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- This topic has 3 replies and was last updated 3 years, 5 months ago by
Lane.
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Mari
I’ve been dating this guy for a little over a year. Some would say it’s a toxic relationship. In the very beginning, I wasn’t exactly faithful to him bc I wasn’t ready for a relationship, but then I turned around and changed because I truly loved him.
We broke up for a few months and then got back together. For the most part, things have been better but I’m afraid he still holds resentment towards me for how I acted in the beginning. I no longer talk to any other men. I am extremely faithful and 100% have completely changed.
But, there is one girl that makes me really nervous, someone we both used to work with. He admitted to having a crush on her before he met me, and in the beginning, when he was really upset for me treating him poorly, I caught him texting her a few times. She was in a serious relationship around that time though. Then, around the time me and my boyfriend started getting back together, this girl and her boyfriend broke up.
One day when I was hanging out with my boyfriend (we were barely back together at this point) his best friend texted him and asked if he was with…the girl that makes me the most nervous in our relationship. I threw a huge fit after I saw this. My boyfriend swears the only reason his best friend asked about her is because she’s the only girl my boyfriend talked about besides me, but hadn’t talked about her in over a year.
This was a few months ago but it still causes me so much anxiety. I am so scared he is going to leave me for her or would rather be with her. She is really pretty and they have a lot in common.
My boyfriend’s best friend even said that I have nothing to worry about (I asked him about the situation before my boyfriend could even defend himself), that he only asked about her because he knew my boyfriend used to like her a long time ago.
I don’t know, I just don’t want to be in competition with someone and I don’t want my boyfriend comparing me to her or anything.
What do you guys think?Elvira
Mari your trust issues are your own problems and unfortunately because of what you did you feel that your boyfriend is capable of the same. At this point the only thing I would suggest is for you to control your jealousy and insecurities by holding back when you feel you are making a statement that is unfair. I am not saying to ignore obvious red flags but if you have no valid proof, then say to yourself is it fair for me to accuse when there is no valid proof? I don’t think your boyfriend is comparing you and I think it is all in your head. If a man/woman is going to stray there is nothing you can do to prevent it, except to have confidence in your relationship if you have never had an issue before. I would also suggest having a conversation with your boyfriend and explaining your insecurity and how your working on improving it. Don’t beat the conversation to death because actions is what will prove to him that your confident in your relationship and yourself. Sometimes when we push on cheating accusations its like we’re pushing them to it…by showing your jealousy towards this woman its as if your saying “yes I know she is better than me”…when clearly she is not.
stella
Hi Mari,
I totally agree with Elvira, as you mentioned you have already discussed this with your bf and his friend even before he could defend himself, it’s sort of clear. The problem is you are letting your insecurities rule the way you see this relationship. He might be talking to that girl, but if you need to stop him from doing that is it worth it? If at all he’s lying to you about it, then the relationship is already at a bad stage.
Also, he could be talking as a friend only. Questioning him for not being loyal will push him farther away. In this situation, the best thing is to trust him. Make him believe you do. Love him, and then leave it all up to him to decide. If he stays it’ll be cuz he loves you and not her. If not you can do nothing to change his mind, because feelings don’t change like that. It take time for them to form and then grows deeper into our hearts.
All the best. Also, don’t blame yourself too much.Lane
Agree with others in that your insecurities will ultimately drive him into her arms if you don’t get a handle on it.
In these situations its never good to be over reactive as it’s essentially telling your SO “I don’t trust you” and without a good foundation of trust a relationship will not survive for long. A little jealousy is healthy as it keeps you on your toes and you are more apt to behave and treat your SO nicer than you would without outside influences. Trust me, relationships overtime tend to become stale, boring and take each other or granted, so a little fire here and there to keep you on your toes isn’t always a bad thing.
The one thing that is at the top of a man’s list of needs is *respect.* If you keep making accusations, those words will eventually be seen as a knife that slashes and destroys any respect he has for you and surrender’s to another ladies arms because they are warmer, securer, safer and happier to be in. What type of woman do you want to be? One who’s insecure, jealous, suspicious and unhappy with her man; OR one who’s secure, confident (doesn’t allow jealousy to control her) and is very happy being with her man? Which woman do you think men want to be with?
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