants, when he wants, anytime he wants, with whomever he wants, no differently than you are too. Your expectations of him are too high, too early, and need to lower them a few bars.

    In the future, the BEST way to address an issue with a man is to do in the form of a “request” such as “You must have gotten tied up with something yesterday and not able to call me right back. In the future, if you’re not able to could you at least shoot me a quick text letting me know you’ll call me later.” You do this in a soft nonjudgmental tone and then see if he fixes it, on his own. If he doesn’t then you need to decide if you can learn how to “let it go” because if you can’t and decide to engage in constant battles (arguments) like you did here, the man will raise the white flag and surrender (stop seeing you or break it off)

    Like they say “pick your battles very carefully.” If you’re going to take the ‘mommy role’ and try to train a man to be who you want him to be, not who he is; you’re not going to win those wars.

    #812322 Reply

    caroline

    I have a problem for a silent treatement for a guy.

    so im talking to this guy whom i know since three years. We used to study in the same school. we have a lot in comman and feel like connect with each other really well. but the problem with that guy is he thinks about having a relationship with a girl he likes alot. enough that he ultimately starts thinking of the problems hes gonna have with that girl and then probably distances himself away from things. 3 years ago he once confessed my friend that he wants to commit with me but when i confronted he said that he just said that in the heat of the momemt and that he wants me only as a friend. one year later we started talking again and he hinted me that he likes me through a text message and what i asked him what it meant he ghosted me and we lost touch again. this continues to happen two more times until this quarantine he finally confessed that he likes me and that its difficult for him to trust people but i did not confess my feelings thinking he might ghost me again. so instead i said honestly what i felt about him , that hes been so unpredictable in the past i dont know what to feel for him to which he replied that i should take time and that i totally have control over how i want the things to turn out. i make sure he feels comfortable and i take initiative in discussing my overthink thoughts and bad moods with him and he shares his too. But most of the time when i message him he often ignores them. and when i subtly ask him if everything is okay with him he says that he was basically expecting me to make a move. im in my mind thinking that he didnt reply to my messages whenever i made a move. so i had a soft conversation with him about this where we realised that we both think a lot and maybe arent just able to understand each other. since he takes up a lot of time opening up on things and im pretty expressive about my things, so if something happens which bothers me, before shouting or doing anything of that sort i let him know softly as to what emotion im experiencing at that moment , for example if he says something which offends me, i tell him directly that it offended me and he would mind explaining what he meant by it, if he doesnt reply to my message to which i really expected an answer, i text him again saying i was expecting an answer to this hope you can reply whenever you have the time. but recently hes ignoring my texts a lot, he doesnt reply to them until he considers the message as urgent, for eg he would only reply to cases where i say that im in a bad mood or that i require his help. but apart from that he ignores my messages and cancels plans that we make saying hes busy, but i can see him being online everytime. he even views my stories as soon as i post them but doesnt reply to my text nor to my stories. i did not message him again thinking he might need some space but its been weeks since he has replied to my texts. before confessing his feelings he used to spend a lot of time talking to me even though hes not a good texter. Kindly guide me what should i do next? should i contact him again ? weve never fought on anything and even if we have different perspectives we still support each others point of views and try and make things workout. plus we havent fought lately too. Should i wait for him to text me? Do you think hes gonna text me again?

    #812314 Reply

    Polly

    Is there a chance he will ever respond? Anything I can do other than just giving him space? I so want to reach out and apologize saying I didn’t mean to confront

    #812362 Reply

    ANM Staff
    Keymaster

    Moderator update:

    Hi Caroline – someone might reply to you in this thread, but this topic was started by Polly to discuss her issue. Could you start this as a new topic? You can do that on this page. Thanks, and best wishes to you!

    #812369 Reply

    Tallspicy

    No Polly. Apologizing over and over is not good. Just give him space, learn the lesson and move on. You are much too over invested in a man who is not your boyfriend and never was. That is what you can do…. let a man be, lead and observe when he has not committed to you. I call it the 0 Fs rule. He does all the work and you decide if the work he does is ok or not.

    You are going to look crazy if you keep chasing him with apologies.

    Again, this man was not your husband.

    #812378 Reply

    Newbie

    You already apologized and reached out twice. You got to see this for what this is: this guy checked out for reasons already discussed. There is really nothing you can do except moving on and at least not give this guy all your thoughts.

    #812380 Reply

    Newbie

    There is a difference between having boundaries as in what crap not to put up with and acting like a needy ‘gf’. I dont like the term needy but it shows the difference best i think. This guy did not do so bad so far i you had 4 dates and he was still reaching out. So there was perspective. The second you told him the taking you for granted but also the fuel comment all his alarm bells would have gone off as in: oh man, i cannot please this girl and she wants all my time. Something like that. With guys those impressions wont go away ever, as they are part of them deciding if they want a relationship or not. And guys are quite unforgiven in those stage: first strike, youre out. Unless they really really like you.
    If you had bad experiences with guys , then invest in reading about men and how to date. Not to become a completely different person but to date with confidence

    #812427 Reply

    Raven

    ps: waiting by the phone for a guy to call you is a total waste of your time!

    #812433 Reply

    Sensy

    Lane touched on something important. If women would date with the attitude of watching a guy’s actions to determine a man’s deservedness and compatibility, they would have a much better chance of landing a guy. Instead I see where it is a “pick me” attitude. The latter is just not attractive.

    #812630 Reply

    Polly

    Yes, I am moving on. But it hurts. I have not contacted him but I can’t stop thinking about why I sent the text. Why can’t men just say that it’s not working out and say it can’t go anywhere? We had such a good time and I was really falling for him and thought this was something. I get that I screwed up, but at least some closure would have been nice. I did not realise there was so much to learn about dating. I thought if two people liked each other they’d communicate like adults. All these articles and videos have boggled my mind. It all feels like a game and honestly hopeless.

    #812634 Reply

    mg

    Silent treatment usually means they do not want to talk. Give him space.
    (Side note: I love that they finally got a moderator)

    #812638 Reply

    Polly

    Ok, so an hour after posting this. I sent him a text saying how I regretted my text and how it came out needy and confrontation. He replied saying not needy but he was uncomfortable with the line of discussion. I told him that I was feeling lost because of my last relationship because I came out of it looking like a fool (dated a guy for a 1.5 years and he was cheating the whole time and married her). And he said he is not them. I also told him I was happy with the pace. Now he ended the conversation with relax and I responded thank you. Now I know he is not a texter, but I wonder what I should do or not do? I think giving him space is the best thing and not try to hash things out at all?

    #812642 Reply

    Polly

    And thank you @Lane, @Newbie, @mg, @Raven, and @Tallspicy for your responses. I am certainly disillusioned by this guy, but we’ll see how it goes.

    The last couple of days I have been reading and watching so many articles and videos for dating, that I am honestly boggled. I feel I have been doing everything wrong the past five years. I will try to keep realistic expectations, invest low till it is concrete.

    #812662 Reply

    Newbie

    Can you please leave this guy alone? Now you apologized again plus you brought up a cheating ex. Youre making this worse. If there is a tiny change this guy is still interested at least let him come to you instead. Or and this is more likely just accept this isnt meant to be

    #812675 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Girl, you need to stop. You sound unstable. I know that is harsh, so I am sorry. You should not be “disillusioned”, you went on 4 dates. While it would be nice if he contacted you and told you it was over, he does not owe you that.

    Your expectations of how a person are supposed to be our way out of the norm and they are not serving you. Until you can date without caring you probably shouldn’t be dating because you really are coming across is insane. Whenever a friend says I will call you back do you sit by the phone and scold them? I doubt it.

    Please read up on anxious attachment.

    Also, please erase his number so you don’t do anything more. Literally never contact him again and assume this this over.

    Male truths: Men are not invested until they’re invested and say so. Men’s actions are always more important than their words, but those should always be consistent and trust the more negative of the two, not the positive. Men would rather show off an arm then reject somebody, so they often just fade out as a way to be kind. Men don’t like to be blamed for other men’s actions. Men like their freedom and will dump you if they think you encroach on it.

    Your truth: no man is real until he asks you to be his girlfriend. You let him do the work until that point and are warm, but do not invest until he locks it down. If it is longer than 12 weeks, stop seeing him.

    #812700 Reply

    Polly

    He reached out saying this will not work out. Thank you for the responses. I will try to learn from this and move on.

    #812723 Reply

    Polly

    He ended it himself saying it was not something he was into.

    #812805 Reply

    Polly

    I feel so stupid for screwing up and not listening to you guys. We had a standing date for his birthday this friday and now he wants nothing to do with me and thinks I complicate his life with expectations.

    I really liked him and I thought we connected and would have been adults about it. I honestly thought all this dating tricks were mumbo-jumbo and adults actually communicate. I am not proud to say, I sent him a few more apology texts on how I was excited to meet someone like him and how hurt I was from the whiplash of things changing so soon in a week. I have dated casually in the past but was not this disappointed when things didnt work out. I had fallen hard for him after a very long time. I did check the attachment type and I am an anxious attacher. It just that, its hurts so much that my rash actions actually ruined something that was good and I actually wanted.

    #812807 Reply

    Franny

    Polly, for the love of God, stop texting him. Erase his number. This is very unhealthy. He isn’t going to have a change of heart and come back. This is beyond repair.

    But this wasn’t even a relationship. You claim you expect people two act like adults but you are the one who didn’t act like an adult here. You acted like a needy, clingy teenager.

    Dating isn’t about games and tricks—it’s about understanding behavior. Men simply do not think the same way women do. Men can not (and will not) be manipulated into a relationship, and sex doesn’t cause men to get attached. Men get attached in your absence. Don’t pretend to be busy—actually be busy. Don’t pretend not to wait by the phone—don’t wait by the phone. If a guy isn’t showing the level of interest you want, that should be not only a sign to leave it alone, but a signal to not care.

    We have all made mistakes, every single one of us. Forgive yourself, move on, and never do this again.

    #812808 Reply

    Franny

    And how could you have fallen hard for him? You barely knew him. Infatuation happens to us all, and it is very intense, but it’s not real.

    If you feel inclined to send him yet another text, come here and talk to us instead.

    #812812 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Polly,

    Please find a therapist who specializes in attachment trauma. That is the best thing you could do right now and erase his number.

    #812818 Reply

    Ss

    Just know the more that you text him “explaining” your feelings the more he is thinking you are a basket case. He doesn’t care about how you feel. Not because he is horrible but because he told about 5 texts ago that he isn’t interested so he checked out and now is probably confused and alarmed that you won’t let it go. You are in “convincing” mode. You are basically begging him and trying to get him to change his mind with your explanations and apologies- stop. Please just delete his number and stop because you aee embarrassing yourself and once your head becomes clear and you realise he wasn’t anything special you will be mortified with your actions!

    I’m not trying to be mean – we’ve all been there but learn from this experience!

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